Guilt of the Innocent
by Kiragirl17
Summary: After being wrongly accused, Jim's life is thrown way off course. He returns to Iowa to drink away not only his guilt but also the memory of the situation, which he had no control over. When the painful true is revealed, can the Enterprise get her Captain back before it's too late? S/K
1. The Ride of the defeated

I do not own Star owns me!

I wrote this after reading a few stories with this Prompt, and I decided to give it a go. I hope you like it

Reedited form.

So again, this was reedited, and this time, it was by a beta! Yay. Thanks, Romanse!

* * *

Chapter 1

The Ride of Defeat

* * *

He didn't know how he ended up in this situation. No, that wasn't completely true. He had an idea how he had gotten here. He shook his head as the memory threatened to take over. He wasn't going to relive that memory, that horrifying nightmare. It made him shiver thinking of it. _Damn it_. It made him feel weak, and he wasn't weak. He wouldn't allow himself to be weak.

"Are you sure, Captain Kirk?" The man eyed the blond in front of him. If he had to judge, Jim was a man defeated. There was no fight left in his eyes. "It's a big decision. You don't want to rush into it." In his opinion, Kirk had given up.

Jim stared the Admiral down with one thought in mind. He had placed a lot of thought into this decision, and the Admiral had no idea how much it was killing him, but he had no other alternative. He shook off his anger, before speaking, "With all due respect, Admiral Barnett, I have thought about this."

"I do not believe you have," Barnett said, turning to the monitor where the documents for Kirk's resignation were waiting for completion. If you did, you wouldn't have chosen this. You've accomplished what many of us only dream of. You and the Enterprise have saved a great number of lives. You, the youngest Captain in Federation history, are the golden boy of Starfleet. Why would you throw it all away?" He started to type without waiting for an answer.

"I'm not throwing it away." Being James T. Kirk, he wanted to lash out and strike the man, sitting in front of him; however, that would only cause trouble. It wouldn't serve his purpose.

"I know some, who suffer through your situation, don't recover, and often..." The Admiral shook his head, not wanting to finish his thought. He didn't want that to happen to Captain Kirk, who had so much left to accomplish. "Don't throw your life-"

"Don't tell me how to live my life. I have made my decision."

Admiral Barnett met Jim's glare. "Understood." There was no use in fighting with a man, who had given up. The only person he would listen to was himself. Maybe after a couple months, he would come running back to Starfleet. "I will accept your resignation from Starfleet, but Admiral Pike must sign off on it." He gave him one long look before turning away.

* * *

The alcohol felt like frozen knifes, running down his throat, but it took the edge off. It was a comfort to his aching heart. It made life seem almost livable, which of course he knew wasn't. He had nothing to live for. He had given up the one thing that gave him meaning, and now, he was a man without purpose. He had no idea what he was going to do next, besides having another drink. Alcohol was the only real thing in life. It was the only thing he could count on. It was going to be there the next day.

Jim ordered a lime green shot and downed it. It tickled his buzzed senses as it passed through his body. He didn't care that his senses were disappearing, or that he was making a fool of himself. He just didn't care anymore. The only thing that he cared about was his pain, his rocketing pain. It needed to end, and the only thing, that assuages it, was alcohol. It had loosened the pain's hold on his heart. He ordered another drink and raised it to his warm lips. The clear liquid gave him a sense of security.

"Jim, put the drink down," a voice ordered.

Said man finished it. Soon after, Jim ordered another drink and brought it to his lips, but before he could drink the delicious liquid, the bottle disappeared from his hand. "Hey! What's your problem?" he asked, jumping to his feet. The alcohol had started to affect him. Everything was spinning, but he was able to pinpoint his drink.

"Jim," the man muttered, throwing the drink away. He placed a hand on the intoxicated man's shoulders. "Let's go, you had enough." Jim broke from his grip.

Kirk made his way back to the bar and ordered yet another drink, but the strange man, who looked familiar, took it from Jim. "Hey!" Jim protested. The anger that was boiling through his blood was directed at this man, who kept interrupting him. He needed his drink, damn it. He hadn't gotten to that point, the point where everything disappeared and were simply forgotten. He needed to forget who he was. He didn't want to be James T. Kirk anymore. He hollered for the bartender.

Confusion was present on Tom, the bartender's face, when he arrived. "What can I get you?" he asked.

The strange but familiar man cut Jim off, before he could order another drink. "As an officer of Starfleet, I, Admiral Christopher Pike, recommend that you not supply this man with another drink. He's clearly intoxicated." Tom glanced between them and walked away. It was stupid to pick a fight with Starfleet.

_Damn it_, Jim thought. Even in this buzzed state, words still made sense. The word Starfleet rang through him body. "What the hell gives you that right?"

"Jim." Pike reached for Jim, but the young man pulled away. "You're drunk."

"Says you." Kirk had a high tolerance for alcohol, which was the only reason he could understand what Pike was saying. He wasn't drunk. "Why are you here?" he asked, feeling his senses returning. Things became clearer. Words had meaning again.

Pike stared at the young man in front of him. "I'm here about your resignation." He didn't recognize the young man in front of him.

Jim waved him off, looking for the bartender, but Tom, whose glance landed on Admiral Pike, ignored him.

"Jim, can we talk?" Pike asked. Not wanting to have conversation at the bar, he walked away and took a seat at one of the many round tables. He signaled for Jim to join him, but the young man ignored him, trying to get Tom's attention. "You know, this is the same bar where we first met."

Remembering that night was somewhat amusing, even though he got his ass kicked; however, the man he'd nicknamed, Cupcake didn't fare better. Jim laughed, thinking about it. He had his share of bar fights, and most of the time he came out bloody, but that was the fun part. He was lucky that he didn't have many scars. In fact, he was lucky to be alive. He had been in many life and death situations, not even counting the situations he got himself into, while he was the Captain of the Enterprise. He would be dead without…Bones. He shook his head. He didn't want to think about him.

"You were a bloody mess."

Jim gave up on the bartender and took a seat across from Admiral Christopher Pike. "I vaguely remember." His eyes wandered, looking for a target. Maybe, he could get a pretty young person to buy him a drink._ I need another drink. I'm starting to think clearly. _His eyes spotted a beautiful young lady in the corner. _Now, I just need to get her attention without Pike knowing._

"You cleaned up and made one fine captain."

"Says you." _What good is a captain, whose crew doesn't want him?_ He hid his smile as the 'target' met his glance. She smiled, quite obvious that she found him attractive, and walked to the bar. _Win_.

Pike took a nice, long look at Jim. "What happened to you, Jim?" The target ordered a drink, and made her way to Jim. "Jim?"

Placing the drink in front of Jim, she failed to notice Admiral's expression as he eyed the drink. She also failed to notice Jim's expression as she reached down Jim's chest. She was inches away from his manhood; normally, he would be okay with it. He was a player; however, he wasn't feeling this. In fact, he was freaking out, but he wasn't going to show it. He wasn't weak. With one swift movement of the hand, he grabbed her by the wrist and pulled her away, but he had her close enough to whisper into her ear. "Watch your hands, sweetheart," he warned in a harsh tone. His breath made her shiver.

She stared into his beautiful blue eyes and froze. He let go of her hand, and she hurried out of there without saying a word. Jim eyed her out of the corner of his eye, until she was a safe distance away. He grabbed his drink, before Pike had a chance to steal it.

"Besides the fact, I marvel at how you got her to buy you a drink, I saw that," he said, eyeing the drink in Jim's hand.

Drinking half the bottle, Jim was slowly relosing his senses. "Saw what?"

"I saw how you tensed, when she reached for you."

"And you wouldn't? You know where she was going," he responded, defensive. He would need another drink after this, as he could still feel anxious. He didn't know what he was going to do after the bottle was empty It was a good friend, his only friend.

"Oh? I know where she was going, and I know you. You don't normally fret out over touches like those, and now? Jim, you have to let it out."

"Shut-it." Jim had no interest in talking about that one night. He had no interest in reliving it. That one night changed his life forever; it was the night that he lost his crew and everything that he ever dreamed.

Pike took a deep breath. "You can't keep it in."

"I'm not some chick, who needs to talk about what she's feeling. I'm James T. Kirk and I refuse to be that person who tears up over everything."

"I never said you were, but you can't run from it."

"I'm not running from anything," Jim uttered, finishing the bottle. He had an urge to obtain another target to get him a drink, but he doubted that Pike would fall for that.

"I don't know what you're going through, and I won't say that I do; however, I'll say that you don't have to go through this alone. You have friends." He stood up to leave. "I will not accept your resignation. You'll report to the U.S.S. Enterprise in two days." He stared down Jim, who nursed the empty bottom for the last few drops.

Jim fought the desire to hit Admiral Pike. Who did he think he was? He didn't know what he was going through. He had no right to tell him what to do. "I will not report to the Enterprise. I won't be somewhere where I'm not wanted."

"Not wanted? Aboard the Enterprise with your friends?"

"I don't have friends," he muttered, after the drop landed on his tongue.

"What are you talking about? You have-"

"No, I don't." He stood up rather fast, and the room spun. "I don't." He shook his head, trying to find the door. Targeting the door, he made his way.

"Jim, what's going on?" Pike asked, following the blond. By the time Jim answered the old man, they were outside. However, he didn't answer with his words, but rather, with his movements to his bike. "They don't know what happened to you, do they?" There was no answer. Shock was present in his voice. "So what do they think happened? What do they think of you?"

The young drunk man made his away to his motorcycle, playing with the key in his hands.

"I never knew you were a coward, Jim." Pike eyed him. He didn't like how this was going. "You left the Enterprise over a lie?"

"I didn't leave the Enterprise over a lie." Jim climbed onto his bike. "I left the Enterprise, because the fit wasn't right for anyone anymore." His helmet was secured on his head, but the keys still dangled in his hand.

"You know that's a lie. You're the only one, who's right for that ship."

Jim glanced back, noticing the look in Admiral Pike's eyes. It was pure fear, as if he was watching him ride to his death, and he could be right. Jim was passed the legal limit; he could easily be riding to his death, but he didn't care. He didn't care if he died right then. In fact, he wished he would die right then. He wouldn't have to face what had happened to him. He wouldn't have to know that the people, who mattered most to him, hated him. He wouldn't have to face a life without the Enterprise. "I don't fit there anymore, and I won't fit anywhere else."

"Just tell them what happened to you."

"Tell them what? I was sexually assaulted. That I was…" He couldn't say the world. His ego wouldn't let him say it, and though it made him sound sexist, any man that allowed themselves to be raped wasn't a man. "No, if they're willing to believe that about me in the first place, then we weren't friends to begin with." He wasn't going to beg.

Pike took a deep breath. "You can't get through this without them."

"And I can't get through this with them," he countered. He needed to get out of there, before he went crazy, even if he was already crazy. Slipping the key into the slot, Jim turned it over, and the bike came live.

"Jim, don't you dare." The engine roared as Jim placed his foot on the gas. "Don't you dare."

The young man registered the fear in Admiral Pike's voice, but he didn't care. He didn't care about anyone or anything anymore. The engine roared again.

"If you drive away now, you'll kill yourself." Pike made his way to Jim, but the bike took off as fast as Jim could possibly get it. He heard Pike yelling for him to stop. He heard him curse. He heard him cry out to him, but no matter what he said, Jim had no interest in listening to him. He had other things on his mind, and his life wasn't one of them. Nothing about his life made the list.

The road became nothing more than dirt as Jim turned off the main street. This dirt road brought back so many memories. He remembered stealing his dead father's car and driving it off the cliff. Though he got the shit beat out of him by his stepfather, he didn't regret much. The only thing, he regretted, was jumping out of the car. He should've gone over the cliff too, then; he wouldn't be in this pain. Then it hit him; that it was easily corrected.

Somehow, he threw off his helmet without slowing down. The engine seemingly roared with such anger that Jim didn't know existed. The tires screamed as the speed rose to an unnatural level. The wind blew into his face to the point that he couldn't see. His eyes watered. His mind flashed back to that same old memory, making him feel like a child. For a second, Jim had truly thought he had gone back to that time, and he wished that it could stay that way. Back then, he had no trouble, well besides his dear old mother and Frank. There was no doubt in his mind that they wished he had died back then. He hated to think that his own mother hated him, but that was how it was.

Brought back to reality by a bug lodging itself in his throat, James T. Kirk spotted the fateful cliff. His foot pressed harder on the gas, and the engine hollered one last time as it reached into the red. Jim knew the engine wasn't going to last much longer, but that wouldn't matter. He only needed to go a little bit farther to take off into the air. His eyes focused on the cliff, which seemed like the only way out.

It was calling to him.

Closing his eyes for second, he remembered the last happy memory he had. His lover's face appeared in his mind's eye, causing him to snap back to reality. Even if Spock hated him, which he knew he did, he wouldn't want him to do this. Jim didn't know why he would think of what that man would've wanted. Spock believed that Jim betrayed him and treated him like he was nothing; however, Jim was the one, who had been betrayed. All of his friends had turned their backs on him without even listening to him. They judged him before they knew what had happened, not that he would have told them anyway. He couldn't even admit it to himself.

The mood was gone; however, he didn't have time to stop the bike. The only way he was getting out this alive was to jump, which was what he did. His body buckled, hitting the ground; it was one of the most painful experiences of his life. His head felt like it was on fire, his arms felt like they had been ripped from his body, and his chest felt like it had been stomped on by a half ton horse. He heard the faint explosion of his bike; he knew he was still alive.

"Fuck," he muttered. Not only was he in extreme pain, he had just lost his brand new ride. He loved that bike._ Damn._ He was going to have to walk home now, but he had no one to blame but himself. He was the one who wanted to kill himself. He pushed himself up off the ground, forcing the scream back down his throat. He was going to feel this in the morning. He wiped the dirt from his face, only to discover he was covered in blood. After examining himself, he found numerous bleeding lacerations after examining himself. It didn't bother the blond as he found the blood to be rather cooling, especially in this hot sun.

"Better get walking," Jim told himself, seeing miles of nothing. There was nothing around that could be used as a shelter, and he needed to get to out of the heat. _Shit, I feel like I have been hit by a car_, he thought. At every step he took, pain shot through his whole body. "This is going to be a long walk home."

When young Kirk got home, it was already dark. His body had developed a heavy limp, by the time he came upon his driveway. He was out of breath and knew he would 'die' the second he reached his bed. He was so tired, and he didn't care if he bleed and ruined his new bed. He just wanted to go to bed and sleep the pain away, but he doubted that would happen when he noticed someone on his porch. He hoped it wasn't Admiral Pike. He didn't want to hear what that man had to say. He didn't need a lecture.

To his surprise, it wasn't Admiral Pike, but rather his long lost brother, whom he hadn't seen in years. He would have run to his brother, if he wasn't in extreme pain; instead, a smile appeared on his face. "How did you find me?" Jim asked, hiding everything he was feeling. He didn't want this meeting to be ruined by his many problems.

"I heard someone had brought old Gina's place," his brother smiled. Standing only a few inches taller than Jim, he wasn't as lean and muscular as his younger brother, but he was built. "I just came out here to introduce myself, being a good neighbor," he smiled. "Being the gentleman."

"And you were always the gentleman, Sam." Jim hadn't move, since spotting his brother on the old patchy porch. He didn't want Sam to notice how beat up he was. He was glad for the cover of darkness.

"Yea, I was." Sam stepped down from the porch. "So why are you here, Jim? Last, I heard of you, you had joined Starfleet." A chuckle escaped from his lips. "And Mother wasn't pleased."

"Of course she wasn't," Jim said, remembering that woman. She wasn't please at anything that he had accomplished. He had no illusions that she would be happy for him.

"Anyway," Sam said, rubbing his blonde head. The Kirks were a family full of blonde. "I hear congratulations are in order, you know for saving the world."

His older brother was traipsing through uncomfortable waters. Jim didn't want to talk about that life anymore. He would rather talk about the shabby house that he had brought. The farm house looked like it was going to fall apart, but Jim liked it. Repairing it, it gave him something to do. "I guess."

Sam eyed his brother. "I know we haven't seen each other in years, but I know when something's wrong. What is it? Why are you here? Why aren't you with Starfleet?" He took a few more steps closer to Jim, and the state of his little brother became visible.

Jim shivered under his brother's eyes. He felt inferior like he had failed his brother. "I'm fine, Sam." He didn't want to talk about Starfleet. "Just crashed my bike on the way back," he answered, noticing Sam's concern.

"Is that why you walked back?" There was a pause. "Why didn't you call anyone? I'm sure someone would've picked you up."

Jim snorted. They both knew that there was no one, who he could have called, even though there were a couple that came to mind, but that wasn't the point. "Yea, Sam. I could've called Frank." He narrowed his eyes, walking past him.

"JIMMY!" Sam yelled, seeing how badly his brother was injured.

"What did you expect? I crashed." Jim limped his way to the door, searching for his keys. It didn't surprise him, when he couldn't find his keys. They probably went over the cliff with his bike. Fighting the urge to curse, he pulled out his ID and picked the lock. He didn't want his brother to know where his keys really were. "Would you like to come in?" He pushed the door open.

"Yes, I would like that," Sam said, following his brother into the house. "We can catch up. I would like to tell you about Joy."

Jim turned around, too quickly. He almost lost his footing. "Joy?"

"My fiancé," Sam smiled.

He looked away from his old brother, ashamed. His brother had great news to tell him, but he only had bad, which he couldn't even tell his brother. Sam didn't need to know about the trial, the resignation, and the suicide attempt. He didn't need to know any of it. "That's great. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks." Sam went on all about Joy, who seemed like a great lady. She was everything that anyone would ever want in partner. "I can see that you're bored."

Jim wouldn't say that; he rather enjoyed listening to his brother talk. He was happy that his brother was able to find someone, who he would be able to spend the rest of his life with. He wished that he could have found that special someone. Well, he did find that special person, but… He shook his head. He mustn't think of Spock at this time. The man had already told him so (in so many words) that he didn't want him. Even his (well not anymore) crew told him that they didn't want him. Did anyone want him? "Not at all." He smiled.

Sam laughed. "Well that's good."

"So when are you getting married?" Jim would be there no matter what.

"In a three days, and I want you there. That is if Starfleet will let you."

"I'll be there no matter what Starfleet says." The word stunned as it left his mouth, but he wasn't going to let it show. _Sorry, Pike, but I can't._

"Excellent," Sam smiled. He sat across from Jim in an old chair that needed to be thrown away. "I guess it would be stupid to ask, if you had visited Mother yet. I know she would love to see you."

Jim did his best not to laugh, but he wouldn't keep in his snort. _She would rather see Dad than me._ He thought. "I bet Frank would love that."

"Hey, they can't turn away the famous Starfleet Captain, who had saved the planet as well as their lives."

"You would never know," Jim said, not having the nerve to correct him. He didn't know, if he would ever have the nerve to correct him. He doubted that he could ever be able to face Frank or his mother, if they knew. He could almost see the look on Frank's face, if he ever found out. "I knew you would always be a failure, boy." He didn't know if he could take that.

"Give Mother some faith. I doubt she could be able to turn away her baby boy."

Jim almost laughed again. He was never her baby boy, and he would never be no matter what happened. "If you say so, Sam." He couldn't disappoint his brother.

* * *

until next time


	2. Lost of the Innocence

I do not own Star Trek.

Reedited form.

again

4-7-11 So again, this was reedited, and this time, it was by a beta! Yay. Thanks, Romanse!

* * *

Chapter 2

Loss of the Innocence

* * *

Admiral Christopher Pike believed in people rather than facts. Facts were constant, but facts would mean nothing without people acting on them. Facts needed to be interpreted by unpredictable people to have any meaning. Facts could be wrong. Was any fact truly correct?

He had no evidence that James T. Kirk would show up. He hoped, or rather, prayed that Jim would show up, even if there were no sign that he would; however, Jim would do anything to be unpredictable, but it made him quite predictable at times. He remembered when he convinced him to join Starfleet. Jim arrived, after the shuttle was schedule to take off, but Pike still waited for the boy. He knew Jim was going to show up; however, this time, he wasn't so sure. He had never seen a man so defeated.

"I don't think he's coming, Admiral."

Pike sighed, glancing to the man next of him. "I don't think he is either, Captain Pitts." It was already ten minutes past shuttle departure time. _Damn you, Jim._

"Hey, he'll be back to Starfleet before you know it." Pitts, who was much older than Pike, stood at six foot three inches. His starch white hair had started to thin out on top. He was slightly overweight, but he hid it well. "That's why you put me in charge of the Enterprise." He smiled.

Pike's eyes brushed over the horizon for a brief second. "I hope Jim will change his mind before you retire in two months." He was slightly annoyed at Jim. He placed his faith and reputation in him, only to have it thrown in his face. However, he didn't blame Jim for his decision. Pike didn't know what the Enterprise crew did to lose their Captain's trust, but once it was gone; it took hell to get it back.

"Two months of the unknown would send anyone back. Kirk isn't the type to sit back and do nothing." Pitts walked back to the shuttle and rested his hand upon the frame. "He'll be back, and his crew will be waiting for him."

_I hope so. _Pike shook his head. _His crew misjudged him, and now, they have lost him._ It was a sad day for Starfleet, losing one of their star captains. "Let's get you to the Enterprise. It's time they meet their new captain."

Pitts nodded, entering the small shuttle. Pike took a deep breath, before following the man into the craft. There was only one thought on his mind: this was going to be an interesting meeting. The only thing, that could lighten his day, would be the shocked expressions of the crew, when they met their new captain. Closing the door, he made one quick look at the horizon.

* * *

Leonard McCoy stared off into space, wondering what the hell had happened to Jim. He had disappeared a short week ago without a word. When Jim didn't return, he contacted Starfleet himself as no one else cared to. Not that he blamed them, not after what Jim had done to Spock. Everyone sided with the pointy-eared goblin, even Leonard himself had. He thought Jim had changed and became a better man, but he was deeply mistaken. It wasn't like he hadn't done this before, but Leonard thought it was different. He was very wrong, and that was what unnerved him. He felt like a moron for believing Jim, and that was the last straw. He was sick of fixing Jim's mistakes.

The doctor took a deep breath, remembering how everyone treated Jim. Bones knew if he faced what Jim had from the crew, he would've disappeared. They were rude and disrespectful to their Captain, and that probably pissed Leonard off the most. They may dislike and hate Jim, but when it entered the workplace, it had gone too far. He was shocked how far Spock, of all people, had let them take it. He was supposed to be all logical, but he was acting in the most illogical way.

He glanced around the sickbay. He was alone, which was expected, considering they were docked at one of the earth's orbiting spaces ports. There wasn't any reason for any of the crew to be hurt (not that he put it pass them) as they were all stuck on ship. The only person, who wasn't accounted, was Captain Kirk, but it wasn't abnormal for a Captain to be absent while docked. He probably was in an important meeting. Besides, Starfleet had already said that everything was fine with James T. Kirk. He was to be as expected, which didn't sit well with Dr. McCoy. What the hell did that mean? To be as expected? Did something happen to Jim? No, Jim would've told him if something were wrong. _But you guys aren't speaking, remember?_ Leonard took a deep breath, worried about Jim. _He's probably sleeping with some chick, and you're worrying about nothing._ That one thought made him curse loudly. It would only make his situation worse, if anyone upon the Enterprise were to find out.

The good doctor quickly left the sick bay, wondering if there was any word on Jim. The bridge being the best place for information, Leonard made him way there, only to find the bridge crew in a lively conversation. He wasn't the only one sick of a weeklong dock. Tensions were running high again.

"What do you think it is?" Sulu asked.

Spock, who sat awkwardly, responded, "if was vital to this ship, I am sure we would have been made aware of it." His long fingers typed away.

"Spock's right. I'm sure Kirk's on some beach somewhere with a girl." Uhura didn't notice Spock finch slightly, but Leonard, who was eyeing the commander, saw it as clear as day.

"I don't think ve should be talking like that," Chekov said, feeling uncomfortable.

Uhura glanced to Spock, whose full attention was on the monitor, and decided against saying what was on her mind. The bridge went silent as no one dared to speak.

Leonard looked away and, took a few steps in. He ended up behind the captain's seat, which reminded him of Jim. It even smelled like him. He shook his head. Was he the only one taking this seriously? Was their captain's safety not important? He knew that they were upset, and he couldn't blame them; however, they had crossed the line. He didn't dare call them out in Spock's present. That man scared him at times.

A few minutes later, the door to the bridge opened, but no one made a sound until they realized who it wasn't. Admiral Pike, and some unknown man stood calmly with their arms rested behind their backs. What were they doing here? Spock, signaling the rest of the bridge, rose to his feet. McCoy eyed the two men.

"At ease, men," Pike ordered. Everyone returned slowly to their seats, but Pike and the strange man held their attention. Pike opened his mouth, obviously wanting to get this over with. "I would like to introduce you to Captain Pitts, the new captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise."

For a brief second, the bridge went completely silent, but it didn't remain that way. McCoy burst, "What do you mean new Captain? What the hell happened to Jim?" His face flared, as he took a step forward. Anger was present in his voice.

No one dared speak until Spock stated, "The purpose of human pranks escapes me. Where is Captain Kirk?" No one else worked up the nerve to speak, not that Spock understood how someone could work up a nerve. How would that help someone speak?

Pike took a deep breath. "This isn't a prank. Captain James Kirk is no longer the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise."

McCoy rolled his eyes. "Yes, I gathered that." His eyes flicked to Spock, before resting on Pike and their new Captain, who looked way too old to be the new Captain of the Enterprise. The man looked days away from retirement. What would be the point in appointing him captain?

"Has he transferred to a new ship?" Sulu asked. Had they gone too far?

Light frown appeared on Pike's face. "I wish, but no. Mr. Kirk is no longer with Starfleet. He handed in his resignation for medical reasons."

Dead silence filled the bridge again. The word coward escaped from Uhura's lips, but only McCoy and Spock heard. "Medical reasons?" The doctor asked. "Are you kidding me? I would've known, if that were true. I am his doctor."

"You were his doctor, McCoy." Pike stepped deeper into the bridge.

"May I ask what those were, Admiral?" Spock asked, as McCoy remained silent.

"J-" Pike started, but Captain Pitts stopped him with a wave of the hand. "I believe, Commander Spock, that if Mr. Kirk wanted you to know, you would've been made aware. As it is clear you have not, I will not reveal it to you." Pitt walked passed Pike, heading to the Captain chair. McCoy, who was standing next to it, stepped away not wanting to be in his path.

"What are you saying?" Leonard asked. He didn't like this man's tone.

"I'm not talking in riddles, Doctor." His hand ran over the chair. Pitts hadn't seen anything like this before. The Enterprise was really top of the line; no expense was too much. "I'm merely saying that you mustn't have been close to Captain Kirk. I doubt anyone was." His eyes surfed the crew.

McCoy held down his anger, knowing it wouldn't be wise to unleash it on a superior officer. In addition, he knew Captain Pitts was right, and that alone killed him. During Jim's last month aboard this ship, he was treated like he was slime.

Pike let out a sigh, knowing where this was going. "I think I'll let you guys bond." He would have to make check in later to make sure no one was dead. "I have a meeting that I have to go to." He left without another word, leaving Captain Pitts with his new crew.

Tension rose as Captain Pitts took a seat in the captain's seat. Everyone eyed up the new captain, unsure what to think of him, but McCoy knew he didn't like this. He hated not knowing what happened to Jim, and he knew he wasn't the only one. He was going to find out what had happened to his best friend.

"Stop gossiping and get back to work. I want a full systems check." McCoy didn't have time to think as Captain Pitt started to run down a long list of orders. There was a brief hesitation, but no one dared question the man. He may be old, but he was strict.

* * *

The church, a fitting example of 21st century artisanship, was kept up nicely. The arches were carved out marble that sparkled in the sunlight. The pillars were shaped to look like long, never ending–spirals. The altar had angels carved into the sides, and behind it was painted a beautiful mural. The pews, a dark cherry wood, were created to look like carriages. The marble floor was covered in a red carpet, which was recently placed. Multiple kinds of flowers were lined in front of the stained glass windows. That was before the bride got her hands on the church.

Red fabric hung from the arches as red rose petals lined the floor. Red flowers of multiple shades replaced the multi-colored flowers on the window. Red fabric spiraled down the pillars. Red fabric interwove in the pews, while red bows hanged off the ends. Incense was placed randomly throughout the church, causing the church to slowly smell like cinnamon. It was truly beautiful.

Jim wondered around the church, taking everything in. His hands ran over the cold marble. He was happy for his brother but he would be lying if he said he wasn't jealous. He was very much jealous. He wished he had what his brother had with Joy, or rather, he wished he still had it.

"It's beautiful, isn't? Joy has an eye," Sam said. He was already in his fancy penguin suit. He looked good in black; it made his blond hair stand out.

Jim sighed, returning to the center of the church. He was still limping. "Yes, she does. So how are you affording this?" He knew damn well that Frank wasn't helping, and Winona wouldn't be any help, if Frank was against it. She did whatever that man wanted.

Sam smirked. "I have my ways."

Jim laughed, wondering what Sam did. He hoped it wasn't anything illegal, but since he wasn't with Starfleet anymore, he forced his mind off it. "Really? Then you can hook me up with a new bike?" Sam playfully mocked no, and their laughter filled the church, which was due to fill up in an hour. "That was good. I needed a laugh."

"Jim, what does that mean?" Sam asked, walking to his younger brother. He eyed his finely dressed brother, who still sported signs of his crash. His beautiful face was still scratched up, and a large Band-Aid was plastered to it. His body was still bashed up, but his suit covered many of these injuries. "What's going on?"

Footsteps could be heard as Jim turned away. "Nothing's going on. Everything's fine." _Besides, the fact that I lost my purpose._ He ran his fingers through his hair.

"Jimmy," Sam said.

"Don't Jimmy me. I'm fine, and besides, this is your wedding day. You should only be worried about that." He put on the biggest smile he would muster. "My only brother's getting married. Nothing else matters."

Sam walked to his brother and carefully pulled him into a hug. Patting him on the back, he pulled away; however, his hand was still clapped to his arm. "That may be true, but I'll always be your brother. I'll always be there for you."

"Yes, you'll always be." _Even when you left._ Jim smiled, not wanting to ruin such a peaceful moment with Sam. He wasn't going to let his dark thoughts to ruin this day.

"Sam, Jim," a woman called out from the entry.

Both men turned to face the woman, but only one responded. "Hello, Mother," Sam said, walking to her. He pulled her into a big hug.

Jim didn't move, nor did he make any sound. It had been years since he had seen the woman who had given birth to him. The last time was when he moved out of the house at sixteen, which she wasn't too upset about. It made him wonder, if she ever cared about him. If anyone ever cared about him. Was he going to live a life of abandonment? Was that all he was good for?_ Damn, I need a drink. _He promised himself that he wasn't going to drink, not on this day, but if he was going to have to deal with his mother and Frank, he would have to.

"Sam, can I talk to Jim alone please?" His mother asked. "I believe your groomsmen need you." She smiled.

"Yes, Mother," Sam responded, placing a kiss on his cheek. He glanced over to Jim, before leaving.

Winona Kirk was a beautiful woman, and her smile was warm and inviting. It could have made the strongest of men turn into a puddle but not Jim. Coming closer to her youngest son, there was a sharp intake of breath. She took him in. "Jim, what happened to you?" She asked.

He couldn't bear to look at the woman and turned away. His eyes rested on one of the stained glass window, which portrayed a classic image of the catholic religion. This church was created in an era that religion was huge. "It's nothing. Just crashed my bike." Jim had no interest in talking to his mother.

She tried to get a better look of him. "Jim." She reached for him, but he shook her off. "I know we aren't close. We have our problems, but-"

"But what, mother?" He exhaled.

"Jim."

"No, I refuse to talk to you."_ I need a drink._ His promise was thrown to the curb.

"Jim," she called out him. Her voice was calm and collective.

"Why would I talk to you? You abandoned me with Frank, so you wouldn't be reminded of my father." He balled his fist. He couldn't talk about it without getting emotional. That man made his blood boil; he doubted he would be able to restrain himself if he saw him. He needed to consume alcohol, if he wanted to stop himself from killing that man.

"I don't understand why you have a problem with Frank. He has been kind to you and your brother."

Jim snorted. "Only around you." He turned his head, catching her eyes for a brief second, as he looked for a way to escape. The entry wouldn't work, because he doubted Sam was too far away. This had to be a trap; his brother wanted to get them together.

"What's with the attitude?" Winona asked. Her peaceful tone had vanished. "Is this because of your resignation from Starfleet?"

All of the sudden, the air left his lungs, and he had lost all ability to think. Things went fuzzy. "How do you know about that?" he asked, his voice shaky.

"I work for the Federation. Your resignation spread like a wildfire. You're the golden boy of Starfleet."

Jim felt his whole body shake. If she knew about that, what else did she know about? "Does Sam know?"

"No, Jim. I didn't tell him. I thought you were saving it until after the wedding but now I'm wondering if you were ever going to tell him." She walked to Jim.

He waved her off. "What does it matter? I assume you had already told Frank, and he's probably going to spill the beans just to mess with me." He needed to sit. He needed to think this through. The step by the altar looked like a good choice.

"Yes, Frank knows, but I doubt he would do that to you."

_Then you don't know him that well._ He eyed his woman. She hadn't changed much. She still had the same blind faith in Frank. _I need a drink…no, I need five drinks._

"I told him that we should keep it quiet for a little bit." She stood a few feet in front of him, not making any motion of contact. She knew Jim didn't want her to touch him.

_I definitely need a drink._ His step-father would rub his resignation in his face. Frank would love to show him how useless he was. Narrowing his eyes, he wondered what else he should be worried about. "What else did you hear about me?"

"Was there something else?" Winona asked, worried.

_That's good. At least, Starfleet can keep something quiet. _He didn't know what would happen, if the knowledge about his ordeal was released. How would his 'family' react to that? Would Frank laugh in his face and say he deserved it? Jim didn't think he could handle that. And what would his mother and brother do? Would they feel sorry for him? Would they pity him? He didn't need their pity. He didn't need anyone's pity. "No."

Winona took a deep breath; Jim answered far too fast for to be fine. "Jim, what else is there?"

His body ached, pushing himself up. "No. There's nothing that I wish to tell." Even if he wanted to tell his mother, he wouldn't be able to.

"I'm here, if you would like to talk."

Walking past his mother, he headed to the door. He had no interest in talking to his mother. "If I wanted to talk, it wouldn't be with you."

She flinched at his tone, but she shook it off. "I'm happy we had this time to talk. I believe it has been beneficial." Jim didn't even look back to acknowledge that she had spoken. The door to the impressive church slammed closed as the young blond stormed out, leaving Winona alone.

* * *

It had been a long time, since he stepped through these halls. It brought back memories, but he pushed them back, having had enough of them. It was illogical to be affected by memories, which had no influence on the present, other than to bring out emotions, and emotions were illogical, as they served no purpose. There was one memory, however, that he couldn't push back. It plagued his dreams, which was also illogical. Why would someone intentionally hurt themselves? He didn't usually dream, but to humans, dreams were important; it was the way that the self-conscious revealed itself. Spock didn't know what this dream was trying to tell him, but he had no interest in finding out.

He remembered the night, when Captain Kirk and a few Starfleet officials went planet side to meet with the government officials. It was a routine thing, but Spock found himself worrying. He didn't know understand why. It was illogical. There was no point in worrying, because it served no purpose, and it would accomplish nothing. In the end, he assumed it was well placed, because Captain Kirk was late. His heart skipped when his Jim came back, and broke when Jim walked into the Captain's quarters. When the door opened, Spock only noticed the smell on Jim, and nothing else. He didn't see Jim. The disgusting smell had overwhelmed him, sending all logic out the door. His Captain had betrayed him and mated with another. Spock disappeared from the room as fast as he could, refusing to let Jim explain. Spock shook his head, trying to get the memory out of his mind.

He had become emotional. He was snarky with the crewmembers, and his anger had passed to the others, who started to treat the Captain as he had. The Vulcan, who had his heart broken, didn't care, even though it went against his Vulcan half. He accounted this to his human half. When Captain Kirk disappeared, he became more illogical. It didn't matter how angry he was. He was worried about Jim, but that worry didn't last long; as the crew pondered what their famous Captain was doing, or who he was doing. He came to believe that his Captain didn't care what his crew thought. Not that it mattered. It was illogical to care what others thought about oneself. His younger days were a testament to that.

However, they were wrong. It was obvious that Kirk cared what they thought. His resignation was proof. The fact that Kirk left Starfleet made Spock wonder if he was sorry for betraying him. He wasn't going to take him back, but it made him feel a little better about the situation. Nothing good would come from Kirk's resignation; he was too valuable to lose, and it annoyed Spock that Kirk left. He didn't believe him to be a coward, but he guessed he was wrong, which also annoyed him. It also annoyed him at the level that Kirk could annoy him. It was most illogical.

Closing his eyes, he stood in the middle of the hallway, whispering something to himself in Vulcan to calm himself. He mustn't let that man get to him. He had to collect himself before he met his future self, who was on Earth. Spock was interested in talking with him, which was the only reason why he was at the Academy. After a few deep breaths, he continued his way down the hallway. He needed advice and guidance from his counterpart. He didn't know how to deal with this Kirk situation; in addition, he didn't know whether his betrayal was still affecting him or his captain leaving without word. Was it both? It pained him to be in the same room as Jim, but yet, it pained him, when he wasn't. What was wrong with him? There had to be something wrong with him to be this illogical.

It didn't take long for him to find who he was looking for. Ambassador Selek, his counterpart, was visiting the Academy for important business, and Spock hoped that Selek would have time to speak with him. He knew Selek was in meetings all day, and there was a chance that he wouldn't be able to speak with him; however, he had no other alternative. The Enterprise was leaving for a month long mission, with their new Captain later this evening. It would be the first mission without Captain Kirk, since he had taken over the Enterprise a year ago.

Stepping closer, he got a better view of his future self, who was in a deep conversation with Admiral Pike. Even from this distance, he knew it was personal, but he couldn't make out what they were speaking. He could make out words here and there, but sentences were out of his reach. When he moved closer, he could make out what they were saying; however, they became quiet at the sight of him.

"Can I help you, Commander Spock?" Admiral Pike asked, eyeing the younger Vulcan. His stance became formal at the sight of him.

"I request to speak with Ambassador Selek, if he has the time." Spock glanced over to his older self, wondering what was he was thinking.

Pike met Selek's glance, before returning to Spock. "I do believe that will be fine. Selek and I are just finishing up." He turned away from him. "I do believe our conversation was constructive. I hope you understand my concerns."

"I very much do, Admiral Pike, and I share your concerns." Selek looked down, thinking about the situation. "I will have to see, if there is anything I can do."

"Very well. I have to go. Important business. An admiral's job's never finished," Pike saluted, before disappearing.

Spock watched him leave, before speaking, "I have some things to discuss. I-" He refrained as Selek silenced with his hand.

"Not even going to say hello? What happened to simple conversation manners?" Selek eyed his younger self.

"I did not believe these were necessary." Spock's eyebrow rose.

Selek took a deep breath. "They are unnecessary but nice." He looked over the young man, who had so many lessons to learn. "What do you have to discuss? I am afraid that I am in a hurry."

There was a long silence. "I cannot meditate or think properly. My nerves will not cede. I am acting in the most illogical way."

"Spock, have you consider that you are perfectly fine." Selek smiled in the most unVulcan way. His stance was soft and friendly.

"What do you mean?"

"You are half-human. These are your emotions. They are what make you different. You are influenced by them. What are you feeling?"

"I am conflicted." He paused, waiting for Selek to speak, but the old Vulcan remained quiet. "I cannot get him out of mind."

"Jim is simply hard to forget." He asked, already knowing the answer, "Why do you not go see him?"

"Why would I see him?" Spock asked, narrowing his eyes. "He had left Starfleet of his own freewill."

"Maybe, you don't know the whole story."

"I do not wish to hear about Jim's experience," Spock said, failing to notice the sour expression on Selek's face._ You do not know the whole story._

"You are mistake. You do." Selek exhaled slowly. "I have to say farewell. I have somewhere to be. On an ending note, you should meditate on your memory. It may has something to tell you." He saluted, before also disappearing down the hallway.

Spock was left wondering what his counterpart meant. He told him he could not meditate, but yet, he ordered him to. For some reason, Selek wanted him to relive that memory; however, he didn't know that Spock was reliving it every time he closed his eyes. It haunted him every second of the day. He saw it too many times to need to relive it. He knew that there was nothing to tell. His counterpart was wrong. He flexed his hands, trying to forget that memory.

* * *

Thwacked! Jim went flying back against the wall, causing pain to run through his whole body. His old injuries felt like they were on fire, but he wasn't giving up. Pushing off the wall, he tackled Frank to the ground, pounding him. Frank bucked Jim off and threw pouch at his face, but Jim blocked and countered. Fists flew for some time, before someone grabbed both Jim and Frank from behind and pulled them back. Frank shook off his restraint, but he didn't lunge for Jim. Instead, he straightened his suit, while Jim tried to break away from his restraint. He wanted to go after Frank, who only laughed.

Something in Jim's head clicked. He suddenly remembered where he was, and his aching body froze. The person, holding back, released him, but Jim didn't move. His eyes were on the crowd; however, only two affected him. He was used to being treated like slime, but these two cut him to the core. His brother and his new wife were the only ones who mattered. It didn't matter that he had only just met the woman. Her opinion mattered. It was their wedding day, and he promised that he wouldn't do anything to ruin it, which had just happened. Turning away, he couldn't take the look in their eyes.

"I always knew you were a screw-up, boy. No wonder Starfleet didn't want you." Frank chuckled. The crowd started to mutter.

"What are you talking about?" Sam asked, eyeing his younger brother.

"Didn't you hear? He isn't in Starfleet anymore," Frank chuckled.

"Jim, is this true?" Sam asked, taking a few steps from his brother. He was still upset with his brother, but he was starting to understand Jim's mood.

Turning his back on his brother, he picked his dress coat off the floor. His drink laid in a puddle on the floor. He didn't look back as he began his walk of shame. Making his way to the door, he ignored the increasing pain. He had disappointed enough people in his life, and besides, he shouldn't have gone to this wedding anyway.

"And they considered him their golden boy?" Frank's laugh was the last thing Jim heard as he exited the hall.

The sun was low in the sky, which meant it was due to set soon. Taking a deep breath, he walked away from the building. Having no transportation, he had no choice but to walk home. He didn't mind walking, considering it give him time to think; however, walking was extremely painful. _Shit, that fight must have reopened something._ He checked himself, but he wasn't bleeding; however, his side was a deep shade of black and blue. _I must have broken something, when I 'crashed'._ And he doubted that that fight helped.

He took steps, before he was forced to stop; the pain was overwhelming. It was good thing that he wasn't a doctor, or else he would be freaking out with all the possibilities. He knew if B-McCoy was here, he would be freaking out. He knew he should be freaking out, but James T. Kirk did not freak out.

He startled by the slamming of a door. "I'm leaving, Sam. I'm sure your pretty wife wants me gone."

"She doesn't want you gone per se, but rather, the problems that you're causing."

Jim stood still. It wasn't his brother, but at least, it wasn't his step-father; that man had already ruined everything. "Well, that's good to know," he muttered, turning around. "What are you doing out here?" he asked the beautiful brunette. She was wearing a flowing red dress, which signaled she was a bridesmaid. "Shouldn't you be in there with the bride?"

She walked toward him, her eyes studying him. "There isn't anything important going on. Besides, don't you like my company?"

He shifted under her glance. He didn't unlike her company; she was easy on the eye, and if it wasn't for Spock, he had no doubt that he would be flirting endlessly with her… Why should that man even matter? He turned his back on him. He left him, abandoned him. "I don't mind it all." His grin filled up his face. "But I'm wondering why such a pretty thing is out with me."

Her eyes wandered up and down his body. "Walk."

"What?"

"I want you to walk to that curb," she ordered, pointing to a curb about twenty feet away.

He narrowed his eyes. "Why?"

"I want to assess your injuries. Now move."

"Are you a doctor or something?"

"Yes, I am. I saw you limping back there. I want to check you out. Now move."

Jim muttered under his breath. _Of course, I would run into a doctor._ He followed her orders; however, he stopped midway. The pain was too much to bear threatening to overtake him. His teeth snapped closed, masking the pain. He didn't want this doctor to see how much pain he was in.

"Finish the walk."

He ignored her, looking for somewhere to sit. He would just sit somewhere and wait until she left. He located a good spot, not too far from him. Biting his bottom lip, he made his way and lowered himself onto a large rock.

Exhaling, she walked to Jim, staring him down. "Why didn't you finish?"

"I'm sorry, Doc, but I do not need your assessment. I'm fine." He wished he had a drink. He really needed one.

Her eyes became sharp. "It's obvious that you aren't." She bent down in front of him and poked him in the side, causing him to holler out in pain. "See."

"What the hell? What's with you doctors and poking me?" He tried to stand, but he didn't have the energy. Before he had time to react, his shirt opened, and she was examining his multi-colored injury. "What in the hell are you doing?"

"Shut-it," she ordered, applying pressure as he almost flew off the stone. "This doesn't look good." She ran her fingers over his skin. "We need to get you into the hospital."

Pushing her off, he struggled to his feet. "I'm not going to hospital over an injury like this." His breaths became hollow, causing him to loosen the tie from his neck. He told himself the tie was too tight and there was no need to need to worry.

She took hold of his arm. "If I'm correct, you have broken a few ribs. I need to get you to the hospital before you pierce your lung."

"I'm fine," he said, pulling away from her.

"Mr. Kirk, I need to get you to the hospital." Her voice was becoming strained.

Waving her off, he took a few steps away from her. He struggled to catch his breath, but he didn't let it show. "I'm fine."

"And James T. Kirk will always be fine no matter what happens."

The doctor jumped, not recognizing the voice, but Jim knew to whom the voice belong to. "Spock," he uttered. The name felt weird on his tongue.

"No, not Spock. Ambassador Selek," the man spoke, coming into view.

"Yea, yea, Ambassador Selek." They didn't think the same, obvious by the fact that Selek was still talking to him, but Jim wasn't in the mood to talk to Spock, even if it was Spock Prime. "What do you want?" He closed his eyes. Even if it wasn't Spock of this time, it still hurt to look at him.

"I have been, and always shall be, your friend." He moved closer to the man, who had lost his way.

Biting his bottom lip, Jim turned to face Selek. He wasn't going to let his pain seep through to his face, even though he knew it was visible to the Vulcan, who cared. He closed his eyes, wishing his Spock felt the same way.

Selek took a deep breath, before turning to the girl. "You said he needed medical attention, Doctor."

"Yes, he does." She eyed his ears. Living in Iowa, she had seen her fair share of aliens, but she hadn't seen a Vulcan before. There was no reason for them to come to Iowa; there was nothing here but dirt.

"Very well. Jim, let's go." Selek moved closer to the young man.

Struggling to stay on his feet, Jim's world had started to spin. "If you're here to talk, let's talk." He fought to get this words out.

"We can talk once we get you checked out," Selek said.

"What gives you the right to worry about me, Vulcan?" Jim hissed. He took a few steps, eyeing Selek.

"Jim, we are friends," he responded, waving the doctor over. Jim's unsteadiness on his feet had become noticeable.

Black started to pierce thought his vision, and he became lost in it. In a stance while standing still, everything went back, and he could distantly hear them, calling him, but he didn't care. He was too exhausted to care. The darkness was welcoming.

* * *

Selek watched Jim's chest move, but he kept an eye on the doctors, who were checking his vitals. It wasn't that he mistrusted these doctors, but they were only humans. They made mistakes, and he wasn't willing to lose someone he cared about because of their possible mistakes. Placing a hand on Jim's, he was able to calm himself. Jim was always able to calm him, even when nothing else worked.

"You know you need to relax." The bridesmaid, now in a lab coat, doubled checked everything, making sure things were in order. Her brother-in-law was worried, and this kept him with his wife, when he wanted to be here with Jim. She should actually be there as well, but she wasn't going to leave Kirk in such a condition.

Vulcan's eyes wandered over Jim's sleeping form. A breathing tube went down his throat. A Band-Aid stuck to his chest, where his blood-filled lung was draining. "I am relaxed." His eyes wandered to her face. "When will he wake up, Doctor?" There were no ifs about it.

"His injuries are extensive, but they should heal over time. I can't give an exact time, because that's up to him." Her eyes studied the sleeping blond, before resting on the Vulcan's hand on Jim's. She found it unusual, based on her readings on Vulcans. "His injuries aren't consistent with a normal crash," she said louder than what she meant she'd intended.

"What do you mean?"

"These injuries are consistent with a person jumping off a moving object at high speeds." She shook her head, catching his eyes. "Don't listen to me. Just thinking aloud. Anyway, I should go report to Mrs. Kirk." She walked out of the room without another word.

_Jim._ Selek could feel his essence, and he didn't like what he was feeling. "Let's see what is going on." He placed his hand to Jim forehead, knowing this was an invasion of privacy. This would be considered a crime in the Vulcan race. Jim couldn't consent and had no power to stop Selek from entering his thoughts; however, Selek didn't have any other choice. He placed his fingers against his face and melded with him.

The mind was a truly wonderful place, and Jim's mind was usually no exception. It was a creative and beautiful; however, it was a desert wasteland at the moment. "What happened to you, Jim?" He found Jim, resting against the wreckage of a cherry red car, which was mangled belong belief. It was hard to believe that it was once a car, because it was nothing more than metal scraps. Plus, Jim didn't look well. His hair was a mess, and his officer uniform, if it could be called that, was ripped to pierces. His skin was visible and scarred. Dried blood was plastered to it. "Jim," he called out to him.

The blond didn't move, but he heard him. "What are you doing here, Old Spock?"

"You are not shocked that I am here?" he asked, making his way over. Jim's face was scratched up.

"I expected it from you." Jim looked forward at a cliff. "You aren't known for your patience," Jim put it nicely.

"No, I am not."

Jim's fingers played with the dirt. "Like the car? It was my father's."

Selek's eyes glanced toward the car. "What happened to it?" It was important to understanding what was going on in Jim's head.

The wind picked up. "See that cliff over there? I drove the car over it."

Silence filled the area. "How are you alive, Jim?" Selek didn't know the exact measurements, but there was no way that Jim could have survived that.

"I jumped." Out of nowhere, a ghost car raced passed them with a small boy driving. His memory relived itself with the Iowa cop included. "See," he pointed to his small self-jumping out of the car.

Selek narrowed his eyes as the small boy almost slid over the edge. "Jim, do you like worrying people?"

Jim laughed, glancing over to Selek, before pushing himself off the ground. "You have seen nothing, Old Spock." The mangled car disappeared, and another ghost appeared. Jim watched his past self ride toward the cliff.

"No," Selek whispered, feeling his heart die a little. What Jim was feeling filled his head. It wasn't like this with the pervious memory. What was different this time? Were the feelings stronger this time? "No, Jim. Not you." Jim tried to kill himself. Relief filled him, when Jim jumped off the bike.

"What did you expect, Old Spock? I lost everything. I lost my faith in myself when I was raped. I lost my lover. I lost my crew. I lost the Enterprise. The Enterprise! I lost my identity with that ship. I had nothing to live for. Correction, I have nothing." Jim walked away from Selek.

"You did not have to walk away. You can get it all back," Selek said.

"No, I can't. I may be able to get the Enterprise back, and be with him; however, what had happened to me will still be there. The look everyone gave me will still be there. I can't forget how they treated me." He shook his head.

"Do not forget it."

Jim raised his eyebrow. "What do you mean, pointy-eared bastard?"

"Our experiences make us stronger."

"Or in my case, weaker." Jim closed his eyes. The surrounding started to blink out and flash to a different memory. In these brief flashes, Jim was tied down and struggling to get away. This injured body was visible. "No, I don't want this!" He tried to block out the memory, but it wouldn't go away.

Selek felt his anger rise. He doubted he would be able to control himself if he ever saw the person, who hurt Jim. He wondered what the younger Spock would do if he knew. "Jim," he called out, placing a hand on his shoulder. The memory became unimportant as Jim's distress rose. Nothing else mattered. He pulled Jim into his arms, protecting him. "Jim." His hand ran through Jim's hair.

The memory became stronger, revealing everything that had happened to him. "Get out!" Jim yelled, fighting off Selek. "Get out!" Shutting all of his senses, he fell to his knees.

"Jim," he went down to the young man. "Only you can change the memory." Selek's smooth, calm voice had turned rough. He was having a hard time controlling his anger. How dare someone hurt Jim? "You have to fight this. You can do this, Jim."

"No, I can't." He cradled his head into his hands. He didn't want anyone to know what had happened to him.

"The Jim I know can," he said, trying to ignore the cries of help from memory-Jim. The sickening sounds were overwhelming.

Pushing away from Selek, anger rose inside of Jim. "Don't compare me to him!"

"Jim, it is only logical to be compared to yourself." Selek was confused

"I'm not him! I'm not the Jim you know!" The painful memory started to flicker.

"I did not mean insult," Selek said. "I meant to encourage you."

"I had enough of you and your Logic!" Jim pushed off the ground. "It's not wanted here! NOW, GET OUT!"

Everything went white as Selek was pushed out of Jim's mind, having never felt so much resistance before. Jim put up a defense that could keep out the most trained Vulcan, and he wasn't going to try to break through it, which would end badly. He wanted to help Jim, but there was nothing else he could do.

Letting go of Jim, Selek stood from the chair, becoming aware that he wasn't the only one in the room. In the corner of the room, stood Frank and Winona, who looked rather upset by something. "Hello," he greeted, keeping an eye on Jim. "Ho-"

"I think it's best if you leave," Winona said in a motherly fashion, eyeing the monitors connected. The sensors were all over the place, signaling how distressed Jim was.

Selek looked down at Jim, realizing she was right. His presence was stressful to Jim, and that wasn't good at this stage. He didn't want to hurt an already suffering Jim. "Very well," he said. Though he didn't want to leave, he decided leaving was best, having somewhere to be. He had already spent more time than allowed; however, he didn't regret it. Walking to the door, he took one last look at Jim. He said a blessing in Vulcan and exited, leaving a frowning Winona. She didn't approve of the old Vulcan.

* * *

until next time


	3. Unspoken Truths

7/15/2012: A Beta of my had edited this awhile ago for me. And I just gotten around to uploading the edit Version. She did 1 and 2 for me as well.

Same disclaimer: Do not own any part of Star Trek

* * *

Chapter 3

Unspoken Truths

* * *

Could a man truly know himself? Could he really know what he was meant to do? Who he was meant to be? Was life completely random? Or was there a set destiny? Did each experience create a person? Would one change in history change one's destiny? Was he still meant to be something great? There were so many unanswered questions. How could anyone be sure of anything with so many unanswered questions? However, even if these questions were answered, could someone truly know himself?

People went through life unsure of who they were or what they were meant to do. They had no idea of who they were. Living their lives unsure what would happen to them the next day. Their life had no identity or purpose, and they went through life without a sense of accomplishment. People spend their whole life trying to make a difference. Trying to be someone. Looking for greatness. Looking to make a difference. Life without meaning was as painful as getting shot in the heart.

Most people would never find it; however, once someone had, they couldn't let go. They couldn't drink themselves away, even though it felt good in that one moment. Life wasn't for the one moment, but rather, for the many moments in life. What good was the present, if it only lasted for a second? How could someone enjoy life, if they had nothing to look forward to? Life was only exciting, when it was worth something. As it stood, life wasn't worth anything.

* * *

Talking a long walk inside of the Enterprise, Selek was able to take it in. It brought back so many memories, which might never happen in this timeline, and now, there was no chance of them happening. Though the timeline was different, the resignation of James T. Kirk had shot it to hell. Without Captain Kirk, the Enterprise wouldn't reach her full potential, which would be tragic. All of those good deeds would never have happened, and that wasn't something he liked to think about. The universe needed the Enterprise.

The old, time-traveling Vulcan wasn't supposed to be on this ship, but his unexpected trip to the hospital made him miss his 'flight.' The ship, he was booked on, was on a tight schedule and couldn't wait for him. Selek wasn't upset at this, considering he wasn't the only person scheduled to be on it. It didn't wait on the passengers, when it wasn't of a vital concern; however, it wouldn't be a problem, if he wasn't on a strict schedule. Starfleet was kind enough to offer its services, based on the reason for why he had missed his 'flight.' They wanted Kirk back.

When Selek came across the observation dock, it was empty. The silence gave him time to think, which was what he needed. There had to be some way to get Jim back. Though his logic was impressive, there was no sure way to bring him back. Selek could to talk to Jim all he wanted, but it would get him nowhere, and he couldn't force Jim back. It would also serve no purpose. Forcing Jim to do anything would only push him in the opposite direction. He was stubborn as a goat.

Space, filled with mystery, was indeed a wonderful place. There was no way to know everything space held. Some found that relaxing, while others did not. People hated the very idea of the unknown, and the very thought of it freaked people, leading them to do the most risky activities in the name of knowledge. In these struggles, advances had created a drive for power; space had created the same drive. Though used correctly, it could be mastered for great things. Maybe, that drive could be used to bring Jim back. Knowing him, he couldn't do the same old thing day after day, not knowing what was going to happen to him. Jim joined Starfleet in the first place to get out of Iowa, where he had already suffered the known.

Turning around, Selek discovered he wasn't alone, but He was not surprised by who it was. He didn't expect his counterpart to seek him out, knowing Spock didn't consider him helpful, but rather, highly illogical. He was correct: it wasn't him. He was also correct that it wasn't McCoy, who was very worried about Jim. McCoy and he didn't hate each other, but they rarely got along in his timeline, thinking in different ways. At times, the doctor didn't believe he had a heart. In addition, he was also correct that it wasn't any of the other crewmembers, who had turned on Jim. It was in fact the new captain, Captain Pitts.

Selek didn't have one conversation with the man that wasn't a simple greeting. When the Captain came to seek him out, he was surprised, but he wasn't shocked. It would be illogical for a captain not to talk to an ambassador, not that he was on official business. It was a relief in a way; Admiral Pike had told him much about this retiring Captain. "What do I owe this honor, Captain Pitts?"

The man walked into the room, taking in the old Vulcan in. It was the job of a captain to take everything in and make sure that nothing went unnoticed. Life would be lost, if a captain didn't take notice. "I personally haven't met James T. Kirk, but I've heard a great many things about him." Pitts's glance left the old Vulcan.

Selek ignored the fact that his question went unanswered. "Did you come to talk about Jim?" He didn't suspect him to, knowing Pitts had to no relationship with Jim.

"I'm unhappy to hear about his resignation." He faced the window, arms folded behind his back. "It was a sad day."

"Yes, it was." Selek eyed the Captain, wondering what he might want. It was logical to assume that he wasn't going to answer any of his questions, if he were to ask.

Pitts turned and faced him. "I hear you're friends with Mr. Kirk."

"That is correct."

"I also hear that you had contact with Mr. Kirk during your visit to earth."

"I did." Selek's curiosity was growing.

The Captain took a few steps toward the Vulcan. "I assume it wasn't successful."

"May I ask the reason for of this conversation?"

"Simply a conversation, Ambassador Selek."

"About what? Is there a point to this simple conversation?"

"It's always about a point with you Vulcans." Pitts studied Selek. "Sometimes there's no point."

"That is illogical. In every conversation, there is always a point or else there would not be a conversation in the first place." Selek's eyes followed him.

Leaving his position from the window, Pitts made his way toward the door. "I believe you have won this round. I do have a point. I was engaging you about your relationship with Mr. Kirk."

"What is the point in that?" Selek asked, wondering about this man's true purpose. He made no sense, and none of his actions let up to any visible plan.

"I'll keep it to myself."

"Do you assume that you could use me to get Jim back? If that is the case, your logical is faulty. I cannot convince him to come back to Starfleet."

"I have my reasons, Ambassador." There was pause. "I enjoyed this chat, but I have some duties that I must attend to." Pitts waved, before disappearing through the doorway.

It puzzled Selek how Pitts found enjoyment in their conversation, when it left him confused. What did he get out that puzzling chat? He didn't gain any clues of the Captain's desire, and he needed a better understanding of Pitts, who handed him so many questions.

* * *

Elsewhere in the ship, McCoy was looking through the crew's medical histories, but he didn't need or want to look into them. He just needed an excuse to look through Jim's medical file, not that it would give him an excuse. The doctor didn't have any reason or right to be looking into Jim's file, considering he was no longer with Starfleet and no longer his responsibility or concern. He could be in a world of trouble, if someone were to find out. After searching through many medical files, he 'came' upon Jim's, but it wasn't any help. The file was opened; however, the later sections were sealed, which surprisingly started the same day as that mission on that neutral planet. The same day that Jim had cheated on Spock. _What the hell? What does that mean?_

Did something happen on the planet? Were the two events related? Was it just a coincidence? He closed his eyes, trying to put the pieces together, but nothing fit. He knew that he was missing something; there had to be something. _If Jim was injured, I would've known._ He was the CMO, and he would've been in charge of Jim, if he were injured. The planet had their own hospitals, and they were well equipped to handle emergencies. Jim would've been in good hands, but in McCoy's mind, there was no one better to handle Jim than himself. _Maybe, I'm just over thinking this._ There were hundreds of possibilities of what could have happened. _Spock would say I was being illogical._

It didn't matter what he thought, if no one else believed there was a problem. Starfleet obviously didn't think there was a problem. Spock didn't acknowledge the possibility of a problem. The crew well McCoy didn't know what they thought exactly. He knew what Uhura thought, knowing how she personally felt about Spock. She was a love sick puppy for that man. He didn't know what she saw in him. Heck, he didn't know what Jim saw in the guy, but he knew Jim felt strongly for him. However, the point was that no one was out right worried about Jim, if they were worried at all.

Exhaling harshly, he gave up on the medical files and violently pushed the computer away. He didn't like this. He didn't like this at all. He had a bad feeling about this whole situation, and he _was_ worried about Jim, even if he had nothing to go on; however, he trusted his feelings. It didn't matter how illogical Spock may think it was, feelings had meaning. He knew what he was feeling: something wasn't right. Loving what he was doing, Jim wouldn't have left Starfleet for anything. He loved the Enterprise. There was nothing more important in his life than this damn ship. That was why this situation didn't make any sense.

The intercom went off, stealing the doctor away from his worries. It gave his mind something else to think about. As a doctor, he knew worrying wasn't good for one's mental health as well as one's physical health. "McCoy here."

"Doctor McCoy, report to the Bridge."

"Yes, Sir." The intercom cut out, leaving McCoy alone in his thoughts. _Wonder what Captain Pitts wants now._ He didn't know if he disliked the Captain because he replaced Jim or if he was just bitter. He knew that he had no real reason to be on the bridge, but he wandered up at times. It wasn't daily, and he was always in the sickbay, when he was needed. However, Pitts put a stop to it. He didn't see the point of him wandering onto the bridge and had ordered him away, unless he was called. The doctor did see his point, but that didn't mean he had to like it, and trust him, he didn't like it one bit.

The turblift came upon the silent bridge. _Did someone die?_ Well that would be a reason for being called, but that wasn't what brought him here. Taking a few steps, he was able to see the patient, if he could call the ensign that. McCoy could hear her labored breathing from across the bridge. Sweat was present upon her brow, and her body was slow to act. It wasn't more than the common cold, but there wasn't much he could do for her. Besides, the CMO had other things to do.

Exhaling slowly, Pitts followed McCoy's glance and shook his head. "Though she shouldn't be in the bridge in her condition that's not the reason I called you here." He shifted his glance to a Lieutenant, sitting a few chairs down from the girl.

The Lieutenant was sitting quietly, doing his work. From afar, the good doctor couldn't tell that anything was wrong with him. "What's wrong with him?" His eyes ran down the Lieutenant, who was doing everything in his power not to look.

"I need him to be escorted to the sickbay for a full mental checkup," Pitts ordered. His glance rested in space. They were heading to New Vulcan, settled over a year ago, and after dropping off the Vulcan Ambassador, the U.S.S. Enterprise would be investigating a weird message sent from a distant sector.

The Lieutenant jumped from his seat as if he was sitting on a bomb. "I know I made an error. I flinched over an ordered, but it isn't anything to call the Chief Medical Officer about."

Abandoning their work, everyone on the bridge turned, facing the Lieutenant, who only freaked out more with every glance he caught. McCoy could see that his presence wasn't helping, and it didn't help that whole bridge was eyeing him.

"I believe it's time you leave with the McCoy or I'll have to call security," Pitts demanded as he glanced around the bridge, ordering everyone back to work with his eyes.

McCoy held back his glare, knowing it would be unwise to show disrespect to his Captain. Pitts would eat them alive, if anyone disrespected him; he wasn't like Jim. Jim. _He wouldn't have done this. He wouldn't be this cruel._ However, they had no one to blame but themselves. "C'mon, Lieutenant," he called to the man, who couldn't be any older than twenty-three. To avoid any more trouble, he needed to get the boy out of here. There was no telling what Pitts would do to the Lieutenant.

The boy glanced toward the doctor, before looking around the bridge; his eyes rested on the silent First Officer. If anyone was going to step in, it would be that pointy-eared hobgoblin, but he wouldn't say anything. He may not like what was going on, well that was if he showed enough emotion to like anything, but he wasn't going to show it. It didn't matter what he thought about the situation, it wasn't his place to step in.

"Why? What did I do?" Lieutenant asked, trying to keep his cool.

"You might have to sedate him, Doctor McCoy." Pitts didn't like weakness; you were as strong as your weakest part. At this point, the Lieutenant was their weakest part. As the Captain, he wouldn't stand for that.

McCoy made his way to the boy and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You aren't doing yourself any good. Just come with me, and you'll be back to your post in no time." The boy quieted down, deciding to listen to the doctor, who had his best interest in mind.

Pitts turned his attention to the Leonard, who wasn't ready to what he was going to get. "Doctor McCoy, do you have some knowledge that I don't?"

"I don't see why he wouldn't, if he checks out fine." McCoy knew he should have kept his mouth shut. This man wasn't Jim, who would've welcome advice from him.

"You got away with a lot under Captain Kirk, but that ended with his resignation. You're the ship's doctor, and nothing else. Do not cross that line again and give advice that has no medical bearing," Pitts ordered, harshly.

A vein in McCoy's forehead popped as anger ran through his blood. This Captain, who had no idea how the Enterprise worked, had struck him the doctor down without a second thought. Leonard knew that he was only a doctor, and logically, Pitts was correct; however, that didn't mean he was right. McCoy could bring something to the table. "Yes, Sir," he sneered through his teeth. It didn't matter how he felt, he must keep his mouth shut. He didn't need any more trouble.

The rest of the bridge watched in silence as McCoy grabbed the boy by the arm and pulled him into the lift. Spock's eyes rested on the doctor, knowing him well enough to know that the doctor was boiling. He knew that he had more to say. In that, Spock respected McCoy; he knew his place. However, something sparked inside of the young Vulcan, when Captain Pitts referred to Kirk. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it grew from the loyalty that he still had for Kirk. He was a good Captain, and no one could take that away.

* * *

Few Days Later-

The Enterprise was operating at 100%, but that didn't mean everything was running smoothly. The crew was eating themselves alive with worry, as they didn't want to earn the new Captain's rage. That lieutenant was still confined to his quarters, until the Captain felt he was 'ready', which no one was sure, when that would be. McCoy went out of his way to avoid anything that wasn't medical. The only places that the good doctor visited were the sickbay, the mess hall, and his quarters. The whole crew had heard what had transpired on the bridge, and no one wanted to be next. The outburst had sealed many minds about the Captain. He was a strict man, who expected perfection from his crew, and wouldn't settle anything less. In fact, he was almost willing to do anything to get that perfection; however, that didn't make him evil. That just made him appear to be a heartless robot, which many of the crew had started to believe.

Normally, Spock wouldn't see a problem with this command style; however, he saw how the crew was responding. They were too worried about making a mistake that their work was getting sloppy. The Captain had started to notice, and he wasn't all too kind about it, making tiny remarks, which only reminded the crew about their imperfections. As the First Officer of the U.S.S. Enterprise, Spock went to Captain Pitts one night to talk about the growing concerns among the crew, and he would be lying, if he said everything went fine. It didn't go as planned.

_"I expected more from a Vulcan. I heard you're a logical species. Maybe, I was wrong." Spock shifted forward in the conversation. "Let me explain. In order for a ship to survive, it needs to operate flawlessly. Any mistakes can result in the destruction of said ship, and I won't let that happen to the Enterprise. In order to achieve that, I can't let anything slide; I can't let things go with a slap of the wrist."_

Pitts had a very logical argument, and Spock couldn't argue with it. In fact, he agreed with the Captain in many respects, but there were other ways to achieve that total 'perfection,' which was nearly unmanageable if not impossible. Pitts expected the crew to work with him, while Jim worked with the crew to get that 100%. Some people couldn't operate under Pitts's kind of leadership. Each had different methods with different results.

A voice, signaling the end of its move, snapped the Vulcan out of his thoughts. It took Spock a few seconds to realize what was going on as the voice went off again.

"End game," he ordered, losing all interest in playing 3D Chess against the computer. His mind wasn't in the right place, and he didn't find the game challenging anymore. Though computers were logical and 'perfect,' it wasn't putting up a fight so to speak. It had become easy for Spock to beat, and there was no point in playing unless he played another person. A person could learn and become a challenge. Sure, a computer could adapt and be programmed; however, it couldn't learn. That was what he liked about playing against Jim. Jim was unpredictable, which was highly illogical, but he gave Spock a challenge no matter how illogical he was.

Jim. Everything reminded him of that man, and he couldn't take it anymore. He just wanted to rest and have peace of mind, but that wasn't going to happen. For the last month or so, his Vulcan ways had been lost to him; ever since that day, he wasn't himself, and he couldn't understand why. Logically, there would be conflicting emotions when ending any relationship. When he ended his relationship with Nyota, it wasn't like anything he was feeling now. His feelings for Jim ran deeper than his feelings for Nyota, and it would make sense for him to be suffering more this time; however, it was going a bit too far.

Illogical as it may be, he felt like he was missing something. His calculating mind wouldn't let him rest until it found an answer. There had to be an answer, and he was going to find it no matter how long it took. He needed an answer.

The intercom went off in his room, pulling him from his thoughts. "Spock here."

"You're needed on the bridge."

* * *

The call to the bridge was a welcome distraction no matter what had happened, when they entered the weird abnormality. After a few hours of nonfunctioning instruments, the Enterprise escaped it. It was a rather simple equation, but Spock found the whole situation fascinating. He wished that he had more time to study it; however, he had multiple reasons for wishing for that. One, he truly had found it to be fascinating and wished to know more. Two, it cleared his mind of everything else. During the whole event, Jim hadn't crossed his mind. The nightmares were at a rest, which he needed. Maybe, he found a solution to his problem, though it wasn't as good as an answer.

After finishing his shift on the bridge and listening to Pitts's lecture, he made his way back to his quarters to study the abnormality. Pressing in his key code into the intercom outside his quarters, the door opened, revealing the room to him. A figure on his bed startled him, but he quickly recovered. Illogical as it was, half of him wanted it be Jim, but he wasn't upset, when it wasn't it. Even though he was curious to why Jim left, he just wanted to forget him.

"What is the reason for this visit?" he asked. He wasn't in the mood for visitors, and he definitely wasn't in the mood to talk to the woman on his bed. He just wanted to be left alone.

Uhura slowly stood as if she was waiting for him to join her on the bed. "I wanted to talk. Is it unbelievable that I want to talk?"

Moving to his desk, he plugged in the information about the abnormality into the computer. "Judging from past acts, yes, it is." He turned his back to her, trying to focus.

"Don't you have to faith in me?" she asked, stepping closer to him.

"I acknowledge your communication abilities." His fingers typed away at the keyboard. His tone was rather plain.

Swallowing hard, she decided to continue. "No, I didn't mean with my communication abilities. I meant do you have faith in me personally?"

"I do not believe this has anything to do with faith. I am merely answering on the basics of prior acts."

"Logical as always." She wanted to reach out and touch him. She wanted to hold him in her arms. It would be foolish to say she didn't want him back.

Turning slightly, he eyed her. "I am Vulcan."

Taking a deep breath, she responded, "Yes, you are. As we all know, logic can be wrong." She wondered herself where she was going with this.

"It is impossible to be always right. Even logic can be wrong at times. Captain Kirk was proof to that." He returned his work.

That name created anger inside of her as she wished she could beat the crap out of him. Though he ended up betraying him, Jim had something with Spock that she would never have. Yes, she was jealous. "True," Uhura answered, refraining from insulting Jim. She didn't want to turn Spock away.

Shifting his glance across the screen, he didn't respond.

Her eyes wondered up his back, stopping at his smooth, pale neck. She had made up her mind, and she wasn't going to change it. Rounding up on him, she placed her head on his strong shoulder and her arms around him. "I'm here for you."

He stiffened in her arms. "I do not need your comfort."

"Everyone needs love and comfort."

"I have no need for these things." He rested his arms tightly against his chest, knowing he wasn't going to get work done with her in the room. He didn't need to read her mind to know what she wanted. "Only humans have need for these things." He stared at the screen.

"But you're half human." She licked her lips, eyeing his delicious neck. "I can help that half." She started to lay kisses to his neck. "Doesn't that feel good?" She could feel him tense up, but she continued as her eyes searched for his.

"Am I interrupting?" A voice called from the door.

Jumping away from Spock, Uhura turned to the door to find Ambassador Selek standing in the doorway. "No," her voice was small. Being one of the few, she knew who the old Vulcan was. "You interrupted nothing." The look in his eyes was very different from the look in the younger Spock's eyes.

"I can see." The older Vulcan's eyes wondered to his younger self, who had yet to move. "I am sorry that I have interrupted this nothing."

"Um, I've got to go. My shift's about to start," she lied, not wanting to be in this room anymore. She hurried passed Selek and out of the room, not wanting to face his judging eyes.

Selek took a few steps into the room, wondering what he had interrupted. "I hope that I did not ruin anything." Though the Vulcan didn't lie, that didn't mean he had to be truthful. He was half-human after all.

"You entered without notice," Spock stated, returning to his work.

"Blame my old age," Selek said, looking around the room. There were no signs that anything had happened between the two, but that didn't mean it didn't. He himself had never liked a messy room, and he had no doubt that his counterpart was the same. He could've cleaned up. "It is a habit. This was my quarters in my timeline, where I did not need to notify. I am sorry. It will not happen again."

Spock glanced back to Selek, whose eyes suggested deep thought. It was hard to tell what either of them was thinking. "Is there a reason for this visit?"

"I was wondering how you are feeling." Selek recalled, remembering their pervious conversation. "Have you thought about what our last conversation?"

"There is nothing to think about," Spock responded, his eyes studied the screen. The weird abnormality was fascinating, but Selek had distracted him. Did he know something that he didn't? "Unless, there is something you know that I do not know?"

Swallowing hard, Selek didn't want to betray Jim's trust by telling Spock, but he couldn't lie to his counterpart. "There is always more to know."

Twisting around in his chair to face his counterpart, Spock locked eyes with Selek, searching for answers. "What do you know that I do not?"

"Spock, there will always be something I know that you do not."

"…I am aware." His quarters was usually warmer than the rest of the Enterprise, but judging by his counterpart's expression, he looked rather uncomfortable in this room. He was aware that older Vulcans had trouble regulating their body temperature, but his temperature seemed off. "But there is something that you want me to know. You keep pushing me to meditate. Why is that?"

His eyes searched deep into Spock, wondering if his counterpart was ready for the information. If only Spock would've listened to him, he would already have known the knowledge, but he wasn't mature enough. Selek wasn't going to deny Spock growth by telling him. He had to find it out on his own, even if he desperately needed to know. Selfishly, Selek wondered if he wanted Spock to know the truth. "You are correct, but you must learn it on your own."

Spock's eyes narrowed, as he remembered their last conversation. "Is it about Kirk? Is there something about him that I do not know?" Replaying the memory of Jim's betrayal, he didn't understand. Was he right?

"Maybe, I should leave you to mediate," Selek suggested. Was he still betraying Jim, even though he wasn't saying what happened? A part of him wondered as he turned to leave.

"I do not appreciate the secrets. What happened to J-Kirk?" Spock retrained himself from moving any closer to the old Vulcan. Jim made Spock do illogical things; even his name could do that to him. He didn't trust himself. _I have to know._

Selek's mind flashed back to Uhura, wrapped around Spock. Maybe, Jim didn't need Spock back, considering his heart would be broken even more. "Good-bye, Spock. The Enterprise arrives at New Vulcan in a few hours, and I must prepare myself," he said, leaving Spock's quarters, before he could protest. The old Vulcan almost smiled. He had gotten Spock interested, and with that interest, Spock would find the answer.

* * *

_There has to be something_, McCoy thought, sitting in his office, located in the Sickbay. Besides the nurses gossiping about something that he didn't care about, he was the only one in the area at the time. He had other things on his mind to worry about. _Jim wouldn't just leave. There has to be something._ A medical file wouldn't be sealed unless there was something to hide. Staring at the monitor, he wondered what he was missing. Getting sick and tired of his lack of progress, he pushed the monitor away as exhaustion started to take over. He had spent hours trying to figure out what had happened to Jim. He had to know what had happened to his best friend, because there was no doubt in his mind that Jim was in trouble. He wouldn't have given up his dream if he wasn't.

_If only…_ Leonard needed someone on his side as he doubted his word alone would do anything. He was the _just _the doctor after all; what would his word mean? However, who could he get? Scotty? No, he still had that dog thing hanging over his head. Uhura? Definitely, No. She was still very bitter about the whole situation. Sulu or Chekov? No, they each had enough to worry about without getting 'into bed with him.' Besides, none of the listed held enough power to get anything done. The only person, who McCoy could think of, was First Officer Spock. He would've some pull; however, would Spock do it, especially after what had happened?

Corridors were filled with people running to their shifts, as they would be considered late if they were a second behind. Even a second was vital, and that one second could mean life or death. Space, though quiet and empty, could turn deadly, which was what Pitts had instilled into the crew. His punishments were tough and hard, but they served a purpose.

Making his way to Spock's quarters, doubt passed through his mind. Would Spock listen to reason? Putting his Vulcan half aside, Spock, still affected by Jim's betrayal, wouldn't hear anything that involved Jim. McCoy had the feeling that Spock would throw him out of room the second he mentioned Jim. He just hoped that his Vulcan half would give him a second to explain. If Spock let McCoy explain, he would get the pointy ear hobgoblin to join him.

Arriving at the Spock's door, McCoy's heart stopped. He didn't know if he could ask him for help. Never agreeing on anything, they hardly ever got along, and the only time that they did was when Jim was there to break up the fight. Without Jim, Spock and McCoy could barely stand to be in the same room together, and now, he was asking him for help. What was he thinking? The answer, he wasn't. Maybe, Spock wouldn't help. Maybe, he was wasting his time.

Pushing the intercom to signal the resident of his arrival, McCoy entered the room ready to defend his cause, but he saw Spock sitting on the floor in a meditation pose. "I didn't mean to intrude."

"I am finished," Spock answered, sounding irritated.

McCoy wondered if he should just leave. "If I'm bothering you, I can leave." He already felt like his presence was annoying the Vulcan, and he didn't need to make it worse. He still had to work with the man.

"You came for a reason, Doctor," Spock stated, pushing off the floor. His hands went to their standard position behind his back. His eyes searched McCoy's face for any clue to what this was about.

McCoy's mouth twisted as he tried to figure out what to say. How could he phase it to make Spock listen? Was there a way to phase it without pushing him away? "There's something more than what they're telling us. We have to find out what it is."

Spock eyed the doctor, wondering what he was up to. Mutiny? That wouldn't make sense. McCoy was far too loyal for that, and running to the First Officer wasn't the best idea, when trying to commit mutiny. "What are you talking about?"

"There's more to Jim's resignation then what we were told." McCoy paused slightly, waiting for Spock to jump in and stop him, but the First Officer remained silent. "His medical records are sealed. Sealed from the day he came back from that planet. You know the day," he paused. "Something must've happened."

"I know the day," Spock said, holding back every emotion. "However, Kirk's records are sealed for a reason, which means we should leave it alone, McCoy." The inter-workings of his Vulcan mind had started to spin.

"He resigned for health reasons! If that was the case, I would've known what was wrong with him. I'm the Chief Medical Officer! Also, I contacted Starfleet a couple of days after Jim disappeared, asking where in the hell he was, and they replied saying, 'Kirk's fine and as expected.' I don't even know what that means, but I'm assuming that something happened to Jim on that planet, and no one wants it known. Something's wrong. I can feel it in my bones, and don't tell me it's illogical," McCoy sneered. He had to make Spock understand.

Turning his back on the doctor, Spock's mind wondered back to what Selek had said. His counterpart kept telling him that there was something more to that one night. What was he missing? Was Kirk in trouble? Did he need them? Did Jim really betray him?

"Yes, I know assumptions are illogical and have no standing. I know I need facts; however, I'm right. I can't proveit, but there's something I'm telling you." McCoy narrowed his eyes, watching Spock. "Damn it, man, are you listening? Or am I too illogical for you?" His annoyance was growing.

Turning slowly to face McCoy, Spock spoke, "I am listening. There is no need for anger." He watched (as) McCoy paced the room, which humans did a lot to think. "I agree with you."

McCoy could've been knocked over with a feather. "Really?"

"Selek said there was something more. That I was missing something."

"Which is?"

"He did not tell me. I have to learn it on my own."

"What?"

"Vulcans are into self-learning. Selek wants me to find the answer on my own, which I do not understand," Spock said, feeling uncomfortable. He felt that that conversation was private, but it was vital information, and he filled him in.

Staring at Spock, McCoy spoke, "then what are you waiting for? Meditate. Find the answer. GO!" He waved him off.

"Which was what I was doing," the half Vulcan said, almost snapping at the Doctor. "I do not see what he wants me to see."

"Is there something I can do?" He felt useless. Jim was in trouble, but there was nothing that he could do, and he couldn't do anything unless he proved Jim was in trouble. He knew Jim was in trouble.

"There is nothing you can do," Spock responded, calculating possible strategies. Even if they found out what Selek wanted them to know, it might not be the answer that either of them wanted. Kirk could still have betrayed him and left, because he was too big of a coward to stay.

"Can't we talk to Selek?"

"Selek is no longer on the Enterprise. He left 23.6 minutes ago." McCoy threw his hands up to defeat. "I will try meditation again."

"Okay, then go."

Spock eyed the illogical doctor. "I must do it alone." He didn't necessary need to do it alone, but it was easier to focus. McCoy made it difficult to think with his emotions clouding his judgments.

"Fine, fine. I'll go." McCoy eyed the Vulcan, hoping they weren't wasting their time. They needed to know what had happened to Jim. They didn't know much, but he knew Jim needed them, even if he didn't know it himself, and Leonard wasn't going to let his best friend down. Leaving Spock's quarters, he left with a hope that wasn't there, when he entered. Maybe, it would turn out right.

* * *

I think I had pages breaks in the right places...


	4. What a Wonderful Life!

Hello, Long time no see, right? Well, I hope the wait will be worth it.

P.s. I probably should have put this first but I do not own Star Trek.

In addition, this chapter had started two different ways. I have started this chapter before I went Ireland, but when I came back, my computer wouldn't turn on, and I lost everything on it. I had to restart this chapter, but I have believed this version had turned out better. If I ever get my data off my old computer, I might let you guys read it, and you can judge for yourself

Well i hope you like this!

I did recover my old data, but it isn't as good.

* * *

Chapter 4:

What a Wonderful Life!

* * *

Jim had enough, and he was ready to explode. He couldn't take his mother anymore, and he was definitely sick of her hanging over him as if he was going to die at any second. At that this rate, he wished he would, so he wouldn't have to deal with that woman, who wouldn't give him the time of day when he had truly needed it. He remembered when he needed her as a child and she wasn't there. At his sixth birthday party when he was about to blow out his candles, he scanned the crowd looking for his mother, but she was nowhere to be found. Apparently, she had to leave his party on some vital planetary issue. Jim had never found out what that issue was, and he had wondered if he would ever find out, not that he cared. He just wanted to know what was more than important than him. Why couldn't she even say good bye?

There were so many times in his childhood that he wondered that. During his middle school years, he had joined a soccer team, mostly to get out of the house; however, he still had that hope that his mother would be proud of him, considering he was good at it. In fact, he was the star of his team, and all the other parents were proud of him. He wished that his mother felt the same; however, he soon had learned that she did not. After loads of begging (well Jim wouldn't call it begging), she came to one game, but she only stayed for 13.7 minutes. Remembering each second, he knew it was too good to be true. He was right, and Frank wouldn't let him forget it, but he didn't give up until a few years later.

He realized the only way he could get the attention he wanted was to act out, which was what he did for years. One of those times, he had gotten into a major fight with Frank in which the cops were called. While Frank had a few scratches on him, Jim was covered in blood and gashes, but his mother didn't believe that he didn't start it. The cops had believed him and demanded to take him, but apparently, they had been mistaken, and his mother had somehow thrown them off the property without taking Jim. Not even a few seconds later, she ripped into him. Without touching him, she had made him feel worse than Frank had. It was that day that he had given up. It was that day that he realized that he wouldn't count on his non-existent family, that he could ever in the first place.

He wasn't tied down, but he could've been. His mother had decided that he needed a babysitter, and no one was better than she was. He was just glad that she didn't bring his good-for-nothing stepfather. He eyed her from his position on the sofa, while she ate her mighty delicious sandwich that he wanted, but he was pretending to be asleep in the hopes that she would leave. He doubted that she would leave, if he was awake. She knew him well enough to know that he wasn't going to sit around and do nothing, and she was right. Jim wasn't the type to do nothing, and as soon as she left, he would be working, trying to fix up the house. The roof was in need of a major repair.

Winona, taking a deep breath, picked herself up, and made her way to the kitchen. He heard the water turn on and the dishes clashed together, making him twitch. His mother wasn't a house wife. She could burn water without even trying, which Jim didn't even know that was possible, but his mother could do the impossible in the kitchen, well besides cooking anything edible. It made him wonder, if he would have any dishes, when she left. He shuttered as he heard a dish break, which was followed by his mother cursing. He was about to jump up and run into the kitchen to stop the killings. His kitchen couldn't last long without his support, but he wouldn't give it with his mother around. That would just bring her destruction upon him, and he would much rather surrender his kitchen than face his mother.

After another string of curses, she emerged from the kitchen, and she looked unharmed but not happy. Jim wondered if there was ever a time that she was happy. He didn't know if she was happy with Frank, but you didn't have to be happy in your life to live it. He knew that he would never be in happy in his new life, and he was going to try to forget that fact by drinking.

"Jimmy, how's my son doing?" she asked, as if she expected him to answer. She walked to the sofa and sat on the arm.

Kirk did everything in his power not to respond. He wanted her to leave and talking to her wouldn't accomplish that. What he wanted was something that would get his blood pumping. He wanted a rush of adventure, which was rare in Iowa, but he would find it. He needed to find it, and he hoped that fixing the roof would give him that. Wow. If he had to stump to home-repair for an adventure, he had reached rock bottom. Maybe, alcohol could give roof fixing that rush he was looking for. He knew drinking while two stories off the ground was a very bad idea, but it would give his life that risk. He needed the idea that he could die at any second. Without that, life wasn't worth anything.

His mother continued talking to him as if he cared about what she was saying. "What have you gotten yourself into? I can see that something's wrong." There was a slight pause. "I'm worried about you."

Wanting to block her out, his mind drifted to the delicious alcohol that he had hidden in his house. He needed to drown himself with it, which would lead to horrible ideas like the fixing the roof while intoxicated, but he didn't care. Consequences meant nothing to him, only caring about the present.

His mother took a deep breath as she rose from her position. "I don't trust that man. You should stay away from him."

_Me listen to you? Ha. Like I would listen to you... Wait who? Who are you talking about? Frank? I doubt that. _He thought, as he wished that he had paid more attention to the conversation. He was interested now, but he couldn't let on or she would talk even more, which was something he didn't want.

"I have to go, but I'll be back to check on you," she said, fooling around with her sleeves. She laid a kiss to his cheek, which took all his willpower not to stop her, and took off. He waited until he heard her car leave before he got up.

He still wondered who she was talking about, as he collected his alcohol. It didn't take long for him to down it and get his tools. His balanced had started to go as he made his way to the ladder. It was amazing that he was able to position the ladder right and get on the roof. He laid out his tools before taking a sip from a new bottle. It felt bitter sweet as it went down his throat, but it created a warm feeling throughout his body. It made him feel somewhat alive, when everything else failed.

* * *

The hot sun was beating down upon his back as sweat poured down his face. Empty bottles had littered the roof as he finished his last beer not too long ago. He would've gone back into the house for another bottle, if he could've managed it, but his balance was too far gone. He had a hard time standing, and it would be difficult, if not impossible, to make it down the ladder; however, it didn't mean he was any safer on the roof, considering he had nailed his hand with the hammer a great number of times. Four of his fingers were already red, and a couple of his fingers were bleeding, but he did not care. The pain distracted him from the lack of alcohol.

"OW!" Jim yelled as he hammered his already injured hand again. Shaking his hand, he reached for the roof tile with the other hand, but it was just out of reach. He wiggled his fingers, trying to work the tile toward him, which didn't work; instead, the tile went flying in the opposite position. And Jim being drunk had decided to chase after it, which wasn't a bright idea. He couldn't catch the tile as it went the edge, but he also couldn't stop himself before going over the edge as well. He was just glad that he had the strength to hold on, because there was no doubt, he would have some serious injuries from the fall. If he landed wrong, he would break his neck, which didn't seem like a bad idea at the time.

His eyes searched for the ladder, but it was too far away to be helpful. He glanced down, wondering if there was a way that he could land without hurting himself. He calculated what he would need to do to not break his neck. Though he didn't care if he died, he had no interest in dying right then. If he was going to kill himself, he would do his way and not by some consequence of a bad idea, because he was the only one, who was allowed to decide what would happen to him. Besides, James T. Kirk wasn't going to be known for falling off his roof to his death. He didn't care if he was known for driving off a cliff, but he refused to be that idiot, who died by falling off his roof. He was not an idiot, though some could argue that.

Jim took a deep breath as he wondered what he was going to do. He knew there was a bush a few inches right of him, and it would break some of his fall, but he would still get hurt somewhat. He didn't have any other choice, considering that was the only 'soft' surface around. His brain, which had started to work again, had made a list of what he could do to minimize his injuries. His clear mind indicated to him that he would need a few more drinks after this, because Jim didn't want a clear mind. His mind haunted him every second of every day, and it was slowly killing him. He needed a release, but that would involve letting _it _be known, which he wasn't up to. He didn't want anyone to know what had happened to him. He didn't want anyone to know how weak he was. Damn it, he wasn't weak.

"Oh, my god!"

The scream had ripped Jim from his thoughts; however, he didn't move. He didn't have the strength to look back to see who it was. He knew it wasn't his mother, which was really good thing, but it was familiar; however, he couldn't place it, which was probably due to the blood leaving his head.

It took a few moments for her to calm down, before she was able to speak again. "Where's the ladder?"

_Really? Do I have to do everything?_ He thought. "Over there," he answered, getting annoyed. He didn't need her help. He didn't need anyone's help, and he would prove it. When she got it around the corner, he shifted his weight and let go. He flexed his body as he tried to angle just right. He closed his eyes as he made impact with the bush. It slashed him in multiple places and his body hit the hard ground beneath the bush. His cuts had started to bleed as he pushed himself out of the bush. He straightened himself up and brushed off the dirt. As he tried to keep his balance, his body was crying out in pain.

The woman, breathing shallowly, had come back with the ladder. She was having a difficult time with the huge ladder. "Did you jump?"

"Yes," he answered as he eyed her. His brain had finally done its job and figured out who she was. She was the doctor from before, but he couldn't, for the life of him, remember what her name was. He had only seen her a few times since his brother's wedding. According to his mother, he had been out for a week, which was most of his hospital stay.

"Mr. Kirk! You could've hurt yourself! You only got out of the hospital yesterday!" She let the ladder fall, which made Jim twitch. She circled around him. "I've to take you back now."

He laughed, startling the doctor. "There's no way in hell that I'm going back! You remember the first time I woke up? I escaped, which will happen again, if you drag me back." He narrowed his eyes, wondering about this woman. Why was she here in the first place?

"I remember," she responded, her eyes watching him like a hawk. "You almost killed yourself." The second Kirk had tried to leave the hospital, he had gotten into a fight with some man and almost had gotten run over by a car. He was lucky that his brother was there to pull him out of the way. "Not even twenty-four hours out, you almost kill yourself falling off the roof."

Jim rubbed his temple. "I didn't fall. I jumped; there's a difference," he snapped, having enough of everyone. He didn't need to be watched, and he definitely didn't need a doctor. He was use to the pain. "Why are you here anyways?"

"Your mother had hired me to check on you," she answered, looking almost ashamed.

"Oh, great. A personal doctor, what every man wants," he snorted, looking over the doctor, whose name still escaped him. His eyes wandered to her jacket, wondering if her name was displayed on a nametag, which it was. She was still wearing her hospital scrubs. "Ms. Rae Martin, may I call you Rae?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "If this is some attempt of seducing me-"

His eyebrow rose. "Honey, if I was seducing you, you would know." It almost came out as a growl. It annoyed him that she would even think that he would seduce her. He was in a committed relationship… No, no, he wasn't, and it stung to think about it. Everything about that situation hurt. "Now, what do you want before I kick you off my property?"

Rae took a step back, wondering what she had said. All of the sudden, Jim had turned cold, and she had no idea why. She thought her statement was playful, but maybe she was wrong. Why would anyone get mad over that anyway? According to his mother, he wasn't seeing anyone and was up for grabs, which was something she reminded Rae about on the daily basis. Jim was a handsome man, and any girl would love to bag him. At times, she did find herself wondering what it would feel like to be in his strong arms, but she quickly erased the thought. She didn't need to think of her patient that way. She didn't need to think about how safe she would feel in the arms of the famous, world-saving ex-Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. "I came to check on you," she said as her thoughts of him changed. She didn't feel so safe around him now. _What happened to you?_ She didn't need him to tell her that something had happened to know that something in fact happened; she could figure it out just by looking at him.

"Well, you saw, and now you can go," he responded, turning his back on her. He didn't limp, but it was visible that he was in pain; however, he had no one to blame but himself.

There were only a few things that could explain the change in mood. "Is there a special someone?"

He turned around all too fast and almost lost his balance. His mood had overshadowed the alcohol that was running through his system. "What?" His tone was very harsh. "Why should it matter to my doctor if I'm seeing someone?"

Ignoring his question, she continued on, "Is it that Vulcan, who visited you in the hospital?" Though there was an age difference between the two, she had seen how the Vulcan was with Jim. He was very protective of over him.

"Selek?" Though Jim had 'kicked' him out, he did miss him, but that could be the fact that he was a Spock. He was a comfort to Jim, even when it didn't seem like it. "No, I'm not dating the Ambassador, and why does that matter?"

"Just wondering." She said, not wanting him to know her real reason.

That answer didn't sit well with Jim. "You can leave now. This conversation's over." There was something in her eyes that told him that there was more, which didn't sit well with him. He needed more alcohol.

There wasn't anything that she could say to stay. He was walking and talking; in addition, this was his property, and she couldn't force him to do anything that he didn't want to do. "I just wanted to make sure everything's good with you. As your doctor, I need to assess you."

"Who said you're my doctor? I know I didn't hire you, and if I did, I would fire you. Now, get off my property," he demanded. He didn't know who the hell she thought she was, but he knew that he didn't have to take this shit. He didn't need a personal doctor, and he certainly didn't need a baby sitter. There was no doubt in his mind that this was what his mother had in mind.

Rae took a deep breath, knowing he was in his right to refuse her. If he didn't want to be treated, he didn't have to. "Fine, I'll go." She exhaled slowly, knowing his mother wasn't going to like this. When that woman was mad, it wasn't pretty. It didn't take long for her to jump into her car and drive away, leaving Jim alone.

* * *

The first week, he stayed around the house fixing it up, while drinking, which was a dumb idea, considering one: he didn't know a thing about home-repair and two: he was drunk; however, he needed something to do. He couldn't sleep all the damn time, which was what he did for week two. Waking up from his dreams of wonder, he hated getting up every morning to the same old thing. He needed something else in his life; Jim Kirk was a social butterfly, and he needed human contact that wasn't his crew, Dr. Martin, Frank, or his mother. Maybe, he should go get a job…Ha. That was funny. What could James T. Kirk do? What could he do that would top being the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise? There was nothing better than that ship, so why did he leave? Oh, yea, that sadist bastard who decided that he was going to use Jim as his personal sex toy. Everything was robbed from him that one night, showing him how alone he really was on a ship of four hundred and thirty people. There was not one person on that ship he could've turned too for help, when he truly needed it, even his best friend, Bones, had turned on him. He didn't know what was worse, not having anyone to turn to or the event itself.

Smash!

He had picked up a bottle of alcohol that he had been drinking and threw it at the wall. Why did his thoughts always return to that night? He didn't want to think about it, and he didn't want to think about his ex-friends, so why couldn't he get them out of his head? He had other things to worry about like figuring out what he was going to do with the rest of his life. What could he do in Iowa besides farming? There wasn't anything that came to mind. He took deep breath as he stared at the new stain on the wall. What had he signed himself up for? Shaking his head, he went into the kitchen to get something to clean up the alcohol.

Once that was cleaned up, he headed to his cheap motorcycle, which he had to buy after destroying the good one about a week ago. Being a dumbass, he thought it would be a good idea to drive after drinking. He was scratched up, but it wasn't anything hospital worthy, even if his pissed ass mother thought it was. His 'personal doctor,' who his mother had tried to hook him up with, checked him out. He wondered why the doctor would associate herself with his mother, but he guessed she was paid well. Everyone had a price, including him, but he wasn't sure how high his price was.

The engine came alive, as he turned the key over. The roaring of the engine was one of the few things that relaxed Jim, the first being alcohol. He was on his way to becoming an alcoholic, if he wasn't already, but he didn't care. It just meant he was doing something right. It was better than trying to kill oneself on a daily basis, right? That was how he looked at it. His helmet remained tied to the back of his bike as he took off down the road. Wind flew through his hair; his faced was battered by dirt and pebbles. It made him feel alive, but what made him truly come alive was seeing his mother's face as she drove pass him, going to his house. It was priceless.

The small town didn't have much, but it was littered with bars, which was what Jim liked. If one bartender kicked you out, you had another bar to go to, which happened to Jim a lot, but it wasn't his fault. People just liked starting fights with him. Could you blame them? He was James T. Kirk, the famous (ex) Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise. Did it bug Jim that he would never be rid of that title? Yes, it did. He wanted to forget everything about Starfleet; however, he would be lying if he said it wasn't useful. It was especially useful for getting free drinks, which was a good thing, considering he did not have a job.

After filling out multiple applications, he had an urge to kill someone. One, he hated forms, and two, people wouldn't stop asking him questions. Yes, he knew questions were a part of the process, but they were asking him about Starfleet. They didn't need to know why he had left, and he was getting sick and tired of people asking. It wouldn't affect his performance on the job. Plus, he couldn't see himself doing any of these jobs for the rest of his life; he saw himself as a captain, but that didn't matter now.

After getting a quick bite, he filled out even more applications to jobs that he didn't want. When he finished, he hopped on his bike, but before he could start it, a man called out to him. Jim narrowed his eyes as the man ran to him. He looked like a pimp as he was dressed in a dark purple suit and heavy chains, which stroke Jim as being weird. No native would dress like that. "May I help you?"

"I'm Jordan Sunn, owner of the Temple Night Bar," the man responded as if it answered all of Jim's questions. He was shorter than Jim was by at least a foot, and he was twice the age of Jim. "I saw you filling out applications."

"Yea, so." Jim straightened up on his bike, wondering where this was going.

"I'm in need of a bartender, and you're prefect for the job. Being easy on the eyes, all the ladies and males will come just to flirt with you. I even bet you'll get some of the picky customers," Sunn grinned.

Jim did his best to keep back his snort. Though it wasn't his first choice, it was a pretty good choice. He had no interest in being the center of attention for everyone's sexual desires, which wouldn't help what he was feeling now, but the tips would be good. Going against his very core, Jim decided against his gut. "I'll take it."

Sunn clapped his hands together. "Excellent. Also, you'll make great security. I'd heard about your Starfleet days."

He had to bite down on his lips to stop himself from moaning. Was there a place in this universe where no one had heard of him? He just wanted to escape. "Yea, no one will want to mess with me." He flexed his muscles.

"That's what I'm hoping for!" The man smiled. "When can you start?" Jim was everything that his man was looking for. His smile was the best part.

"Anytime."

"Tomorrow?"

"That works." Sunn said his good byes before returning to his bar. Jim watched the man leave while a knot formed in his stomach. Something told him that this was a very bad idea, but he ignored it. He was going to show himself that he would handle this, even if it was a mistake.

* * *

Jim had enough of this job, and the next person, who touched his ass, was going to be punched in his or her face. This was only his fourth day on the job, and he wanted to kill someone. Every time he left the safety of the bar, there was someone glued to his ass. At times, he had been poked in the ass by a few men, which freaked him out, as it reminded him of_ it_. However, it wasn't just man. As he wiped off one of the table, a woman draped over him. Her hands slid down his chest while she whispered into his ear, "I haven't seen you here before." Her voice screamed sex.

Breaking out from her grip, he took a few steps away from her. "I started a few days ago," he said, eyeing her. She wasn't human, but she still had the same basic shape. If she was human, she would've been sick, considering she was half the size of a human girl. Her body was long, just like her fingers that ached to touch him.

Reaching out to him, she grabbed onto Jim. With her super strength, he wasn't able to fight her. "Sunn made a wise choice this time," she said, taking a drink of her alien wine.

He gripped her arm, applying pressure in the hopes of moving her. "Indeed," he sneered. He was okay with flirting with people, but he wasn't okay with people touching him. By touching him, they were taking away the little control he had. "Can you let go? I have costumers," he said, eyeing the bar as it was starting to fill up with people. He wasn't the only one working at the time, but he had no idea where his co-worker was. She was probably making out with some man in the corner, which was how they first met.

Placing a kiss on his cheek, the alien let him go much to his relief. "Sure, but I'm not going anywhere." She licked her lips.

He shuddered. He had enough of the customers trying to stalk him, having caught a few, who had tried to follow him home. Thanks to his Starfleet training, he was able to get rid of them, but he couldn't really blame them. He knew when he was drunk, he did crazy things like driving. He took off before she had a chance to change her mind.

After filling everyone's orders, he left the safety of the bar again to search for his co-worker. The strange female humanoid seemed to have disappeared; however, it didn't take long for him to find her. She had her tongue down a girl's throat. It was nauseating. He couldn't stand watching people making out with each other, but it was hard to look away. Shaking his head, he forced himself to turn away as he had to look for his co-worker. Pushing through the crowd, he had finally found her, but she wasn't making out with anyone as he expected. Instead, she was fighting with some man.

"What's going on here?" he asked as he arrived. His co-worker was crying.

"This doesn't concern you, bartender," the man growled, pushing Jim away, and returning his attention to the girl, who looked like she was going to faint.

Kirk let himself drifted backward as he took in the situation. The man was at least double his size, and there was no doubt that he could kill Jim just by sitting on him; however, he could've said the same thing about Cupcake. He didn't back down in that situation and he wasn't going to back down now. "I need you to leave."

The man turned away from the girl and faced Jim. "What did you say?" he asked, towering over Jim by two feet.

"What? Can't hear, Moron? I said, 'I need you to leave.'" When it came to fighting, it didn't matter what kind of weapons you had, if you didn't have a mind to use them. This man screamed no brain.

Laughing, the moron poked Jim in his shoulder as if to show him how strong he was. "Leave now, before I change my mind," he ordered, turning back to the girl.

Pulling the man back with one arm, Jim swung the other arm, nailing him on the right cheek. Jim was never one to listen when someone told him to walk away, and he definitely wasn't the one to turn away from a scuffle. It didn't matter if there was five against one, he would still fight. He wasn't a coward, even if everyone thought he was.

The moron swaggered backward, not expecting Jim to punch him. "I'm going to kill you," he threatened, wiping the blood from his mouth.

The bar had gotten rather quiet at the sight of the bartender fighting with a customer if they could call him that, considering he hadn't brought anything. The drunken half of the bar was very interested in watching the fight, while the other half wanted to stay as far as way from the fight as humanly possible, which they did by leaving; however, no one in the bar mattered at that given point to Jim.

"Oh, I doubt an idiot like you is smart enough to know how to kill someone," Kirk teased, causing the man to throw a pouch at him. Jim was too fast for the moron and dodged, but the moron didn't give up. The punches kept coming, but none of them landed. Jim ducked and nailed the man, whose name was still a mystery, in the stomach, causing him to buckle. Jim took the opportunity to swing his leg forward directly into the moron's face, forcing him to his knees; however, he wasn't the only one. Apparently, the moron had a friend, who had come up behind Jim and nailed him in the back. He didn't have time to defend himself as the friend kicked him in the side. Doubling over in pain, blood dipped from Jim's mouth. He found himself being picked off the ground by the moron, who had the time to recover; however, Jim wasn't going to let himself be defeated by these two idiots. He swung his leg forward, kicking the moron in his side, causing the dimwitted giant to drop him, but before Jim could catch his breath, the friend punched him, sending him into the nearest table and breaking it.

His fingers had searched the ground looking for some kind of weapon, which came in the form of a beer bottle. When the friend grabbed him by the throat, Jim smashed the bottle right in his face, causing the friend to drop him and reach for his face, oozing in blood. The moron rushed Jim, tackling him to the bar, and started to punch him in the face. The punches didn't stop, and Jim wondered if he was going to be scarred. He could feel his face lose its appearance. All of the sudden, Jim could breathe as the moron was flung off him. He didn't know what was going on, considering his vision was fuzzy. He could only make out shapes and colors and couldn't make out who had stepped in to help him, but he wasn't going to look a gift horse in the mouth.

When he picked himself off the bar, he started to see black spots, but he was able to make out what was happening. His co-worker was still hiding in the corner. Most, if not all, of the customers had left, considering they weren't being served anymore. Two men in familiar-looking red uniforms were kicking out the moron and the friend. Jim slid off the bar and took in the whole place, which looked like a bomb had gone off. The floor was littered with wood fragments from the tables and chairs. Broken glass was plastered to the ground, and the walls and floor were painted with various kinds of drinks. The collective blood of Jim, the moron, and friend was spattered across the bar. In all, Sunn wouldn't be too happy when he came in the next day.

In addition, Kirk didn't look pretty as his face was covered in welts and bumps. He was slowly gaining a black eye, which had started to hurt. His black uniform was all slashed up, and glass was buried in his skin. Standing on his legs felt like he was standing on jelly. "Thanks for the help," he mumbled to his saviors. The two men, after kicking the two troublemakers out, spun to face Jim. It was then that he realized who they were. _How could I have missed it?_ It annoyed him that he was saved by two babies (he refused to call them men), who hadn't even graduated from the Academy yet. It was a wound to his ego.

"That's what Starfleet does," one of the man commented. He had grin on his face that screamed arrogance.

Jim knew that smile personally, having used it many times, but it hadn't been his friend lately. "I guess," he responded, wiping the blood off his face.

"You guess?" the other one asked. "Don't you know that Starfleet is a peacekeeping and humanitarian armada?"

Jim felt his stomach turn. Pike had used the same line on him, trying to get him to enlist. What did Starfleet do? Engrave it into their cadets' minds? It was clear that they were both going to be red shirts as part of the security department. "As the right of each sentient species to live in accordance with its normal cultural evolution is considered sacred, no Starfleet personnel may interfere with the healthy development of alien life and culture. Such interference includes the introduction of superior knowledge, strength or technology to a world whose society is incapable of handling such advantages wisely. Starfleet personnel may not violate this Prime Directive, even to save their lives and/or their ship, unless they are acting to right an earlier violation or an accidental contamination of said culture," Jim spouted. He wasn't going to be shown up by these babies.

The second one eyed the bartender with curiosity. "That was word for word."

Spitting out blood, Kirk folded his arms across his chest. He had always been knowledgeable about Starfleet from a young age, which was probably due to the fact it pissed off his mother.

The first one studied Jim closely, trying to figure out who he was. "Without Starfleet, you wouldn't be here right now. This planet would be gone," he said, annoyed that the bartender was belittling this fine organization.

Leaning against the bar, Jim's eyes wandered to Jess, his female co-worker, who was cleaning up the glass. The four of them were the only ones in the bar at that moment. "Don't you mean if it wasn't for James T. Kirk and crew of the Enterprise?" He didn't wish for them to know who he was, because he being a bartender could get back to certain people, but he wasn't going to let Starfleet get all the credit.

"You can say that."

"I do say that." Jim exhaled slowly, getting annoyed. He just wanted to drink then go to bed. Shifting his weight, he knew he was going to be in pain the next day.

The second one was about to open his mouth as Jess, who had given up cleaning, came running to Jim. "Jim, I don't know what we're going to do. This place's a mess. Sunn's going to kill us."

Jim snorted, hoping Sunn would try. That man couldn't lay a hand on Jim, but she had a point. They were probably going to be fired, but he would rather enjoy that. He couldn't deal with this job anymore, but he didn't mind the fighting. It gave him some excitement in his dreary, dull, mind-numbing life; however, he didn't sign up for the consistent molestation. "I would like to see him try."

"Jim?" the second one muttered.

"Yea, it's my name," Jim narrowed his eyes. He didn't like these people whose names were still a mystery.

"Short for James?"

His eyebrow rose. "Yes," Jim answered, hoping this wasn't going where he thought this was going.

The first one picked his head up, eyeing the bartender closely. "Why didn't I see it before? I have seen your face so many times. You're the talk of the academy." He hesitated as if trying to add a dramatic pause. "I never thought I would meet James T. Kirk, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise in a low life bar like this."

Jim wanted to knock him out, hearing the patronizing tone in his voice. "Ex-Captain. Didn't you hear, I retired," he sneered. His fists were itching to pound him.

"What? At 26?" the first one laughed.

_Am I some practical joke now? If only I was still a Captain._ Jim straightened himself up, ready to throw these two losers out on their asses. If it was possible, he felt more of idiot for letting these two save him. "After saving the earth, there wasn't much left to do in Starfleet."

"I heard you couldn't handle the pressure, which is fine. Some people can't handle it." It seemed the first one was asking to be hit. "It's a good thing you got out now."

In an instance, Jim had him by the throat struggling for air against the bar. "I can handle it just fine. I'm not weak," he sneered. It would be so easy to snap his neck right here. He didn't have the strength to keep fighting. He didn't care what happened anymore.

The second one attempted to free his friend, but Jim shoved him away. Trying to get free from Jim's grasp, the first one clawed at Jim's hand, but it was no use. Breathing had become difficult, and everything had started to go dark. "Just look at you now."

Blinking, Jim let go of the cadet and stared at his hands. He would have ended the boy's life with a flick of his wrist, but Jim wasn't a killer. No matter how angry he was, he wasn't going to resort to killing to show his point. "You two leave now, and don't come back, whatever your names are."

The second turned to the first one, making sure he was okay. "Cadet Ryan and Cadet Smith," he said as if it mattered. Jim wasn't asking for their names, but Ryan felt that Jim still was owed some kind of respect.

"I don't care. Just go!" Jim ordered. The two cadets didn't waste any more time and hurried out of the bar and away from Jim, who in Smith's mind needed professional help. He didn't even wait five seconds after the cadets left to toss the keys to Jess to close up. "I'm leaving."

"But Sunn doesn't like it, when I lock up."

Jim looked back to Jess, who looked bewildered. "Trust me, you don't want me here like this." He needed to calm himself down before he did something stupid.

"Okay," she said.

He glanced at her, feeling guilty leaving her, but he wasn't feeling guilty enough to stay. In addition, he didn't feel like playing the good guy, which was what he'd done for the last year. He didn't want to worry about anyone or anything anymore. He wanted to be free. "See you tomorrow, well if we still have a job," he said before leaving the poor girl alone in a broken bar.

* * *

It was too early in the morning to deal with Sunn, and he was completely out of alcohol, which only made the call worse. In addition, Jim's head was pounding, which was due to the alcohol he had consumed when he came home. On the plus side, if Jim could call it that, Sunn didn't fire him, considering the profit had been so good the last four nights that repairing the bar didn't set him back too far.

_Damn it. _If there was a God, he was cruel, because he didn't have any painkillers, well that was if he didn't count the ones that had expired ten years ago. They were tempting, but he could hear McCoy's voice in the back of his head, telling him not to even think about it. He groaned. Even when the doctor wasn't around, he was. If he ever saw Bones again, he would slug him.

Letting gravity overtake him, he landed on the ratty sofa. His eyelids felt like they weighed a ton as they threatened to close, but he welcomed the sleep. His body needed time to recover, and he had the time, thanks to having a night job; however, he wasn't able to rest his eyes for a second, as a knock came at the door. _Maybe, if I ignore it, it will go to away,_ he thought, situating a pillow over his face, but it did not block out the excessive knocking. _Get the picture! I'm not answering. _

The person knocking didn't get the message and kept knocking, making his headache worse. "Jim, open the door! I know you're in there!" His mother's voice sounded like Satan himself. He groaned, wondering how Frank dealt with her. "James Tiberius Kirk, you open this door right now!" She started to pound on the door.

"Oh, shit, she pulled out the full name. I'm in trouble!" he mocked, getting up. It was useless to ignore her, because she wouldn't stop, knowing he was there. Groaning loudly, he pushed his battered form off the shabby sofa and staggered to the door. Against his better judgment, he opened the door, revealing both his mother and, to his displeasure, Dr. Martin. "What do I own this pleasure?" he grunted.

"Jimmy, what happened to your face?" Winona asked, reaching for his face.

Jim smacked her hand way and returned to his spot on the sofa. "Bar fight," he muttered, resting back on the sofa, and placing his arm over his eyes. "What do you want?" he hissed as he felt the doctor's presence next to him.

"Let me see," she ordered.

"Go away."

"It hurts, doesn't it?" She asked, not expecting an answer. His right side of his face was swollen, and his left side was bruised and scratched up. He was also sporting a black right eye. It was wonder that he could see at all out of it. Lowering his arm, he eyeballed the smarty-pants doctor. "I can give you something if you let me look at you."

"Fine, Doc. Just don-" Before he could finished, she hypoed him twice. "HEY!" He would rather have dealt with the pain than be poked in the neck with a hypo. This was why he hated doctors, but he had to give them credit, considering he would be dead without them. Besides, his face had started to deflate, and the pain had disappeared. "Thanks," he muttered softly, hoping she wouldn't hear, but he had no such luck.

"No problem," she beamed, collecting herself off the ground.

Jim watched her walk to his mother's side and talk to her in a whisper. _What's going on?_ He was only able to make out a few words here and there: off Planet, the Federation, his name, the doctor's name, and an event. What did it all mean? He knew it wasn't good with the word Federation floating around, and when he placed the word event next to it, it was worse. Narrowing his eyes, he didn't like it either that his name was said in the same breath as the word, Federation. "You know I dislike not being a part of conversations that concerns me in my own house. Now, spill," he ordered.

Rae looked at Winona as if she had all the answers, which didn't sit well with Jim. He detested the idea of his mother holding all of the cards. "I've been invited to an event that the Federation's throwing," she answered.

_Lies._ He didn't know how she was lying, but he knew she was. In his training to become a Starfleet officer, he was taught to pick up lies, and he was quite competent at it as he was an expert. _Now, why is she lying?_ Before he could bust her, he had to find out what she was up to. "What does that have to do with me? I heard my name."

"Well, I was going to go with Frank,-" Jim couldn't help but snort there. Frank at a Federation event? What!? Were they hoping for conflict, because Frank was only good for conflict? Winona glared at him, before she finished her sentence, "but he can't come. Something came up, and he can't leave, so I was hoping you would accompany me."

Jim was hysterical, laughing so hard. Him at a Federation event? He hated going to those things even when he was a Starfleet Officer, so it was more difficult to believe than Frank being at one. He would rather be hypoed twenty more times than attend one of those things; plus, if the Federation was throwing this 'party,' it must be fairly important. Most likely, there would be some very important officials there, and there was no doubt that Starfleet would be there, considering it was a part of the Federation. If the above were true, the Enterprise would be there, based on the fact that it had saved the Earth, which was where headquarters was located. There was a high chance that he would run into his crew, and in particular, Spock. He had no interest in seeing any of those judging eyes again. Besides, if he saw Spock, he was sure he would slug him. He had so much unexploited resentment toward him and Bones. Could you blame him?

After he had stopped laughing, he responded, "Hell, no."

Winona pushed Dr. Martin aside and marched her way toward her self-indulgent, unmanageable son. "When I said hoping, I meant you are." She got right into Jim's face to show him how serious she was.

"Listen, Mother," he said, glaring directly into her eyes, "There's no way in hell that I'm going to any event that's funded or sponsored by the Federation." He was also very serious.

"You don't have a choice, because Dr. Martin's coming with us, and if she has to hypo you a hundred times to get your ass there, she will." Winona was a very obstreperous person, when she wanted something.

"Hey, don't bring me into this," Rae protested as she backed up. She didn't want to be anywhere around these two, when they blew. Both Kirks glanced back at her before returning to each other.

"Besides, why don't you want to come? What happened, Jimmy?" she asked. Being a mother no matter how indecent she was, she knew something was up, but she didn't know what.

"Nothing happened! I just don't want to go," he asserted. He hated it when anyone called him Jimmy, but he really hated it when she called him Jimmy. She would always make him feel like an ill-advised child.

Winona took a few steps back. "Jimmy, I think it would be good for you." She looked back to Dr. Martin for help, but she gave none. "Besides, you don't want to stay in Iowa and do nothing."

Jim stood up and walked past his mother to the window. She was right, but he didn't want her to know that. "I'm not doing nothing. I have a job, and I'm fixing up the house. That's not nothing."

Exhaling, his mother spoke slowly, "Bartending isn't a job; it's a joke, and this isn't a house. It needs to be knocked down."

Lately, he had been easy to anger, which was showing true now. How dare she insult what he was doing? Sure, his job wasn't accomplishing any on the level of being a Starfleet Captain, but he was doing something. He was standing on his two feet, which was rather amazing, considering he left his dream. "I didn't ask for your opinion." His body was stiff as anger surged through him.

They always had an unconventional relationship, but this was a bit too much. Silence had filled the air, and no one wanted to pierce it. Winona didn't want to believe there was a problem between them, and she was perfectly fine with pretending that it was fine. "I'm picking you up in two weeks for the spaceport. You have no say," she said, heading to the door. She grab on to Rae. "Two weeks, James." She disappeared out the door without another word.

Jim picked up the nearest object and hurled it at the wall, shattering it, but he didn't care. He wasn't going to do what his mother wanted. He would show her that she didn't have any control over him. He shook his head, which felt a whole lot better, and went upstairs to get ready for work. He was going to have a long day ahead of him. Though it was unwise of him since he was still recovering from the previous night's fight, he was kind of hoping for another fight, because he just wanted to forget. He wanted to forget everything. If only he could ease his memories and start anew. That was an idea. If only he could. Maybe, he could ask Selek about it.

* * *

Well I hoped you like it.

Updated:6/17/2013


	5. Logic of Life

I do now own Star Trek...Do not sue me.

This Chapter have been done for a few weeks, but I was waiting for my beta to get better, but she had yet to contact me, so this is beta-ed by bookworm-4-ever2012, who had offered to help me. I would like to thank her!

So I hope you like this chapter!

Reviews are nice

* * *

Chapter 5:

Logic of Life

* * *

When there were four hundred and thirty Officers, not people, on board, it was impossible to know everyone. Being the ship's doctor, he had met a great number of them, but he didn't remember their names. He hated to think like it, but they were numbers on any ship like the Enterprise. When one of those numbers was killed, they were replaced. There was no moaning about the loss and there was no hesitation. What had to be done must be done. As a doctor, McCoy hated this. As a doctor, he was supposed to help and cure them, so that they wouldn't die. However, his job seemed like the opposite lately. It was like he was sending people to their deaths, but then again, he shouldn't be feeling this way, considering that he, too, was a number. If he were to die, they would replace him in a heartbeat. It was all about the numbers. McCoy took a deep breath, looking over four security officers who had perished on the planet they were orbiting now. They did their jobs, making sure that Captain Pitts and Commander Spock came back alive, but they lost their lives in the process.

Checking the ship's computer, McCoy let out a sigh of relief as the Enterprise left the planet's orbit. It was quickly dismissed, however, when Spock—his own green blood speckled on his face- carried in another body. "The mission has been completed, but the Enterprise has encountered another loss." Spock lowered a blue shirt onto the bed and turned to leave.

"Where do you think you're going?" McCoy asked, stepping in front of him.

"I am needed on the bridge."

McCoy exhaled. "No, you aren't. I've to check you out." He turned his back on the Vulcan, searching for a specific hypo for Spock.

"I am fine, Doctor. I ensure you that I am capable enough to return to duty," Spock stated, folding his arms back. He was a Vulcan after all. His body worked at a different standard than humans.

"Humor me," Bones said, feeling annoyed. Spock was always like this, and at times, he was worse than Jim was when confronted about their medical needs. That was saying a lot.

"Humor you, Doctor? I did not realize that this was a joking matter."

McCoy felt his eye twitch. Though Spock claimed that Vulcans didn't banter, he sure did. "Spock, as the Chief Medical Officer, I can make you. Now, sit down." He rather enjoyed that power some times, as he loved the non-existent expression on Spock's face. If only he could use it on Captain Pitts. He would love to see his face.

"As you wish doctor," Spock replied, sitting down.

It didn't take long for McCoy's medical scanner to appear. "Have anything you want to speak about?" His eyes drifted to his scanner, but there wasn't anything majorly wrong with Spock, besides a wound, which McCoy could fix.

Shifting as McCoy pulled away, Spock answered, "No." His tone hadn't changed, and it was on the edge of being snappy. His trouble meditating had affected his mood, but there wasn't anything that the doctor could do to help that.

Exhaling slowly, McCoy stepped to the computer and imported the information. "I'm prescribing medical rest. Do with it what you like, but you're off duty for the day. I'll inform Captain Pitts."

"That will not be necessary. I am fine, Dr. McCoy."

The Doctor snorted. He had started to see how Spock and Jim got along so well, but it still annoyed him that Jim had messed it up. _Jim… Don't think about him._ He shook his head as if it would ease what he was thinking. "And I thought Vulcans didn't lie." He hoped that the missing information would prove him wrong about Jim.

"We do not lie." Spock stood up, wiping the blood off his forehead. Being a Vulcan, he was stubborn and wouldn't admit that there was a problem. "I am fine."

Leonard wished that there were some way that he would get his patients to stop arguing. At times, he wondered if he was a babysitter instead of a doctor. "I'm the doctor here, and only I can say if someone's fine!" He eyed the green blood on Spock's hand, wondering what the hell had happened down there. What could've killed five men and injured Spock?

"Quite true, Doctor. I shall head to my quarters."

McCoy almost laughed. He had gotten Spock to do something; he won, finally. He liked the feeling. "Oh, Spock before you go," he said, stepping towards the Vulcan. Before Spock could answer, he stabbed him with a hypo.

If he was Jim, he would have flipped out and yelled at him, but Spock just eyed the doctor and raised his eyebrow. "What was the reason for that?"

He shrugged as if that was an answer, but Spock's stare told him he wanted more. "Precaution," he said, throwing the hypo away. "Pardon the expression, but you're only human."

"There is no need for insults." Spock rested his arms behind his back. "If there is nothing else, I will be leaving."

McCoy shook his head, wondering about that pointy-eared hobgoblin. Only he, a half human, would consider it an insult to be called human. What was so wrong with being human? "You can leave." He waved him off. "Just remember to rest, Spock." If he didn't know any better, he would have said that Spock muttered something back. Shaking his head, he went back to the five dead bodies in his sick bay.

"We're all numbers, aren't we?" he asked himself when he was alone. It made him feel unimportant in this universe, where it was all about the numbers. He didn't want it all to be about the numbers; sometimes numbers weren't all that important. It was about the person like Jim. Pitts may have replaced Jim as the Captain, but not all numbers were the same. Pitts couldn't replace Jim no matter how hard he tried, and it was clear he knew it.

* * *

He wished he knew where they were heading, but he wasn't provided with that kind of information. He was just the doctor, after all, and didn't need to know where they were going to do his job. It was getting rather annoying rather fast. He was sure if he were to ask, someone would tell him, but that wasn't the point. The point was that he should be given the information. He wasn't given anything that wasn't medical, and it annoyed the hell out of him. With Jim, information was freely given, but with Pitts, he had to jump through blazing hoops while saturated in lighter fluid. It was better to be left in the dark than to ask his Captain. Oh, how he missed Jim.

The trail was cold so the only thing he could do was wait for Spock to see whatever Selek wanted him to see, but for weeks now, McCoy had waited. However, Spock had come up empty, and without that, they couldn't do anything. They couldn't understand why Jim left. Without that knowledge, they would have to face a life without Jim, which surprisingly they both didn't want. They knew Jim was the best thing for this ship, even if Jim did what he did; however, they would never know. But would anything change if all had not been what it seemed? Jim had already resigned. Could he come back from that? Could he return to the Enterprise? How could he? They already had a captain. Sure, Jim was the golden boy of the Federation, but that didn't mean he could kick someone out of the Captain seat.

Sure, the food wasn't as good as homemade food, but it was usually a lot better than this. He knew one's mood affected one's desires for food; but he wasn't expecting this. It was downright disgusting. What was wrong with him? He shook his head. He should know what was wrong, considering he was the CMO; nevertheless, he blamed Jim because it was always Jim's fault. He wasn't one to start a fight, but he wished he could slug that thoughtless bastard. Did he ever think of anyone else? If he did, he wouldn't have left; well, he wouldn't have cheated either. Besides, even if they knew what that old bastard hobgoblin knew, it didn't mean that he hadn't cheated. What did it mean, though?

"Dr. McCoy, is there something wrong?" Sulu asked, taking a seat across from him. "You haven't touched your plate. Is it poisoned?" He joked, taking a bite as he waited for him to answer.

Poking the food, he exhaled. "If only." His response only made Sulu stare at him. "What I mean is at least I would know why I can't eat." McCoy had decided that he wasn't going to bring Sulu into the Jim situation. He didn't need to worry about Jim when McCoy knew firsthand how it felt.

"Oh, that's a relief." It was the Doctor's turn to stare. "What I mean," Sulu laughed, "is that I would be dead if it was poisoned, considering I took a bite." He took another bite of the food, which he found to be decent. McCoy laughed. "So what's wrong?"

"Just thinking about something. It's unimportant," McCoy said, catching sight of Sulu's face. "So I would assume you know where we're going." Well, he would hope that Sulu knew where they were going. He was the pilot.

Taking another bite, the helmsman laughed. "You assume right." He wiped off the food off his face. "We're heading to New Vulcan."

"Weren't we there about a month ago? Why are we going back?"

"Acting like a transporter service. We're picking up some delegates, mainly Ambassador Selek and Ambassador Sarek, but there'll be a few others," he informed him.

"For what?" McCoy asked, feeling insignificant. Why wasn't he being made aware of this?

"Where have you been for the last week? Under a rock? Pitts has been going off about it. Rather annoying, if you ask me." He took another bite.

McCoy had been avoiding the Captain, only seeing him when he had to. Besides, he wasn't allowed on the damn bridge to hear Pitts, which was fine by him, considering Pitts was a son of a bitch. "Did you forget I'm not allowed on the bridge?" It came out worse than what McCoy intended. No, he wasn't bitter.

There were times when Sulu was afraid of McCoy, and when McCoy was like this, he was afraid. Very afraid. He never wanted to get on McCoy's bad side, and if he did, he would hypo himself into a coma to escape his wrath.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to snap."

"It's fine," Sulu muttered. "It's for that fancy party the Federation's throwing. Anyone who's anyone will be there. I'm surprised you haven't heard about it. The Enterprise has to go, which mainly means Spock, Uhura, Chekov, Scotty, you, me and, of course, Captain Pitts."

McCoy felt his eye twitch, hating these kinds of events. He loathed the whole idea of being paraded around for the Federation. "And I didn't know, why?" he asked, knowing Sulu wouldn't have an answer. "And why us?"

"And why not? We're the reason that Earth's still there." Sulu liked the spotlight, but he would have to agree with McCoy. He hated being paraded around.

"That wouldn't explain Captain Pitts." What was with McCoy and sounding snappy? He wasn't bitter, damn it.

Sulu took another bite. "He's the Captain of the famous Enterprise, even though he isn't the famous Captain Kirk."

No, McCoy wasn't bitter, and he would hypo the person who dared call him bitter. "And of course, he would shower in the Enterprise's glory."

The look in the Doctor's face said it all. Sulu understood why McCoy was bitter, feeling the same way, but he needed to move on or else he would suffer for the rest of his life. "You act like they're treating him as their new golden boy," Sulu commented. "They aren't."

"How do you know?"_ Besides the fact, that Pitts is far from being a boy. That old goat._

"They wouldn't have invited Jim if that was the case. There's serious doubt that he'll show, considering there's some unknown blood between them." McCoy's eyebrow rose. "Jim's holding a grudge against them for something. I don't know what." He paused to take a bite. "But the Federation has kept it quiet for the most part that Jim had resigned. They didn't want people to know that they had lost their golden boy."

"How do you know all this?" Sulu caught his interest, well he already had, but that was beside the point.

"I know a few people."

"Why are they trying to keep it quiet?" _Why would Jim have a grudge against the Federation? What did they do?_

Sulu snorted. "Why wouldn't they? Losing Jim was a blow. They needed him. Correction, they need him. Losing him will hurt them. Can you imagine what everyone will think when it comes out? Jim had boosted their image, which had driven a lot of support. They need that support. And he was a mighty good captain."

"They must know it will come out. Jim isn't one to lay low," McCoy commented, pushing away his food. There was no way he could eat now. Sulu had given him a lot to think about.

"Maybe. They probably presume no one will find out and pretend for the universe's sake that James T. Kirk's still the Captain."

"But wouldn't they need a Captain who would lay back and let Jim take the credit for his work?" McCoy asked, knowing there was no way that Pitts would let anyone take credit for his work. "And it's a lot to presume that Jim would go along with this as well." Jim was not noble, cheating a few times at the academy, but he wasn't dishonest. He would not take credit for something he didn't do.

"It's just speculation. Besides, they might believe that Jim's going to come running back to Starfleet in a few months with his tail between his legs, and they would tell everyone, if anyone asks, that he was on a well-deserved shore leave." Sulu took a few more bite, before finishing his meal. "You never know. Doesn't Pitts seem a bit old to be a Captain of a starship? He looks minutes away from death."

McCoy had to give it to Sulu. "Never thought of it like that." _If this is the case, then Jim's resignation was his own choice…but the Jim I know wouldn't do that. What does this all mean?_He shook his head. The trail was still cold, and he could only pray that Jim would show up, which made his heart skip thinking about it. What if he did show up? _Stop it, McCoy. Don't get your hopes up._

"Anyways, McCoy, I've got to get to bridge," Sulu said, getting up.

"Yeah, yeah, go." McCoy had a lot to think about. Should he tell Spock about this? Sure, Spock had agreed with him up to now, but that could change. He was on the edge of going crazy. If he wasn't careful, he might have to list himself as medically unstable. McCoy was so deep in thought that he didn't notice Sulu staring at him as he left.

* * *

Maybe, he had gone crazy, as he stood outside of Spock's quarters waiting for him to return from duty. It had been a few days since his conversation with Sulu, and he hadn't gotten it out of his mind. He needed to know what Spock thought. Shaking his head, he told himself to calm down. Maybe, Sulu was right. Maybe, he should let it go. It had been over a month since Jim had resigned, and during that time, he had plagued McCoy's thoughts. He needed to let him go, but he couldn't. Jim was his friend, and it did not matter what he did, because he still cared for him. He was angry with himself for how he treated Jim, and there would always be a part of him that blamed himself for Jim's resignation. He knew that no one could make Jim do anything, but if he was there for Jim, when he needed him, Jim could still be here. He was Jim's first real friend, and there was no doubt that it was painful to have a friend turn on him.

And why did he care that Jim cheated? It wasn't as if they were dating. It wasn't as if it affected him, and it wasn't as if he liked Spock, because he would never like that heartless pointy-eared bastard. So why was he so cold to Jim? Leaning against the wall, the question filled his mind. It was the only thing that he could think about. Why was he so cold? He didn't have an answer. Shaking his head, he felt ashamed. How could he turn on his best friend? That was worse than what Jim had done.

"Dr. McCoy, what is the reason behind this intrusion?" Spock stared at the doctor, who had blocked his way into his quarters. The doctor did in fact look like he was going crazy, which was the result of not sleeping.

Breaking away from his thoughts, McCoy glared at Spock. "Intrusion?" Insulted didn't describe what he was feeling. He thought that they had come to an understanding. He knew that he and Spock were two different people, but he thought that they had teamed together to figure out what had happened to Jim. "Intrusion?"

"Yes, Doctor, that is what this infringement of privacy is called." He folded his arms across his chest. Though he could push past McCoy, he didn't feel like starting a fight with him, which would have happened if he did.

"Why I oughta!"

"I did not mean insult. It was merely the truth," Spock commented, raising his eyebrow.

"Only you could insult someone and not believe you had insulted someone," he snapped, throwing his arms up in the air. "It may be the truth, but don't you know some people find the truth to be insulting?"

McCoy was one of most combustible people that Spock knew, and that was saying a lot. He often wondered how Kirk and McCoy got along so well. They were both very stubborn and refused to admit when they were wrong. It was rare for similar people to get along. "That would be Illogical, Doctor."

"This universe may run on logic, but people do not. Humans, for one example, are very illogical, but you should know this, considering you dated one, no, two." McCoy moved away from the door, signaling for Spock to take this conversation inside. "I would expect you to be used to the illogical side of people."

"I recognize that humans are illogical, but I do not part take in it," Spock said, walking into his quarters.

"Don't forget you're half- human." This time, McCoy meant it as an insult.

Narrowing his eyes, Spock spoke, "If you are just going to insult me, you can leave."

"What, Spock? It's the truth, and it's illogical to be insulted by the truth," he mocked. "I thought you couldn't be illogical." McCoy had nearly forgotten why he was here in the first place.

If Spock was anyone else, he would've snapped at McCoy, but Vulcans didn't snap. That would involve an illogical emotional response. "You never answered my question. What is the purpose of your visit?" he asked, rerouting the conversation. He didn't want to talk logic with a person who had no concept of it.

Breaking away from his thought process, it didn't take long for McCoy to tell Spock about his and Sulu's conversation. "What do you think?"

"It does not change much, if anything at all," Spock explained. They knew Jim left for a reason, which was unknown to them, and that conversation didn't place any light on the situation. Jim had still left.

"What do you mean? It changes things. Jim can come back! The thing Selek wants you to know must be what had happened to Jim to make him hate Starfleet."

McCoy's argument had meat to it, but they were still too far from the truth. "What is your point? We do not know what that may be, if there is anything at all. Kirk could be irritated at Starfleet for anything." When it came to Jim, anything was possible. Jim was known for making trouble.

"Spock, listen to me."

"I am, Doctor, but you need to listen to me. We cannot do anything without facts, and granted your conversation with Sulu was informative, we are not any closer to the information."

McCoy had to give it to Spock for being logical, but he was so sick of logic. He knew that his gut was right, and he would show everyone that he was right. "Fine," he muttered, turning to the door. "But we would be closer in knowing the answer that Selek wants you to find." McCoy didn't wait for a response as he left the room. He had too much on his mind to say, and he knew that they would end up in a fight if he stayed.

By leaving, McCoy missed what Spock had said. "You are accurate in that respect. If I was only wise enough to receive Selek's message, I would be closer to understanding what was wrong with Jim." He blamed himself for his failure. Somewhere in his mind, he knew that he had failed Jim because there was no doubt that something was wrong with him. There was no way Jim, cheater or not, would leave everything he ever cared about behind. Jim loved the Enterprise more than anything, and sometimes he wondered if he loved it more than him, not that it mattered.

* * *

"I presume you have been to one of these events before," Captain Pitts said, looking over systems checks. It wasn't as if he hadn't been to a gala/receptions like these, but he had to make sure that his selected senior officers knew how to handle themselves. Very important officials would be attending. He needed them at their best.

Spock rested his arms against his chest. "I assure you that everyone understands what is expected of them." It wasn't their first Federation affair, and it wouldn't be their last, especially when they were from the famous U.S.S. Enterprise. His mind, which was hard to focus lately, had drifted to Jim, who hated these things. Even if McCoy hoped that Jim would show up, Spock knew he would not, considering Jim would much rather be sprinting away from Romulans with lasers than attend any social occasion. He would never understand why anyone would favor being injured than attend one of these events. It was highly illogical.

"Good. The Federation doesn't need any problems, being so close to accruing another member. With this new ally, new resources will emerge," Pitts said, but he did not explain what those resources were. "The Federation's pulling out all the stops, and that includes the best of Starfleet." He pushed the P.A.D.D. away and leaned back in his chair.

"I recognize the importance," Spock said. They wanted to show the universe what they had.

"Did you know Mister Kirk was invited?"

"I have been made aware of it." Spock wondered where Pitts was going with this. What was the point in bringing up Jim, a man who he had no connection with anymore?

"Kirk's presence could mean a great deal. He might shift the balance in our favor." He straightened in his chair and started to type away at the computer.

"Possibly," Spock said, taking the P.A.D.D. from the table. He took one glance over it. "However, it would be illogical to discuss something that will not happen, and it would be a waste of one's time. As a Vulcan, I do not partake in the art of wasting time, and I recommend that we do not." It came out more as a lecture than Spock intended, which had been happening a lot. He really needed to meditate, but no matter what he did, he could not clear his mind. Even if he were to lock himself in his quarters, he would not be able to. He did not know what was wrong with him, but he knew this could not last for much longer.

Pitts's eyebrow rose, not expecting that from the Vulcan. He had noticed a change in Spock over time, and he had seen him "snap" at the crew a few times. Vulcans didn't snap in the same way humans did, but it could be described as deathly. With their tone, they could express so much that yelling could not. Pitts didn't know what he did to receive it from Spock; however, he didn't care for it, but there wasn't much he could do considering he didn't snap. He could not reprimand a Vulcan for being a Vulcan. "It may be_ illogical_ to talk about it," Pitts muttered harshly, "but I know more about the situation than what I'm letting on."

It was Spock's turn to raise an eyebrow. "I would ask what that knowledge is, but it would be reasonable to assume that if I am meant to know it, I would be informed. However, I do pose the question as to why you are telling me this. What is your point, Captain?"

Pitts stood from his chair, but his eyes rested on the monitor. "I should've guessed you would say that. Pardon for me for using your word; however, it was illogical to assume you would say anything else. You Vulcans are all the same."

Spock watched this man with curiosity, wondering who this man really was. "Logic is what Vulcans live by."

"Yes, they do," Pitts paused, looking over his first Officer. "You remind me of Ambassador Selek." Selek and Spock had the same aura about them. During his conversations with them, he found himself in the same illogical spot, but that was usual, considering they were Vulcan and he was not.

He was slightly taken back by Pitt's statement. It was logical to be compared to oneself, but Spock wasn't expecting it. It wasn't as if Selek and he were the exactly same—they weren't—which was what Spock prided himself on. There were some major differences between them, which could be caused from age. "That would be sensible, considering our relation to each other." There was no use in denying it, considering they shared appearances. It would be better for him to have Pitts believe that they were family than for him to know the truth; however, that would involve a lie. Vulcans didn't lie.

"A family member, interesting," Pitts commented.

Spock was thoroughly confused. How was it interesting that he and Selek were related? "Is there anything else, Captain?" he asked, feeling this conversation lacked a point. He could be wasting time.

Exhaling, Pitts looked up at Spock as a frown appeared on his face. "Yes and no," he answered, causing Spock to raise an eyebrow again. "I would like to speak about a personal matter with you, Mister Spock."

Spock shifted, as he was rather uncomfortable with that idea. Vulcans were a private species, and they rarely spoke about private matters with anyone when it was not important. "What is this matter that you wish to speak of?"

Walking to Spock's side, their shoulders were almost touching as they faced opposite directions. "I wish to speak to you about James T. Kirk," he said, before passing the Vulcan. It was one of those times that he wished he had a window.

"I believe we have already spoken about Kirk," Spock responded with his back toward Pitts. How was Kirk a personal subject? Well, that was if he knew about their relationship, but they kept it quiet. There were some doubts that it would go over well with headquarters-not that they cared; however, Kirk didn't want the bureaucracy in their relationship, so no one outside the Enterprise knew, besides Selek and Sarek. There was some hint that Pike knew, but they were not sure.

"This isn't whether he's coming or not. I'm wondering about his last month as the Captain." Pitts ran his fingers through his beard. "Was he acting differently? How was his behavior? How was he treated?" He wondered what really had driven him away from the Enterprise.

"I am afraid that I do not understand what you are asking. Why would that be important?" Kirk had a reason for leaving, and Spock had believed it had to do with the cheating. Was there something else, as Selek and McCoy wanted him to believe?

Pitts found it incredible that Kirk hadn't told anyone what had happened to him. He was under the impression that he was close with his crew, particularly First Officer Spock and Doctor McCoy, but they didn't have the slightest clue. He wondered what had gone through their minds during the last month of Kirk's captaincy. They must have noticed Kirk's strange behavior, considering they were his friends. He knew Kirk didn't take the whole ordeal well, according to Admiral Pike. "I feel that it's a bit odd that no one noticed." He knew Kirk did not tell them, but they had to know something was wrong, right? They all seemed so unaware that anything was wrong. How could they not have noticed it? They should have noticed, considering they were _trained_ to notice things.

"I am afraid that I did not notice anything atypical. What was I supposed to have perceived?" Spock asking as his interest peaked.

If he had to judge by what he was hearing, there was nothing in Starfleet that would draw Kirk back. Pitts was hoping that something that would bring Kirk back, but it seemed that he wasn't close to anyone. What was going on? Was the crew of the Enterprise heartless? Did they not care? Pitts turned back and scrutinized Spock, before speaking, "It's pointless to enlighten _you_."

The tone of Pitts's words told Spock a lot more than his words themselves. It was quite clear that Pitts didn't think highly of the crew, him included. It wasn't that Spock cared whether Pitts liked the crew or not (because he didn't), but he wished he knew why. What had they done to anger the Captain? He knew of nothing that he or the crew could have done to anger him so much. And why would he care about Kirk's behavior in his final days aboard the Enterprise? It wasn't like it mattered now, considering he was gone and the likelihood of seeing him again was about 1.233%. "Have I performed negatively in your presence to reserve such treatment?" He knew that he himself was acting a bit out of the ordinary, and at times, he had become snappy.

Pitts turned away from Spock and headed to his desk. Spock's performance had been nothing but satisfactory, and he had performed highly compared to the others, but that wasn't what this was about. It was about the Kirk situation and how not one of his crew had noticed that something had happened. He knew it didn't hold any bearing in running a ship, but it did affect Kirk. They should've noticed that their Captain was acting abnormally, which if they did, it could've kept him as the Captain of the Enterprise. "This has nothing to do with your performance, Mister Spock," Pitts muttered.

"I must have failed your expectations if I am to judge by your tone," Spock explained. Humans were easily readable, and Spock had always been able to tell when they were lying. Their tones and expressions didn't match their words, which was the case here. He knew he had been short with the Captain, but he didn't know what he did to merit his anger. Humans were emotional creatures no matter how much they try not to be.

Spock was right, but he didn't understand why. Maybe he couldn't understand why, considering this situation wasn't black and white. He wasn't sure if a Vulcan could understand anything in the grey zone. "You have performed proficiently."

His eyebrow rose as he thought the situation over. He had performed well, but at the same time, Pitts had implied that he had not. "Captain, your tone and words are conflicting with each other. A clarification is needed."

Pitts exhaled, wondering if he had overstepped. He most likely had. "Don't worry about it. In fact, just forget I even said anything. It's unimportant."

If Spock wasn't a Vulcan, he would have snorted. "Humans often use that phase to hide the fact that there is something important. Only 6.334%-"

"Commander, I don't need to know the percentage."

"I was merely enlightening you," Spock said as anger rushed through his body. "I felt like I needed to clarify the meaning behind that sentence."

Narrowing his eyes, Pitts had started to wonder how Kirk dealt with his Vulcan crewmember. He himself had the urge to hit him. "Just drop it."

"It is impossible to 'drop' a conversation as it has no physical form." It wasn't as if he didn't know what Pitts meant, because he did. Jim had used the phrase many times, but it also had the same underlining meaning of "it's unimportant." Though he had 'dropped it' with Jim, it was with hesitation.

"This conversation's over, so get back to work. That's an order."

Spock had no choice but to listen to his captain, but he took something away from the conversation. He now knew that something had in fact happened to Jim and it involved Starfleet. He had to find out what it was, and he had to know if it was related to what Selek wanted him to know. Maybe, he should go meditate. He had mediated on it before, but he had never been more interested. Maybe he could come up with something this time. If not, he would make Selek, who was due to arrive in 17.252 earth hours, tell him. He had to know.

* * *

Candles were lit and the room lights were dimmed; music played softy in the background. The aura of the room was calming and relaxing. His uniform was replaced with robes that Vulcans often use in meditation; however, that was a few hours ago. The candles were almost out, and the music had started over for the sixth time. His robes were ruffled, and the aura of the room had changed. It was no longer calming, but rather exasperating, and it was becoming harder to focus. It was difficult to begin with, but it had been getting increasingly grueling. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to control himself. He blamed the memory for this issue; however, the more he thought about it the more he wondered if it had to do with Kirk's departure. They weren't bonded, but Kirk relaxed him. Though thinking clearly was almost impossible with the blond around, Spock didn't have to worry about anything, well, besides Kirk and his illogical ideas that somehow worked.

He forced himself to take deep breaths as he returned to his pose on the floor. Having no other way to find the truth, he closed his eyes and forced himself into meditation. His chest expanded slowly as fresh (or rather recycled) air filled his lungs. Closing off to all distraction, he drove deeper into his mind. All his life experiences flew past his mind's eye as he searched for the right one, which didn't take long to find. He watched it a few times, but he still didn't see anything. It only heightened his already tense mood; however, he did not give up. He had to know what it was that Selek knew, but what could it be? What was so special? What was in that memory? If it had to do with the room, he wouldn't need to study that specific one, so it was logical to assume it had to do with Jim.

He replayed the memory as if he was replaying a scene of a movie. The setup of the room appeared, and a ghost form of Spock appeared at the desk. Everything looked the way it did that day. The bed was unmade like the way Jim had left it and his dirty uniform from the day before was thrown in the corner. Old-fashion paper books lay open on the desk, which the ghost Spock eyed curiously, while a P.A.D.D. was a few inches below. The present Spock, which could've been called the ghost considering he wasn't a part of the memory, stood beside the bed.

Spock took a long look around the room as he steadied himself for Jim's arrival, while his past self started to read the old-fashion books collected on the desk. It wouldn't be long before Jim entered the memory, which Spock still found illogical. The Jim he knew was sneaky and meticulous, and if he really had cheated, he wouldn't have come back the way he did. Jim would've tried to hide the fact that he had sex with someone else, but he didn't even attempt to hide it—which wouldn't have helped anyway, as Spock was a Vulcan. It was hard to get anything past a Vulcan; however, Jim might not have wanted to hide it, but that didn't compute with him. If Jim wanted to end the relationship, he would have ended it. Kirk wasn't the type to be in a relationship that he didn't want. Sure, he was a player and often used girls and a few men, but Spock would've known if that was the case here. He had never sense anything accept love from Jim, so it didn't make sense that Jim would use or cheat on him.

The door opened in the memory, causing both the ghost Spock and present day Spock to turn to the door, as a ghost Jim walked into the room. It didn't take long for the ghost Spock to freeze at the sight of him. Jim's eyes widened in shock, and Spock froze the memory. This would be the time, where the 'fog' would be the lightest, considering he was becoming less logical each passing second. At the thought of Jim cheating on him, Spock had left logical at the door and his senses couldn't be trusted. He would need to chip away at the fog to see what he was missing, which was something he had a difficult time of doing.

He met a wall each time he meditated. He never saw anything, and his anger grew at each second. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to keep it up without being consumed by his anger. It was shameful for a Vulcan to be this emotional, and he didn't know what he would do if this continued. He needed to find out the answer for himself.

Spock rounded on the frozen ghost Jim and wondered what he was supposed to see. The Jim in front of him was in perfect condition; there wasn't a single mark on him. He even had a smile on his face; however, he would smell an odor coming off Jim. The smell alone could make Spock lose control and he often pondered why he hadn't lost control like the time on the bridge. He knew he had been close.

This scent had pushed him out of meditation many times, as it broke every wall around his emotions. He mustn't allow himself to lose control, because he needed to know the truth. Exhaling slowly, Spock tried to block out the smell. He was a Vulcan, they weren't controlled by their emotions, and he refused to be on account of his human half. He would find the truth just to serve his own ego, which could be a better reason. If he wasn't going to do it for himself, he wasn't going to do it at all. He had to do it for himself, if anything was going to happen. Spock slowed down his breathing as he tried to control what he was feeling. It took a few minutes in his mind, but it could've been hours. He stood in front of Jim for what seemed like hours until he gave up, because he couldn't get past the smell, a revolting stench of another on _his _Jim.

He opened his eyes, revealing the room to him. The candles had finally died, unlike the music as it restarted for the _n_th time. It only served to enrage him. He stood up from his spot on the floor and shut the music off, which he did by slamming his fist down upon it and thereby breaking the music player. "Why can I not get this?" He had tried everything to see it, but he couldn't get past it. He couldn't admit that he was wrong. How could his calculating mind be wrong? He had been trained from a young age that logic was unswerving.

"You are looking at it incorrectly, Spock."

Spock turned around to come face to face with Ambassador Selek. "Selek, why are you here? I thought we were picking you up at New Vulcan." He never expected to see his future self in his quarters now. He had planned to meet him in the transporter room, if not on New Vulcan.

Selek took a long look around the room, before he turned to him. Raising an eyebrow, he responded, "The Enterprise had already visited New Vulcan and gathered the delegates 2.321 hours ago. I wondered why you had not sought me out, either to ask me about the knowledge you attained or to ask me about the knowledge you seek, but you were deep in meditation, I see."

"It lasted longer than I expected." Time meant nothing.

"There is no need to ask how it turned out." It was clear his meditation was fruitless.

Spock turned to him. "No, it did not. Why do you not tell me instead of insisting I learn it on my own?" He made his way to his computer and stared at the monitor.

Selek had multiple reasons for wanting Spock to find out on his own, and one just happened to be Jim. "Growth, Spock," he said, "Growth."

He almost snorted, because Selek to be out of his mind. He hadn't learned anything, and in fact, it was impairing him. "I have not attained anything from my meditation, so why not enlighten me?"

"It cannot be told," Selek said. He knew Spock hadn't been pleased with the idea of meditating on that memory, but he also knew that Spock had tried, which wasn't a word that Vulcans used often. With a lack of a better metaphor, his younger counterpart was at the end of his rope, and he was close to giving up, which was also something that Vulcans did not do. "It has to be shown."

Eyes stared at each other for a few seconds as Spock tried to understand what was going on. Was Selek really going to tell him what had happened to Jim? He had wanted Spock to learn this secret on his own, and he had started to wonder. If he didn't know any better, he would think that Selek was tricking him, but he was going to take that chance. He had to know what this all was about, and he needed to know as soon as possible.

* * *

I hope you liked it.

I'm bad at coming up with titles...I don't know how I feel about the title of this chapter.

On a random note, I have to go to a Dodger game...I am not a baseball fan, and I will never be one, so I am not looking forward to it; however, a part of the Star Trek movie was filmed in there, which is my silver liner.


	6. Hang them All

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, and nor do I make an profit from this.

Hello! I hope the wait was worth it! This is my longer chapter so far! You guys are so lucky. There are a few things I would like to say before I let you guys read.

1) This is beta-ed by bookworm-4-ever2012, who had offered to help me. I would like to thank her.

2) The F-bomb is dropped about 12 times in this chapter alone, compared to the whole 13 times for the entire story. I believe it would be best if I raise the rating on this.

3) There are a few Irish influences in here. The Temple Night Bar's name have been influenced by the Temple Bar in Dublin. Bulmers is a drink in Ireland, and it is sold in America under a different name, Magners, but i have decided to use Bulmers instead, because that was the name it was first served under.l.

I do hope you enjoy it!

And Please review, they make me smile! So close to 100.

* * *

Chapter 6:

Hang them All

* * *

"Dammit!" Jim yelled as he hammered his finger once again. It should be noted that Jim wasn't the best at being handy, so it was probably a good thing that he was a bartender. He knew more about drinks than most people, including most bartenders, who should know about alcohol. "OUCH!"

Pulling back his finger, there was nothing holding up the wood, and it fell on his foot. Now, that wouldn't be a problem, if there weren't a nail sticking out of it and if it hadn't pierced his foot. On the plus side, it wasn't a long enough nail nor did it have enough momentum to go all the way through his foot, but it still went in 3 quarters of an inch. Without thinking, he yanked the nail out of his foot, which resulted in him biting down on his lip. Placing half of his weight against the part of the fence that wasn't broken, he pulled himself into a standing position as the blood filled his shoe. "Mother F-" he bit down again on his already bleeding lip.

He wasn't buzzed, and he certainly wasn't drunk, when he drove his bike into the fence. He had only a couple of beers, but considering he wasn't a lightweight, they didn't affect him or so he told himself. If that were the truth, he wouldn't have driven his bike into the wooden fence that lined his driveway. The good thing was that he wasn't going fast enough to damage his bike; however, that couldn't be said about the old shabby fence, which fell like dominoes in a row. Five yards needed to be repaired, which Jim wasn't too happy. He still had to fix the roof, which should've been completed already, but his inexperience hindered him. It took twice as long to fix anything, and it only served to irate him more. He had other things to worry about like trying to get out of that Federation receptions. A simple 'no' wouldn't work with his mother, having already tried that on several occasions. She wouldn't take no for an answer; nevertheless, he would still try it.

There was nothing that interested the retired starship Captain. He was sick of this house and everything that it stood for. He hated it. He downright hated it, and if he didn't have his ego, he would be gone. He wasn't going to show Starfleet or his stepfather that they were right. They weren't. "How do I get myself into these things?" he asked himself. He wasn't talking about the accident, but rather how did he get himself in this spot. Why was he always the screw up? Everything he ever did blew up in his face, and he was left with nothing, but he should've been used to it, considering it was all he ever knew. He came into the world with nothing, and fate made sure he continued life with nothing.

He limped back to his house, using the wobbly fence for support. It could barely support his weight. He groaned at the thought of having to replace the whole fence; having not finished the roof, he didn't need another large task. The fence stopped a few feet from the house, and he was left to hop the rest of the way as his foot couldn't support his entire weight. "This is nothing." As a trained Starfleet officer, he could handle the pain, and during his time as Captain, he had been injured many times. This injury didn't compare.

Jim dragged himself into his porch and into the house. Limping his way to the kitchen for the first aid kit, he returned to the living room shortly. The living room was littered with clothes, and papers were spread across the room. Plates laid on several surfaces across the space. The room was a complete mess, but Jim just didn't care. He had other things on his mind to worry about. He hadn't had the time to clean his house, with his job and the outside to worry about. It could also be that he didn't feel like it. He was a man after all.

Sucking on his bloody lip, he pulled off the left shoe and sock to reveal his bloody foot. Wiping off the blood with a wet nip, he examined the hole in his foot. He knew he should call Doctor Martin, but he was a grown man and didn't need a damn doctor to look over this tiny wound. The bleeding had slowed, and he could take care of it himself, having taken care of other injuries. While reaching for the alcohol to disinfect it, he felt himself curse. He hated the very idea of wasting alcohol, but he had no one to blame but himself. It strung as he poured the alcohol onto his foot. He reached for the kit and pulled out a large Band-Aid and some disinfectant cream. He carefully applied the cream and wrapped his foot. Scooping up the first aid kit, he placed it on an end table, too lazy to walk back to the kitchen.

Picking up his bloody shoe, he headed to his room to freshen up for work. He had a long day ahead of him, and he had only a few days before they headed off into space, which meant he only has a few days to think of a way to get out of it, in case a simple no continued to fail. He was 26-year-old man, and if he didn't want to go, he didn't have to. But his mother was stubborn. She would do everything in her power, not that she had much, to make Jim go. He wasn't sure what she had planned, but he knew it couldn't be good. If he had to guess, he would guess that she would drug him and drag him on that ship, and after he was in space, he couldn't escape. In addition to his mother's craziness, he also had to deal with that Doctor (who his mother was paying). There were many things that woman could poke him with; he couldn't even imagine what she could do to subdue him. He hated doctors. If doctors didn't save lives, he would suggest they hang them all.

* * *

It was a slow day at the bar, and Jess hoped it would speed up. She needed the money, and she would do almost anything for it, short of selling her soul, but she wondered if she would do that. In a way, she already had.

During the time that Jim Kirk had worked at the Temple Night Bar, he hadn't talked much about his life. There was a word here or there, and once or twice upon hurting himself while doing something stupid, she had heard Kirk curse 'Bones' as if he or she were a real person. She didn't understand this, but she didn't need to understand. As long as his cursing didn't drive away customers, it was none of her business. She didn't need to know him to work with him, even if she wanted to. She had asked him about his life and he had always dodged the questions as if they were too painful to answer. She didn't know what had happened to him, but she knew he had a story tell. She might not be the one, who was meant to hear it. Nevertheless, it needed to be told.

Just by hearing Kirk's mother's screech, Jess could tell that she wasn't someone he could turn to. Her very presence could make the temperature drop ten degrees in any room. So when Mrs. Kirk stepped in the bar a few hours ago, Jess wanted to run away screaming. That woman made her sound stupid, not saying she was a genius to begin with, and she wouldn't let her say no. Mrs. Kirk wanted to see Mr. Sunn, and she wanted to see him right away. Whatever Mrs. Kirk wanted from the owner wasn't good if Sunn's mood was to judge.

Restraining himself from kicking her out the door, he escorted her to the door with a huge, fake smile. "That woman," he hissed, unable to finish his sentence. "Who the hell does she think she is?" In his anger, he kicked over a nearby chair, which sent him hopping around in pain.

Jess stared at her boss as he hopped around the whole bar, looking like an idiot. "What does she want," she asked, when she mastered up the courage.

Sunn stopped and rotated to face Jess. "What _doesn't_ she want?" He twitched. He hated dealing with people, which was why he usually stayed in his office and away from the insanity. It was a few minutes later, when Jess turned to wipe off some of the tables, that he answered her. "She demanded that I give him time off. It's like she think she can order me around," he started, going off into a rant. "I said no to her request, saying if Kirk wants time off he should ask me himself, but she goes on saying that he would never ask for time off, and it didn't matter who asked." He paced to release his anger. That woman had gotten under his skin. "I then asked her what if Kirk doesn't want time off, because he doesn't seem like a guy who needs his mother to ask for time off! You know what his mother said?"

It was best for Jess just to go along, because there was no stopping Sunn; however, it was a good thing that no one else could see this rant. The bar had emptied, when Mrs. Kirk and Sunn entered his office to talk; that woman could clear a bar fast. "No, what did she say?"

His whole body shook. "That it doesn't matter what he says. It's like it doesn't matter what he wants." There was a long pause as he tried to regain himself. "I'm going back to my office. Don't bother me." He left her alone without another word. Jess shook her head at the day's event. That woman was indeed crazy, and she wondered how Kirk dealt with his mother. Just five minutes alone with the woman made her want to jump out a window. She would hate to be related to that woman; however, she didn't have time to ponder that as people started to arrive. It still looked empty, though it could be worse. At least she would have tips.

Wiping off the counter, two new arrivals caught her eye as they sat down a few tables away. She had seen one of them before, but she couldn't remember where. She stared long and hard at the woman as she walked to the bar to order drinks, leaving her friend alone at the table. There was something awkward about the girl at the table. "What can I get you," Jess asked.

"Can I have a Classic Bulmers and a Slusho Mix?"

"Coming up," Jess smiled, pulling out two glasses.

"Do you know when Jim Kirk is coming into work?" the familiar woman asked as she was served the Bulmers. She glanced toward her table to where her friend was sitting.

"He should be in later today, why do you ask?" Jess was curious as to why her colleague was so important today.

"Just want him to meet someone," the woman said as Jess served her the Slusho Mix. "Alright, thanks." She paid Jess and headed back to her table with the drinks.

Shaking head, Jess turned to another customer, but she still wondered about that woman. Even though the town was small, it was impossible to know everyone. Still being a bartender, she knew many faces and always had the feeling of familiarity. She probably served that woman before. Exhaling, Jess put the feeling behind her and focused on her job. If she let these feelings get to her, she would go crazy. However, she kept an eye on the pair because Kirk was a friend, even if he didn't consider her a friend. They remained at their table for an half and an hour as they waited for Kirk to show.

Jess still eyed them curiously, wondering when he was going to show. He should be in any moment; Kirk was only late a few times, which Jess found impressive. She didn't know why, but Kirk hated to be late. He would do anything to be on time, and she meant anything. He would always factor in traffic, even if there were hardly any traffic in this small town and would be 15 minutes early to his shift. On the rare occasion that he was late, there was a sour expression on his face, and Jess knew better not to ask.

When Kirk appeared, his face was distorted, but it wasn't his stay-away-or-I'll-kill-you face. He was stressed, which was something that Jess understood quite well. "Kirk," Jess waved him over. She let out a soft cry as he hobbled his way over to the bar. _What did you do?_ She wondered, remembering him to be a risk taker. Her eyes left him for a brief second as they wondered over to the pair, which had yet to notice him. It gave Jess time to brief him about the day's events, knowing he would like to know them. Plus it would be safe to warn him about Sunn's rant about Mrs. Kirk.

"What, Jess," he said, using her first name. He had no interest in her gossip.

"First, your mother was in today to talk to Sunn," she paused, knowing he would interject.

His face sported an expression that Jess couldn't explain; it was a mixture between anger and shock. Kirk stayed that way for a few seconds. "She what," he asked louder than expected, but his voice didn't carry. "What in the hell did she want?" His tone was frightening, and it could send chills down anyone's spine.

"She wanted to talk to Sunn—"

"About what?" Kirk sneered.

Jess exhaled slowly, knowing that he probably wouldn't like it. Kirk may not talk about his life, and today was the first day she met his mother, but she could tell that they didn't get along. He wouldn't be very happy about this. Between Kirk, Mrs. Kirk, and Sunn, she would be hearing a lot about this for a very long time. "Time off. She demanded that Sunn give you time off."

"She what?" This time his voice carried, causing a few heads to turn. "Who in the hell does she think she is?" His whole body shook. "I don't need nor want time off! She's just trying to get me to go with her to stupid event. You know what? I'm not going. She can jump off a cliff for all I care. Where was she when I needed her as a child? Nowhere! That's where! And now, I don't need her!"

Yep, Jess knew it. However, she never expected him to reveal this. "Kirk, calm down."

"I'll calm down when she disappears!" His hands balled. "Is Sunn here," He asked, taking a deep breath.

"Um, Sunn can wait. You have two guests over there." She pointed in the direction of the pair, who was in deep conversion. "They asked for you."

Kirk turned, and his eye twitched when he saw them. "What are they doing here?"

"I don't know. They didn't tell me. All I know is that that they want to talk with you." Jess took the bar rag and started to wipe off the counter. "I can handle the customers, so go. Besides, who are they?"

Kirk shook his head as if he was thinking over his next move. "I only know one of them, and she is my 'personal doctor,'" he said, putting up air quotes.

_Personal doctor? What the hell? _She wondered about that for a few seconds. "Go," Jess ordered. She learned so much about Jim Kirk in such a short time, and she didn't know what to make of it. "Go."

"Fine," Kirk replied.

* * *

His mother had pushed his last nerve. How dare she come down to his place of work and talk to his boss? Who in the hell did she think she was? Well, he knew who she thought she was, but she was wrong. He'd had enough. She needed to know that he was the boss of his own life and that she couldn't control him. She may be his mother, but that didn't mean he wanted her in his life. He wanted nothing to do with her, but she couldn't understand that. In fact, it seemed like she couldn't understand anything. She didn't understand how much anger and resentment he had toward her, and it didn't matter what he told her. She wouldn't listen, which was one reason they didn't have a relationship. His words couldn't get through to her. It didn't matter what he said to his mother, she wouldn't listen. She would _never_ listen.

To make matters worse, she had talked to his boss and he had no idea as what she said. Was he going to be fired because she ran her mouth? Was it going to destroy his working relationship with Sunn? He didn't want to think about it, for he might kill his mother. Might? Funny. He was going to kill his mother, who had taken it upon herself to ruin to his life. He had so much anger toward his mother that he wondered how long it would take him to lose control. Spock had commented on multiple occasions that he lacked control over his emotions, which on every occasion ticked him off, and his temper had only gotten worse after the rape trial.

However, he had other things at that moment to worry about, causing him to redirect his anger at his mother for a different time. His doctor and her friend needed his attention at that moment. His anger was replaced with annoyance as he limped his way to the table. Lucky for his doctor, he just disliked her and she wouldn't feel the force of his anger, which was reserved for his mother. Unlike his mother, she respected his wishes for the most part. She didn't bother him unless it was medical or when his mother forced her, which he couldn't hold against her. Winona had made it impossible for Ms. Martin to say no; it was easier just to do what she wanted than to fight with her. His mother was like a racehorse that would never tire unlike the rest of the world.

His annoyance was slightly overshadowed by his curiosity to what Martin wanted. Considering she was bothering him at his place his work, there had to be something. However, coming to the bar, he couldn't kick her out if she was a paying customer who was behaving. Could this be a trick of his mother? Did his mother force Martin down here? But what role did the friend play? Was this all a game? He shook his head as he stopped halfway toward the table. The occupants had yet to notice him. Was he overthinking this, seeing backstabbers everywhere? Slowing his breath, he reminded himself not to jump to conclusions before he had all the facts. He had made a habit of it, which was something that Spock annoyingly commented on all the time. He forced his mind to take a step back and to focus on the issue in front of him. He had to figure out what Doctor Martin wanted, so he could return to work, before Sunn came out of his office to discover the fact that he was not working.

It didn't take much to push him forward as his curiosity had gotten the best of him. With his arms folded across this chest, he arrived at the table. Hiding his annoyance, he asked, "What do I owe this visit to?"

Both girls jumped as they didn't notice Jim before that second. "Kirk," Martin breathed.

"What do you want?" He rephrased his question, revealing his annoyance. His eyes wandered between the two girls, catching the not so sneaky glances from the silent friend. She was studying him, which made Jim wonder why. What was going on?

"Why don't you sit," Martin smiled, tapping the table.

"Why are you here?" he asked, as he remained standing. He had no interest in being friendly; he wanted this over as quickly as possible.

Martin let out a harsh breath as she glanced toward her friend. "I wanted to introduce you to-"

"Why," he asked, interrupting her. He shifted his weight as he eyed the friend. There was nothing special about her that he could see. She seemed like a normal girl with nothing important to tell, so why should he waste his time? He had other important things to do.

Martin stood up as if it would give her the upper hand. "You'll benefit from it." It was clear that the doctor was annoyed with him.

"Says you," he muttered, as he was sick and tired of everyone telling him what was best for him. How did anyone know what was best for him? He was the only one who knew who he was, and the only one who knew what was best for him.

Martin had opened her mouth to speak, but the friend had beaten her to it. "It's pointless to try to tell it to him, trust me." Martin and Jim both turned to her. "There was a time that I felt the same way as he did." The friend wasn't smiling, but it wasn't a frown on her face. It was kind of a mixture of both.

Jim eyed the chick as his annoyance had started to turn. How did she know how he felt? What made her think that she had anything idea of what he was feeling? She had no idea of what he had went through, no one did.

"Nicole," Rae muttered as she eyed her friend, who had remained in her seat.

The friend, or the recently named Nicole, glanced to Rae before locking eyes with Jim. "Rae, why don't you leave Jim and me alone to talk?"

Rae was hesitant as the air could be cut with a knife. It was clear that Kirk didn't want to talk or listen to anyone. There was no point in talking if Kirk wasn't open to it. "Alright," she said, looking between them. She backed up slowly before turning to leave.

Jim watched her leave, before he turned back to Nicole, who sat plainly at the table. He stared at her, as he rewrote his thoughts of her. Referring to him by his first time unlike Ms. Martin, who at least knew him, annoyed him. She didn't know him or anything that he was going through, so why should she be allowed to use his name? "What do we need to talk about?"

"Why don't you sit?"

What was it with people and wanting him to sit? Would it change the message if he were to sit? He didn't think so. "I would prefer to stand." He hoped that standing would speed things up, as sitting would invite a long conversation.

"So be it," Nicole exhaled. "Rae brought me here to talk with you."

Jim glanced back to bar to make sure that Jess was okay. "Listen. I thank you for coming and all, but you're wasting your time. I don't need the lecture or whatever Doctor Martin had in her mind." He may have been curious to why they wanted to talk, but that didn't mean he wanted to talk.

He went to walk away, when Nicole spoke. "You can't let the fact you were raped overpower you." Being in a public area, there was always a chance that someone could overhear; however, the good thing about a bar was that it was loud and it would be hard to overhear things.

Her words had stopped him dead in his steps. How did she know? Was he that readable? He prided himself on the fact that he wasn't an open book, which was how he kept it a secret on the Enterprise. If this woman who he hadn't known met before knew, who else knew? "You're mistaken." Denial was his best friend, and it was the thing that got him through the day.

"I'm not mistaken. Anyone with training could tell." Her eyes locked eyes with the back of his head. She had gotten his attention, but it would mean nothing if she didn't get him to listen.

Her last statement stroke a chord, making his anger show its face, but it wasn't directed at her. If a total stranger could tell, why couldn't his crew figure it out? Why couldn't Spock?

"I know the signs." Nicole watched him turn to her, and she could see the emotion in his eyes. Her voice got soft as she spoke. "I was raped."

What hit him first was her strength, when her words came of her mouth. Unlike him, there was no stutter or pause. Unlike him, she could say the word. Unlike him, she was calm and sure of herself. How did she do it? How was she able to stay strong when he couldn't even speak the truth? He wished he could be that way—he needed to be that way. He hated how he was now, and he despised how he was acting. He hated himself for feeling jealous of the girl, who had somehow gotten past it.

"Why don't you sit?" she asked.

This time, he listened and took a seat across from her. Everything in the bar disappeared and Nicole was the only thing that existed at that moment. He had so many questions that he wanted to ask, but he kept them to himself. He had no interest in feeding her, even if he wanted to. "Who knows? Who—" His heart beat quickly.

"Calm down. You have nothing to worry about," she said. He had surprised her as five seconds ago he had denied the whole thing. He may not have admitted it, but he was still talking to her. She hadn't expected him to. "Now, what was your question?"

"How could you see it? I don't know you." His voice was shaky.

"As a doctor, Rae had made some observations that made her suspect it. Rae and I became friends before I was raped. She had noticed how I reacted, which is similar to how you are acting. She came to me hoping I could help you." Nicole looked toward the bar at Rae.

He turned his head slightly, seeing Martin at the bar with Jess. "Who else knows?" Though it was somewhat calming to have someone to talk to, he didn't want other people to know.

"Just Rae and I," she answered.

It was a relief that he didn't want to worry about his mother knowing; he didn't know what his mother would do if she knew. He assumed she would move in and wouldn't let him leave the house for anything. He couldn't take five minutes with his mother, so he hated to imagine spending every second with her. "Why would she want you to talk to me?"

"I thought it was obvious," Nicole said, as she finished off her drink.

His face twisted in discomfort. He didn't want to talk about it, even though it was killing him. "Would you like another drink," he asked, changing the subject. Though he was uncomfortable, he didn't stir from his seat. He couldn't find the strength to leave his seat.

"No," she responded. She knew this was going to be difficult, but she couldn't understand how difficult until that moment as she stared him down. He may deny the whole thing, but she was still going to talk to him. When she was raped, she wished there had been someone to talk to. "Changing the subject with me won't work," she warned. This was a serious conversation.

"Damn," he kidded. "So what will work?"

"Jim, just hear me out. What will you lose?"

He hated the fact that she was right. Listening to what she had to say wouldn't make his life any worse, and if she was right, he would only benefit. He sighed, "Fine."

She smiled slightly as she started off into her story. Nicole was once a therapist, who worked at the same hospital that Rae worked. In her job there, she had counseled many people and had known that one of patients had taken a liking to her, but she had believed that she could've discouraged him. That was not the case. The patient's obsession with her had grown to an unhealthy level, and to this day, Nicole blamed herself for not seeing it. He was her patient; she should've known. She should have seen the signs; then again, she wasn't looking for them. She wanted to believe that he was improving, but she was wrong. He was just getting worse, and it had burst one night. He had followed her home one night and had knocked her out from behind. He had tied her to the bed and raped her repeatedly as she could do nothing to stop him. Sometime after she had fallen asleep from pure exhaustion, he had disappeared. She used that time to escape, knowing if she didn't, he would have raped her again.

Jim couldn't even look at Nicole as she told her story, feeling ashamed. He knew the pain that she had gone through, but he couldn't bring out any emotion except pity, which was something he didn't want for himself. "Did they catch him?" he asked.

"Yea, when I escaped, I went straight to the cops, and they caught him in no time. The trial, though painful, went very well," she said, remembering the whole event.

At that, he felt semi-annoyed as he remembered his equal, if not more, painful trial, because it didn't go as planned. It didn't go well at all.

"You can't put your life on hold. You need to live your life and return to your purpose, your dream," she declared before he could ask another question. She needed him to rethink his choice and his life.

His pity had turned to spite as he listened to her. How dare she lecture him, when she was doing the same thing? As he recalled, she was no longer working at the hospital. "And how about you, huh? I understand that you're no longer working with the hospital. Don't lecture me, when you're doing the same thing."

She should've expected his much from him; however, she took it as a good sign. He was no longer denying it, which was a huge step. Now, she just needed to get him to listen, which she knew was hard. "It's true that I no longer work with the hospital—" Jim snorted. "—but that doesn't mean I no longer work as a therapist. In fact, I work with a nonprofit organization, whose mission is to help special victims. I counsel rape victims."

"And what am I, your next patient?" He growled. He disliked doctors of all kinds, and he was sick and tired of people hanging over him. He could take care of himself.

"I didn't come to give you therapy. I came to talk, but I'm here if you need to talk. If you need a therapist." Her hand danced closer to him, but she didn't make contact.

"I don't need your help," he said, sounding as if he was covered in itchy poisoned ivy.

"Jim—"

"Kirk," he snapped. He was fed up with her talking to him as if he knew him, because she didn't.

"Kirk," she restarted, "I can help you." She locked eyes with him. "I know what you been through. I understand what you're going through." She stopped. His eyes told her everything that she needed to know.

"You say you can help, well than tell me. How long did it take you to get over what happened to you?" A part of him knew her answer, but he hoped he was wrong and that she was over it. He didn't know how long he could deal with himself; all he did was whine and it annoyed the hell out of him.

Her eyes were soft. "I," she paused as if she was looking for the right words, "I can't say I got over it, but—"

"Then you can't help me." He stood from the chair.

"Wait," she said, standing as well. "Just because I'm not over it doesn't mean you can't move past it and live your life." She watched his back as if it would give her any clues.

"How can you move past something if it's always there?" He stood completely still. "How can I live my life if every time I close my eyes I see his face?" His whole body froze as the face of his rapist flashed in his mind.

"That's because you're letting it," Nicole commented.

Upon her words, his anger forced him to act. Rotating rapidly on her, he slammed his fists down in front of her, startling her, and she almost jumped out of her seat. "I'm doing this to myself?" He sneered. There was no fucking way he was doing this to himself. There was no fucking way. How mess up did someone had to be to purposely make himself insane? Did she think he was insane? "I have no choice, because trust me, lady, if I did, it wouldn't be his face that I'm seeing. It wouldn't be that one night that haunts my dreams." His outburst had caused a few heads to turn and linger on him, but he didn't find it in him to care.

"You do have a choice, but you've got to rise above it. You've to live your life."

His anger started to build. "What do you want me to do? I've got a job, a house, and a _life,_" he stressed. He wasn't lying on the sofa doing nothing. He wasn't wasting away on the sofa, which was what he wanted. He wanted to hide and never come out. He didn't want to see the light of day again.

"You aren't fighting. You don't care anymore. You're letting everyone and everything take you down. You're embracing the darkness without the possibility of there being something more, something better." Nicole stared up into his eyes, trying to get a read of him. He had already snapped.

He wished that people would just leave him alone and stopped trying to tell him what he was doing wrong; however, he couldn't fight her with this one. She was right that he was embracing whatever came him way—he hated how things were, but he didn't have the strength to chance it. _Maybe,_ he thought, _she's right. _He quickly shook that thought from his mind, because he couldn't take being wrong. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"You'll never move forward if you don't live your life."

"What do you call what I'm doing now," he hissed. The last time he had checked, he was living. He wasn't laying around in some ditch somewhere. He was living, just not the way he wanted or the life path he wanted.

"Just walking through life won't make you happy. You can't wait for life to throw you a lifeline, because it won't. You have to make it happen yourself. That's the secret, Kirk." She was honest, but she had no idea if he would listen. "I know. I did, and after a long time, I'm happy."

He shook his head as he backed up from the doctor. He was so sick of doctors and their efforts. When would they learn that he didn't need their help? Would anyone ever listen to what he wanted? Did his voice mean nothing? "Who said I wasn't?"

"You did," she replied as she remained in the chair.

Kirk had turned from her. "Funny, I don't recall saying that."

"Not in so many words."

He forced himself to take a deep breath as anger threatened to overtake him. At times, he wished he had the control of a Vulcan, and this was one of those times. His emotions were all over the place, and he had no idea how much longer he would be able to control himself. He snorted as he turned his back on her. "Why don't you stop thinking that you know what I'm feeling, because you don't," he snapped.

Overlooking his injured foot, he stormed away, and his disregarded her calls. He needed to get out of there, and he needed to get out of there now. He didn't care that he was on the clock, and he was supposed to be working. He didn't care that Jess came after him, trying to stop him. "I've to get out of here, now," he told her. He didn't care if he was fired. He just wanted to get the fuck out of there.

* * *

He didn't know how he had gotten himself home because all he could think about was what Nicole had told him. She had given him a lot to think about, and he didn't know what to make of it. His head felt like it was going to explode from all the pressure. There were too many things going through his mind, and there was only one thing that could clear his mind.

It didn't take long, even with his limping, to receive two bottles of whiskey from the kitchen and returned to the porch. He knew his drinking was becoming a problem, but he couldn't bring himself to care because right now, it was the only thing getting him through the day. It helped him forget how messed up his life was. He smiled as the alcohol burned as it went through him. A chuckle escaped from his mouth as he felt his senses go.

He wished for a carefree life, where he didn't have to worry about anything. Why couldn't the world just give up on him like he did? Why would anyone care? What made people think that he was special enough to be saved? He just wanted to be left alone, where he could be depressed all he wanted. He deserved nothing more than a lonely life. Why would anyone like him deserve to be happy, especially after what had happened?

Sure, it hit some cord inside him that his mother cared enough to make his life a living hell, but he really couldn't stand her. Everything about her pissed him off, even on his good days (which weren't many). Her voice alone made him want to tear off his ears, and the sight of her made him want to gouge his eyes out. Even her retarded ideas made his gut twist in pain, but that could be because they were horrible ideas in general. The Captain in him couldn't respect or trust her, as her track record with him sucked. That was why the very idea of being alone with her in space drove him batshit. He was already going insane and he didn't need her to add to his insanity.

Someone somehow had gotten within a few feet of him, but he would blame that on the whiskey. "What do you want?" he asked. His high tolerance was the only thing keeping him up.

"Your mother sent me."

He didn't know what pissed his drunken self off more: his mother butting into his life _again_ or Frank being a few feet in front of him. He decided that he would be pissed more at his mother because he could always hit Frank to release his anger. He snorted, "I never expected you to take orders from my mother."

"You little shit," Frank snapped, slapping the bottle out of Jim's hands before he could react. The full bottle of whiskey shattered, hitting the ground. Broken glass scattered everywhere and the liquid scattered across the deck, covering everything. "I take orders from no one."

Launching himself off the porch, he grabbed hold of Frank's shirt. He'd wanted to pound his stepfather's face in since the wedding, but he hadn't had the chance until now. "Now, why did you do that," he asked.

It didn't take much force to push the drunken Jim off him. "Listen, you little bastard, I'm this close to pounding your face in." The only thing stopping Frank from hitting Jim was Winona, who would surely pound him for touching her beloved son. When the boys were younger, he would get away with slapping them around as she was off planet more often than not, and he also knew where to hit them to hide the marks. Plus, she couldn't even look at Jim without seeing his father, and both Jim and Frank wondered what had changed to make her so attached to him. "I don't have to worry about hitting an underage brat or a Starfleet captain," he said, glancing over Jim.

"Why the fuck are you here," Jim asked. Frank's threats meant nothing to him anymore, but it seemed like Frank didn't realize that. Frank still thought he was that big tough man he was all those years ago, but time wasn't friendly to him. The man had put on 75 pounds in all the wrong places. Even though it mentally scarred him, he wondered how his mother had sex with Frank. It made Jim want to puke to think of him naked. Well, that could be said about all people, considering what had happened to him.

Frank glared at Jim. "Your mother—"

"Yes, yes, I know. Get to the point, Stupid," Jim teased. He knew it was a bad move to pick a fight with Frank, especially with an injured foot, but he blamed it on the whiskey. Alcohol could make him do the craziest things, but he didn't care. His attempt at ending his life was proof to that. He didn't think it was possible, considering Frank lacked all communication skills, but the man was growling at him. "Does speech escape you?"

"Why you!" Frank was seconds from attacking the drunken Jim, who had such great joy in insulting him. After a few breaths, he was able to calm himself. "Your mother believes I can convince you."

If there was no way his mother could convince him, he doubted his 'loving' stepfather could. "How so, Tubby?" he asked. It would be any insult now that would cause Frank to give in and attack him.

"I could think of a few ways, Shitface."

"You could think? I never knew a primate like you could," he commented, smirking. It didn't matter what Frank said to him, because he had heard worse and experience worse from his crew, during his last month.

Frank glanced around the place. "I could never live in a dump like this, but hey, it's the best you will ever get. Trash like you should live in trash."

Now, that insult hurt a little bit, mostly, because he said it to himself every time he looked in the mirror. Though it was Frank, it still hurt to hear someone else call him that. "Why, Flab, are you jealous?"

"You could say that, considering this would be a nice place to store my shit, though I have to be looking at shit all day," he said, glaring at him. It was quite clear that he was referring to Jim.

"If I didn't know any better, I would think you're going to visit me more." Well, that would be one way he could be convinced to go into space with his mother. He couldn't stand one more second with this man. "Sorry, I don't date fatties." Neither his mother nor Frank had any idea of whom he had interest in, considering he never told them.

"Well, I don't date fags."

"What did you just say?" Jim hissed. He hated that term more than anything else. It showed such disregarded for the world around them.

"You hear me, Faggot," Frank laughed. This was the first visible outbreak that Jim had showed. "I should've known you were such a pussy. I'm sure you open your legs for whoever comes knocking. Is that how you became a captain?"

Jim's fist balled. Sure, he loved getting into fights, but he doubted that would serve any good, considering it would send his mother running. He didn't need her yelling at him. "If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be alive," he responded. He tried to calm himself down, but it wasn't working. Once again, he wished he had Spock's control.

"I'm sure that Vulcan enjoyed his time with you. How many times did you invite him to bed? I'm surprised he let some a slut into his bed."

It took Jim a few seconds to respond. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Frank didn't know about Spock, did he? How could he? He didn't tell anyone outside the Enterprise about his relationship with his first officer.

"He visited you at the Hospital, when you were unconscious. It was rather disgusting if you ask me." He let out another chuckle.

Jim found himself growling at Frank. How dare he insult Selek? He was one of the few people Jim could count on. Though Selek and Spock were the same person, Selek was different and wouldn't turn his back on him. He would do anything to help or defend Selek. "Only thing disgusting here is you." He was ready to attack.

"If I was your mother, I would disown you. Selling yourself? I wonder what people would say."

Jim found it funny that Frank thought he would care if she disowned him. He would rather enjoy it if she did. He didn't want her as a parent. "Get off my property," he hissed.

"How much did that Vulcan pay you?"

"Get off!" he yelled. It surprised himself.

Frank chuckled. "Or did he simply have his way with you? Don't worry; he's probably a slut as well."

Jim grabbed him by the collar. "Don't you dare insult Selek in front of me. He did more for me than you or Winona ever did."

"I can't insult him? That's fine. I can insult you for days without repeats." He just let another laugh as if he wasn't afraid of Jim, whose hands were inches from his neck.

"You ran out of insults for me a long time ago," he hissed

"What made you like this? Were you raped? Is that why you're a faggot, because you liked being raped?"

That was it. The minute that Jim heard the word rape, he lost total control over himself. He dropped Frank and pounded into him. Sure, Frank 'kicked' his butt at the wedding, but Jim wouldn't count that, considering he was seriously injured. This time, his stepfather couldn't defend himself from the ex-Captain. Jim was a trained Starfleet officer, who had no trouble beating the most skilled opponent, not counting Vulcans or Romulans. The last time he took on either of them, their hands were tightly around his neck. With their super strength, there wasn't really a way he could win in hand-to-hand combat. Weapons, on the other hand, could even up the field.

Frank swung his fist. Jim went to block, but considering he still had alcohol in his system, he missed, and Frank's fist collided with the side of Jim's face. It sent him back onto his injured foot, which couldn't support the sudden weight, sending him onto his back. Frank didn't waste anything in tackling Jim and laying into him; however, it didn't take long for Jim to push his fat, portly 'Uncle' Frank off him. Pushing himself off the ground, Jim locked eyes with the man, who he hated with all his heart. There were only a few people he hated more than Frank.

"Come here and let me kick the gayness out of you," Frank demanded. His breath was short and hollowed; he wouldn't be in this fight for much longer.

Jim started to laugh. He never understood why people could be so stupid. Why there so much hatred toward gays? What were they afraid of? "You kick my ass?" Jim's laugher wouldn't stop. "That's funny coming from a man taking orders from my mother."

Frank charged him, but it didn't take much for Jim trip the man to the ground; however, Frank yanked his bad leg, sending James to the ground as well. That was where they stay for a while, as they struggled with each other. Somehow, Frank found himself on top. "I bet you like being bottom," Frank hissed, sending chills through Jim. "It's people like you who deserved to be raped."

Hearing Frank say that brought up anger that he hadn't felt before. He wanted to kill the man on him and bury him in the backyard. What really surprise Jim was the fact that he was inches away from doing it. His whole body ached at the chance to end this man's life. Rolling on top of Frank with his anger aiding him, Jim unleashed his fist into Frank's face. There was nothing stopping Jim from pounding his stepfather's face in, as the man was defenseless. Jim had overpowered him in the matter of seconds.

A few minutes later (or what seemed like seconds), Jim was hauled off Frank. He didn't know who had pulled him off Frank, but he fought against the person. Forgetting about Frank, he blindly sung at the man, who held him. His fist landed on his cheek forcing the man to let him go. Jim was about to throw another punch at the man, but his voice had stopped him cold, "Jim, stop."

Jim's hands fell to his side as he caught sight of his brother, Sam. All of his anger toward his retarded 'Uncle' had turned to shame, and he felt worse than he ever before. He looked up to his brother in a way, and now, he had slugged him. He would be sporting a black eye the next day. What did that make him? Was he anything anymore? "Sam," he muttered.

Sam walked to Frank, pulling the old man up from the ground. Frank's face had gone through the ringer; his face had started to turn a dark blue. His lip was slit and bleeding rather profusely; in addition, scratches covered his body. Frank was bloody mess, and it was shocking that Jim hadn't noticed it sooner. He was close to killing the man, and he felt no guilt about it. Sam had whispered something to Frank that Jim couldn't hear, but he didn't care.

Frank glared at Jim. "You're lucky that I don't sue, or maybe I will, Faggot," he hissed. He limped away to his car.

There was no doubt that Sam had heard, but he didn't seem to care unlike Jim. He launched himself in Frank's direction, but Sam stepped in the way and blocked his way. "What the hell!" Jim had cursed as Frank made it to his car.

His brother pushed him back. "Jim, calm the fuck down!"

Jim's eyes wondered to Frank, who had already started to drive away. The fight was over now whether he liked it or not. "Why are you here," he hissed.

Sam narrowed his eyes at his brother. He knew something had happened to Jim, but he had no idea what it was. "After Mom sent Frank, she called me, figuring she had made a major mistake. I came here as fast as I could, knowing something would happen."

Jim shook his head and turned away. "Well it did. You can leave now." He really did love his brother, but it pissed him off that he took orders from his mother.

"Jimmy," Sam called out to him.

"NO! Don't you call me that." Jim shook his head.

"Jim," he called out again. "I don't know what's going on with you and Frank—"

"Don't you even dare try to defend that jackass," he ordered. "You know how he is." He shook his head as he headed to the porch.

"Yes, I know how he is, Jim, and I heard what he said. I have no doubt that your earlier conversation was dreadful, but you shouldn't have attacked him. What were you thinking? He would do anything to hurt you." Sam shook his head. He didn't want anything to happen to his little brother.

"You don't think I know that? I know that, but that doesn't mean shit."

Sam studied him brother. Jim was never the one to lose his cool so fast, but lately it was becoming a common thing. What was going on? What made him like that? "Jim, tell me what happened."

Jim turned to look at his brother. "Frank pissed me off."

"That isn't what I'm talking about. Why did you quit Starfleet?"

"I didn't quit."

"Fine, you resigned. The same difference! Now, what the fuck happened?"

Worry was clearly present in Sam's eyes. "Nothing happened." However, he didn't need to worry his brother who had other things on his mind to worry about like his pretty little wife.

"Bullshit! I know something's wrong, that something has indeed happened. I'm your brother. I know you." Sam walked closer to his brother, who had taken a seat on the porch.

Jim felt his anger peak again. "No, you don't," he hissed, standing up. "You left, remember? Before I resigned, I haven't seen or spoke to you in over five years, so don't tell me you know, because you don't!" He was inches away from his brother's face, ready to strike.

"Jim," he said through his teeth. Sam was getting defensive, which was common when someone was getting into his face. "Calm down."

"Oh, shut it. You walked out on me, so you don't get a say." His hands balled. _Like everyone else._

The older brother took a deep breath, trying to calm him down. He wanted to understand what was making Jim act this way, but his patience was running low. "I'm sorry. What do you want me to say?"

He shook his head and backed away from Sam, trying to think. He didn't know what he wanted Sam to say. "I don't know, but don't say you know me!" There was pause. "I don't know you," he whispered after some time.

"You know that isn't true." He paused. "Sure, there was that five year gab, but that doesn't change anything."

Jim eyed his brother. "So what happened to Aurelan? Last, I heard, before heading to Starfleet, you were going to marry her." Sam stared at his brother with a painful/angrily look in his eyes. "Judging by your look, it isn't a subject you would like to talk about. So what did you do to her? Did you cheat on her with some slut?" Silence. "Maybe, what you're asking me isn't something that I want to talk about either," he hissed.

"You know what," Sam yelled, "fuck you. I was trying to help, and look at what I get." He rudely gestured at Jim. "I'm so sick and tired of trying to help you."

"I don't want your help. I don't want anyone's help, so fuck off!"

Sam dug his nails into his fist, trying to keep his temper under control. "We're fed up of you being so sullen and temperamental. We're only trying to help, but god forbid. Stop being a bitch, because no one's going to want to be around you if you keep acting like this."

"I don't want you people around! I want to be alone, dammit!" That was what he deserved in his mind.

"Why? What are you afraid of?"

"NOTHING! I just hate you all!" He was at his end of his ropes when he said it, and the minute he had was the minute he regretted it. "I wish you all would just leave me the fuck alone."

Sam's face was unreadable. "Is that how you feel?" Jim's silence was his answer. "Fine, we'll leave you to your horrible life. Sorry we caused you so much discomfort!" He shook his head, and turned his back on his brother.

Jim knew he had really hurt his brother, and he wanted to apologize, but he couldn't bring himself to say it. He had opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

"And Jim," Sam said, turning his head slightly. "It'll be so much better without having to worry about you. Mom has been so worried about you, and it's a shame. At least she won't be wasting her time anymore." There was pause as if Sam was trying to recollect his thoughts. "You never considered yourself a part of our family, and you don't deserve the Kirk name." With that, he started to walk off.

All the regret that Jim had felt earlier had turned to anger, again. "Well, fuck you! Fuck you all." He didn't need them. He didn't anyone. He was just fine on his own. He watched Sam pull out of the drive, before he walked into the house. He didn't need anyone.

* * *

The next day, anger was still rushing through his veins, and all he wanted to do was get the hell out of there. If all he did was make his 'family's' life terrible, he wasn't going to sit around. As he made his way to his bedroom to pack, his phone rung, but he didn't answer. He decided that he would let the answering machine pick it up. There was no real reason to pick it up, was there? He already decided that he was leaving Iowa; he didn't know where, but that didn't matter. He just needed to get the hell out of there.

Sunn's voice echoed through the house. "Kirk, pick up this phone, or else you are fired!" Jim snorted. He no longer needed to work at that dump anymore. Sunn was silent as he waited for him to answer, but after a few minutes of nothingness, he spoke, "Answer the phone. Fine, Kirk. You made me. You're fired." Sunn hung up. Jim's laughter filled the house. There was nothing holding him back anymore. There was nothing keeping him. He was finally a free person, with nothing to worry about.

It didn't take long for Jim to load up the bike, considering one, it was a bike, and two, he didn't have much stuff to pack. He brought enough clothes to last him a few weeks and a few bottles of alcohol. The only non-clothes or alcohol was a little golden statue of the U.S.S. Enterprise, and his metals. He didn't have any photos, considering he burned them. He didn't have anything, well besides the house, but he would probably sell it down the road. He wouldn't need it anymore.

He jumped on his bike just as a car pulled into the driveway. He hoped it wasn't his mother, because he knew it wouldn't end well, if it was. He left out a sigh of relieve when Jess walked out of the car. She ran to him as soon as she saw him. "I heard you were fired, and I wanted to make sure you were okay." Her eyes widened when she saw that his bike was packed.

"I'm fine," he muttered.

"Where are you going?"

He didn't want nor feel like telling her the truth, so he decided to lie. "I need a break, so I have decided to take a trip." It wasn't a complete lie.

"Okay," she muttered, but it didn't sound like she was sure.

"I'll be back," he smiled, but he had no idea why. Jess was always nice and supportive; it had saddened him to leave her. She was one of the few people who didn't bug him for a story, and he would always be grateful for that. He leaned down to her and kissed her on the cheek. "Tell everyone I said good-bye." He didn't give her time to respond as he turned over the key and took down the driveway with no idea of where he was going or whether he would ever be coming back.

* * *

Thanks for reading. I hope you like it!


	7. Tushah nashveh k'dular

Hola readers,

I do not own or make any money off this, so don't sue me.

It has been a while, haven't it! I hope the wait is worth it. Anyways, My beta, bookworm-4-ever2012, who had offered to help me. I would like to thank her. She liked it so maybe you will to

To address some Reader's question: Jim doesn't just kick his family out, because in some sense, because they **are** his family. I have sister, who I can't stand, but I don't get a restraining order on her, because I believe she can change, and I want to be with her when she goes. I don't want to give up on her, because she is family. It is kind of the same Jim. Thought he can't stand his mother, he won't get a restraining order. He had always dreamed of a norm perfect family, and there will always be hope for that, and he wont kick her to the curb, because he is holding on to that hope. Though he hadn't said it, he wants his mother to act like a mother, because he knows she could be. He is holding out hope, but he isn't going to voice it. I hope that helps. my explanation sounded so much better in my head.

Please review, Flames and All. I do, though, hope you enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Tushah nash-veh k'dular

* * *

It really was a beautiful day. There was no denying that. The sun was out, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The blue/green ocean waves were quite a sight; the birds and the sea creatures were out. It was an impressive sight; the San Monica's Pier was really a breath-taking place. Jim had always wanted to see it. He had seen photos of the place, but he never had the chance to see it before, so it was no surprise, when he headed there first. The pier hadn't change much in appearance, but it had changed. Most of the stores had vanished as most of the tourists went other places for fun and entertainment, but most of the rides were still in working order. Like the Golden State Bridge, it had attained the same Monument status. There were still a hand full of tourist, who visited this place, but it seemed like the beach had lost it draw.

However, in his eyes, it wasn't a waste of a trip. He could look out at the ocean for the rest of his life, and he would be happy. Though he had seen the earth from space, he hadn't seen all the beauty that it held. It was quite an amazing sight. He looked as far out as possible. It really did look like one could fall off the earth, if one were to sail out that far.

Wanting to be alone, Jim enjoyed the peace and quiet that came with the pier. It gave him the space to think that other places did not. Being James T. Kirk came with a price as he came to learn. Everyone in his or her right minds knew who the hell he was. Like children for example. Jim shook his head. He had come to dislike them. He didn't know what it was, but if he had to retell how he saved the earth one more damn time, he was going to kill someone. Don't get him wrong, he was flattered for their hero worship, but he couldn't deal with their consistent questions. Though children had their nonstop questions, he enjoyed them over adults, who were annoying as all hell.

Walking into any bar, he was surrounded by chicks and a few men, who wanted to get into his pants. He didn't know what it was, but he wasn't that easy anymore. He wanted something more than just sex, and there were a few reasons for that. One, he had been raped, and he was now turned off to sex in the most part. Two, after being in a serious relation and experiencing everything that came with it, sex didn't mean as much. He wanted a relationship with meat in it. In addition, It had become a new tend to pitch ideas to Jim over and over again, and no one would take no as an answer. Now, he knew all this came with being James T. Kirk, but he wished he had Jim time. He needed Jim time. He needed it to be all about him for a while. For the longest time, he had to worry about everyone and he needed a break.

He rested his head on the railing as his life played through his head. He wondered what his life could've been like if his father was alive. He knew he could ask Selek, but the chances of that old Vulcan answering him was low. Selek didn't believe that it would be wise to tell him, not that he thought the timeline would be in danger as it was already fucked thanks to Nero, but rather, he wanted to save Jim the pain of knowing something he would never experience. Selek would tell him a few general facts, but he would never go into detail. Jim was glad that Selek fused to tell him some things, because he knew he wouldn't have the self-control. He took a deep breath. He hated the fact that his counterpart had a different life, because he would compare it all the time. In his mind, he would never live up to the Jim Selek knew, and he hated the fact that he had to compete with himself. He hated that he was living in that shadow. He hated it, downright hated it. He was jealous of the other Jim, who had grown up with a father and a loving mother. He was jealous of a life he never knew and would never know.

As he spotted a seal, he sense a person come up behind. When he wasn't drinking, Jim's senses were pretty good. "Can I help you?" he asked instead of 'what do you want,' which was what he wanted to say. He kept his eyes on the seal that seemed to be enjoying itself.

"I knew I would find you here."

* * *

"I was under the impression that you were going to show me what it all meant," Spock said, eyeing his counterpart, who was standing a mere foot from him. If it were anyone else, Spock would have stepped back as to avoid the close contact. From that distance, it would be clear to anyone that he was unstable, but he knew it would be clear to his counterpart regardless.

Selek eyed his younger self. "I am sorry that I have misled you." It had been a few minutes since Selek had informed Spock that he would show him the truth. "I would like to clarify. I will walk you through what had happened." It was still about growth.

Spock took a deep breath, knowing he should have expected this from his counterpart. Vulcans were about growth and the wisdom one might attain through it. With Vulcans, it wasn't simple, and Spock knew it, but he did not like it. "Understood." Spock was being rather illogical about it, which unnerved him. A Vulcan should never be illogical.

His counterpart's hands reached for his face. "I will guide you through the memory." There was no need of explanation to which memory it was. "I will not allow you to be blinded by your emotions."

Spock let out a glare. He hated that word, and he hated that Selek was right. He was blinded by his emotions, and it was affecting his actions. "What must be done?" he asked, leaning into Selek's hand.

"Show me the memory," was Selek's response, and Spock obeyed. His mind ran back to that night, the night that haunted him. Both Selek and Spock found themselves in the quarters of Captain James T. Kirk, about a month before he resigned. Spock lets his mind wonder, as he realized how much he missed the sight of Kirk's quarters. Whenever he went to Captain Pitts, he disliked how different the room was, and he would be lying if he said it didn't affect him. The memory flicked. "Spock, pay attention," Selek ordered.

The memory flicked for a few more seconds as it strengthened itself. A ghost Spock appeared at the desk, eyeing the antique books. Present Spock and Selek remained at the corner of the unmade bed as they waited for Kirk to appear. "I do not see the point of this memory," Spock said, pausing the memory. He knew that Selek wanted him to observe this memory, but he couldn't understand why. He had studied this recollection many times before, and there was nothing that stood out.

"Spock, you see what you want to see, which is why I am here. I will help you see through the cloud of your emotions."

Present Spock narrowed his eyes at Selek, who was eyeing ghost Spock. "Do not insult me." He didn't know why he waited this long to snap at Selek, considering he had already called Spock emotional.

Selek turned to Spock. "I do not remember ever being this hostile at your age. It seemed that the change in the timeline had changed many of things." The old Vulcan turned his attention to the door. "Interesting."

Though Spock himself had used the word interesting many times, he didn't like how it sounded coming from Selek's lips. He was beginning to understand how the rest of the crew felt, whenever that word escape from his lips. He was about to respond, when Kirk entered the room. His appearance was the same as before, and the smell was worse, if that was possible. Ghost Spock froze, catching sight of Kirk, who looked happy as normal. Anger ran through his veins as Kirk took a few steps into the room. When Kirk's eyes had widened, Spock froze the memory, as he could not face it.

"Why did you stop?" Selek glanced toward Spock, who fists tightened. "The memory is not finished."

Spock looked away from his counterpart, as his emotions had gotten the best of him. Not only was he ashamed of being an emotional Vulcan, he felt ashamed that he was not strong enough to face the memory. Maybe this was why he would never understand what Selek was teaching him. "It would be pointless to go farer into the memory as I…" He paused, not finishing his sentence. He knew Selek was in fact him, and they were inside his mind, where secrets didn't exist, but that didn't mean he wanted Selek to know how weak he was. "The pain…" Once again, Spock didn't finish.

"_Nam-tor kusut vel t'kashek. Kup-putash-tor kashek_." (Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind can be controlled) Selek glanced toward Kirk.

Spock stared at the floor as Selek spoke. The look on his counterpart's face was pure pain, and Spock knew that Selek felt the same as he did. "…The smell is too much to bare."

"There is no smell."

"What?" He couldn't comprehend how Selek couldn't smell the stench rolling off Kirk. The smell alone could make Spock lose control.

"You see what you believed to be true as your mind saw the truth."

Spock stared at his counterpart as his brain processed his statement. Did that mean that Selek saw the truth? He shook his head. "What do you see?" he asked.

"The truth." Selek's expression looked painful, which surprised Spock. Selek had an aura about him that Spock wished he had. As illogical as it was, Spock wanted to be like Selek. His counterpart had found a way to combine both the human and the Vulcan way. Though it was very hard to tell, Selek was emotional; however, he was very rational about it. He experienced emotions, but he did not allow them to control him, which was something that Spock wished he had. "Let the memory play, but focus on the Jim that you loved not on the Jim you believed to have cheated on you."

Spock closed his eyes for a brief second, or what seemed like a second. He allowed himself to take in what Selek had said as memories of his time with Jim flashed before him. He had missed those times. Opening his eyes, he allowed the memory to play forward.

Ghost Spock stood, staring wide eye at Ghost Kirk. Emotions were clearly written on his face.

He really was trying. He really was, but the good memories they had together could not keep out the disgusting odor. Doubt started to fill him head. "Spock, focus," Selek, who had sensed the struggle of his counterpart, ordered.

As Ghost Spock turned his back on Kirk, Spock took a second to relive the good memories, which had helped, but what really helped was Selek. His counterpart, whom mind was connected to him, helped to guild his thoughts. He was able to break away at the fog.

"Spock, let me explain," Kirk begged. Ghost Spock didn't answer as he started to pack his things. It was as if he couldn't hear Kirk, but the present Spock knew the truth. If he hadn't have blocked him out that day, Spock would have lost control, which wouldn't have been good. With Selek's steady hand, Kirk's state had started to reveal itself. "Spock, please," Kirk begged again, as he inched closer.

Present Spock froze. He didn't know how he had missed it, but he did. It killed him as he heard Kirk's voice. Kirk sounded like he was about to break down; he sounded liked he had been crying. It had unsettled him; his tone was a clear clue to how Kirk felt. He was broken and defeated. If Spock had to describe it, he sounded dead. If this weren't in his head, Spock's hands would have been bleeding as his nails dug into his flesh. He never wanted Kirk to be so broken, but he had no one to blame except himself. His mind flashed to Kirk's remaining time on the Enterprise, wondering how Kirk sounded then.

As he listened to Kirk, Kirk's true form revealed itself. He didn't know how he had missed Kirk's state before, but he was 'kicking' himself. If it weren't for Selek, Spock would have turned away, not ready to take in a broken Kirk. "You need to see this," was his response. He was right.

Though Kirk was wearing long sleeves, Spock could still see light red markings around his wrist. There were also small bruises. However, what really shocked Spock was the faint hand shaped impression around his neck. It brought out anger in Spock, the likes he had never knew. Who dared to hurt _his_ Jim? He would kill them slowly. He wondered what made him refer to Kirk as Jim again, but he also wondered when he had reclaimed Jim as his own.

"Spock, please," Jim begged. Present Spock could see how close Jim was to tears, and it brought more emotions to the surface. Ghost Spock didn't however notice how broken Jim was, as he walked past to the door. "Let me explain. Spock, please." His voice was about to give out. Jim's eyes followed Ghost Spock.

Spock knew that Ghost Spock wasn't going to let Jim explain, but he couldn't stop hoping he would. How could he not tell that something had happen to Jim? He felt Jim freeze as Ghost Spock paused at the door and glanced back at him. "It would be ill-advised as this affiliation was purely a scientific experiment." With that, Ghost Spock vanished out the door, but it didn't take long for Jim to follow him out.

"SPOCK!" Jim cried out. It seemed that he didn't care who saw or heard him. He just wanted Spock to listen, but Spock had disappeared around a corner, ignoring the now crying Jim.

Selek and Spock stood at Jim's side; Spock didn't need to go after the ghost form of himself as he knew what happened next. His only care was the crying Jim, who had fallen to his knees not too long ago. This was where the memory froze, as Spock didn't know what had happened next with Jim; but he had what he needed to know. "Jim," he called, reaching out to the ghost as he went down onto his knees; however, his hand went right through him. He didn't know what to say to Jim, not that it mattered, as he couldn't hear anything. How could he have missed it? How could he had not seen how broken his mate was?

"You have seen what you were supposed to have seen," Selek said, dragging them out of mind-meld.

Spock was on his hands and knees in his quarters, trying to catch his breath. He knew better than to try to reenter his mind as he lacked the strength, though he wanted to see Jim again. He needed to see Jim again. He needed to know what had happened to his beloved. "Do you know what had happened to J-Kirk," he said, still on ground. Though he had called Kirk by his first name, it wouldn't be right for him to refer to Jim in such a personal way, not after what he had learned.

"Yes, I do."

Spock stared up at him. "What happened to Kirk?" He had to know, even if the expression is Selek's told him that he didn't want to know.

Selek took in a deep breath as he prepared himself. "_Jim_ _itishi_ _k'lasa."_ (Jim was raped.) He knew he couldn't have answer Spock in English.

"_Nauto_?" (What?) Spock could not believe his ears. Selek had to be lying, but that wasn't possible as he was a Vulcan. It made him want to drop down dead, as it meant he had betrayed his beloved at the time that he needed him the most. What kind of Vulcan was he?

_"Tushah nash-veh k'dular."_ (I grieve with thee.) It broke Selek to see Spock like this, because he knew exactly what he was going through. He felt pain himself, knowing that Jim was hurting.

* * *

"I knew I would find you here."

Jim knew that voice, but he couldn't place it. "So you found me. What do you want?" The sound of the waves crashed below the piers.

"I came to look out at the ocean," the woman said, as she took the spot next to Jim. Leaning against the railing, she glanced at the same seal that Jim was looking around. "That's a cute seal."

Jim glanced to the woman, and he realized to whom he was talking to. He hadn't seen her in years, but he knew her the second he saw her. She had not lost her beauty; if it was possible, she had become more beautiful. "Aurelan, what are you doing here?" It wasn't that he didn't want to talk the beautiful woman, but he never expected to see his brother's ex-fiancé here. They talked, but they were never best friends, and he would never expect her to seek him out.

Aurelan glanced toward Jim before looking back out to the see. "Your brother called."

Jim ever so slowly turned to her. "He what?" He didn't know what that meant.

"He's worried about you."

He shifted his body. "So he called you?" He didn't understand why Sam would call Aurelan to ask if he was okay. He knew he was missing something.

She pushed her hair behind her hair as she rotated, so her back was leaning against the railing. "Sam knew you would come here. You always wanted to come here, and he knew I was living here now, so he gave me a call," she sighed. It left a bad taste whenever she talked to her ex.

"I still can't believe he called you," Jim replied. He didn't know what exactly had happened between them, but he knew that something had to have happened.

Her eyes wonder down the pier, as if she was looking for something. "You know he regrets everything he said to you. He wishes he could take it back."

"If he regrets it, why did he send you? He should've come up here himself," Jim responded bitterly. He straightened up slightly.

"Just because he figured you would be up here, doesn't mean you would come here." She paused. "Besides, he can't just leave his new wife."

Jim stared at her from the corner of his eye. "I guess." He studied her for a few seconds as he wondered why she did what his brother had asked. "So why did you do as he asked?"

She didn't answer right away, as if she was trying to figure out what to say. "Well, he wouldn't let me say no, and…" She paused. "I wanted to help. I know how it feels to be kicked from your path." She turned back to the ocean and pointed to the seal. "Every year, there are thousands of sea animals beached, and if no one had helped them, there wouldn't be alive and there weren't be as many beautiful creatures."

Glancing at her from the corner of his eyes, he didn't like being compared to a seal. "That still doesn't mean that someone would get them back into the ocean. It's the cycle of life. Survival of the fittest."

"So you would let it die a painful death?"

Taking a deep breath, he answered, "No, but I don't see how this has anything to do with me."

She took out a camera to take a photo of the seal. "You need help like any beached animal."

He narrowed his eyes, as he tried to figure her out. Who said he needed help? He was doing just fine if you asked him; however, the last few months could contest differently. Maybe, he did needed help… He shook his head. He was being crazy, because he didn't want help. Accepting any help would just make him weak, right?

"Sure, time has passed, but I'll always lend a helping hand to you." Aurelan padded his head, which startled Jim. "There isn't anything wrong with accepting help."

He almost snorted. His whole life he was taught that accepting help was weak, and it would come back to bit him in the ass. He learned that lesson from a very young age. Frank was never kind to him as a child, but he was always worse whenever Jim had gone for help. If he was a Vulcan, the railing would be broken as his hands squeezed it with all he had. His childhood wasn't a good one.

"Let me help you. Talk to me." She stared down at his hands, where were turning red. It was obvious he was hiding from something.

"Why don't you tell me what happened between my brother and you." Jim had no interest in talking about himself, as he hated everything about himself.

She looked him over as if she was thinking about what he had just said. "What about this? I'll tell you a little about that, if you tell me what happened?"

Though boats were hardly used anymore, that did not mean you didn't see one now or then. What was the point of using a boat, when almost everyone had a hover car? The only real use of a boat was either for the old fashion fishing or some other kind of water entrainment. Nowadays, people went to the sky for entrainment. It was surprising, but nice, when a boat suddenly appeared in the water. A father was teaching his young son the way of the ocean. The small child was enjoying himself, as he caught a small fish, which would be thrown back as it was too small, but none of that matter to the child, who had caught his first fish.

Though it was a joyous occasion, Jim felt jealous, as he never had a father-son experience. His heart pinged as he fantasied about the memories he could've had with his father, even if it was something as stupid as fishing. He closed his eyes. His life would've been different if he had a father. "You assume too much." The child laughed. "I don't care that much."

Aurelan took a deep breath. "I never expected that you did."

Leaving the beloved father-son, he glanced toward his brother's ex-fiancé. His curious had been peeped again as he wondered what her game was. What was she after? It couldn't be as simple as just wanting to talk, could it?

"I just offered so it would give you some ground to stand on. You're the one who asked." Though she wanted to help, she wasn't going to let him walk all over her. He would never open up that way.

"What do you get out of this?" He knew his brother had asked her, but that didn't mean anything.

"Nothing. In fact, there're so many other things that I could be doing." Her eyes wondered to the same boat that Jim was eyeing seconds earlier. "I was planning on studying and observing the underwater plant life with my friends." She took her breath. "It was going to be fun, but I can do it another day."

Though it wasn't on his bucket list, he knew people found enjoyment in science, Spock being one of them, but don't get him wrong, he did find science to be an important and interesting field; it just wasn't his idea of fun. "I'm sorry you're wasting your time then."

"I'm not. I find this talk to be meaningful and important."

"How so?"

"It's important to get back to your path. As I'm supposed to study life, you're supposed to be Captain of the Enterprise," she said, poking him in the forehead. "It's your calling as science is mine."

Taken back from her contact, Jim shook his head, thinking about what she had said. She was wrong…He wanted her to be right, but she was not. The only place he felt right was in the captain chair on the Enterprise. He missed it. He wanted to be in that seat, ready to complete his mission. "I don't know about it."

"What makes you think that? You were a great captain, a captain we could trust." There were horror stories about captains, and James Kirk wasn't one of them. If Aurelan could serve under a captain like Kirk, she would have no problem enlisting with Starfleet.

Jim glanced to her before turning away from the father and son. Placing his hands into his pocket, he slowly wandered over to a bench that was a few feet down. He sank into the seat and threw head back, so he could look at the sky. All of this happened within a minute of silence. "You would be the only one who would believe that."

She made her way over towards him. "What makes you think that?" she asked, standing over him.

Without moving, he stared up at her. "My crew told me." He shifted his glance, as he couldn't take the look in her eyes. "But hey, no big deal! I can do something else with my life."

Taking a deep breath, she sat down next to him, but she didn't lean back. "Somehow I don't believe that." Jim didn't respond. "Did they specifically tell you that they didn't trust you?" She didn't like his silence.

He couldn't keep his hands still. No, they didn't tell it to his face, but he knew. Every time, they looked at him. Every time, they responded to him. Every time, they passed him in the hallway. Every time they questioned him, he sensed it. They didn't trust him. "I thought we weren't talking about this," he snapped.

Aurelan looked at him. "Then why are you still here?" She sensed it from the beginning. She knew the second she saw him that he wanted to talk. He wanted someone to listen. Sure, he was putting up a fight, but he wanted someone to fight back. He wanted someone to care enough to fight back.

"…I don't know," he admitted. He had no reason for staying.

Taking a deep breath, she leaned back. "I broke up with your brother."

Picking himself slightly up, Jim stared at Aurelan. He wasn't expecting her to speak about that. "Really?" What else could he say to that?

"It was my decision, but it wasn't easy." She glanced toward Jim, who had yet to lean back again. "It was the right choice, even after what happened."

"What happened?"

Her eyes wondered back up to the sky. "Alcohol."

Jim was locked onto his brother's ex-fiancé. "What?"

There was hesitation. "Your brother… he could never control himself when he drink, which was a reason why he stopped drinking. When he started, he could never stop, and he turned into another person. I didn't recognize him half of the time, but I thought I could change it…or rather, I thought it wouldn't be a big deal, but I was wrong."

Jim felt his heart race. He never knew that about his brother, but they weren't close, hardly ever talked; however, he expected to know something like that. He expected his brother would tell him…but then again, he never told his brother what really had happened to him. "What made you…What did you…" He didn't know what to say.

Her eyes wandered to him, and he could see how painful it was for her to talk about it. "I'll never know how it feels to lose a parent like you guys did, but I knew Sam took it bad. Every year on that night, Sam would drink himself to near death. He knew his life would've had been different if your father was alive, and he couldn't live with it." Her eyes left him again.

_At least, he doesn't know it really was._ Though Selek was limited with what he told Jim, he did tell him a few things about his father, and it hurt like a bitch that Jim could never be able to experience it. Jim hated his counterpart for that as well. "Did something happen?"

"He cheated on me, which I could get pass. Call me a stupid chick who didn't want to lose someone she loves, but I forgave him. He was so drunk that he didn't know what he was doing." Tears started to form in her eyes. She really did love him.

Jim almost snorted. He could never understand how someone could be so stupid. How could you forgive someone who cheated on you? His heart hurt, knowing he wasn't forgiven, but it really couldn't be called cheating, now. He really wished Spock had listened like Aurelan had. "What couldn't you get pass?"

"He got her pregnant."

Jim jumped, landing on his feet. "What?" He was an uncle? His mind was racing. Why didn't he ever meet the brat? The look in her eyes wasn't good. "What happened to the child?"

"Miscarriage." Jim stared. "Let's back track a little. He wanted to stay with me, even after he found out, but I wasn't going to let his child grow up without a dad. I told him it was over and he should go to her. He went, without a fight." She looked into Jim's eyes. "He knew my reasoning."

"How did he lose the kid? Why didn't he go back to you?" He had so many questions.

She closed her eyes as she tried to gain strength. "He was drinking one night, which was unusual, considering he only drunk once a year." She paused. "I don't know what happened, considering we weren't talking. The girl didn't want him talking to me, which I guess was understandable. All I know, he was drinking, and she fell. I doubt he did anything to her, but I can't be sure. He called me after it happened and told me she had lost the baby. It was over he said, and he wanted to come back to me." Tear started to fall. "Stupid me, told him okay. To this day, I don't know what was going through my head when I agreed. I was happy again, but that didn't last. After he told me he wanted to come back, we didn't speak again. I called him, but he never answered the phone. After a few calls, I knew what had happened. He had changed his mind, but you know what? It was a good thing. It really was. I'm glad we didn't get together."

Her story made his question everything that he was doing. He didn't want to become his brother. He didn't want to lose control of himself and end up hurting someone. He knew he should stop drinking, but even now, he was dying for a drink. "What happened to the girl?"

"He married her. I guess he really did love her."

Jim could not believe his ears as he took a seat. "It was Joy?" He couldn't believe it. He really couldn't.

"Nice lady?" She didn't bother confirming.

He never had a conversation with girl without his brother around, and when they did talk, she was the one who did all of the talking. "I guess." His mind was still trying to work itself around the whole situation.

She looked at him. "That phone call was the first call since that night he told me he wanted me back."

Jim didn't respond. He didn't know what to say, but he wanted a drink, even after hearing what had happened to his brother. _Say something to stop me, Aurelan._ He wished he wasn't dependent on drinking. "Why did you tell me this?"

She turned back to the sky. "I don't know. I felt like I should." She closed her eyes. "I was hoping that you would talk to me. It was really selfish if you think about it." She didn't know what else to do.

"Do you really want to know?" Jim had given up. If she cared this badly, he would tell her. He knew she would leave after she found out the truth, but at least, she would know the truth. "I'll tell you." _Thank you._

* * *

Spock stared at the ground as he tried to wrap his mind around what Selek had told him. "How?" he asked, switching back to English. He didn't understand how something like rape could happen to Jim.

Selek eyed his counterpart. "I do not need to inform you about the population on Dalenius." Though he had already broken Jim's trust by telling Spock the truth, Selek didn't want to go into detail. Not only did he feel uncomfortable speaking about it, it was Jim's story to tell. If he didn't want to tell anyone, Selek wasn't going to force his hand.

He did know about the population that lived on that planet. The planet was barely advanced enough to enter into the Federation, and he also knew that the Federation only considered it, because they had something that they wanted. They were an aggressive group with a limited sense of the greater good. This was the reason why he contested Kirk going down there without him. It wasn't that he didn't think Jim could take care of himself, but Daleniens had four times the strength of humans. Come to think about it, humans were a weak species. How did they serve this long? There were many other races that were far more intellectual than they were, and there were countless species that were stronger than they were. He wondered why he had even let Jim out of his sight in the first place. "You do not."

Selek closed his eyes as he replayed a certain memory in his head. "I do not feel comfortable telling you without his permission."

It hurt to say the least that his Jim went to Selek. He knew he didn't have the right to feel jealous, not after what he had done, but that didn't mean he didn't feel it. He always knew his counterpart and Jim had a special relationship, but that didn't mean he had to like it. Illogical as it was, he wasn't a big fan of his counterpart. "Do I not have a right to know what had happened to my Captain?"

"Jim is not your captain."

That took the breath from Spock, but Selek didn't catch it. "Would it not be public record?" His eyebrow rose. "There would be no betrayal of trust."

Selek shifted his eyes and wandered to the desk. Being Vulcan, both he and his counterpart saw no need in material items. They were a distraction. "You will have trouble finding those records, Spock." There was no need to explain, as Spock knew first-hand how difficult it was. Spock had tried to look for any records on James T. Kirk. "I would assume you would have already looked."

"I have."

"I would also assume that your search was fruitless."

"Correct."

He didn't know what it was, but Selek was getting sentimental about being in this room. He remembered serving under his Captain Kirk and he wished to be nowhere else. "Therefore, you already know public record. There is nothing I can tell you about that situation."

Spock took a few steps toward Selek. "Your logic is flawless; however, I feel -"

"You feel?" Selek interrupted as his fingers danced around the keyboard.

Glancing in a way that only a Vulcan could do, Spock came around to his desk. "It is reasonable to assume that you can enlighten me without betraying Kirk's trust." In his mind, logic was always right and it should always be followed. "It would be illogical to believe that there is no record. Others must be aware of what had happen to Kirk."

Selek's fingers run traced the computer. "That is correct. I would be lying if I said that no one else on this ship knew." There was an inter-battle going on inside of Selek. He wanted to tell his Spock everything he knew, but that would not be honorable. He would be betraying Jim. If he wasn't Vulcan, he probably would have told Spock everything; however, he was and he could not. Even though Jim needed the truth to be revealed, he wasn't going to go against Jim. Besides, Selek didn't know if he wanted to send Spock to Kirk, remembering the scene he walked in on with Uhura.

He took a long breath, which he had seen Kirk do many times to calm himself. "Captain Pitts." He didn't need to guess; he knew Pitts knew about Kirk. Spock remembered the questions that Pitts had asked him, and it would make sense he knew. Why else would he ask about Jim's behavior during his last month of his captaincy?

"Correct," he responded with a long breath. He wasn't really looking at anything.

There was a long silence.

"Your silence would presuppose that there is another person." Spock waited to see if Selek would answer, but he did not. "Who is this person?"

"It would be of no benefit."

"Should it not be me who decides what might benefit me?"

To a Vulcan, logic was the most important thing, and there was no defying it. "Our father."

"What?" Selek ignored the illogical response. "What do you mean? Why does he know?" Spock paused, realizing how human he had become at hearing this. His logic became blinded by his emotions.

"He knows because Jim told him."

If it was possible, Spock felt deader inside. How could Kirk tell his father what had happened but not him? As he knew, Kirk and his father weren't close. He wasn't even sure that they liked each other. They tolerated each other for him. It was beyond him why Kirk would go to his father. The little voice inside his head disagreed. _You turned him away._ "If that was true, my father would have told me."

"Do you believe I would lie to you?" If he wasn't Vulcan, Spock would have thought he had offended Selek. "I have no reason to lie, Spock. And Sarek had no reason to tell you. What purpose would he have in telling you?"

"I have a right to know what has happen to Jim." Spock was becoming more human with each passing second.

"You had lost all right to Jim, when you turned him away. It would have been illogical for Sarek to have informed you." Selek knew himself well enough to know that Spock was close in snapping.

Spock stared at his counterpart before turning to the door. Without saying a work, he exited his quarters. Selek knew where Spock was heading. Though hope was illogical, Selek hoped for the best.

* * *

Jim settled his self on the bench and stared at the sky. He didn't know if he could tell her what had happened to him, which was obvious by his silence. He had to try, didn't he?

"Take your time," Aurelan said in no hurry.

Taking a deep breath, he started, "some things are classified." It wasn't as if he cared, because he didn't care what happened anymore. Besides, the rape trial and rape were classified, so if she wanted the truth, he would have to break his oath. Did that even exist anymore? He wasn't sure. "It all happened when we visited a newly discovered planet, Dalenius. I won't tell you why we went down there, because it doesn't matter." He took a pause. "All that matters is the fact that the Dalenians are savages."

She stared at him. "I doubt they are savages." If that were the case, Starfleet wouldn't have sent him.

Shifting to get a better view of her face, he stared deep into her eyes. "Yes, Aurelan, savages. The things they did…do aren't human." Yes, he knew that they weren't human, but it was an expression. "However, I guess, it's partly my fault." He shook his head, wondering how much of it was his fault.

She stared at him. "How is it your fault?" she asked, noticing him flinch. She knew it had to be something.

Jim closed his eyes, trying to relax. He could feel his heartbeat speed up as he went through what happened in his head. "I went down to Dalenius without security or my First Officer." He flexed his fist. It really was a bad idea.

"You didn't go alone, did you?" She didn't know Starfleet protocol, but she doubted that a Captain would go down alone to a non-federation planet.

"No, my First Officer didn't approve. Though he had no say in the matter, he would do anything to make sure I didn't go to that planet alone, even insubordination." He laughed, but Aurelan had no idea why. She wasn't aware that his First Officer was Vulcan. "I beamed down to the planet with one medical, one tactical, and two science officers." There was pause. "There was also an admiral and an ambassador."

"Okay, so what happened?"

"Many things," he commented, which resulted with her glaring at him, "None of which deals with the issue at hand." She didn't need to hear the detail of meetings or anything along those lines. "Things were going well, considering we had a few setbacks, which could've been avoided if I brought a certain someone." His fist flexed again. "Maybe, this all could've been avoided if I brought him, but I thought he was needed on the bridge." He started to shake.

"Jim," she muttered.

There was a few seconds of silence before he spoke. "I pride myself on the fact that I'm able to pick up on the smallest of details, but I was blindsided by this. I didn't see it coming at all." He closed it eyes, realizing how stupid he was. "I didn't notice that one of the committee members took a fancy to me." There was another pause, but Aurelan didn't push him. He needed to get this out in his own time. "He came to me a few hours later, when I was alone. I thought he wanted to talk about the treaty, but I was wrong."

She wondered if she should place a hand on his shoulder in support, but she decided against it. She didn't want him to feel like he was locked in.

"I should've notice how odd he was acting, but I didn't. Maybe, I wouldn't have known what I was looking at." Jim squeezed his eyes shut as if he was experiencing physical pain. "I should've questioned his strange gift. Why would anyone give a person a leaf tied to a stone? It didn't make sense. I'm idiot. How could I be so stupid not to notice the hunger in his eye? Why did I turn my back on him? Why did I lead him on?" It was difficult to breathe. "That has to be the reason why he thought that he could claim me. I hate myself. I should-"

"JIM!" Aurelan yelled, grabbing his shoulders. He flinched at her touch, but he didn't pull away. "Calm down. You have to breathe, honey. Breathe. In. Out. In. Out," she repeated until he obeyed. There were a few minutes before she spoke. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't." She knew what had happened.

He stood suddenly as if he were burned. "It was." Aurelan thought her heart was about to break, when she saw the tears flowed. "I should've read the brief that Lt. Uhura had prepared. I shouldn't have gone to the planet without security or my First Officer." He had started to shake. _What's wrong with me?_ "It's entirely my fault."

Aurelan finally took notice that Jim had yet to refer to his First Officer by name, but she pushed it aside for later. "No, it isn't. Don't you dare think that!" she stressed as she reached for him.

He eyed her hand dangerous; he had started to freak out. Maybe, it wasn't a good idea to tell her. Maybe, he was too weak. Maybe, he was right in resigning from Starfleet. How could he handle a ship if at any moment he were mere seconds from panic attack? "No, I must've leaded him on." He sunk to his knees. "He was right."

She was at his side in a stance, and her arms embraced him. Resting her head against his, she whispered into his ear. "No, you didn't, and even if you did, the moment you said no is the moment it should've ended." She felt him tremble in her hands. What did that bastard do to Jim? The Jim she knew was proud. "Who is this he?"

"My ex," Jim admitted.

Aurelan had to admit that she had never thought Jim was bi, but if he was happy, nothing else matter, well, besides the fact he wasn't at that moment. "What are you talking about?"

"He broke up with me the moment I came back to the ship, because I was a bastard and cheated on him." Tears had started to soak the ground.

"No, Jim. You didn't." She didn't know who this man was, but she assumed he was the jackass First Officer that Jim didn't name. She wanted to beat the ass that had abandoned Jim when he needed. "Let me beat that mother fucker First Officer of yours." She held him tighter.

She would barely hear him over his sobbing. "He isn't a motherfucker. He's a Vulcan," Jim sniveled.

Now, that wasn't something she expected. "It doesn't matter. Whatever the fuck he is, he shouldn't have done that to you." She was referring to both of the jackasses in a way. "Do you want to continue?" She didn't want to cause him any more harm.

He didn't want to, but he felt he should. "W-when I turned my back, h-he knocked me out. I d-don't how l-long I was out, but when I-I came around, I was t-tied to the b-b-bed," he struggled to get it out. He had started to shake in her arms. "P-please, don't. D-don't make me r-relive it. P-p-please." He didn't think he would be able to get it out. The memory scared the shit out of him. He could remember every detail, and every time he remembered it, it felt like it was happening again. He felt himself crying out for the Dalenian to stop, but the man wouldn't listen. He didn't think he could tell anyone what that man did to him. Sure, he knew Selek knew everything, well that was because he went inside his mind and saw the memory.

"I won't." She decided she wouldn't leave. She would stay at his side as long as he needed her. "Breathe, Jim. Please, breathe. In. Out. In. Out."

"Thank you," Jim muttered as he buried himself into her arms. He didn't know what it was about this woman, but he felt safe, wanted. He needed that. "H-he was with me for the w-whole night, which was r-rather long as D-Dalenius's days are l-longer than Earth's." There was another pause. "I was l-later found by the A-Admiral, who n-noticed I wasn't at brunch and came l-looking for me. He found me t-tied to the b-bed and knew I was r-r-raped." He was holding onto her shirt for dear life. "I-I…" He had nothing to say.

"I would assume the Dalenian was charged." The admiral wouldn't have allowed their captain to be raped and do nothing.

"He was." His breath had become hollowed. The trial was almost as bad as the event itself, and he didn't want to relive it either. He wanted to put the whole event behind.

"So the bastard is in jail." Aurelan had decided that it was the safest place for that man, because if she ever saw him, she would murder him. There was no doubt to that.

"No," he uttered. It was barely there.

"What?" She also jumped. What? How could that have happened?

"H-he got off, because apparently in his culture it wasn't r-rape. The Federation couldn't touch him unless they went against regulations." If he didn't know better, he would've thought he was bipolar as anger overtook him. He pushed away from her arms and stormed to the railing as if he was interested in jumping. "Who would've thought a leaf tied to a rock meant he was claiming me as his mate? How does a rock give someone permission to r-rape someone?" He was beyond pissed. He wanted to kill someone.

Aurelan was startled. "What?"

"And apparently I accepted his claim, because I allowed him to set it in front of me." His nails had started to dig into his flesh. "I had no right to deny him after I had 'accepted' it."

Her mind was working out everything that he was saying. "So what does that mean? Are you married to him now or something?" Did she have to go to Dalenius and kill someone to set Kirk free?

"It was close, but the Federation wasn't going to let that happen, or rather Admiral Pike wasn't going to let them. I don't recall much besides yelling." He didn't want to recall what those blasted Federation officials almost did. Jim looked up to the stars that now haunted him. He missed his ship, and yes, he still referred to it as his ship. "The Dalenius Council knew they couldn't enforce it because of my lack of knowledge of their culture; however, that didn't mean they didn't try. They offered the Federation everything they wanted, and I could tell they were tempted, but Pike turned them down without a second thought." Jim closed his eyes. "I'm thankful to that man." That man had done a great deal for James T. Kirk. He was like a father to him.

"Jim," she uttered. He didn't say it, but it sounded like the Federation almost sold him out. "Jim, is that why you quit?" She came up next to him.

"It wasn't the main reason." He really was bipolar. He went from freaking out to anger to just plain uncaring. "I resigned, because I was a danger to the Enterprise." He wasn't going to allow his ship to be weakened by his presence. "What good is a captain who could have a meltdown any second? I lost count to how many times I broke down in my quarters after leaving the bridge. That can't happen on the bridge or any time really." It killed him to leave the only place he felt at home. "Besides, you can't lead if your crew doesn't trust or respect you. That can get people killed. That couldn't be allowed that to happen. I care for my crew too much." There, he went again. He was depressed.

"Why wouldn't your crew trust nor respect you?" She doubted any crew would turn on their captain if he was raped. If they did, they didn't deserve to be a part of Starfleet.

"They didn't know I was r-raped. They all assumed I cheated…I don't want to say sided, but that is what they did." Besides, it was never good when there was a disconnection between the commanding officers.

"Jim… Why didn't you tell them?"

His head fell. "I didn't want them to know that I was weak. That I allowed myself to be r-raped. And in a way, I thought I had cheated on that fucken Bastard." He was pissed off at Spock for not giving him chance, for abandoning him. How dare he? He also wanted to beat the shit out McCoy. They were all bastards.

"It wasn't your fault." He shook his head in disbelief. "The fact that you went along with the trial proves you're a strong person!" She tried everything, and she wouldn't stop until she got him on the right path.

"Besides, why would I tell them? They all turned their backs on me." He turned and walked away. "I don't need them."

Jim was ten feet down the pier before she knew what had happened. "You don't mean that. I know you care about them, and you know, you can't be angry with them, if you didn't tell them. How could they have known?"

"They didn't have to jump to conclusions. They could've let me explained, but they didn't. I may like it hard, but not that hard," he commented. He wanted to get away. He needed to get away. He didn't want to talk about himself anymore. "I tried, but they didn't want to listen. They lost all right."

"You were their captain. You could've made them listen, and don't tell me they lost all right, because you still care. I can see it in your eyes!" she yelled, bring them both to a stop.

"No, I don't. I hate them."

"If you didn't care for them, you couldn't hate them." Jim was glaring. "You should go to the Federation party, or whatever it is. Do or don't go back to the Starfleet, but going to this party will give you closure, and you need closure. You need to tell that life goodbye." Aurelan was wise beyond her years.

"How do you know about that party?" He narrowed his eyes. He would be lying if he said this conversion didn't help him. Talking to Aurelan did help. Knowing that someone cared made him feel alive again.

"Sam."

"He needs to shut his mouth."

"You should go."

Jim didn't respond for a few seconds. He didn't know if he agreed just to shut her up, or to because he wanted to go "Fine, but I'm not going back to Starfleet. I'm only going back so I can beat the shit out of my old First Officer and my Chief Medical Officer, and there'll be Alcohol, free Alcohol." Maybe, this would be good for him. He needed to get pass this and live his life. He needed to stop the hell he was putting himself through. If he wasn't going to change for himself, he wasn't ever going to change. Talking to Aurelan was a step in the right direction, and now, he just needed to keep on the next direction.

* * *

In case, you were wondering about the planet I mention in this, I had made it up. Yes, I have research different planets, but none fit what I needed, so I thought it would be best to make up. I do hope that doesn't bug anyone of you too much.

I do hope you enjoy this chapter.

Cheers


	8. The Mistakes of the Mind

Time has escaped me, and I didn't realize it had been months since my last update, so to make up with that. I wrote an long chapter: about 10,250 words. So here it is. (Notes will be at the end, as I don't want to spoil anything, not that they would.)

And I do not own or make money off this story.

Enjoy

And oh, be warned. This has not been beta-ed. My beta could not get to this for two more weeks, and I wanted to get this out in a reasonable time.

* * *

Chapter 8

The Mistakes of the Mind**  
**

* * *

James T. Kirk really didn't know why he was here. He knew that he said he was going to go, but as he sat in the spaceport, he started to doubt his decision. Wait, let's face it, he doubted his decision the second he made it. It wouldn't help him, or so he thought. How could it help him, when he was so against the idea? Besides, why would he want to be near the crew of the Enterprise. Not only were they disrespectful (an unworthy trait in a Starfleet crew), they had turned their backs on him, without a chance to explain, so why should he give them a chance? They didn't need to know the truth. It wouldn't change anything; it wouldn't bring him back. Also, he didn't want to tell them, and he certainly didn't want their pity. He didn't think he would be able to take it, if they knew.

"What do you mean that there're no flights?"

He would be lying, if he said he didn't like it. The lack of a craft gave him an excuse. It wouldn't be his fault if he didn't make it. Jim picked up his head and looked toward Aurelan, who was arguing with the poor man behind the counter. He had been sitting there for hours, as she tried to arrange a flight to the gala. She came with him to the spaceport, because she knew he wouldn't do it himself, and she was right. Without her encouragement, there was no way in hell that he would be getting on any plane.

"That's unacceptable. I need a craft now, not three days from now," Aurelan hissed, leaning over the counter.

"The last flight left over an hour ago for the Dreon system, and there won't be another flight for a few days." The man looked like he had the day from hell.

"There has to be something!"

"There're no other civilian ships. I'm sorry," the man said.

Toning out the two, he stared at his black leather jacket before glancing around the port. It wasn't a busy day, but there was still a few people hanging around. A few families were present, but Jim wasn't watching them. Instead, he was watching the people in the uniforms. This spaceport wasn't just for civilian, looking to vacation off-planet; Starfleet also used this port for their ships. It wasn't largely used by Starfleet's ships; however, he didn't like it. He knew way too faces, and there was no doubt that they knew his. He didn't know why it mattered if they knew he was there, considering he was attending that stupid, bloody event for those new federal planets, or was it just the one planet. He wasn't sure of anything involving the event (like the name). He had no idea of where they were going. He was surprised that Aurelan knew, but he should've known better, considering she was a genius. If he were still a captain, he would want her on his ship. Her mind would come in handy.

But he wasn't a captain; he wouldn't need to worry about the quality of his crew. He didn't have to worry about his ship or lifesaving missions. No one's life hanged in his hand, and his consequences were (mostly) all his own. He was risking no one but his own… He dug deeper into himself. He didn't care about the difficulties that came with being a captain. He didn't care that he risked his life every single day. He didn't care about the stress. None of that matter to him, because he was doing something that mattered. His life was worth something when he was Captain.

_Calm down, Jim._ He told himself, as his breathing became shadow. Angry and angsty thoughts filled his head, affecting every fiber in his body. _Calm down,_ he told himself again. There was no telling what he may do when he was like this, but he did have an idea. No one was worthy of that monster, well besides McCoy and Spock. He took a deep breath. He needed to calm himself down. Picking up his head, he eyed the crowd, who weren't scarred like him. He was jealous, but he knew he had no one to blame except himself. It was his fault that he was here.

"It's settled."

Jim had literally jumped a few feet in the air. "What?" he muttered, setting himself back in his seat. He didn't see or sense her approach, which only meant he was losing his touch. Aurelan had a smile on her face, which seemed weird considering there no way they were getting to that thing, but Jim didn't mind.

"It's settled," she repeated.

* * *

After sending the assistant away so they could deal with the personal issue, silence had appeared. It didn't matter that they were father and son. It didn't matter that they shared blood. It didn't matter what they felt, because even Vulcans feel. Some would say that they felt more deeply than humans did; they just didn't wear their emotions like humans.

Spock didn't know how to start a conversation with his father that wasn't business. It didn't matter what he was feeling, when he left Selek. The minute he saw his father he lost all fight. There was something about his father that made him feel like a child, a useless child. He hated that feeling, but it couldn't compare to how much he hated himself for what he did to Jim.

"What is on your mind, Spock?" Sarek asked, breaking the silence. Keeping the silent would be a waste of time, and it would be illogical to let it go on, even with the situation.

The question sat for a few seconds. There were many things on his mind, but Jim Kirk was main focus. Spock was tempted to say that it would be unwise to unleash his mind, but speaking his mind was the main purpose of his visit. He wanted, or rather demanded, to know why Kirk went to his father and not him. "Jim Kirk."

Sarek's expression did not change. "What about Kirk?" As any father would, he had a vision of what he wanted for his son: his son bonded with a female Vulcan from a noble family. He knew it would never happen, as it wasn't his path. Spock never belonged on Vulcan, where everyone treated him with disgust. He wished that he could change the past, but he could not.

Spock stepped forward. "Why did Kirk come to you?"

"That conversation is none of your concern," he answered. He never had anything against the young man; in fact, it was the opposite. He did like Kirk, even if he never admitted it. He was a wise, respectable, honest man, but he wasn't the person he saw his son with; however, Kirk had all the characteristics for a good mate. "Meditation would be wise, Spock."

He was never Vulcan enough for his father. "I am not a child. Do not tell me what to do." He was on a mission.

"It seems that someone has to. You are being emotional."

Anger had started to flow through his veins. "Why did Kirk come to you after he was raped?"

Though Spock's anger was present in his voice, it wasn't what stroke Sarek. Spock sounded weak as he voiced the true. "He wished to tell me himself that your relationship was over," he said, not bothering to ask how he knew. It would serve no purpose.

"I never realized that you were speaking." Anger never suited a Vulcan.

Sarek turned from his son. "Kirk is an honorable man, a suitable husband for any person." He paused. "He wished for me know the truth. He believed I had a right to know that…how did he put it, my son 'was up for grabs.' He assumed that I would be happy about your relationship ended. 'Now, you can hook him up with a Vulcan like you always wanted to,' he told me. " After a few seconds of silence, he turned back to his son and spoke; "I did not believe that." He believed Kirk was good for his son. "You had done Kirk a great wrong, and I am ashamed of you." He had started to consider Kirk family.

"Father," Spock uttered, as his anger left him.

"Leave me."

"…Yes, father," he replied. Though Sarek never really answered his question, he knew the answer. Kirk was noble, and he was not. Kirk had done right by his father, as he had not. Spock left the room without another word and went straight to his room. Selek was not waiting for his return, but Spock knew the old Vulcan had other things to attend to; however, that wasn't comforting. Spock felt alone, completely alone.

* * *

It took a few seconds for what Aurelan was telling him to sink it. It wasn't that he doubted her skills. He just never expected her to be able to secure a flight, but apparently, that was the case. He wasn't sure how she was able to, but he knew he didn't want to know. "So I hope your soul was worth it," he teased. He was still curious. He doubted that Aurelan had the money to charter a flight, not that he put it past her.

She laughed. "I didn't sell my soul, and I wouldn't just to get your ugly ass to that Federation Event. Sorry, I like you, but I don't like you that much."

"Ouch," he chuckled. He really did chuckle. Though she had 'insulted' him, he was enjoying her company. He missed the friendships- not the people- that he had on the Enterprises. He missed the banter. He missed the jokes. He missed the laughs. He was grateful to Aurelan for giving him the laughs. "And my ass is not ugly. I can give you about," he paused, as if to count, "forty people who would disagree with you."

"They don't count if they slept with you," she joked.

Sam was an idiot, and if Jim ever saw him again, he would tell him that he shouldn't have let her go…He would also tell him that he was sorry. He was wrong, and he wanted his brother back. Shaking the thought out of his head, he smirked. "I only slept with about half of them, but there are at least twenty people, who I didn't, that would agree with me." Sure, most people who had seen his ass had slept with him, but there were a few incidences where it was an accident. He never expected that a girl at his high school would decide to dare the whole cheerleading team to run through the male locker-room, when he had just dropped his pants. He never expected his brother to depants him at a school dance. He never expected McCoy to invite people over at the same time that he had decided to dance around the dorm room naked. He never expected Cadet (at the time) Uhura and a few of her friends to steal all of the cloths and towels in the changing room, making him run naked back to his dorms. He also never expected to lose at strip poker one night on the Enterprise. He never expected any of these things to happen, but he did have a laugh at them. "However, they did want to sleep with me after seeing my beautiful ass." At times, Jim had quite the ego.

She narrowed her eyes at him. "I bet you couldn't wait to sleep with them."

"Hey, hey, you make me sound like a whore," he joked, but the word strung as it came out. He knew there were a few people, who thought that about him, and he hated to think that he had lost his two closet friends over something like that, but he had no one to blame besides himself. He was the one, who decided he was going to give a relationship a chance; he should've known it wouldn't have worked out. He would still be on the Enterprise, regardless of the rape, if he never dated Spock. No one would've thought he was a cheater. "I was just passing out the joy."

They both laughed at that, knowing it was all a joke. She didn't think he was whore, and he knew that. "Anyways, our ship is leaving in a few minutes, so we better start heading to the transporter."

Making sure his jeans sit properly, Jim stood up slowly (pulling them up as he stood) and threw his bag over his shoulder. "Wait. Did you say we?" He never expected her to come with him, not when she had a job, an important job.

Aurelan smiled. "You didn't think I would let you go alone, now did you?" He nodded. "I couldn't let you face this alone," she said, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go." They started to walk.

This woman was something else. He didn't know what, but he would guess that she was an angel. She was everything that he needed, and he would be forever grateful to her. "So if you didn't sell your soul for my ass, how did you get a flight? There're no more citizen ships," he asked, eyeing the place.

"Keyword, citizen."

He froze. "What?" He had no interest in stepping a foot on a Starship. It would be too painful. "No."

"Jim," she muttered, as she placed a hand on his shoulder.

Shaking it off, he stared deep into her eyes. "NO, I'll NOT step foot on a Starfleet vessel, not after what happened." How could she even think that?

Aurelan knew it was risky, but they had no other choice in the matter. There was only ship leaving Earth for the Dreon system in time, and it was the U.S.S. Constellation. "Jim, I know it isn't the best, but it will get us there."

He knew that he was being stupid. Why would it matter that he was traveling on a Starfleet vessel, when he was going to a Federation Event, where there would be tons of Starfleet Officers? Maybe, it was the fact that he disliked Starfleet now. Maybe, it was the fact that he really did miss being captain. His head fell. That was part of it, but it could be the fact that the ship was the same class as the Enterprise. They were too much alike for his tastes. "No," he said, taking a step back from Aurelan.

He was so close to running, but he couldn't. He was so sick of being weak, of running away. Why did he have to be like this? Why had his strength disappeared? He used to captain a whole damn ship, without fear, but now he was afraid of his own shadow. He was too worried about making a mistake. He wanted to crawl into a whole and just die, well not die per se. It was this that he knew it was a good thing that he resigned, thinking about his present state. A captain needed to be strong and perfect, which he was not.

"I don't know what's going through your head, but-"

"Let me think," he said. His breathing was stressed. Was he going to let fear control him _again_? Was he going to let that bastard control him, even now? No, he wasn't. It was time that things changed, even if he didn't have an idea of how he was going to do that, but for starters, he wasn't going to let his fear stop him. He was in control of himself, no one else. It was his life.

"We don't have time for you to think. The U.S.S. Constellation is leaving in a few minutes." She doubted that they would leave without them, but she didn't want to push their luck. It was good fortune that she even got them to agree to it. She knew it had to do with the fact that one of them was Jim Kirk. It seemed like they really wanted him to attend the event. She knew nothing of politics, but it played a part it this.

Jim picked up his head and nodded.

Aurelan smiled.

* * *

Thought it had become a standard thing and somewhat annoying, he did at times enjoy his atoms being ripped apart from each other, while beaming aboard a ship. Beaming turned him into a philosopher as he contemplated what life was really like, and how easily it could be taken apart.

Beaming was in no way a simple process, and it could turn deadly at any seconds as atoms fused back together. (Many people had lost their lives, because the machine was 'acting up.') There was no telling what could happen if something were to happen during a beaming; however, Jim still enjoyed it. Thought it was a puzzling and strange feeling to have your atoms arranged into light, it was refreshing. It took the whole wind in your hair to a completely new level. He smiled as he felt his Atoms start stir (though there was really no feeling); it brought back pleasant memories of his time on the Enterprise (before the evil, evil event). It gave him hope or rather it fooled him into thinking that everything was fine, thought it wasn't no matter what anyone thought.

Though it only lasted mere seconds, it felt like heaven. He didn't want to open his eyes as he felt his senses returning, but he couldn't just stand there with his eyes closed. Forcing his cerulean eyes open, the transporter room was revealed to him. At first, he didn't notice the crew, who eyed him curiously, as they wondered why the famous Captain had retired. His pleasant sensation from the beaming vanished as he took in the room. He felt betrayed at the sight of this room. The U.S.S. Constellation was a constitution class starship just like the U.S.S. Enterprise, meaning they were constructed under the same design. Though the Enterprise was a newer (in order words more advanced) ship, there were differences, but overall the ships looked simpler, and that applied to this very room. It reminded Jim all too much of the Enterprise.

Stepping off the transport pad, he turned his attention to the officers. There were a total of four officers: three red shirts (who operated the controls), and one gold shirt (who was the Captain of the ship). Jim knew this, because he knew the man personally. "Hello, Captain Kirk."

His name brought him out of his thoughts. "There's no need for that, Captain Decker," he responded. "I'm no longer a Captain." He would be lying if he said it didn't hurt.

Decker stared at Jim for a few seconds before he let his smile show. "You may no longer be Captain of a ship, but you'll always be a Captain."

Jim didn't know if he agreed with that. He would need to have some stability in his life for that to be true. "In any case, you can just call me Kirk. I need no title," he responded, deciding not to address it.

"Alright," he responded. "If that's what you liked." It was common practice to address a retired officer by his or her rank. It was a sign of respect.

"It is," Jim said, eyeing Decker. He had met the thirty something man four years ago, just after he had joined Starfleet. Pike had made Jim attend a summit (because he thought he would learn something) in which Decker was present; however, meeting the man wasn't something he expected. Decker, shore leave at the time, wasn't invited to speak, but he had something to say. He was strongly interested in the summit topic and he felt like Starfleet was mistaken in this area. In the end, Decker made some enemy as he spoke out, loudly; however, that was what attracted Jim to him, which was something that Pike didn't like.

Decker eyed him for a second, remembering the rebellious Captain Kirk. His eyes shifted the companion, who had remained forgotten until then. "So you must be Ms. Swift. You had been quite the nuisance." His smile revealed that he wasn't annoyed.

"I wouldn't say I'm a nuisance," Aurelan muttered. "I knew what I wanted, and I went for it." Eyeing the man, she pushed her brunette curls behind her head.

"Well, you caused quite a stir," Decker commented, taking a few steps toward her. He stared at her for a few seconds, before turning to Jim. "But we were already acting like a transport service for Deon," he commented, slapping Jim's shoulder. "So, we were able to help out."

Aurelan put on her best smile. "Thank you."

"It was no problem," Decker said, pulling Jim into his arms. "Anything for this man."

Jim fought the growl that was in his throat. Decker was always like this, but it hadn't ever been this annoying before. It didn't have anything to do with Decker, but rather, it was Jim's overactive emotions. He was really getting sick of them, tired of them controlling him. "Well, thanks, Decker," Jim teased. "I always wondered if you liked me." He forced out a laugh, which sparkled Decker into laugher.

"I miss you, kid," the Captain commented, placing a firm grab on his shoulder. "Let's me walk you to your quarters, and Ensign Farrell, can you show Ms. Swift to her room."

"Yes, Sir."

Jim knew what that meant. Decker wanted to talk to him, and it was something personal, but he didn't have much choice. Decker was able to direct him without trouble out of the transport room, after he had contact his number one telling him that they were clear to leave.

There wasn't much conversation between them as they walked through the Constellation. Kirk was too busy staring at the ship that reminded him of the Enterprise, and Decker was staring at him, as if he was studying him. There was a lot of mystery around his leave, sparking many rumors (most weren't pretty). Decker knew Kirk well enough to know that none of the rumors were true, though. He doubted that Kirk would really do half of those things, and he seriously doubted that Kirk was dying of some rare alien STDS. It had to be something else, because there was no way that that could've killed Kirk's spirit. He wouldn't have quit over that, so it had to be something much worse.

By the time they had reached the assigned quarters, many things had crossed Decker's mind. That was his problem: he thought too much. He should let things die. If the kid didn't want to talk about it, he shouldn't make him. Besides, he had other things to worry about, but that didn't explain why he was still there. "Here we go, Kirk," he said, showing him in. "It isn't like the Captain's quarters-not that they're anything great, but you know."

Kirk laughed. "I know, Captain." Stepping farther into the room, he took it in. "It'll be just fine." It was hard to judge what he was thinking, as he dropped his small bag on the bed. It was small room, but it had everything that he needed: a desk, computer, bed, and its own bathroom. The bed was cattycorner from the desk, while the bathroom was across from the desk. A dresser, which Kirk probably wouldn't use, set next to the desk.

"Well then, I'm glad you like it. I wasn't sure if it was big enough for your ego," he teased, trying to get something out of the man.

"What is it with people and attacking my ego? There's nothing wrong with a planet size ego. Now, a solar system ego is another story."

Decker didn't know how to ask it, but he was interested in Kirk's story. "Some could disagree with that." How could someone approach that topic? Shaking his head, he decided to drop it for another time. He had time; it would take about 22.5 hours to arrive at the colony, where the event was being held. "Alright, I'll-"

"You know you can just split it out. I promise I won't bite."

The Captain started at Kirk's head, wondering if he was overly readable. "There's no fooling you."

"Nope," he said with a second of hesitation. "Now, what is it?"

Decker knew he had to step carefully. He really hated moments like these; he never knew what to say. Somehow someway, he always ended up with a foot in his mouth. "Why did you leave Starfleet?"

The young man walked to the monitor in the room, which showed the emptiness of space. "The million dollar question. That was what I thought you were going to ask." Kirk looked up and smiled at Decker; it was a weak smile.

"Kirk," Decker muttered, trying to get a reading on the situation. It was clear he didn't want to talk about it and he wasn't going to force him.

"Would you believe me if I said it was stress for being promoted too soon?"

It was a clear lie. He knew firsthand how hard being a captain was, but he knew the second he saw Kirk that there was nothing that could stop him. The Enterprise's record spoke to that. Kirk was unstoppable. "If you say it is, then yes," he answered, knowing it was the answer that Kirk wanted. He wasn't sure if it was what he need, but he knew it wouldn't do any good to push the boy.

There was something in his eyes that Decker couldn't read, when he made eye contact with Kirk. "Thank You." Decker stared at him for a few seconds. This boy (who was far from being a boy) was something else.

"Bridge to Decker." The words brought both them back to reality.

"Decker here," he replied after a second. He had other things to worry about, and it was calling.

* * *

He knew Decker was going to ask him that question the second he walked him to his quarters. Sure, they were friends, but that didn't mean that a Captain walked civilians to their rooms. Captains had other important things to do with their times, so it was clear that Decker wanted to talk. Jim hated it when people wanted to talk about _it_, but he was glad that he didn't push. Pushing would mean it was still there. He just wanted to forget about it. Move on. Be his old self again. "I need…I need to get over this," Jim muttered to himself. "Anyway possible."

It was a dangerous thing to think along those lines; with those words, a person allowed themselves to do almost anything. At this point, Jim _was_ willing to do anything to forget about _it_. "I wonder," he muttered as he lay in bed, staring at the stars on the monitor. He had toyed with the idea of asking Selek to ease the memory of _it_, but he never put much thought into it afterwards. Though he doubted the old Vulcan would do that, he still wondered. Selek had done a great deal for him. Maybe, he would do this for him.

He rolled to his side, away from the monitor. He stared at the metal walls as he thought about Selek. _Why couldn't Spock be like him?_ They were the same person, but they were different. Maybe, it came with old age, or maybe, it had to do with Jim's counterpart. That Kirk must've trained Selek well, and Jim thanked his counterpart for that. He didn't know what would've happened, if Selek wasn't there for him. When he first called Selek, he thought he was being a burden to the old Vulcan, who had other things to worry about that were more important than he, so he didn't called after that, but Selek called him the next day. It surprised Jim at first, but Selek convinced him that he wasn't a burden and that he deeply cared for him. He called him every day that Jim didn't. It meant a lot to Jim, and it was what had gotten him through his final days on the Enterprise. He kept Jim going, because he didn't want to let him down, like everyone else.

Grabbing his pillow, he pulled it over his head. "Ugh!" He hated the last month on the Enterprise. He hated how he felt, and even with Selek's consistent calling, he felt alone. Sure, he felt alone in Iowa during those weeks he spend there, but it was nothing compared to what he felt on the Enterprise, his home. He had no one to turn to, when he needed it. They had all turned away from him…not all, but it felt like it. Chekov and Scotty were some of the few that didn't. He didn't confided in them, but talking to them about news or Enterprise related items helped. They didn't push for anything else, because they knew if he wanted to talk about it, he would. For that, he was grateful. They were probably the reason why he stayed as long as he did.

Tossing and turning in his bed, he tried to get some sleep, but his mind kept him up, as it wondered to Sarek. He didn't know why his brain flashed to him, but he wondered what went through that Vulcan's mind, when he told him what had happened. Unlike with Spock or Selek, he couldn't read that Vulcan. "Ugh," he muttered again. Why did he care? Why care now? He knew there was a chance he could see him soon, considering everyone was invite to this thing. (At least, he could see Selek again.)

Settling on his back, he stared up to the ceiling as he tried to organize his thoughts. _"Your son's up for grabs." _The words replayed over in his head. Those words were the first thing that Jim said to Sarek as he opened his door. There was no expression on the old Vulcan's face as Jim said those words, but he knew that there was something going on in that impressive mind.

Just a few days before the rape trial, the Enterprise had stopped at New Vulcan to pick up Selek, who had requested transport to Earth. According to the really old Vulcan, he had business on Earth, but Jim knew the truth. He wanted to be there with him as he took the stand, in which Jim was grateful. He would've never asked himself, but it seemed like Selek knew what he needed. Anyways, with the help of Scotty, Jim beamed down to New Vulcan just before Selek was beam aboard without anyone knowing, so he could talk to Sarek in person. He wanted to tell him himself that his relationship was over and he could now offer up his son to some random Vulcan chick.

"Ugh," he muttered yet again. The only thing that Sarek gave off was the guessing eye, as he spoke to him. _"James Kirk, your lack of matters is appalling." _He threw his arms over his eyes, as he thought about that day. He would be lying if he said he was cheerful and inviting that day. He wasn't a nightmare, but he was very close to it.

_"I don't care about my manners at the moment."_ Thinking back on it, he wished he'd acted differently. He knew if someone had come to his door when he was like that, he would've told him to fuck off and not invite him in. Somehow for some reason, Sarek had invited him.

_"They are what separate us from animals."_ Jim knew Sarek was right, but that didn't help the situation. It really did not. Everything was building up at that point.

His hand flung to his side looking for the pillow to cover his face. _"Well, then you should be happy that Spock and I had broken up; now, you can hook him up with a Vulcan, with manners, like you always wanted to."_ He pulled the pillow over his face, as so many thoughts floated through his mind. He just wanted to sleep, but it seemed that his mind was too worked up.

_Sarek expression softened. "I was unaware that Spock and you had ended your courtship."_ Even now, Jim was surprised that Spock never told his father, though he knew Spock and Sarek didn't have a good relationship, even after the destruction of Vulcan. However, he expected Spock to tell his father, as he had told everyone else (not that he told anyone. His actions spoke volume.)

There wasn't much to say in response. _"What?"_ Jim grabbed the pillow and threw it against the wall, and hid under the blanket, which gave some kind of comfort. Why hadn't he told his father about their breakup? Could it have been to avoid the 'I told you so?' Jim shook his head. Spock wasn't like that…

_"Spock has not informed me of this," Sarek said, as he studied Jim. _He could never understand why Vulcans felt the need to repeat themselves after someone had spouted the word what.

_"Of course, he didn't!" Jim shook his head, as he went off into string of curse words. _He didn't know what Sarek thought of him, but he didn't want him to think too badly of him. _It took a few seconds for him to calm down. "He's an idiot."_

_Sarek had given him a questioning look, knowing that his son was not stupid. "Spock has an IQ of-"_

"_I know! I meant that he's…" Jim paused, trying to find a word that would explain. "I know he isn't stupid, just an idiot." Another questioning look. " I mean… Ah!" The Vulcan had Jim talking in circles, which ended with Jim telling him the truth. "He believed I cheated on him, but I didn't. I… was r-raped." His voice was small. _Rape was a serious crime in the federation, but in the Vulcan culture, it was worse, ten times wore. He shook his head under the blanket as he skipped forward into the conversion. _"I know you don't like me, but I expected more from you." Jim had mutterer, after receiving little feedback from him._

_"You were not the one I saw my son with, but I never desired this," Sarek commented. It was clear that he was taken back, but Jim was blinded to it._

_"So what did you desire?" Jim asked, as anger rose inside of him. He had started for the door. He heard something out of Sarek's mouth, but he couldn't make it out as he stormed out. _

After pulling the blanket from his head, his stare returned to the monitor. He didn't know why he thought going to see him would help. It didn't do anything but make him feel worse. "Why? Why do I care?" he asked, wondering again, why he was thinking about this. It didn't affect him anymore. As he thought about it, he didn't notice his eyes lid fall, and darkness over take him.

* * *

Having not spoken to Jim since the accident, Selek had decided to hail him at his home address again. He disliked not having talked to Jim in such a long time, especially when Jim's emotions were all over the place. It was dangerous to leave Jim alone at this time. Selek had tried to call before but he was either never home or someone else answered, like Winona Kirk. He didn't know her very well in his time, but she was different. If he didn't know better, he would have thought that she was a completely different person. In this time, she wasn't his biggest fan, which showed in the hospital, but he did not understand why.

There were a few minute delays before his hail went through, but it came with being on a starship. The security was high, but that was expected. When the call connected, it rang for a few minutes, but Selek waited patiently, giving time for Jim to answer. After a few seconds, he sighed, not reaching him again, and stood from the chair. If this kept up, he would make a trip to Earth to check on Jim. He would-could-not let anything happen to Jim.

However, he might not have to make the trip, as his call was taken. Making his way over to monitor, he was delighted that it wasn't Winona, but to his dislike, it wasn't Jim either. If his memory was correct, it was Sam, his brother, who had died by neural parasite in his time. It was a relief to see him alive. After a weird exchanging of greeting, Selek spoke, "I wish to talk to Jim Kirk."

"He's not here," Sam said, as he looked over the Vulcan.

Selek wondered if he was like his mother and lying about Jim's location. He had no idea why Winona disliked him; it was quite illogical. He stared at the man, trying to read his expression. His time with humans had equipped him for reading human's expression.

"I'm not lying. Unlike my mother, I don't care who talks to Jim. He's a grown man."

"I was not implying that you were." Selek's glance left Sam and wandered around the background. The house looked like it hadn't seen a cleaning instrument in months.

Sam folded his hands across his chest. "I could see your doubt." He shifted as in annoyance.

Selek took a breath, pondering if he had lost his touch. He knew Jim had no trouble reading him, but that was a different story. "I did not mean to offend. I only wished to speak to Jim. If you only-"

"I do not know where he is," he said, cutting him off.

"When he comes back, can you give him a message?" He did not know how reliable Sam Kirk was, but he would leave a message, in the hopes (as illogical as it was) that he would hear it.

"No."

Selek narrowed his eyes. He really didn't understand humans, granted that he was half-human. "May I inquire why not? I do not see why you are keeping me from contacting Jim."

Sam's expression changed. "I'm not my mother, and I find it insulting that you would assume that I would withhold calls from my baby brother." His tone clearly revealed how annoyed he was. "…I can't give him your message, because I don't know where he is. He just took off a few days ago."

"I did not mean insult. I was simply-"

Once again, Sam cut him off. "It's fine. I'm just grumpy. It's this situation. I didn't mean to take it out on you." Releasing a sigh, he took a breath. "I'm the reason why Jim took off. We got into a huge fight…Our tempers got the better of us. It's a trait of us Kirk man." He paused. "I hate myself for what I said to him, and I wish I could take it back, but… Jim took off to god knows were, and I doubt that he's coming back." Sam shook his head. "I was an idiot. I should've beaten Frank, not Jim. The shit he was saying to Jim. What kind of big brother am I?"

The old Vulcan could never understand why humans would just spout off to a random stranger, especially a Vulcan. Though he never expected it, he was interested in Sam's comments about Frank and Jim.

Sam looked at Selek, with a puzzling expression. "I don't know what Jim went through before his resignation from Starfleet, but I know it was bad. I recognized the pain in Jim's eyes. I doubted you will tell me what it was." Sam took a deep breath, as if he was waiting for Selek to jump in. "I also don't know why my mother dislikes you, because you must care for Jim. Vulcans don't befriend easy, and for Jim to gain that, he must mean something important to you. I wouldn't keep him from you. You could easy kill me, with that super Vulcan's strength." He chuckled

Selek knew Jim and his brother had a strained relationship at best, but to hear the older Kirk say this, he knew he cared for his brother.

"If I hear from my brother, I'll tell him you called."

"Thank you," Selek responded. It wasn't what he expected, but he was grateful. With that, Selek closed the feed.

Standing from the desk chair, he walked over his mat. He needed mediation after that conversion. He was more worried for Jim than before, if that was possible, and now he wondered what his stepfather said to him. He wished he could speak to Jim and check his welfare. He disliked being disconnected with Jim. He had the desired to kidnap (not that he expected resistance) Jim and bring him back to New Vulcan, where he could keep an eye on him. Steadying his breaths, he relaxed himself, and he closed his eyes, thinking about that.

A few hours later, Selek opened his eyes to a ding at his door. Standing up, he walked over to the door and opened it to reveal McCoy. At first, he was surprised, but he knew no one else would come to his door, well besides Pitts or Sarek. "Hello, Doctor."

"Selek," he responded in his southern accent. "May I come in?"

"You may." Selek stepped to side, letting McCoy entered. McCoy from his time would've just entered, with some insult that he didn't mean (well half of the time). Studying the good Doctor, he could tell the man was stress and hadn't slept. From that, he knew what he wanted. "This is about Jim," he stated after the door had closed.

"You bet your Vulcan ass, it is." McCoy stared at him.

"I do not know where he is." It was the truth.

"But I bet you've spoken to him."

Selek walked past him to his desk. "Yes, but it been over a month since our last conversion."_ And it had not ended well._ His mind flashed back to the hospital.

McCoy followed him. "Tell me."

"Tell you what, Doctor?"

"What happened to him and whether he's okay?"

Selek turned to face him, speculating about the consequences that would be if he told him. Spock knew, so it would make logical sense that McCoy would know soon; however, that was balancing on a few things. In this time, he was not sure of Spock and McCoy's relationship. Were they even on speaking terms? His McCoy and he hardly got along. And, it also depended on Spock's emotional status at the moment. "Jim is as expected."

"Really? That's how you're going to respond?" McCoy threw his hands in the air. "You can't find another response? I know he's as expected, considering that's what Starfleet has been telling me for weeks. I just want to know what happened to my friend. Is that too much to ask?" He had started to pace around the room. To Selek, he looked like a human animal, the bull.

"I suggest you rest. Your body will shut down without the necessities, like sleep." Selek was convinced that he should wait. He needed to talk to Jim, before he took his next step.

The doctor stopped and narrowed his eyes at Selek. "Sleep? Who could fucken sleep? My friend's missing. Sure, I know I had done a lot to lose the ability to call Jim my friend, but I still worry about that infant."

"You have."

McCoy stepped to the Vulcan. "You don't need to remind me! I just want to know if Jim's okay!"

Lying was never his strong suit, but he knew the answer that McCoy needed. He would give it to him for his sanity as well as Jim's. Though Jim would never admit it, he still cared foe McCoy. (If he didn't, he wouldn't be so angry with him.) He wouldn't want to see him like this. "He's adapting well."

The man snorted. "I doubt that. Being Captain was his dream."

"It was, but things have changed. It is time that you accept that and move on, Mr. McCoy."

"I'll when I see him face to face."

Selek felt sorry for the man, no matter how illogical it was. "He does not wish to see or talk to you. You need to worry about this ship and not your illogical emotional attachment to Jim."

If it was possible, McCoy exploded. It was amazing that he hadn't hit the old Vulcan yet. "That wasn't what you told Spock…Urgh... And, I'll care about Jim to the day I die!"

His words had ranged in Selek's head. "It was true that there was something more to the memory, but it was not the answer you wanted." He believed he was digging the hole that most humans talked about. The true would come out, now that Spock knew, and there was nothing that he would do to stop it. McCoy would find out, but at least he would be rested. "If you care about Jim, then take care of yourself. I would doubt that he would want you in this state."

"Fine, whatever! Don't help," McCoy yelled as he stormed out of the room.

Selek took a deep breath, wondering he had done the right thing.

* * *

He rolled to his side, starting to wake. It took a few minutes to regain his senses, and he was amazed how relaxed he was. Jim hadn't slept this well in a long time, and it brought a smile to his face. Slowing opening his eyes, he faced the wall, not wanting to move. He felt this comfortable, and half of him wondered if it had to do with the ship. The Enterprise could always 'rock' him to sleep in ways that nothing else could.

Jim had no desired to leave the warm comfort of the bed, and he had no reason to leave, which brought another smile to his face. He had nowhere to be at the moment, and he enjoyed that feeling. He could lie in bed as long as he wanted. That made it more comfortable and relaxing. The thoughts of last night (Was it last night? He wasn't sure, considering he had no idea of how long he was out, and they were in space) didn't even cross his mind. He had no worry in the world; it was freeing.

Rotating to his other side, his eyes wondered around his room. It took him a second to realize that there was something in his room that wasn't there before he fell asleep. Jumping to a sitting position, he froze, as a pair of eyes seized him. He didn't know what to do. He was starting to freak out. Who the hell was in his room? He couldn't see very well, but the eyes were clear as day. "Hello," he said, with best effort not to sound weak.

"I was wondering when you're going to wake up. You've been out since you got here, 12 hours ago."

The first thought that passed his mind was wow. He had no idea that he slept that long, which was something he wasn't even been able to do. He remembered only two times, when that happened, and that was because he was exhausted. He hadn't been sleeping well, since leaving the Enterprise. That wasn't surprising as it was home. Second was the owner of the voice. He knew the person, who he hadn't seen in a while. "Gary Mitchell, it has been awhile," Jim replied.

"It has." Gary turned away to turn and to the monitor.

Jim kicked his legs over the bed, happy that he had fallen asleep wearing clothes. This situation would've been awkward if he hadn't. "I didn't know you were serving on this ship. Heck, I didn't know you graduated yet."

"Yep." He turned back to Jim, as he stood up. "I been station on this ship for a few months."

"Really."

"So, Jim, do you want to have a tour of the ship, not that you need it, as you were Captain of an constitution class yourself, but you might enjoy getting out of this room," Gary said, changing the subject. "I know I wouldn't want to be stuck in my room for ten hours. I-"

"You're rambling." Jim said, standing. Straightening himself out, he wondered what was up with Gary. He normally wasn't like this.

"Sorry."

Jim waved him off. "Let's go." He had the weird feeling that he wasn't going to like the conversion, as they walked out of his quarters.

* * *

After Jim had pushed the weirdness of the day away, he was able to enjoy the tour of the Constellation. Gary seemed to really enjoy giving the tour, which spoke volumes to how much he loved the ship. Jim could understand, as he loved the Enterprise. There were a few major differences which Jim noticed; one was the science labs. On the Enterprise, the labs were more expansive, meaning simply that they were much larger; however, that was not to say that the Constellation Science department wasn't impressive, because it was, which was why Aurelan had took refuge there. Jim was surprised at first to find her there, but he could see the joy on her face. She was a child in a candy store. He made sure that his and Gary's arrival was left unnoticed by her. He didn't want to bother her, knowing from his prior relationship that she would not want to be bothered, while in the lab.

Instead of bugging Aurelan, Gary took him to engineering, which was also different. Though the speeds of both ships were even, the engines were of a different design. As the Constellation was built sooner, it didn't originally have speed the Enterprise had, and it had to be upgraded. After that, Gary took him to others labs, but they didn't spend as much time in those labs. Lastly, Gary had asked him if he wanted to see the Bridge, assuming that Decker wouldn't mind, but Jim had turned him down. He had no interest of stepping foot on any bridge and seeing the captain's chair, even if it wasn't _his_ chair.

After the 5.45 hour tour (It was a large ship), Jim and Gary found themselves in one of few observation decks. Jim was staring intently at the stars that were far more impressive than he remembered. Gary was sitting on one the benches, staring at Jim's head.

"So why did you do?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.

Jim had been wondering when he was going to be asked that question. He didn't think Gary would wait this long, but maybe, he thought that he would get a better response after the tour. "So was this why you creepily came to my quarters and watched me sleep?" That still bugged him. Who stared at a person so intently like that, when they were sleeping?...Someone came to mind.

Gary narrowed his eyes. "I didn't mean to watch you sleep," he said harshly. "You didn't answer, so I came in to see if you were okay. You were okay, as far as I could tell."

"So why did you stay?" Jim turned his head slightly.

Gary stood and took a step toward Jim. "You looked close to waking up."

Shaking his head, Jim decided not to respond to that. There was something that Gary said that stroke him. "Why didn't you think I was okay?" he asked, as he turned to Gary.

"You resigned your post."

Jim stared at Gary for a few seconds as he tried to wrap his mind around what Gary had just said. "How does that make me less than okay?" He had no idea of how the Enterprise responded to his resignation. Did they wonder what happened to him? Were they worried? He doubted it.

Gary opened his month for a second, before deciding to close it. A few seconds later, he opened his mouth again, "Only an insane person would give up the Enterprise as insanity would be the only reason, being medically unable."

"…You think I'm insane? Really? How long have you known me? Why do you think I would give up something that valuable, if it wasn't for the best? My leadership would only end in terror. I couldn't let anything happen to that ship!" Jim was in Gary's face. It blew his mind that he think that. They had been friends for years. He should've known that Jim wouldn't have done anything to put anyone in danger. His happiness and desires meant nothing if someone else was going to pay for it. Sure, he cheated, but that was different than putting someone's life in danger.

The two men stared deep into each other's eyes. "And you think resigning would help your crew? What are you afraid of?" If it was possible, Gary stepped closer to Jim. "Maybe, it's a good thing. A ship needs a strong Captain, someone like me. Someone who doesn't abandon his crew."

Jim's hands balled. It wasn't that Jim didn't think Gary couldn't lead, but he wasn't really for it. "Greed for power isn't something you desire in a Captain."

"I think you're just jealous."

"Jealous?" Jim said, backing up from Gary. He wasn't jealous in the least bit. "You think I'm jealous?" he asked pointing at himself.

"You had always been better than me, and now that I'm the one on top, you can't stand it."

"You're crazy!" Jim turned from him and back to the window. "You've nothing that I want."

"Don't I?" Gary crossed to Jim and stepped in front of him. "Look at you. You've a past, while I have a future." He paused. "You're Jealous."

"I'm not!" Jim said, pinning Ensign Gary Mitchell into the glass. He stared him down, but there was doubt in his mind. Was Gary right?

"I don't know why you would be," he commented, grabbing on Jim's hands. "You can have it all, but you know what, you won't. You won't risk it all. You're a scared puppy dog. What happened to the Jim I knew? The Jim that I played pranks with. The Jim that risked everything. The Jim that saved earth."

"I'm still here," he growled.

Gary narrowed his eyes. "It doesn't look like it."

Jim pushed Gary harder into the glass, saying nothing. What could he say? Gary was right. He was just an empty shell that he once was. He was just going through the steps of living. He knew he had to get over this, and live. He needed to escape from the darkness that held him. Jim's hold loosened on his old friend, enabling Gary to break away. "I'm here," he whispered, wondering for the first time if he made the right choice. Was it right to leave the Enterprise? To give up?

Gary stared at Jim. "Prove it," He said, before walking to the door and pausing. He glanced back. Jim turned to Gary, making eye contact for a brief second before leaving without saying another word. Jim was left alone to his thoughts, which were in a state of confusion.

The Constellation was due to arrive in 20 minutes. The planet had its own orbiting spaces ports, much like the ones around earth. Everyone had started to prepare for docking, well besides Jim. Jim hadn't left the observation deck. Sitting down in the corner, he leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. He wasn't sleepy, but it was relaxing, and he needed it, after the conversation with Gary. He had so much stuff going through his head, and only the stars could help him. They had calmed him in ways that he didn't think possible.

The stars were the reason why he stayed for four hours; besides, he had nowhere better to be. He didn't want to bother Aurelan, as he felt that he had bothered her enough. If he found himself to be annoying, she had to be annoyed by him. All he did was cry and whine about his horrible his life. Why would anyone want to hang with him? He didn't want to be around himself, but what else could he do to change that? He was going to that stupid event. He was on a damn starship. There was a chance that he was going to see _them_ again. He knew it had to do with attitude, but how could he change the way he was feeling? He wished it was as easy as turning on a light, but nothing was that easy.

The door suddenly opened, startling him. For the last four hours, no one had bothered him. Picking up his head, he looked toward the door to see Aurelan, who wore the biggest smile he had ever seen. "I've been looking everywhere for you."

Shifting, Jim took a deep breath. "Well, I've been here for the last four hours."

She made her way toward and dropped down next to him. She looked toward him, but he stared off, not wanting to look at her. "Ah, the last place I've looked. Why-"

Jim quickly cut her off, not wanting to answer her why. "How were the Science labs?"

"How did you know I was there?"

"Ensign Mitchell took me on a tour and I saw you there. You look like you were having fun, so I left you alone." He figured he would answer all possible future questions that she might have.

"You didn't have to."

Jim snorted. "I don't need to bug you all the time. Gary kept me company," he answered, leaving out their little conversion. She didn't need to know about it.

"That's good."

"So why were you looking for me?"

She picked herself up and walked toward the window. "They're getting really to beam down."

Jim picked his head and stared at her. "I didn't realize we were there." The 22.5 hour ride seemed short, but when he was asleep for 12 hours of it, it went fast. It was probably a good thing, as his mind worked work against him.

"Yep, just arrived a few minutes ago," she smiled, staring out the window. Her eyes had locked with an object that he assumed to be the planet. Still sitting down, he couldn't see what she was looking at. Jim wasn't sure if she had ever been off the earth. Planets looked differently from outer space, and there were a breathtaking sight. It could explain the expression on her face. "It's beautiful."

He smiled. He loved the view from orbit. "I love the view from space. Planets look so different."

"That isn't what I'm talking about." Aurelan looked at him for a brief second, before returning her glance to the window. "I'm referring to the Enterprise."

"What?" Jim jumped to his feet and raced to the window. His heart stopped as he laid eyes on the ship that had brought him great joy and sadden. He couldn't look away from the ship, even if it stung him deeply to look at the ship.

* * *

Alight, I hope you liked it, and here are my notes.

1) Dreon is a star system. I didn't randomly pick it per se. I had spent hours looking for a system, but nothing fitted what I wanted, so I just pick that.

2) I give the Aurelan the last name of Swift, because it was the actress who played her in the original series.

3) I know some of you were interested in Sarek and Jim's conversation, so I worked it in. Now, it isn't a block flashback, which I see a lot. I wanted to structure it differently, and I am unsure it worked, but I figure I would give it a shot.

Until next time.


	9. Death of the Soul

Alright. I do not own Star Trek, and I do not make a profit of this.

Long time no see. Here you go.

11/3/2013: One of the guest reviewers stated this chapter was painful to read because of the many grammar errors, so I took another look at this chapter. He (I think it was a he) was correct. I am sure that I didn't catch them all, but I caught a lot of them and this chapter reads better now. YAY. :) Here is an updated vision of Chapter 9.

* * *

**Chapter 9: **

**Death of the Soul**

* * *

He sighed as he walked to the transporter room. He would rather stay onboard the beloved Enterprise and worked than waste his time at that stupid party. He had this great idea which could theoretically increase the engine's output by 6.123%, and he would need the silence to work out the details. He paused as he looked down at his P.A.D.D. He had to get everything figured out, if he wanted to present his idea to the Captain.

Scotty sighed again. He didn't know why he bothered, considering the fact that Pitts wouldn't even listen. He knew the Captain had other things to do and his ideas were a bit risky, but he would at least like some consideration before shooting his ideas to hell. This was one of the reasons why he missed Jim. Jim would listen to him and give him valuable feedback, even though he would turn him down in the end. In fact, Jim would do that to anyone who had an idea. He made time for his crew and tried to ease the barrier between the captain and the crew. Jim thought it made the ship run smoother.

That could've been the reason why it hit Jim so hard when the crew 'deserted' him after the 'incident.' Jim never talked to him about the action that Spock accused him of, but he knew how hard Jim took it. And he didn't have to be a genius, which he was, to know that Jim didn't do it; however, he couldn't figure out why Jim didn't do anything about it. He was the Captain, and there were numerous things that he could've done. (Sure, he ran the ship top notch, but everything else he didn't.) Scotty could only assume that Jim didn't have the will or the inter-strength to do something, which surprised him, because Jim wasn't the type of guy, who would sit back and do nothing.

Though not all of the 437 onboard the Enterprise treated Jim with a lack of respect, it felt like it, and that feeling could drain anyone. That was why he and Chekov refused to pay any attention to the rumors, though that was difficult.

The doors slid open to the Transporter room, and Scotty walked in. "Ello," he said, glancing around the room. Looking to be asleep, Sulu stood next to the door. Chekov stood behind the control panel for the transporter with two red shirts, and Uhura was leaning against the far wall, reading a P.A.D.D. McCoy, Spock, and Pitts were the only one missing for the transport, but Scotty wasn't worry. Instead, he made his way over to Chekov after no one had responded to him.

"Hov are you, Mister Scott?" Chekov asked when Scotty arrived.

"I'm doin' alright, Chekov," he responded as he looked over to what the Russian was doing. "Just workin' on something, but I be wastin' my time." Scotty scrolled down the P.A.D.D. looking over the schematics for his idea. He had put so much energy into it.

"Vhat? The Kaptain von't." Chekov took the P.A.D.D. out of Scotty's hand and looked over it. "I knov he's tough, but he von't shoot it dovn."

"He will," Scotty said, taking back the device.

"Ki-" Chekov started when the door slid open to reveal McCoy, who seemed to be semi rested.

The Doctor looked around. "Waiting on the Captain and the hobgoblin, I see." He was still grumpy.

"Yea, they should be here soon," Sulu answered. None of the gang seemed too happy about the Federation event, but they had no choice in the matter. If they were ordered, they would go. They had no other choice in the matter.

"This is a waste of time," McCoy snorted.

Uhura straightened up. "I wouldn't say that. This is an opportunity of a life time, where we can network and make a name for ourselves."

"We've already made a name for ourselves," Sulu cut in. "Sure, it can be an opportunity for us, but that isn't the point for our presence. We-"

"That's enough. There's no need to fight," Scotty said. It seemed that all they did lately was nitpick, and it made Scotty want to pull his hair out. Last time he checked, he worked on a starship and not in a day care. He didn't know why they were acting like children. They never acted like this when Kirk was around.

"Mister Scott's right," Chekov said, stepping away from the control panel. "Ve are supposed to be a team. It's important."

As Chekov spoke, Captain Pitt had entered the room. "Yes, Mister Chekov's correct. Being a team is important." He glanced around the room and made his way over to the transporter in silence. "Are we ready?"

"What about Commander Spock?" Uhura asked.

"He'll be down later. Let's get going," Pitts ordered. They didn't have time to be waiting around, as they had things to do. Making sure he had his P.A.D.D., Scotty was the last one on the transporter. "Energize."

* * *

The Enterprise had arrived a few days early, which meant that the officers had a few days off to enjoy themselves, which was nice. They needed it. Uhura was relaxing using some of her culture traditions. Sulu was training and tending to plant life that he took from the planet. McCoy was trying to read old Terrain Classics, but his mind was wandering. Spock, still on the Enterprise, was locked up in his quarters doing something Vulcan. And Captain Pitts…No one really knew what he was doing with his time…It was assumed by the crew that he was talking to Admiral Pike, who had arrived a day before they did. They didn't care what he was doing as long as he was alive and safe.

Chekov and Scotty had just returned from the Enterprise as they had been working on Scotty's new schematics for the engines. It was a relaxing to get their hands on it. Scotty walked a little behind Chekov, who was talking off a storm about Russian engineering. It was adorable to listen to the Russian ramble, but it did not help Scotty, whose mind was wandering. Forcing himself to listen to Chekov wasn't difficult, but he was distracted easily. For example, the U.S.S. Constellation of the Constitution Class had caught his eyes and stopped him.

It wasn't as if the Constellation could compare to the Enterprise in Scotty's eyes, but it still was an impressive ship. It had been one of the ships that many people desired to serve on. Before the Enterprise was built, he had desired to work on that ship, but it was a desire that never came true. Instead, he was forced upon a cold ass planet, because of a failed field test. However, there was a bright side to that story, which started with the famous James T. Kirk. Damn, he missed that man.

"Mister Scott?" Chekov, who had stopped a few yards away, called. "Is there something vrong?"

"I'm just checkin' out the Constellation." The ship had only arrived a few minutes ago and was still in post docking procedures.

As he walked over, Chekov said, "It's an impressiwe ship, Sir."

It was and it made Scotty wondered why they needed so many starships presented. What or who were they trying to impress? "What are we up to?" Scotty went to leave, but he didn't get too far. It was Chekov's turn to be distracted. "What is it, Chekov?"

"Kirk."

"What?"

"It's Kirk! It's Kirk." He pointed off in a direction, but by the time Scotty had looked, he only saw Captain Pitts. What was Pitt up to?

"Are you sure?" Scotty stepped toward the direction that Chekov pointed at. "I see only Captain Pitts."

"It was Kirk."

* * *

Jim had made it back to his quarters somehow, but he wasn't sure how he did it by himself. (He had refused to allow Aurelan to walk him back.) He needed time alone to think. He hadn't had that in a while. Sitting down on the bed, he rested his head on hands, and he allowed himself a few seconds of silence for that was all he could give himself as he was due in the transporter room in a few minutes. He lifted his head, reminding himself that he had to be strong. That he needed to move forward. Standing up, Jim reached for his jacket and bag and flung them over his shoulder.

He told himself that this was the first step in a long journey, and if he could do this, the rest would fall into place. It did fall into place when he stepped off the transporter in the orbital space station. He felt better that he had been able to take the first step, even though he was faced with something that he wasn't expecting as he materialized.

"Hello, Jim."

Jim hadn't expected to see him so soon, though he knew he was going to see him eventually especially after the way he had left him. Pike had thought that he was watching a dead man ride off. "Hello, Admiral Pike," Jim responded.

As the crew of the Constellation wasn't due to disembark for a few more hours, there weren't many people in the room. Other than a few red shirts, there was an older gentlemen in gold (according to his uniform, a Captain), Pike, and Aurelan who stood behind Jim.

"How are you?" Pike, whose eyes pierced through Jim, asked.

Oh, how he hated that question. What could he say to that? Nothing much. A bit of depression. No answer would satisfy Admiral Pike, and telling the truth wouldn't do any good. "Decent, and how are you?" It was always polite to ask about the other person, and it got them to talk about themselves and not you.

"Been Busy. Still Busy, so let's cut down to business," Pike responded, motiving to the doors.

* * *

After saying bye to Aurelan, Jim followed Pike and the Captain out of the transporter room and down a long corridor. Pike and the Captain were talking, but Jim wasn't sure of what they were talking about. His mind was wandering back toward the Enterprise and how he wished he was still the captain of the ship, but he wasn't and he wouldn't after everything that had happened.

"Kaptain Pitts!" It had pulled Jim out of his thoughts and stopped him as well as Pike and the Captain.

Jim turned, recognizing a Russian accent, and his heart softened a bit. Chekov had a way to get him to smile with his cute innocent hyper self. Facing the man, he felt his heart beat slowed when he saw that it wasn't Chekov. He wouldn't admit to it, but he wished it was Chekov.

"Kaptain Pitts," the Russian called again, once he was a few feet away.

But then again, it was probably a good thing that it wasn't Chekov. What would he say to him or any of his crew? 'Oh, sorry for leaving without saying goodbye.' 'I just had to get away.' 'I couldn't be Captain of the Enterprise anymore, as you all suck." There wasn't anything that he could say.

"Ensign?" Pitts turned to face the young man.

"Kaptain, I'm reporting on the status of the Enterprise. You vanted it as soon as possible"

The Captain nodded. "I do, but I have a meeting, so send the report to my quarters."

Turning his attention away from the ensign, Jim focused on Captain Pitts, who must be the new captain of the Enterprise. Though Jim hadn't expected to run into the new Captain, he wasn't as he imagined. For some reason, a part of him thought Spock would've been made Captain, as he had proven himself time and time again. He had all the skills needed to run a Starship. Anyhow, Captain Pitts wasn't what he envisioned. He didn't envision him to be so old. Okay, he wasn't _that_ old, but he wasn't young either. He couldn't go running through the hills if an away mission went wrong. Being physical fit was important in any Captain. It meant life or death.

"Let's get going," Pitts said. Pike nodded.

Jim glanced toward the direction that the Ensign ran off in. Half of him wanted to go with him, but the other half wanted to walk away. He wasn't ready to deal with the past just yet. He missed that ship so much that it hurt to see it. He had no one else to blame, because it was his choice to walk away.

To walk away from the most important thing in his life.

It hurt. It felt like he had ripped his own arm off, but he had no other choice. It was for the best…or was it? He had doubted himself the second he turned in his resignation papers. Did he make the right decision? Was his logic clouded? Did he make the decision too soon? He did wonder. He wondered a lot, and seeing the Enterprise and the new Captain made him doubt everything. It filled him with despair and desire for everything that he had. He would be lying if he said he didn't want it back. He wanted it back, but he couldn't have anything that he wanted. He didn't trust anyone at that moment.

* * *

Jim paused at the doors that Pike and Pitts had disappeared through. He had some idea of why Pike wanted to talk; however, he wasn't sure why he would. The Enterprise had a Captain, so why did they need to talk to him? There wasn't anything that they could do.

He had to move, he told himself. He couldn't just stay at the door, because he had to make the next step. He stepped through the doors to see that Pike had already taken his seat behind the desk. Pitts was leaning against the far back wall, eyeing him. "Take a seat," Pike said, pointing to the chair across from him.

Jim hesitated for a second before he took the seat. Usually when someone was asked to sit, it was going to be a long conversion. He took a deep breath as he wasn't in the mood for a conversion. "How did you know I was onboard the Constellation?" he asked, cutting off Pike.

"Captain Decker had informed me immediately of your arrive on the Constellation," Pike informed him. "I was a bit surprised. I wasn't expecting you to come."

"I wasn't either," Jim muttered. This was the last place that he wanted to be.

Pike's eyebrow rose. "However, I'm glad you came. I've been worried about you. I thought I would be hearing about your death."

Jim had a hard time looking at Pike without feeling guilty. The man had been nothing but supporting since he met him. He was like a father to him, and without that, he didn't know where he would be. Dead most likely. "I know. Sorry about that."

"Sorry. Is that the only thing you can say? Sorry?" He picked up a stress ball and threw it at Jim. "I was worried about you, Jim!"

Making no movement to stop it, Jim was hit in the face. "I acted selfishly. I'm sorry." He picked up the stress ball that had landed in his lap. He knew this had to be an awkward situation for Pike.

"Alright." He paused. "Let's get to business," Pitts said, cutting off Pike again.

The awkwardness died down as they shifted away from his almost death.

Jim glanced toward the Captain, wondering what this business was. He had already figured that he would be talking to people about the Federation. What else did they want from him? "Which is?"

"Your reenlistment into Starfleet," Pike answered. Yep, the awkwardness was back.

Trying to hide his surprise, he broke out into laugher. He didn't know if it was because he wanted to or because he wanted nothing to do with Starfleet. He decided it was the ladder one. "Why would I do that?" There were a few reasons why he would, but Pike didn't need to know about them.

"Because Starfleet needs you."

"Needs me? Why would Starfleet need me? I'm just one person." He folded his arms against his chest. If that was the case, he wouldn't have been sent through the ringer. The trial was a joke as the lawyers and the judge hid behind stupid rules and protocols.

"The universe needs Captain James T. Kirk," Pitts commented, stepping toward Jim. "You made a name for yourself that no one else can fill."

"I didn't get there alone," Jim muttered.

"No, you didn't, but you were leading force. The Enterprise needs her Captain back," Pike said.

Jim stared. "The Enterprises has a Captain and it's him," he said, pointing to Captain Pitts.

"It's only temporary," Pitts inputted. "I'm retiring soon, kid."

Ignoring the fact that Pitt had called him a kid, Jim said, "Why would you pick a temporary Captain?" He knew it was a stupid question. He knew he was the reason. They wanted to give him time to change his mind, but could he do that? He had resigned, and though he could be mistaken, he wasn't sure he could come back unless he wanted to start from the ground up not that that bugged him, since he never really started at the bottom. He went straight to the captaincy.

"I figured you for a smart guy," Pitts said as he crossed to Pike's shoulder.

"I don't want the Enterprise back," he lied. His reaction to seeing the ship had told him that. If he was truly over that ship, he wouldn't have acted like he had been shot in the heart.

"Really? Who wouldn't want that ship," Pitts said, pointing to a monitor on the wall that suddenly pictured the docked Enterprise. "What can compare to that ship? Nothing. Starfleet is about adventure and discovery, which you don't have as a bartender."

"How do you know about that?" Jim didn't know much about this old Captain, but apparently, he knew about him.

"Reenlist, Kirk."

Jim took a deep breath before he spoke. "No."

"Jim," Pike breathed.

They needed to understand why. Though he wasn't happy with the regulations of Starfleet which only seemed to benefit those in charge, he couldn't captain the Enterprise, even if he wanted to. The crew didn't want him and that was all that matter. They wouldn't serve at their best if they didn't believe in him. "They don't trust or want me."

"I don't give a damn what they want. They're officers. They must follow orders," Pike snapped.

"Orders?! Orders don't God damn matter. It's trust that matters. Without that, nothing will succeed. I tried. I gave it my all, but they… You have the reports," Jim answered. During his last months as the captain, his approval rating has decrease by a significant percentage. Though Jim had never complained to Pike, it was a living hell. At the beginning, Jim could handle it, but after a while, it ate at him. His crew didn't trust him, and for a while, he didn't blame them as he didn't even trust himself, but that didn't mean that he wasn't pissed.

"I do, but I must say, I find them to be total bullshit," Pike said. He slid the reports to Jim, who made no movement toward them. "Total junk from children throwing tantrums. You're the best thing for that ship, even if they can't see it."

"No." He repeated. It was harder the second time.

"You can change the senior staff and choose a new First Officer," Pike responded.

That hit him. He didn't know why, considering if he was to take the Enterprise back that would be one of his conditions. "Pike." But taking the position away from Spock made his heart ache. Jim's eyes fell.

Pike glanced toward Pitts, who was leaning against the wall behind Jim. "If that doesn't persuade you, I can offer you a new ship in two years. Top of the line ship that will out class everything so far: the U.S.S. Providence."

Jim had heard of the ship before he had resigned. He would be lying if he said he hadn't drooled over the designs for that ship, which incubus specs from the Narada. He would love to captain that ship, but could he ever replace his love for the Enterprise? It was just a ship, right? No, it was more than that; however, he needed a change. Maybe, the U.S.S. Providence would give him that, but maybe, it wouldn't. How could he be sure? He had to be sure, because this was a major decision that would impact his good for nothing life…

He needed a change, because his life depended on it. That was what Gary was trying to make him see. He needed to take a risk or else nothing would happen. He wanted to move on in his life, and he needed to move forward.

It was life or death.

But was going back to Starfleet the right answer? He didn't always agree with Starfleet or the Federation, but he respected their mission. They had a purpose, and they were accomplishing it.

"Admiral Pike. I'm not longer with Starfleet. I have no right to a ship." Why couldn't he say no again?

"I don't hear no," Captain Pitts commented.

Sighing, Pike shot Pitts a warning glance. "Jim, you're still apart of Starfleet." He picked up a P.A.D.D. and slid it over to Jim, who paid no attention to it. "You have everything right to a ship."

"What are you talking about? I resigned from Starfleet." What was Pike talking about? Jim glanced to the device in front of him. Without picking it up, he could tell that it was his Starfleet profile.

Pike stood up and walked to the viewing screen on his wall. "I told you I wouldn't accept your resignation, and I didn't. If you look at the P.A.D.D., you'll understand."

_What the hell did Pike do?_ Jim thought. He knew he wouldn't like it. Picking up the device, he glanced over his profile and froze as he saw the words at the bottom: 'Extended Medical Leave.' There was no word about his resignation. It was like he never handed it in; instead, it showed that he left the Enterprise for medical reasons. What the Fuck? What the hell did Pike do? Who gave Pike the right to decide for his life? Sure, he only meant to help, but what made his decision right? "Pike," he hissed. His anger was back. "What the hell?" He slammed down the P.A.D.D.

"Kirk," he said, switching to a formal tone. "As your superior officer, I had the right to deny your resignation based on the emotional condition that you were in." He stepped to his desk, and he stared hard into Jim's eyes.

"Emotional Condition? Are we Vulcans now?"

"Kirk, you can't deny that you made a rash decision?" Pike asked. "Your ra-"

"Pike," Jim growled. He glanced toward Pitts, who seemed to be watching him very carefully. He didn't know what Pitts knew, but he knew that he didn't want to talk about it in front of the stranger, his replacement. "No. This conversation is over." He stood up quickly.

"No, it isn't. As you're still enlisted in Starfleet, I can make it an order."

Jim laughed. "Well, I guess then I'll resign again." Did Pike really think he could stop him? He couldn't, even if there was a part of him that wanted him to.

"I won't accept it."

"What do you want from me?" Annoyed as he was, Jim tried to be reasonable. Sure, Pike was pissing him off, but he helped Jim, when he needed it. He owed him something. "What will make you accept my resignation?"

Pike walked over to the closet and pulled out two captain uniforms: one formal dress and one yellow regular uniform. He laid the uniforms down on the desk and sat down. "This will. I want you to attend the event as if you are on the medical leave, and after the event, if you still want to resign, I will accept it."

Jim narrowed his eyes. He wasn't sure how that would work. Didn't everyone already know that he had resigned (which was why he didn't understand how Pike had listed it as a medical leave in the first place)? His crazy mother knew. Those two idiot cadets he met in the bar knew. Decker knew. Gary knew. There was no telling who did, but he would play this game, if it meant he was gone. "That's it?" However, he was left with other questions. Why would Pike give up so easy? What game was he playing at? Did he think that he would change his mind? Did he want his mind changed?

"Yes."

Jim glanced over to Captain Pitts, whose eyes were hard to read. What was he getting out of this? There had to be something. "I'll do it." He didn't like the idea of being 'blackmailed,' but he had no other way. However, the question remained: did he want to 'rejoin' Starfleet? Pike had offered him two ships in a sense. Could he again turn his back on the Enterprise? His reaction to seeing the Enterprise had told him that he wasn't over the ship. His lack of desire at seeing the captain chair on the Constellation was also proof.

He didn't want to return to his boring life. He didn't want to be a bartender or a washed out Captain, who couldn't handle things when they got difficult. He wanted to do better than his counterpart, even if it was impossible. Even if he wanted something more, could he handle it? He could barely handle the Enterprise during his last months, but then again, he didn't give himself a chance. He let it go on. He let all of those glances go on. He was the Captain for crying out loud. He could've stopped it or at least did something.

"Good," Pike smiled.

Jim didn't like that smile. Pike _was_ up to something. Pike's tone had changed. As he stood up, Jim kept a close eye on Admiral. "Is that all, Sir?" If Pike wanted him to play the part, then he would.

"Yes, Captain Kirk. That is all."

Jim stood there for a few seconds. God, he missed that titled. He knew he shouldn't allow himself to get attached to it, but he couldn't help it. He missed it.

He slowly picked up the uniforms and headed to the door. He wondered if he had made the right choice. Was it right to pretend that nothing had happened? He knew Pike didn't want him to pretend that everything was the same. He wanted to stop denying that something had happen and move on, but he couldn't help but wonder if this would hurt him in the long run.

* * *

McCoy enjoyed comforts, but he didn't need them. They served as a distraction, a distraction that only tormented him. Though it was needed, he had completely forgotten about James T. Kirk, and that ate at him. Maybe, Selek was right. He needed to worry about the present and leave Jim alone. His illogical attachment was only hurting him. He wasn't sleeping or eating well, and if he was his own damn patient, he knew what he would say. He needed to worry about himself. He needed to take care of himself, or else he would be listened as medically unstable. And if that happened, McCoy didn't know what he would do. He needed this. He needed his position as the Chief Medical Officer.

Shifting in his bed, McCoy stared at the off colored wall with a large photo that featured a war scene from the planet's history. It was a rather odd image of colors that were supposed to represent different armed forces. McCoy didn't know what to make of it, but he forced himself to think about it. It helped him get his mind off Jim, even if he didn't want to. That was where he stayed until the door to his room opened.

Pushing himself into a sitting position, he eyed Spock, who had entered the room. He hadn't seen Spock since Selek had come aboard the Enterprise. McCoy had to say it that he looked better than Spock, and it made him feel semi better, but it also made him worried. He had never seen Spock look like this. He looked like he had been hit by multiple busses. What the hell had happened?

"Spock, W-"

"I need your help hacking into the Medical Database," the Vulcan said, cutting off the Doctor.

"What? My help? Why?" McCoy's mind was racing.

Spock stepped closer to McCoy. He looked like he was suffering from some kind of injury. "McCoy, it is about Jim."

His heart stopped. "What about Jim?" McCoy stood from the bed, shaking.

"If you help me, I can show you." Spock made his way to the computer that was linked to the computers on the Enterprise. The purpose of the connection was to allow Doctor McCoy to keep an eye on the Sickbay.

McCoy knew that Jim could bring out illogical responses from Spock, but he never imaged this. "Alright, Spock. This has better be something. Breaking into the Medical Databases is serious."

"If anything happens, I will take full responsibility."

"No, you won't. We'll share it." They had never been good friends, but he could see how someone could be close with Spock. He was willing to do anything to protect the ones he cared about, even if he would deny it. "What do you need?"

Spock didn't even look up. "I need your medical codes. I need the access to the database before I can hack it." He paused, as McCoy's breath caught in his throat. "It will not be traced back to you."

McCoy took a deep breath. It didn't matter if it did or not, because as long as they found out about Jim, nothing else mattered. He would do anything for Jim…He just wished he had done that in the past, when he needed it. He hated himself for everything that he did, and he would make it up to the man.

*O*O*

"Are you done yet?" McCoy was a patient person, but that had gone out the window the second he handed over his codes. He would have to change them after this, not that he doubted Spock, but it was a security risk. Plus, he was the only one who was supposed to have those high ranking codes.

"No." It was a simple no, but it was filled with emotions that McCoy didn't think was possible for Spock. It only added to his worries.

It was taking longer than expected to hack the medical records. Spock's abilities were beyond anything that McCoy thought was possible, but the system was made to prevent hacks. In fact, Spock had worked on some of the specs, but that should've made it easy to hack, right? No, it seemed that Spock made sure that his specs were impossible to hack, even by himself. He would have to do a number on the system.

"Done." Spock responded a quarter of an hour later. He had successfully hacked into the system and gave himself the highest security ranking. If he was anyone else, it would've been a major problem; however, since he was he, it was safe. Spock had no interest in anything but Jim's medical record, which Spock had found in no time. He pulled up the record and scrolled down toward the end.

McCoy almost pushed Spock out of the way (not that he could), as he tried to read the file. There were much more than he expected there to be_. What had happened to Jim_, he asked himself. He thought he was going to faint as he noticed something in the file.

Jim had been Raped.

Raped.

How could he have missed that? He knew that Jim liked it hard at times, and he allowed that knowledge to affect his judgment, but how could he not see that something was wrong? How could he miss that? How could he have turned on his friend? His best friend?

He thought he was going to puke as he glanced over the official rape report. No, he was going to puke. He bolted from the desk to the restroom. After his stomach was empty, he filled the sink with water. He was tempted to drown himself as he felt sick to his stomach. How could he have betrayed Jim, when he needed him the most? No wonder, Jim left. He had seen a few rape victims before, and they needed all the support that they could get. He didn't doubt Jim's strength, but he doubted Jim's recovery. There was no one there when Jim needed it. That could kill anyone. Anyone.

Oh, Fuck.

McCoy felt sick again. He puked again.

O' God. What if Jim was dead? What if he killed himself? What if he couldn't have withstood the rape and the betrayal and decided to end it all? Was his pain too great? McCoy had no clue what had happened to Jim as the filed ended the day of Jim's medical leave started. He had been under the impression that Jim had resigned.

Walking back over to the sink, he dipped his face into the water for a few seconds. He didn't reach for the towel to dry his face. "Jim, please," he pleaded with his reflection as if he was looking at Jim. Water dripped down his face. He had to find out what happened to Jim. He had to make sure Jim was still alive, and he had to make it up to him, even if it wasn't possible. He rested his head against the cold counter. He knew he didn't deserve Jim's forgiveness, but he would try to save Jim.

Pushing himself up, he drained the water and walked back into the other room. Spock was staring intently at the screen. His fists were balled and he was shaking. "Spock," McCoy said, walking over. He hadn't read the whole report. He knew there had to be details about _it_, but he didn't want to know. He didn't need to know, or rather, he wasn't strong enough. "Spock," he called again. If he wasn't strong enough, what about Jim, who faced it alone?

Said Vulcan turned his head to McCoy. It was visible that he was struggling with his emotions. "I must find Jim." McCoy had never heard Spock sound like this. His voice was ruff.

"How?"

"Selek. He knows of Jim's location. I will go to him and demand Jim's Location." He paused. "I have to go to him."

"I doubt he would want to see us."

"Us?" Spock asked.

McCoy stared at Spock. "I'm going with you, and there's nothing that you can do to stop me." Okay, there were a few things that he could do like the nerve pinch. "He's my best friend. I have to see him."

"Very well."

He could tell that Spock wanted to see Jim alone, but that wouldn't be a good idea. They had no idea of how Jim would react to seeing him. "How do you plan on getting to earth?" They were stuck on the Enterprise, which wouldn't be going anywhere near earth.

"I will find a way, Doctor. I will find a way." Spock was still shaking, as he stood. He walked slowly to the door. "I have to meditate."

"Go, Spock." He knew better than to stop Spock. It would be dangerous for the both of them if McCoy tried to stop him. After Spock had left the room, McCoy returned to his computer. He could barely glance over the report without the urge to puke. If he felt like this, he wondered how Jim or even Spock felt. Spock had betrayed his lover. That had to be a painful realization.

He turned off the monitor and walked to his bed. He allowed gravity to take over and allowed the tears to flow. What had he done?

* * *

Uhura did feel like shit, even if no one believed her. She didn't want to take advantage of Spock, because she did truly love and care for Spock. She had even supported Jim and Spock's relationship, because she saw how happy both of them were. Yes, both of them. She did care about Jim. She really did. Though it annoyed her, she enjoyed Jim's meaningless teasing, because it meant that he saw her as more than just sex. He saw her, just like he saw each member of the Enterprise. They were people not numbers. For that, she cared and respected Jim, but that couldn't save him after what she saw. He had almost destroyed Spock after he had cheated on him. She saw had much Jim meant to Spock. She knew what Spock would do to keep Jim safe. He would give up everything for Jim. And it broke Spock when he learned that Jim wouldn't do the same. That he didn't care. That was why she hated Jim. Sure, she was jealous that Spock would never do that for her, and that hurt, but that wasn't the reason of her hatred.

Jim had taken something from Spock that she could never have and spit it right back in his face. It made her sick to think about it. If he didn't want the relationship, why in hell did he enter it? Was he that selfish? Though the golden boy reputation had gotten to his head (it would anyone), he wasn't really selfish. He always put others before himself. What changed to change that? She wished she knew. It might not make the situation better, but it would help Spock to heal. He needed that. She wished she could help him.

Sure, throwing herself at him wouldn't help, but she thought she could distract him. Everyone needed a good distraction nowadays, especially with the new Captain, who believed that nothing was prefect. Unquestionably, nothing was, but he didn't have to thrive for it as if it was possible. The crew was running on empty and their nerves shoot. Yes, Captain Pitts was a good Captain who had saved the Enterprise from a few deadly situations, but the crew was stressed. They were too afraid of failure. With him, failure wasn't an option, and it was something to be ashamed, which made people afraid of their own shadows.

Uhura sighed. For that, she missed Kirk. It was a bad idea to run a crew like that, especially when they were used to a captain like Kirk. The change was too great and too fast.

She rounded a corner, heading to her quarters for the event. She and the rest of the senior staff wouldn't be staying on the Enterprise during the event. Uhura didn't care, as she just wanted to get back to their space travel. At first, she saw it as a networking opportunity, but now, the event, which wouldn't start until the next day, didn't interest her at all. She stopped as she closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. She wasn't in the mood to socialize with people who had no idea what being a part of Starfleet was all about.

Hearing footsteps, she picked up her head and opened her eyes. Anger rushed through her veins at the sight of the man in front of her. She never expected to see him. She had wanted to see him, so she could tell him off, but at the same time, she never wanted to see him again. The Enterprise needed to heal and they couldn't do it with him around.

"Uhura." She heard him mutter her name. It was stupid of her to be pissed at him for saying her name. She had other reasons to be pissed. At least, he didn't use her first name.

"Kirk," she hissed. "What the hell are you doing here?" She looked him over. He was wearing a leather jacket over a plain white shirt and dark jeans. The jeans hanged loosely around his waist, and a very thin strip of skin was visible. He was holding something over his shoulder, which pressed his white shirt against his finely chiseled chest.

"I was invited." He stared at her.

She shivered. She had never heard him talk like this; his voice was devoid of any emotion. It was as if he was dead. "That didn't mean you had to come." She felt as if he was staring right through her.

"Which is your opinion. It's a good thing that Starfleet doesn't follow your opinions, now isn't it?" He took a step toward her.

Why was the temperature dropping? It was freezing. "Shut up. You have no right to be here." She knew she should've shut up, but her anger was getting the better of her. She had wanted to yell at him for months.

"I have more right than you do."

Again, he said it without emotion. If she wasn't so pissed, she would've been worried about him. "I have no right? No, you don't have any right not after what you did."

"After what I did?" Jim snapped. "What I did? You don't have any fucken idea of what you're talking about." He had dropped him bag and took a small step toward her.

Uhura blinked. She didn't expect him to snap, especially when he did nothing during his last months as the Captain.

"You have no idea of what I have been through. Not at all, you stupid B…" He crunched his fists almost to the point of blood, but she could tell he was holding himself back. He even stepped back as he tried to control himself.

"Kirk," she muttered. He was extremely pissed, and it scared her. She had never seen anyone this angry, well beside Spock the day that he choked Jim on the bridge.

"You think you know everything, but you don't," he sneered through his teeth. "You have no idea of what I went through. How alone I was. How close I was to the edge. How I wanted to die. You have no idea. Or rather, you didn't care." His face distorted in pain.

At that, her anger had started to turn on her. She had no idea that he was so depressed, but it was her own damn fault that she didn't notice. She didn't want to. "That's your fault, you cheating bastard."

"I didn't fucken cheat."

"Liar!" How dare he say that?

Jim flexed his fists and took a step toward her. "I'm sick and tired of being accused of something I didn't do."

"Don't lie," she muttered. His anger had overpowered her anger. "Spock could feel it." Even in her anger, that sentence was strange to her. How could anyone sense something like that?

"He sensed the intercourse, which happened." His breath had become labored.

Uhura's worries at his depression disappeared. It was his own fucken fault that Spock left him. "And that isn't cheating?" He needed to look up the definition of cheating.

"It isn't cheating if it was again my will, and trust me, it was," he said. "I never wanted it." He released his fists as if he ran out of stream.

All of the sudden she felt sick to her stomach. That only meant one thing, but that wasn't possible. How could James T. Kirk been Raped?

"I never asked to be r-raped," he said with a shaky voice.

With that, Uhura felt dead inside. Very dead inside.

* * *

Until Next time.


	10. Death of Secrets

Hola! Sorry for the long wait. Been working and lacking Internet connection. This chapter had been finished for over a week.

So I hope you like it, and I am sorry for the grammar mistakes. I will have to reedit this, but I thought you would like to read this, so i put it out there. If you want to weight for the updated version, you can.

I don't own Star Trek.

* * *

Chapter 10

Death of Secrets

* * *

"I never asked to be r-raped."

Though anger was coursing through his veins, he felt as if a weight had been lifted off his chest. He could breathe again. He could live again. He could move on, because there was something more. He had wished for that feeling before, but he was never able to before. He couldn't see that there was something more, but now, there was hope as he was able to say it out loud to someone, even if it was Uhura. He could move on and live with the fact that he was raped.

"Kirk."

His name brought him out of his thoughts. He took a deep long look at her and felt guilty that he wasn't feeling guilty about the pain in her eyes as she learned the truth. He knew he was being foolish for feeling that way. Who cared what she was feeling, when she was the one who accused him of cheating? She wasn't living his life. She wasn't the one scorned from the Enterprise. She hadn't watched her closest friends turn on her. She still had her dream, while he lost his. Why in the hell did he care? And that pissed him off even more. She had no right to feel pain when he was the one who was raped.

"I'm sorry." Her voice was so soft that it was hard to hear.

He stared at her with no interest of answering or speaking to her anymore.

"I'm so sorry!" She cried. She moved toward him as if to give him a hug. "I didn't know."

He was never a big fan of hugs…well depending on whom they were from, but that was beside the point. He didn't want to have any contact with Uhura after what had happened. Sure, he wanted to get into her pants the first time he saw her, but things had changed. Now, he wanted nothing to do with her. She had no right to be sorry for him, when she turned her back on him. Sure, she didn't know what had really happened and she acted out because she cared deeply for Spock, but that didn't mean he understood. He was her captain and he would've liked to think of her as a friend, and he had expected more from her, but her behavior had showed him her true nature. He deserved more.

Reaching for his dropped bag, he stepped away from her. He didn't want to be close to her. "That doesn't change anything." He was treated like shit, and her saying that she was sorry didn't mean he was going to forget and forgive.

She looked at him as if she was trying to figure out what to say. "But it might! Why didn't you tell us?" Tears had started to run down her face, which only pissed him off more. "Why did you let us go on thinking you cheated?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. He didn't feel like he owed her anything. "Why shouldn't I have? Why should I share anything with any of you people?" he snarled. They turned their backs on him! He didn't owe them a goddamn thing. She was lucky that he was even talking to her. The bag was dangling from his hand as he thought about throwing it.

"Jim," she muttered. "I know we hurt you, but-"

"But what?" Hearing his first name out of her mouth made him angrier, if that was possible. She had no right to address him by his first name. "How could I come to any of you? You didn't give me a chance to explain as you all thought I was the son of Satan! Spock wouldn't allow me to speak to him about anything that wasn't ship related and that was rare. He changed shifts to limit the amount of contact. Doctor McCoy, my goddamn best friend, the only friend that I ever had, wouldn't even look at me. I had to force him because he didn't want to see to me, and when I cornered him, he yelled at me. He wouldn't even let me get a word out. And you glared at me and shouted nasty comments about me to everyone around you. You didn't think I could hear you, but I did." Jim put his arms through the strap of bag, leaving it to hang from his shoulder. "And most of the crew took after you three! So tell me, how could I come to any of you?"

She was speechless.

"You have no fucken idea of what I went through! No fucken idea in the hell what I went through during my last month, and you have the balls to ask me why I didn't come to any of you?" His nails had started to dig into his hands. "You were too blinded to see the fucken truth, which was right in front of you!" He wanted to punch something. Sure, he wanted to hurt someone, but he would never lay a hand on Uhura. (Spock and McCoy wouldn't be so lucky.) "So goddamn blind!" His fist went flying, and he nailed the wall hard with his right hand.

"Jim!" It was clear that she wasn't expecting it. After getting over her shock, she ran to him, but she didn't make it in time as he sent another punch to the wall (his left this time). "Jim! Stop!" He sent to punch again, but Uhura grabbed his hand. She could see how red his fists were. His skin was broken in some spots.

Jim turned to her. His fists felt like they were on fire, but he didn't care. All he cared about was her lack of respect for him. He was sick and tired of people being disrespectful to him and he wasn't going to deal with it anymore. "Don't call me Jim! You have no right to address me as if we're friends!" He pulled away from her. "No one has that right!" He wanted to punch the wall again.

"Ji-Kirk," she said, correcting herself. "What about Scott and Chekov? I know you were close with them." Her voice was shaky.

Jim stared into her eyes, and he knew that she was trying to make herself feel better as she tried to point out that he wasn't totally alone. But it didn't help her case. "So?"

"You would've talked to them!" She brought her hands to her chest.

God, his hands hurt. There was blood, but it wasn't anything major. "I did, but that didn't mean I told them. They didn't need to know that burden." If they knew the truth, it would've caused problems with his crews. Chekov and Scotty already had a hard time dealing with the crew and Jim knew it would be worse if they knew. There was no doubt in his mind that they would've done anything as they were very protective of him, and he didn't need more tension between the crew, because that could've resulted in death. "And stop trying to make yourself feel better. You have no right to."'

Tears dripped down from her chin to her outfit. She was a wet mess. "I know I don't, but tell me what I can do? How can I fix this?"

He almost laughed. She thought it was fixable. Silly, Silly girl. It wasn't fixable. Not at all. She and the rest (well some, really) of the crew (besides Scotty and Chekov) burned that bridge. "Pretend you never saw me." He turned away from her and started to walk away. After a few steps, he stopped and looked back. "It will be better for everyone."

"Kirk, it won't be for anyone. The Enterprise is a mess! McCoy won't even leave Sickbay anymore, and Spock is-"

Turning back fully to her, Jim snapped, "I don't want to hear about how hard they have it! They deserve whatever comes to them!" They turned their backs on him, and they didn't deserve him.

"Fine!" she yelled. Her tears had stopped, and it seemed that she was getting pissed at him again. "But think about yourself! I can see your pain, and how much you're hurting. It won't be good for you!"

Jim glared at her. "You have no right to care about me! Just leave me the hell alone like you have been doing!" He paused. He turned away from her. "I'm sick of this conversion. Bye, Lt Uhura." He started to walk away. He needed to get away from her. He heard her call his name, but he didn't care. He just needed to get away from her. He knew she was following her, but he would lose her. He had to lose her.

* * *

McCoy dropped into his bed. He looked around his event quarters once again, as he had been doing all day. They were nicer than he expected or wanted. He would've been fine with anything after what he had done to his friend. He felt like shit and he thought he deserved shit. He treated his best friend like shit without giving him a chance to explain, and for that, McCoy would feel like shit for the rest of his life, even if Jim forgave him.

However, he was also very much annoyed. Why in the hell didn't Jim tell him? Sure, he knew that he didn't give Jim any chances, but when that boy wanted something, he would get it. He wouldn't give up until he got what he wanted, but why didn't he push this time? Why did he just give up? That wasn't like the Jim he knew, but did he really know Jim anymore? A lot of things happened to change Jim, and McCoy had no idea of who Jim was anymore.

He stared at his bag. _What should I do?_ He started to wonder. Should he really go see Jim? Would it do any good? He didn't know how Jim would react. He knew Jim wouldn't be happy to see them. And why should he be? He _and_ Spock were the ones who turned their backs on him. "Why did you let it go on?" He muttered. Sure, he knew some rape victims had a hard time opening up, and Jim was never really good at letting people in. (For heaven sake, he wouldn't even know about Jim's brother if he didn't come across it in a news article.) But why did he allow himself to be labeled as the bad guy?

"Jim, is this one of your acts of heroism?" He asked. Jim had always put others before himself, and at times, McCoy hated that about the man. Jim needed to think about himself first sometimes, but he never did, and he would never as he was low on his priorities. He would give up his life for another in a heartbeat, which said a lot about his character. Did he allow himself to be hated so others wouldn't be hated? McCoy shook his head. That didn't make sense. How could allowing the ship to hate him be a good thing? "Jim, what were you thinking?"

He couldn't understand what the blond was thinking, and it annoyed/pissed him off. Jim never thought things through, which was a major flaw of his. He went head first into things without thinking about the consequences, and at times (well most of the times), he ended up hurt, but he didn't care as long as everyone else was alright. His pain meant nothing if someone else was hurt, but then again, he never admitted being hurt in the first place. This also very much annoyed the good doctor.

Pushing himself out of bed, he decided that he wasn't going to wait for action. He was going to do something, even if it was stupid. He was going to seek out Selek, who would be busy. Unlike him, Selek was an ambassador and he had actual things that he had to do, but that wasn't going to stop McCoy. He had to do something or else he would in fact go crazy.

It didn't take long for McCoy to find Selek's quarters as he had access to the computers. He almost ran to the room, but he thought better of it. He didn't want everyone else to know how crazy he was, and he didn't want to admit to the fact that he was.

When he arrived at the Selek's door, an angry feeling filled him. This wasn't the first time that he found himself outside of Selek's room, and that time didn't ended well. Not well at all. McCoy felt worse than ever after that conversion with Selek. _Wait! _He thought as he recalled that conversion. _He lied!_ Selek had told him that there wasn't anything else. He lied to his face. How could Selek do that? He had believed that Selek was Jim's friend. How could he do that to his friend? _And _he was Vulcan. Wasn't it against the law for Vulcans to lie or something? Plus, Spock (didn't matter which one) didn't lie. It was against his DNA.

Pissed off, McCoy entered the room without permission or notice. He didn't care if he interrupted anything. How could Selek let him believe that there wasn't anything wrong with Jim? Because of that, more time was allowed to pass, and he needed that time, because there was no telling of what Jim's mental state was.

Selek looked up from the desk and stared at McCoy with a look in his eyes. "Doctor McCoy, can we discuss what is on your mind at another time?" He placed the P.A.D.D. down. "I am busy at the moment."

"I don't care! You lied to me about Jim." McCoy stepped forward, only focused on Selek and nothing else.

"Doctor, this is not the best time, may we-"

"We will talk now!" McCoy glared at Selek. He was never a big fan of hobgoblins.

There was a sudden movement in the room, drawing McCoy's attention away from Selek. "I believe Doctor McCoy wants to talk to you. I will leave you two to talk," Sarek said as he stood.

McCoy became quiet. He felt like a fool as he failed to notice Sarek in the room. How could he had not notice that the Ambassador was in the room? Sarek was almost impossible to look over as he had a presence that could take over the room. He also failed to notice the female Vulcan in the room, who was eyeing him with her Vulcan stare. He shifted uncomfortably. He felt like a total idiot.

Selek nodded. "Very well," he said as Sarek and the female Vulcan left the room. After the door slid close, Selek stood and stepped toward McCoy. His hands were behind his back as he took in the doctor. "I was in a meeting, Leonard."

McCoy narrowed his eyes. No one really called his Leonard. It was just Doctor or McCoy (well Bones if he counted the nickname Jim gave him). Hearing his first name from Spock (young or old) was strange, and he didn't much care for it. "You lied to me."

"I do not lie, for lying would be illogical."

"You told me that Jim was as expected! You lied. He isn't as expected. He was raped," McCoy yelled. It strung as the word passed his lips. "You told me that there wasn't anything more. That he was adapting well."

Selek took a deep breath. "I told you the truth. He is as expected…for someone that had been raped."

"You kept certain parts from me!"

"I kept Jim's confidence."

McCoy narrowed his eyes. "His confidence? Is keeping his confidence worth hurting him? Because that's all it's doing!" No good came out of Jim's secret; because it created such distance that it caused harm everywhere it went. Friendships had been ruined, relationships destroyed, and futures demolished. It was all because of that secret, of that lie.

"I did what Jim needed." His voice was sound, too soft for a Vulcan.

"Needed? He needs it much as a-"

Selek stopped him with only a look. "And you know what he needs?" He raised his eyebrow and McCoy remained silence. "Jim did not need the truth. He needed a friend, who would not lecture him. Who would not tell him that he was wrong. He needed to be right."

McCoy stared at Selek, because he knew Selek was right. If Selek had broken Jim's confidence, there was no telling what would've happened, but McCoy knew it wouldn't be good. Being completely alone was a feeling worse than death. It would kill anyone. "Buy why did you push Spock to the truth?"

"I am also the friend that Jim requires."

* * *

After setting down his bag in his quarters, Jim sunk into the bed and stared at the ceiling. He didn't know what came over him, when he saw Uhura, but he didn't like it (well he did like it). The anger that he felt scared him. He would never hit Uhura, but there was some part of him that wanted to hurt her just as she had hurt him. Sure, she hadn't hurt him as bad as McCoy or Spock, but she had hurt him. She was the unvoiced hatred of the crew, and that hurt him in ways that Jim didn't think was possible. The thought that his crew, his trust crew that he would do any for, couldn't trust him ate at him.

The looks from Spock and McCoy were the worse. There was no one that he trusted more than them, and to have them turn on him felt as it his heart had been ripped from his chest with a wooden spoon. Though after a while, he stopped paying attention, but the damage had already been done. His heart had been broken and there was no fixing it. And he didn't care if it was…no, that wasn't true. He didn't want it fix, because he didn't want to feel anymore. He didn't want to be hurt again, because he knew if he couldn't take it again. He barely made it through the last time.

Standing up, he went to the bag and unpacked it. He placed the two uniforms in the closet in the order to keep them nice and clean, not that he cared. Why should he care what he looked like? He wasn't staying with Starfleet. He didn't have to worry about what anyone else thought, even though he had to play along to make Pike happy. He would make sure that Pike was happy with his acting.

Sighing, Jim turned to the replicator and got a drink of water. His very essence screamed for alcohol, but his mind screamed against it. He needed a break from the alcohol, because if he didn't take it easy, he could lose it. He didn't want to be control by alcohol. He didn't want to be controlled by anything, or anyone. He had enough of not having any control over his own life. He was going to take back his own life, even if it killed him.

He swirled the glass as he thought about his life. This wasn't at all how he pictured it. Sure, he never pictured that he would enter Starfleet and become a Captain, but he never expected this. He never expected to be a washout captain with no future. He took a deep breath. He didn't know why he ever expected anything else. He should've learned growing up.

He dropped down into a chair near the replicator, as a sudden weight overcame him. His life had gone so wrong. It wasn't supposed to turn out this way, and Jim knew that thanks to Nero and Selek. He didn't know how to handle that fact. His life wasn't supposed to be this messed up. His fingers danced in the water as he took a deep breath. He wished he didn't know. He wished he had no idea of the other James T. Kirk.

Jim didn't look up when the door slid open. He knew who it was, as he knew her. She would be worried about him. "Aurelan, do you like your quarters?" His wet fingers dropped to his lap and he started to swirl the glass. He stared at the water as it smacked against the glass.

"It's nice. I could do with a new neighbor, though." She eyed the drink in his hand.

Without looking up, he smiled. "I see you're making friends." His eyes were focus on the movement of the water.

She chuckled. "Well, you can switch quarters with me."

"I'm too lazy for that," he laughed.

She snorted. "Oh, I know. And it is such a shame. Your quarters are so much nicer than mine."

Jim glanced toward her. Their quarters were in two completely different sections, and he had no idea if his quarters were nicer than hers. He didn't really care, since he only needed a bed. Who cared about anything else? "So who is this neighbor that you don't like?"

Aurelan was silent, wondering if she should say it. "Your mother," she breathed after a few minutes.

Jim's head shot up. His mother? His mother was here? Sure, he knew she had planned to come and to bring him, but he never thought she would go without him. He doubted anyone would want her here. "Really?" he said through his teeth.

"Yep, and she was oh so happy to see me. Your mother never liked me."

Jim wasn't sure what kind of relationship Aurelan and his mother had, but he knew it was better than his. Anyone's relationship with his mother was better than his, and at first, he wondered why. But now, he knew perfectly well. "You had a better relationship with her than I did." He stood. The thought of his mother made him want to drink even more. He couldn't deal with his ex-lover, ex-best-friend, ex-crew, and his mother all in the same place; however, he wasn't going to drink to hide from his problem anymore.

"Jim," she called slowly to him. Her voice was soft.

"I'm taking a walk," he said suddenly. He disappeared from the room quickly. He needed to get his mind off drinking.

* * *

Though Spock had been worrying about Jim in the most non-Vulcan way, he had other things to worry about (even if it was impossible to think about anything besides Jim). The event was important and he must represent Starfleet. It was his job; however, after the event, he would focus his attention on Jim. He would do everything that he could to find Jim and never let the Human out of his sight, even if Jim would never forget him.

Spock took a deep breath as focusing on Jim now would be would be pointless, because he couldn't do anything from this planet. He needed to focus on what he could do. However, that was impossible. Jim would always be on his mind, and there would not be one second that guilt didn't fill him.

Standing from the mediation rug, Spock straightened his robes and headed to the closet to change into his uniform. There was doubt that Spock would be sane if it wasn't for his mediations. It was the one thing that kept his emotions in check. After changing, he took a quick glance in the mirror. The senior members of the Enterprise were having a meeting later to discuss what was to be expected of them at this event. Spock had no doubt why Pitts wanted to have the meeting. Pitts didn't think too highly of them, and Spock didn't blame him. Betraying one's captain was a horrible offense, and each member of the senior crew besides Mister Scott and Chekov were guilty of it.

After making sure he was presentable, he exited his quarters and headed toward Pitts quarters. Pitts wanted to discuss something with him in private, and Spock could only assume it had to do with the productivity of the crew. It had been decreasing since Kirk's resignation, and they both knew why. The crew wasn't use to the way that Pitts ran the ship, but that didn't mean that Pitts would ease up.

"Spock."

His name pulled him out of his thoughts. "Father," he responded as he turned to him.

"I came to enquire on your emotional state," he said calmly.

Spock stared at his father. Before the death of his mother, his father had never enquired about his mental state. It was a subject that his mother always tried to touch, while his father never did. It was common for Vulcans to keep everything inside even from their mates. He remembered how frustrated his mother was, because she had a hard time getting anything out of his father or him. So it was strange to hear his father ask. "I have a meeting with the Captain that I must attend to." He had no interest in sharing with his father. He knew his father was ashamed of him for his actions against Kirk, and Sarek had every right, because Spock had brought shame to the family. However, he felt betrayed by his father, because Sarek kept Kirk's secret.

"At times, Spock, it is best to speak one's mind."

Sarek had asked Spock to speak his mind before. It had helped him, but he wasn't interested in doing it again. He didn't want to share what he was feeling with anyone. "I do not have time."

"Very well," Sarek responded.

Spock nodded and made his way to the Captain's room, leaving his father alone in the hallway. He walked away in silence, because there was nothing else to say. Making his way to Pitts' room, his mind wandered back to his father. He had no idea what his father was thinking. There was a part of him that wondered. Was his father truly ashamed of him? Did he regret having him as his son?

Entering the room, Spock looked around. Pitts was at the desk, working on the computer, and though his attention was solely focused on the computer, he did not fail to notice Spock's arrival. "Sit, Commander, we have a lots to talk about."

"Yes, Sir." Spock took the seat across from the Captain. "What do we need to talk about?"

"Reassignment of certain members of the Enterprise," Pitts said.

* * *

Sarek stared in the direction that his son went off in. He had been worried about his son's mental state the second he had told him he was ashamed of him. Sarek had never been ashamed of his son before, even when Spock turned down the Vulcan Science Academy. Though he had never showered it, he was always proud of Spock, but his actions toward Kirk were shameful. He was not aware that his son could be so cold to another being; however, he was still his son. He had seen the effects of learning the truth about Jim.

With his arms folded behind his back, Sarek walked through the hallways as he thought. There was a lot on his mind as he thought about the changes in the timeline. He didn't know how much, but he knew that life would have been different. His homeland would still exist as well as Amanda, and it broke his heart, a heart he denied at times, that he knew this wasn't supposed to happen. Amanda was still supposed to be alive and Vulcan was supposed to still be there.

As he walked, he could hear footsteps around the corner. He could tell the footsteps came from a man, who was fairly light in weight. And if Sarek had to judge from the footsteps, the man wasn't in a hurry. It seemed liked the man was walking aimlessly, lost in thought. As Sarek rounded the corner, the man came into view. Sarek focused his eyes on James T. Kirk, who did not think he would ever see again.

"Ambassador Sarek."

"James Kirk, it is nice to see you again," Sarek greeted with a standard Vulcan expression. "I was not expecting your presence here."

Kirk took a deep breath. "I wasn't either, but here I am." He paused as he looked down. "I would like to apology for my actions before. I was rotten to you."

Sarek took a deep long look at Kirk. "There is no need to apology to me."

Kirk jumped in quickly. "Why? Because it's illogical?" he asked, snappy.

"No," Sarek answered, startling Kirk. "You were not in the wrong." Kirk stared at him, blinking. "My son was wrong. In turn, we were wrong."

Kirk just stared. It was clear that he wasn't expecting it. "Sir?"

"I believe it is us, who should apology to you."

Kirk's month hung open.

"Spock had acted shamefully, and I have told him this," he said as he crossed to Kirk.

There was silence. "You told Spock you were ashamed of him," Kirk said slowly after a few seconds. "Does that mean he knows?" He reflexed his fist.

"He does," Sarek answered.

"Who told him?" Kirk asked harshly.

Sarek stared at Kirk, as he tried to figure out what Kirk was thinking. "I do not know. He came to me to find out why you told me instead of him. He was greatly hurt by that."

Kirk's face was distorted at that though. "I don't care. I just want to know how long he knew and who the hell told him."

"James, does it matter? He is truly sorry for the pain that he has caused you."

"You're worried about him? Aren't you supposed to be ashamed of him?" Kirk snapped. "I don't care what he's feeling! He has no right to worry about me!" He shook his head and took a few steps away from the Vulcan. He stared at the wall as he tried to figure out what to say. "I'm over him," he said after a few seconds.

"I never said you were not," Sarek commented as he turned to face Kirk's back.

"Because I am," he muttered. Kirk shook his head again and turned away from the wall.

"Of course, James Kirk," Sarek said. He watched Kirk closely.

"I'm sorry for snapping at you."

"There is no need to apology. I believe I have already told you that," Sarek responded.

Kirk laughed. "I need to remember that." He turned his head to look at Sarek. "Thank you," he said and turned away. "See you later, Ambassador." Kirk disappeared around a corner and out of sight.

Sarek watched him go. It was nice to see Kirk and how he was doing. He wished he could do something for Kirk, because he had started to consider Kirk family, and Spock had hurt him.

* * *

"So he knows," Jim muttered. He always wondered what would happen when Spock found out the truth. He wondered if Spock would seek him out. There was a part of him that hoped that Spock would, but there was also a part of him that wished that he would never see Spock again. However, Spock didn't need to seek him out, when they were both on the same goddamn planet going to the same goddamn party.

There was no doubt that Spock would see him and now since he knew, he would want to speak with him. But Jim didn't want to speak with him. He had no interest in speaking with him. He hoped that he could avoid him, and he would do everything in his power to do so.

As he walked, Jim came across a bar. He could see the alcohol and he could practically smell and taste it. Before he was able to fight off the urge to drink, but now, he didn't know if he had the will power. He didn't think he would be able to deal with both Spock and McCoy (there was no doubt that McCoy knew). He needed a drink. Grabbing a stool at the bar, Jim took a seat. The bartender came over and asked him what he wanted. Jim ordered a beer, and the man set the glass down in front of Jim and walked away.

Jim stared at the glass. He swirled it and watched the alcohol as it flew around the glass. He stared at it for god knew how long as he struggled with himself. He knew what it did to him, and he wanted to keep himself in check. But it was so tempting. He stopped swirling it and brought it to his noise. He smelt it, which wasn't a good idea. It made him want to drink it more. He put it down and glared at it. He didn't need it. He really did need it.

But he wanted it. He really really wanted it. But should he? Would one drink hurt? He didn't think one drink would hurt. He wasn't a light weight in any means, and he could handle quite a few drinks before he even felt it. He picked up the glass and bright it to be slips. He tipped the glass up.

"Kaptain Kirk!"

Startled, Jim put down his drink and looked in the direction that he heard his name. "Chekov," he muttered as he saw the Russian. Why did he keep running into people from the Enterprise? But he didn't mind this one. He missed the little cute Russian.

"Kaptain Kirk," he yelled again as he ran over to Jim. When he got there, he hugged Jim tightly. "I missed you."

Jim didn't know what to do, as Chekov hug him. "You can let me go now," he stated calmly.

"O, sorry," he said in a thick Russian ascent. He took a step back and smiled at Jim. "I knev I sav you! Scotty didn't beliewe me!"

Jim laughed as he looked at Chekov's face. The kid was a really adorable kid, and if (big if) he took the new ship, he would make sure that Chekov was assigned to that ship. "He should now." He picked up the glass, still tempted to drink it. "How are you, Chekov?"

"I'm vell! But I don't like the nev Kaptain. Ve miss you ."

Jim figured the crew would've enjoyed him not being there, but he guessed not. He had only meet Captain Pitts once, and he knew he didn't like him. Pitts was very over bearing in the conversion that Jim had with Pike, and that was just a conversion. He hated to see how he was in charge. He felt bad for the enterprise, but they needed it. "Is that so? Captain Pitts can't be that bad?"

"But he is!"

Jim knew he was, but there wasn't anything he could do about…well unless he took up Pike's offer. He could take back his Enterprise…When was it his ship again? "You have to give him a chance." He stood up and held the glass close to his chest.

"I did, Sir!" Chekov said loudly. "He is wean, Kaptian."

The area started to get noise as people filled into the room. Jim scanned the crowd. "It doesn't matter. He's your Captain." He didn't know why he was defending the Captain. He didn't really like him.

"I knov, Sir," he said, sounding like a puppy. He backed as he looked at the clock on the wall. "I hawe to go. Meeting vith the Kaptian."

Jim looked over the crowd one last time. "I should be-" The glass fell from his hand and shattered as it hit the floor. The alcohol soaked everything as it was a full glass.

Chekov became very worried about his Captain, yes his Captain. "Vhat wrong, Kaptain Kirk?"

This couldn't be happening. Jim should've known that they would be here, but he never thought that he would run into the Daleniens here.

"Kaptain?"

"I need to get out of here," Jim said softly. It was almost impossible to hear.

Chekov looked at Jim and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Let's go."

"What about your meeting?" Jim asked very shaky. His whole body was shaking.

Chekov smiled. "Vhat meeting?"

* * *

Uhura hated herself. How could she have done that to Jim? Could she not see that he was hurting? She didn't care before. It was all about Spock, because she loved him. She was worried about him and she couldn't see anything else. She should've noticed that something was wrong. She prided herself in her ability as a communication officer; she should've seen the signs. Walking toward Pitts's quarters, she decided she was going to tell Spock, because he needed to know. He had to know, so he could fix it.

Entering the quarters, she could see Spock standing near the back wall, while Pitts sat at his desk. McCoy was sitting quietly in a chair in a corner. Sulu was also sitting in a chair across from Pitts with a P.A.D.D. on his lap. Scotty was leaning by the door with a P.A.D.D. in his hand. Chekov was missing, which was strange. That boy was never late to anything. It made her worry, but she had other more important things to worry about. She needed to tell Spock right away, so they could save Jim. Maybe, they could get him back.

Uhura rushed toward Spock, but she didn't make it. "Lt Uhura, you can talk to your boyfriend after the meeting," Pitts said, glaring at her.

"Yes, Sir," she said, not bothering to correct him.

But Spock did. "She is not my girlfriend."

Pitts stared at him and turned to the door. "Where is Chekov? Have any one seen Ensign Chekov?" No one had seen him, and Pitts sounded angry. He muttered something to himself. "Let's get down to business."

_Yes, it's over!_ Uhura thought as the meeting ended. She needed to speak with Spock.

Spock was the first one of the room, and it was clear that something was on his mind. McCoy was next, followed by Sulu and Scotty. Uhura tried to get out before than them, but she couldn't. They were the closest to the door. By the time, she made it out of the door. Spock was down the hallway.

"Spock!" She yelled, startling everyone around her. They stared at her as she ran down the hallway. Spock stopped and turned around. He remained there, most likely wondering if he wanted to wait or not. "Spock, please wait! This is about Kirk." The one name froze everyone.

"What is it, LT. Uhura?" Spock asked, interested. "It has better be important as I will not stand for insults against Kirk."

McCoy followed up behind her, but he didn't say anything. Sulu and Scotty stood a few yards away from McCoy.

Uhura looked away. She had started to wonder if she should do this, but she had to. She had to tell them the truth. "K-Jim," she started, switching to his first name. She couldn't be distance with this. "He didn't cheat on you." Her statement startled everyone, because it was the last thing anyone thought she would say.

"I know, LT Uhura, but how do you know?" Spock asked.

Uhura blinked. How did he know? And why wasn't he trying to find Kirk?

McCoy stared at Uhura. "Yea, how do you know?" Sulu and Scotty were watching in silence.

"He told me!" So McCoy knew too? And he wasn't trying to find Kirk, either? What kind of a best friend was McCoy?

"And you believe him now?" McCoy asked as he stepped toward her. "What changed?"

Uhura brought her hands to her chest, wondering if she should tell them in the middle of the hallway, but they had to know that they were wrong, even if they already seemed to know. "He told me truth that he was raped." She thought she could hear a pin drop.

"When? When did he tell you this?" McCoy snarled. "And you didn't tell us before? Did you enjoy his pain?"

"You have no room to talk!" She glared at him. She was confused. Did or didn't he know? "He told me today," Uhura said. She was too worried about Jim to care about McCoy's snarl.

"How?" Sulu asked. Scotty was silent. McCoy was glaring at her, and Spock was just staring at her.

"He's here."

* * *

I hoped you liked it.


	11. USS Future?

Hola, How are you all doing? Sorry for the long wait, but here it is. There have been enough bugging that I decided to update.

I do not own Star Trek and either do i make Money from this.

I wanted to response to a few reviews that I got.

The scene in Chapter 6 with Dr Martin...I had to a few comments about that. I do in fact regret that scene, but it needed to happen, but I went around it the work way. I am sorry for that.

And yes, there is a reason why Jim went back to Iowa after resigning. It was there that where it started and he went back there to pretend that he never went to Starfleet. He wanted to hide from the World, from what he had become.

And he never kept up with any of his family so he had no idea of where any of them were living. He wouldn't have known that he was living close to his family.

And there is a reason why Aurelan could convince Jim to go unlike his family. They had motives and she had none. She had no reason to do what she did, which was why he was willing to listen. And he was ready to listen.

Hope you enjoy the chapter.

* * *

Chapter 11

The U.S.S. Future?

* * *

Jim stood in front of the mirror, playing with the collar of his uniform. He would switch into his formal robes later, but for now, he would remain in the standard uniform to meet with Admiral Pike. Pike had requested his presence and he ordered him to wear the damn uniform. He didn't want to, as it reminded him how much he missed it, but he made a deal with Pike, and he wasn't going to go back on his part of the deal. He was a man of his word to the very end.

Stepping away from the mirror, he took a deep breath and headed to the door. He knew he agreed to this, but that did not mean he had to like it. He didn't like it, because it just reminded him how much his life sucked. It reminded him how much he missed the captain's chair. It reminded him of how good life was and good it could do. He knew he could never go back and it hurt.

The door to his room slid open to reveal Pike, and to Jim's happiness, no Pitts. Jim couldn't stand that man and he wouldn't admit why to anything or anyone. "Pike," he greeted with a slight smile that he had to force. It didn't have anything to do with Pike, though Jim wouldn't explain that to the old man. It had to do with everything else.

"Jim," he greeted back. He took a real long look at Jim, which didn't sit well with the blond. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you look horrible."

"Geez, and I thought I look so cute," he replied, running his hand through his hair. He headed past Pike to the door.

"Jim," Pike called after him.

"I don't want to talk about it."

Pike took a deep breath. "You never want to talk about it."

He had good reason to why he didn't want to talk about it, and no, he wouldn't admit those reasons for anything, even under torture. "Why did you invite them?" he asked after a few moments of silence. He wondered why Starfleet would invite both the Daleniens and him. But if Jim were to think about it, he knew the reason. No one in their right mind though he was going to show up. Hell, he didn't think he would end up here. It took his brother's ex-girlfriend to convince him to come, when no one else could. She didn't have any had any hided motives like his mother.

"First, I didn't invite anyone. I'm just an Admiral; I don't have that power," Pike said, staring at Jim's back. "And two, who are you taking about? You mother? Starfleet didn't invite her. She talked her way in with the Federation."

Though he didn't want to deal with his mother, it wasn't the issue. Jim shook his head and turned back to Pike. He took a deep breath. "The Daleniens."

Pike took a deep breath. "Jim….I… Jim." He struggled to find the right words.

"You knew?" Jim roared. "You know those things are here?" He shook his head. "How could you invite those beasts?" For the first time, Jim saw anger in Pike's eyes. Why was he so angry? He wasn't raped, wasn't shunned off his own ship, and lost everything that he ever cared about. AND Pike was blackmailing him. He couldn't forget about that. Why would he care about Pike's anger? "They destroy everything that they come into contact with. They deserve-"

"ENOUGH," Pike snapped. "Just enough! You can't judge a whole race by one person. Just look at the human race. We're filled with murders and rapists."

Jim knew that Pike was right, but he didn't care. Daleniens were alike and that was evidence when they tried to force Starfleet into handling Jim over to his rapist.

"And only a certain nobles were invited from Dalenius. You should know that doesn't include Salean."

Salean was the name of the one, who raped Jim, and it still sent chills down his spine. He never wanted to hear that name again. "How do you know that he isn't with them?"

"You know as well as I do that no one can sneak into a Starfleet event."

Jim shook his head and turned his back on Pike. He wasn't in the mood to talk anymore, as if he wanted to talk in the first place, and it wouldn't do any good anyways, because they would just get into a fight over the Daleniens. "Let's just get this over with."

It wasn't as bad as Jim thought it would be: meeting and discussing Starfleet items with other officers. Jim would never admit the fact that he enjoyed it, because he didn't, well…that was what he told himself. He didn't want to admit that he liked talking to these old Starfleet Goats, who kept telling him that he should be the New Captain of the U.S.S. Providence. A part of him wished he could take that ship, while other a part of him want to be the Captain of the Enterprise again (like that would happen); however, there was a third a part of him that wanted nothing to do with Starfleet. Jim had no idea which part of himself to choose, and that was the problem with Pike's deal. It made him doubt everything. It made him doubt all of his decisions that he made.

He did not like that feeling. He did not like it at all.

Jim sat with his back against the wall as Pike argued with a few other Admirals. About what? He didn't care. He stopped listening after the first hour, as he couldn't take how stupid they sounded. He didn't understand how people would fight over the same thing for over two hours. To him, it seemed pointless and a waste of time to fight over anything, when no one wanted to change their minds, but he knew that someone had to agreed. Someone had to change their mind. Eventually one of the Admirals would need to change his or her mind and the other ones would follow suit.

He eyed the Admirals. He had an idea of who would fold first and it was the big Women, who looked like she smelled something disgusting. His first reaction was that it was him (and he wasn't referring to his smell as he didn't smell), but it appeared that all of the Admirals were pleased at his presence, which surprised him but at the same time didn't. No, he realized that she had no interest in things like these. She was like him in the sense that she would rather be in the action than talking about the actions. She was probably a recently promoted Admiral, who missed the field.

The Admiral next the big woman, in Jim's opinion, would be the hardest to convince. The thin man was leaning on the table with his eyes scanning the other admirals, but his eyes never stayed on anyone for too long. He looked at each of them like they were inferior, which didn't stay well with Jim.

Next to that Admiral was a bigger set Admiral, who seemed like he had been to too many weightlifter challenges, but Jim would tell from the Admiral eyes that he was an old softly with a kind soul. This man was already on Pike's side, but he would be a very useful tool to gain support.

There were a few other Admirals present, but they were the same to Jim and they were yelling at each other. Jim wasn't sure if it was over the same thing or something else, but again, he didn't care. He didn't even know why he was in this damn meeting. Even if he wasn't really a captain anymore, he had no reason to be in this meeting, but he guessed Pike wanted to keep him close, which was smart.

Jim wondered for a brief second what his old crew was doing at that moment. Did Uhura tell everyone his deep dirty secret? Were they looking for him? He hoped they weren't as he didn't want to deal with them. Did that change anything if they were sorry? Would he cave if they all came to him on their knees? He would like to think he wouldn't, but he wouldn't know until he was in that situation.

"Captain Kirk."

Though he would like to see them suffer for the pain that they each caused him, he didn't want to become that kind of person, who enjoyed the pain of others. That would mean he was one of them.

"Kirk."

Was someone calling his name?

"JIM!"

His head flew up to the whole room looking at him. _O, great… What did I miss?_ He took a deep breath before taking a long at Pike. "Yes?"

"What do you think?" Pike asked with a slight smile and it was clear that he knew that Jim wasn't paying attention.

_Shit…._ What should he do? Should he admit that he wasn't paying attention? In school when he admitted that he wasn't paying attention, it made him look cool, but that was then. If he did that now, he would look like a fool. He was James T. Kirk, and he wouldn't allow himself to look like a damn fool, even if he was a fool. "Why would you like the option of a Captain, who hadn't been on a Starship in months?"

"You're not just any Captain, Captain Kirk," the Big Women Admiral said. Her eyes soften a bit, when she looked at him.

"Yes, I know, but still…" Jim didn't want to finish that sentence and he knew he didn't have to. They all knew what happen to him and they all knew that he wasn't….stable. Well, they had idea, but only Pike really knew how unstable he was at the moment.

"Nothing changes the fact that you're the reason why we're here," said the lean Admiral, who looked like he was sitting on glass. "So what do you think?"

Jim still had no idea of what they were talking about; he could guess, but he wouldn't what to say. He took a glance at Pike, who still had a slight smile on his face, which may or may not be helpful. Jim straightened up in his seat and took a deep breath. One way or another, he would be making a fool about himself. He might as well look cool like a pickle. Hey, he liked pickles. "No idea is prefect and there'll be problems with each idea," Jim started, taking a look around the room, "but with the right person, those issues can be tackled." He had no idea if there were really any issues… "I believe that it's good idea as long as there is 100% effort place in it." Shit, he just spoke out his ass….and it sounded stupid.

Pike stood and had a big smile on his face, which made Jim wonder what the fuck just happened. "And does that help you, Admiral Komack?"

That surprised him as Jim didn't even know that man was here. He glanced toward the man, who sitting in the corner of the room, and he was staring right back at him. What was happening? Jim didn't have an idea and he hated it.

"I had no doubts to begin with, and now, I believe it would be a great idea. I believe this will bring support our cause," Komack said, looking around the room. "Are we all agreed?" All the Admirals nodded, which surprised Jim as none of them could agree before…What did Jim agree to? "Then it is settled." He stood, which cued the others.

Jim looked around still unsure of what the hell just happened, but he knew the meeting had come to an end.

"James Kirk will be the New Captain of the U.S.S. Providence," Komack said as they, besides Pike, all headed to the door.

Jim stood so fast that the room spun and no words of protest came to lips as all of the Admirals left leaving Jim alone with Pike.

"Jim, are you okay?" Pike asked.

Shaking his head, Jim spoke, ''WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" He took another deep breath to calm himself as yelling wouldn't help anyone. He had done enough of that.

"If you were paying attention, Jim, you would know exactly what that was," Pike said, leaning against the wall. "It was the reason why you were here. Why else would I bring a Captain to an Admiral Meeting?"

Fuck, Jim knew there was a reason. "Why didn't you tell me?" Pike only stared at him. "Fine, fine. I guessed I should've paid attention, but you ambushed me!" His hands balled. Sure, he would love to captain that ship, but he couldn't. He wasn't ready….well that was what he told himself, and he wouldn't be ready if he didn't move forward. "You tricked me! You know I'm resigning _again_ after this. Why in hell would you give me a ship?!"

"I know, but I need people to think you're the Captain. I won't bore you with the reason why. After the gala, we can say that you can't accept the ship due to Medical Reasons, but right now just agree to it."

He couldn't believe this. How could this happen to him? Giving him ship knowing that he would just walk away from it. That was going to hurt, when he did give it up. "I know what you're thinking. That I won't resign and take the commission."

"I think you know, but in case you don't, your medical leave will give you the perfect reason not to take the commission if it's your wish to resign."

"Fine, I'll pretend to take the commission for the time being." He shook his head. "Why do I feel like a puppet?"

"It isn't just you."

* * *

Aurelan sat at the bar with a drink in her hand. She had just ran into Jim's mother, who had dragged Sam along with her, and the sight of her ex was just too much for her. However, it could've been worse if Sam's wife would've come as well. She didn't think she would be able to deal with the woman, but that didn't matter as Winona was worse than she remembered. A part of her felt bad for Mrs. Sam Kirk, but another part was glad as it was the best kind of torture. Sam, on the other hand, was exactly how she remembered him, and she had to remind herself that he was taken. She took a deep breath.

If it wasn't for Jim, she would leave, but she wouldn't abandon him here to fend for himself, even if she had every urge to do so. He needed her, when he was surrendered by sharks. She still couldn't under how anyone could betray Jim the way they did. It didn't matter what he did, even if he did something. He was their Captain and he needed them.

She downed the drink and ordered another one. She knew she shouldn't be drinking, as Jim was struggling with the issue himself. She needed to be strong for him, but she needed to drink. The Bartender set another glass in front of her and she grabbed it quickly.

"You should never drink along," a stranger said in a southern accent.

Aurelan turned her head to the stranger, who was wearing a Blue Starfleet uniform with a medical badge. "And you should never drink with strangers."

"True," he said slowly, but he still took the seat next to her. "Leonard McCoy," he said as the Bartender handed him a drink. "It's nice to meet you." He tipped his glass to her.

McCoy? Jim's McCoy? The bastard who betrayed his best friend? Her blood started to boil. How could anyone do that to his or her friend? It made her sick.

The friend -betrayer took a deep slip of his glass. "So what's a lady like you doing here?"

"Not talking to a bastard like you," she said, standing up. The room spun. But she didn't care.

"Now wait a second." He remained sitting, but he rotated to face her.

"What? You don't like my tone? It's what you deserve for turning your back on your best friend," she paused as she noticed the look on his face. "You and that so called crew treated Jim like shit!" She picked up her drink and threw it in his face. "You deserve so much more!" She yelled before storming away.

* * *

So he was once again a Captain of a Starfleet Vessel and it felt….it felt nice. No, that wasn't quite right. It felt great, so fucken great, and he didn't know if he would be able to give it up. Maybe that was Pike's plan in the first place and for that Jim loved and hated him, but would it be so bad for him to take the Vessel? He hated that fucken farm house. He hated that fucken town. He hated being Normal. He wanted to be something more, which was what being Starfleet was all about. But he wouldn't go anywhere else. It was safe. He didn't have to worry about people. By going back to that town, it was like Starfleet days never happened.

But…

Jim took a deep breath as he stared at the clear liquid in the glass in front of him.

It didn't matter what he wanted, because he wasn't stable. The glass in front of him was proof of that. A ship could not have an unstable leader, and that was what he was. He tried to kill himself, he had a habit of drinking himself to death, and he could rather shot first. Granted he hadn't shot anyone, but he did almost kill those cadets. He was also judging a whole race by just one person. Pike was right earlier about the Daleniens, even if Jim didn't want him to be. He never wanted to forgive that race for what it did to him, but he also knew he couldn't really blame the whole race.

Jim stared at himself in the mirror as he wore his formal Uniform, which he hated, but at the moment, he enjoyed the feeling of being in the gray dress uniform. It made him feel like he was worth something, and with that feeling, James T. Kirk felt like he could do anything. He smiled, really smiled, even if he knew this would end. He wouldn't allow himself, an unstable person, to take control over a ship.

He took a deep breath and turned away from the mirror, when the door to his room opened. "Captain Pitts," he said. He wasn't expecting to see him at his door. Well, he didn't want to see him at his door for that man had everything that he had let go.

"I hear you decided to take the Providence."

"So," Jim muttered. Sure, he didn't really take it, but no one was supposed to know that. Besides, it would really be his ship for a short time.

"So you don't want the Enterprise anymore?"

Though Jim knew Pitts was just a filler, it was still strange that Pitts wanted him to take the ship from him. "The Enterprise doesn't want me," he said bitterly. "Let's talk about something else."

"How are you, Kirk?"

Jim stared at this man. Why would he care about him? "Fine, why?"

"You don't need to lie to me. I know you aren't fine." Pitt leaned back against a wall, watching Jim like a hawk. "I know that you aren't all there. You haven't been complete since you were raped."

How did everyone know that? C'mon, it was confidential. "I should've known that you knew." Pitts must be someone if he knew. The question was who he was to Starfleet.

"I do think you should keep the Providence. It'll help you heal."

Jim stared at him. He didn't know if he wanted to be angry or listen to the advice of the old man. He had no right to tell him what to do, but at the same time, he needed to listen to someone else. Because listening to himself wasn't working and it was only hurting him. He didn't know when he had become so negative with himself, because he knew he was negative about himself before the Rape. "What do you know about me?" It wasn't as harsh as he would have liked.

"I know more than you think, Kirk," Pitts said. He looked over Jim, but Jim could not see one judgmental look. "You won't heal unless you let yourself heal." He straightened himself away from the wall.

Jim wanted to argue with him, but there was nothing that Pitt said which was wrong. Jim wouldn't allow himself to heal as he kept everything inside and he refused to let anyone in. He had let Selek in, well somewhat and that had saved him. He didn't think he would've last on the Enterprise without that old Vulcan. "Is that the reason for your visit? To lecture me?" Sure, he could use the advice, but he was sick of people telling him that he was wrong.

"No, Kirk." With that he turned and headed toward the door, but before he left the confused Jim, he said one last thing. "Don't worry about Ensign Chekov. There will be no punishment." Pitts was gone.

"What was that all about?" Jim shook his head. Pitts was up to something, but Jim didn't know what. He would assume that it was the same thing that Pike was up to. But he was glad his Russian was safe.

The door to his room slid open.

"Dude, I don't want…" Jim turned around to see Selek, who he hadn't seen since the meld. "O' Hey, I didn't know it was you."

"Clearly," Selek said as he stepped into the room. "How are you feeling, Jim?"

Though Jim knew that Selek wasn't like other Vulcans, it was still strange to be asked how he felt. "Truly, like Shit, but I do feel better than I did."

"I am pleased to hear that. You have come a long way since the last time I saw you," Selek said. His eyes were soft.

"Well considering I was in a hospital bed, I can see why," Jim teased. He always felt comfortable round Selek; he would almost feel like himself.

Selek walked across the room and toward the glass on the top. "Have you been drinking, Jim?"

"Not today," Jim muttered. He hated that he couldn't stop drinking and that he was disappointing Selek by drinking. "I'm…" Jim started, but didn't finish as Selek silenced with his hand.

"You can never disappoint me, Jim. I admire your strength," Selek said.

Jim laughed. "I don't have any strength."

"You cannot see it, but you do. You would not be here if you did not."

"Keep this stuff up and I might believe you," Jim said as crossed to the bed and sat down.

"Then I shall keep saying it," Selek said as he picked up the glass and dumped it out in the bathroom. Jim just watched as Selek came back into the room. "You do not need to drink, Jim, to forget the past. You need to remember that you have a future."

"You talk as if it's easy. It's not."

"Jim, I never-"

Jim cut him off. "I know. I know. I'm trying. Maybe, not like everyone wants me to, but I am. It's just going to take some time." He knew that Selek was correct, and he wanted to believe him, but he needed to forget the past as it was haunting him, telling him that he wasn't good enough.

"Let's take a walk," Selek said, heading back toward the door.

"Okay," Jim said, as he headed out the door with Selek. He felt safe with the old Vulcan even though he knew that the main event was going to start soon, and he knew he would run into his worst nightmares.

Jim stood at the entrance of the main hall. He had seen the room yesterday and he didn't believe it was this big.

Though the event wasn't supposed to start for a few more hours, Pike had requested Jim's presence, and if Jim had to guess, he supposed it had to do with the Providence as its hologram was in the center of the hall. Jim wouldn't stop staring at the ship as it could be his if he wanted it. He did want it, but he wanted a lot of things, which he couldn't have. Jim took a deep breath.

The room had a blue theme to, which Jim thought had to do with the Planet's obsession with water. The inhabitants had placed a great value on water as they saw it as the beginning of all life. Though Jim had to give it to them, he did not like the idea of walking in water during the whole event. Granted it was only an inch of water, but it was enough to make a mess of everything. It soaked the bottom of his pants and water sprayed every time he took a step, but nonetheless the inhabitants thought of it as a blessing every time water touched their skin.

He looked around the room and noticed the stage, which had the Federation Symbol proudly displayed in different shades of blue. Blue columns, which looked like ice, shined brightly at the sides of the stage. Clear tables were scattered around the room and chairs circled each table. The blue lights made the tables sparkle as if they were sitting in moon light. Jim had to admit that the room looked nice, but he could do without the water on the floor.

Next to the Providence that attracted Jim's attention again stood Pike, who held a P.A.D.D. in his hand. He was looking at it with a hard glance. "Pike, you called?" he asked, when he finally decided to enter the room.

Pike looked and narrowed his eyes at him. "Sometimes, I think you're a child."

Jim shrugged. "Aren't we all children when we look at it? We'll never know everything that we should. Wisdom is what separate children from adults."

"Even if we have wisdom, it does not make us adults."

"Isn't that the truth?" Jim asked as he crossed to the Hologram. "So what did you want to discuss? And No, I don't want to talk about _it_, and I don't want to talk about _them._" Jim could not stress that enough.

"No, I get the fact that you refuse to talk about it and I know pushing you won't help," Pike said as he turned his back on hologram. "But I'm here if you want to talk about it."

It touched Jim to heart to hear Pike say that as the old man was like a father to him. "I know and thank you," he said. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"The Providence," Pike said as he handed him the P.A.D.D. "You need to look this over before tonight." It was clear why as the Providence seemed to be a key figure in tonight events. "She's quite the ship."

"I bet." Jim looked it really quick, and he could see that it was something, which he would love to Captain. "Is there something else?"

"It'll be announced tonight that you'll be the Captain."

Jim couldn't help but grind his teeth. He didn't want it to be announced as he was just going to resign again. It would just make it worse, because he knew people would be laughing at him, well more than usual. "I guess I can deal with that," he said through his teeth.

"Jim," he spoke.

"Do I need to do anything special?" Jim hoped he didn't have to name a crew anything, because that would suck.

"Nothing too special. Just nod and look pretty." That was something Jim could do. "And oh, during the event, you just need to socialize with some of the Officials."

_Urgh_, Jim thought. That was the worst part of these things. He hated talking about politics with key officials as they each had their own opinion, which was always correct. They also had a god complex to them as they thought they were gifts from the heavens, but really, they were just annoying pests. "Really? I thought I was done with that shit." Though officials annoyed, he hated talking small talk. He sucked at it.

"You'll never be done with it, Captain Kirk," Pike laughed.

"Really? Oh' man, that sucks," he laughed.

"Yes, even if your resign. You'll always be the great James T. Kirk."

"I don't know about the great a part, but I guess I'll always be James T. Kirk….well I could change my name." He tried to hand back the P.A.D.D., but Pike made no effort to take it back.

"To what?" Pike joked.

"Well, Chris seems like a good name," Jim teased, as he turned away from Pike to stare the Hologram. He missed being a Captain, and although he thought about of how much he missed it, he knew he couldn't go back, as he didn't trust himself. He was up and down; he had no idea of how he would react any more.

"You can't have that name. It's mine."

"Well, hey, I'm James T. Kirk. If I want it, I can have it," Jim joked. It felt weird to say those words, because they were true. He had the choice to come back to the Starfleet or not. It was all up to him. He just had to say yes.

Pike smirked. "Now, that's what I want to hear, but you still can't have my name."

"You can't copyright name."

"I can, and I did." Pike chucked as he turned away from the hologram and slowly walked away. "I'll see you later, Captain. Don't be late."

"I'm never late," Jim said.

* * *

George Samuel Kirk was his own person, who would never live in any one's shadow, even though he shared the name of his dead father. You would've thought that he would've been haunted by that fact, but he wasn't. He didn't care that his father died a hero; in fact, he was pissed. How could his father die and leave his family behind? Sure, he knew his father had saved hundreds of people's lives, but that didn't change the fact that he left his family alone with his memory that wouldn't let them live. But he refused to let it control him. He wouldn't allow anyone to direct his life, which was why he ran away from home and never looked back. But that didn't mean he didn't think about the life he left behind.

Every single day, he worried about his little brother, who was haunted by the ghost. Unlike him, Jim looked like their dead father, and unlike him, Jim had to live in their father's shadow. He had to prove that he was worth the death of their father, even if it wasn't his fault, and it was impossible for him live up to their father's shadow, which Jim was reminded of every single day by their mother and Frank.

And now, Jim was suffering again and there was nothing he could do to help his little brother, even if tried, because Jim didn't want his help. He didn't blame Jim as he did abandon when they were kids. He left him along in the torture, and for that he would never forgive himself.

So there was George Samuel Kirk, or as commonly known as Sam, sitting at the Bar before one of the biggest Federation events of the year, and he wasn't drinking even though he wanted to. He wanted to drink and he would always have that desire to drink, but like with his father's death, he would not allow it to control him. However, he was worried about Jim's problem with drinking, because it was an issue. He had seen how it affected Jim and Sam didn't want that for his brother. He loved him, even if Jim didn't believe him.

Sam took a slip of his nonalcoholic drink, as he thought about life. Though he needed to help his brother, his mind did wander to Aurelan, who he still cared about. He had no idea of why she was here; he knew he had asked her to look for Jim, but he had no idea if she had found him. He would assume she did and she was here with him, but he couldn't be sure. He doubted that Jim would be here.

And why would he want to come here, when he was faced with the past? One of Jim's biggest problems was facing the past. He could deal with the unknown of the future, but he couldn't deal with the unchanging past. The fact that he couldn't change it, couldn't fix it, was the issue. He was afraid of things he couldn't change and Sam could see it as clear of as day.

The older Kirk brother swirled his drink as his mind went back to Aurelan and him. Sam shared the same fear as his brother, but he was willing to look at it and learn from it…well, that was what he told himself. He wasn't sure if he was lying to himself or not.

He downed his drink as if it was alcohol, and he wondered if it would affect him like Alcohol if he thought hard enough. Sure, he enjoyed the feeling that it gave him, but he hated that it took away all of his choices.

Sam took a deep breath as he took a long around. There were a few others, who were drinking unlike him, but none caught his eye besides the Vulcan at the end of the Bar, which was strange. Though he hadn't met any Vulcans, he would bet his ass that they didn't go to bar and get wasted….not that Alcohol would get them wasted. Sam wasn't quite sure what would get a Vulcan wasted, but he doubted they ever got wasted. That wasn't logical, not at all, and those Vulcans loved their logical, even if they didn't use emotions.

His interest was peaked as to why the Vulcan was drinking, though he wasn't sure what he was drinking. Sam stared at the Young Vulcan, who he couldn't guess the age of. He would guess that the Vulcan was about his age, but he couldn't really be sure as they aged differently than humans, and that was okay with Sam. He didn't want to live that long.

The Vulcan was a part of Starfleet, which Sam could tell by the clean cut blue Starfleet Uniform that he was wearing. His hair was prefect without a hair out place, and his uniform looked like it just came from the cleaners. His shoes were shined perfectly, but Sam could see that the Vulcan was out of place and it wasn't the fact that the Vulcan was in a bar. He didn't need to be an expert to see the emotion on the Vulcan's face.

Sam stood up and walked over to the Vulcan as he was curious. "Are you okay, Commander?" He asked, noticing that the Vulcan was a First officer, which was a bit odd. Though Vulcan was destroyed changing many destinies, Vulcans didn't enter Starfleet.

The Vulcan didn't look up from his drink. "That would involve an illogical emotion."

Sam should've guessed that he would say that.

"And I do not practice the art of-how do you humans say it- 'spouting off life stories to total strangers'."

"You're a ball of sunshine, aren't you? So fun to be around."

"I do not see the purpose of comparing me to the Rays of the Sun as I am either hot nor a ray," he said, placing his glass down. "I do not see the logic of being 'fun.'"

"Well, that's not fun," Sam said for the lack of anything else to say.

"Fun is illogical."

"You said that before." The Vulcan looked up and stared at him, which startled him. The Vulcan was staring at him with the strangest look in his eyes. "You okay?"

"You look familiar," The Commander answered.

Sam knew he never met this Vulcan; heck, he didn't meet any. He knew Jim knew a few Vulcans like that Old one, who their mother didn't like. Sam could never quite figure out why their mother disliked the old Vulcan, but he wasn't going to try to figure out. There was no logic to his mother insanity. "I don't know any Vulcans, so I don't know why I would look familiar."

The Vulcan looked away like he was ashamed. "It is not you. You look like my Captain…my Old Captain," he corrected.

Sam stood there and stared. There was only person that he looked like and that was Jim, who had been a captain. He knew Jim's first officer was a Vulcan, and he knew that something happened between them, something bad, but he was unsure of what it was, though he knew it had hurt his brother badly. That angered him. He didn't know how, but he hurt his baby brother. "So you're the Famous Commander Spock of the U.S.S. Enterprise?"

"I am," Spock answered.

"I know why I look familiar," Sam said. Spock glanced at him before looking away. "People say I look like my brother," he paused to see if the Vulcan would jump in, but he didn't. "You know him. He was your Captain after all." Spock's head turned back to him. "Yep, I'm the brother of the James T. Kirk. The name's George Samuel Kirk or Sam as people call me." He stared at the Vulcan intently stare. "And you're the one who hurt my baby Brother." He didn't know what happened, but he would let anyone hurt his baby Brother.

* * *

I hoped you like it. At first, I didn't know if I wanted Sam to come with Winona, but I doubted she would go by herself and there was no way that Frank was going to go.

Well until next time...hopefully, it won't take too long...and Sorry for the grammar...maybe proof that I am not a writer.


	12. USS Destiny?

**Hola!  
**

Long time, I know, and thanks MoonstarWorld, who beta-ed this for me!

I hope you enjoy this!

**Cheers! And oh, I do not own Star Trek, but it would be cool if I did.  
**

* * *

**Chapter 12: **

**U.S.S. Destiny?**

* * *

Jim stared out in to the distance as he stood on a balcony. He had a nice view of the Planet, which was mostly covered by water. He could see the water's remarkable glow and it was impressive. He wasn't sure what made the water glow, but it was glowing brightly. It made everything, even things in space, shine in a blue green color.

Jim didn't want to go back to his quarters nor stay in the hall. He also didn't want to be anywhere near alcohol as it was too tempting. He didn't know if he would be able to resist it. "This is ridiculous," he said to himself.

He didn't know why he was letting everything get to him, and he was beginning to feel like an idiot. "Stupid," he snorted. "Why do I let people do this to me?" Pike was using him and though he could never hate the man, he disliked him at the moment. He was forcing Jim to do something that he didn't want... or maybe he was trying to get him to realize that he did need it.

Dragging on that thought, Jim stared only to turn around when he started to hear voices. That meant one thing, the stupid event had started. He would be forced to mingle, something he dreaded. His mind drifted from hatred to annoyance. He hated having to mingle with people, who really didn't know what was going on.

Forcing himself to walk towards the door which led to the hall, he wondered if he could just hide on the balcony. Pike said he had to speak a few people. He didn't say when he had to do, how long he had to, and to how many people he had to speak with. But he was kidding himself if he thought Pike would like that, and he had to make Pike happy, so he would accept his resignation unlike the last time.

"Damn it man," he cursed. He was pissed when he found out about Pike's trickery. How dare he do that? He had no right to play with his life…. he shook his head and sighed. He didn't want to think about the strange happiness he felt when he learned what the man had done. It gave him hope that things could go back to normal.

He leaned against the glass doors and stared at the guests, which had filled the room. This wasn't some small event. This thing was freaking huge, which meant there was a chance he might not run into his old crew. He thought he could handle it thanks to his confrontation with Uhura, but he wasn't sure he would be able to deal with seeing Spock or McCoy, two people he wanted to beat the shit out of. They had betrayed him on a deep level, and he wondered if he would be able to trust anyone ever again. Sure, he let Aurelan in but hadn't given her his complete trust. He knew she would leave him as well, but because she had to.

"Water?"

Jim shook himself out of his thoughts. "Sure," he said taking a glass. He took a tiny step into the room. Water sprayed up his legs. _Stupid floor!_ The waiter was humanoid. He looked almost like a fish as Jim noticed the webbing between his fingers and the toes of his bare feet. His face would have looked almost human if he didn't have gills.

The waiter smiled, or what Jim thought was a smile, and walked away gracefully. Jim couldn't help but stare as the waiter looked like he was gliding. His movements almost sung if that was possible. It made Jim want to follow if his common sense hadn't kicked in at the last second. "What the hell?" What was wrong with him?

"I see you met the inhabitants of this planet," a voice called from behind him.

Jim turned to see Gary, who looked nice in his formal uniform. He glanced back, but the waiter had disappeared into the crowd much to Jim's dislike. "O' really?" he asked as he brought the water to his lips. He blinked as he wasn't expecting it to taste so good. _Screw alcohol!_ He thought. He was going to drink this all day.

"They are like Sirens, but they aren't going to kill you when they have finished with you. Just have wild fun with you," Gary laughed. "I think I would like to have some wild fun, don't you? Might have to take one to my quarters tonight."

Sure Jim wanted to have fun, but he wanted it on his terms, not someone else's. "I don't want to know about your sex life, Gary," Jim joked.

"That's sad. I was going to invite you!"

"I don't want that invite. I so do not want to see you naked!" Jim teased. He took another slip of water, which he felt through his whole body.

"That's hurts," Gary laughed as he leaned against the wall next to Jim. "So why are you in a Starfleet uniform?"

Jim almost forgot that some people didn't know. "It seems that I never really resigned. Pike never accepted my papers and didn't tell me that until I got here." There was no need to lie to Gary.

"Really?"

Jim couldn't read what Gary was thinking. "Yep."

"I guess you should have expected that from Pike. That man does truly care for you. He knows what's best."

Granted, Jim didn't know what was best and he was tired of people acting like they knew when no one really did, but it stopped him. "Pike knows what is best," Jim repeated out loud.

"Yep, well I have to go. I see my Captain calling me over. See ya," Gary said as he waved good bye.

Jim didn't even look up. He just nodded as he repeated to himself, "Pike knows best." Maybe he should listen because lately, he had been wrong. Pike could be right this time.

* * *

Spock walked closely behind his captain as they headed into the hall. The room was already filled and soft music was playing. Water gushed everywhere as they walked, soaking the bottom of their pants. Different languages floated through the air. Spock, even though he wasn't as fluent as Uhura, could understand almost all of them.

But Spock's mind was not there. It was back at the conversion that he had with Sam Kirk. He really couldn't call it a conversion as Sam had yelled at him for almost of it. Spock could not understand the point in yelling. It did not make one's point correct or more logical. It did nothing but make a situation worse, which it had done in that situation. But Spock did not stop him, even if he wanted to stop to. It was unwise to yell at an unbalanced Vulcan, but he deserved it. It had been his fault for this whole mess. It was his fault that Jim was hurting.

He did learn a few things about Jim in that conversion which broke his heart. No one knew for sure, but there was a chance that Jim had tried to kill himself. The motorcycle crash could have been an accident, but the injuries made the doctors wonder if Jim had crashed on purpose. It also made Spock wonder when he learned about the rest of Jim's 'accident.' How was Jim's mental state? Was he even the Jim he had known anymore?

Spock glanced back to McCoy, who hadn't learned about Jim's 'accidents' yet. McCoy knew firsthand Jim had a knack of getting into trouble. It made Jim who he was, but could Jim really try to kill himself? He didn't want to know the answer, and he wasn't going to let Jim hurt himself again. He would find him, apologize profusely, and never leave his side again.

Pitts looked back and said, "Be on your best behavior. Show the universe the crew of the U.S.S Enterprise." He gave them small smile, which surprised them all. He disappeared in the crowd.

McCoy stepped toward Spock. "Should we split up and look for Jim?" he asked. He gave silent thanks to Uhura, whom informed them he would be present.

"I doubt he would let you find him," Sulu commented, as he folded his arms against his chest. Scotty and Uhura stayed quiet and listened to them. They would look for him, but Sulu was correct. Jim would not be happy to see them, yet there was a chance he'd talk to Scotty and Chekov. However, the Enterprise's navigator seemed to have disappeared again.

"Doesn't mean we can't try," McCoy said, calmly. His mind had been in overdrive ever since that strange woman threw her drink at him. He needed to find Jim. Maybe he could find her if he was unable to find Jim. She seemed to know his former friend.

"Sure, but you might not like what you find," Sulu said as he took a water from a waiter.

"Why don't we just stop talkin' and just find him?" Scotty asked, looking around. He had no interest in talking with them. He wanted to find Jim and make sure he was okay.

"He's right," Uhura said.

"And have anyone seen Chekov lately?" Sulu asked, looking around. Besides a couple sightings, no one had seen the Russian since he missed the crew meeting.

"Nope," Scotty said. "We can look for him later. Let's find Kirk." His eyes surfed through the room. It was hard to make out anything in the crowd of people.

* * *

Jim had enough. He had spoken to enough officials to last him a lifetime and if he had to speak to one more person, he would punch someone. He didn't want to speak to anyone about his captaincy because he didn't want to talk about something that was nonexistent. It would get worse once the news about the Providence was revealed. "Stupid," he muttered. Why did he agree to do any of this? It was because he was an idiot.

Shaking his head, he tracked through the water, which annoyed the hell out of him. He understood these people loved water, but this was ridiculous. He took a seat at an empty table, which was surprising, considering how many people were here. It was more surprising that he was able to get away for a bit, as it seemed everyone wanted to speak to him.

Kicking at the water, he scanned the crowd looking for possible dangers like the Daleniens. Though he knew he was being paranoid, Pike was wrong about that race. They were beasts. He knew Salean's father, Seleen (who Jim considered to be one of the worse), was present because of what he did. He ran the high council, which meant he ran the damn planet. That fact made life difficult as that man would do anything to get Jim back to Dalenius.

He leaned back and stared at a wall trying to ignore the people walking past him. People were less likely to talk to you if you didn't make eye contact with them. He also tuned out their voices so he would be less likely to answer back, which he sometimes did against his will.

"Whatcha doing?"

He jumped and almost fell off his chair. He didn't notice her until she came up next to him and he could have slapped himself. He turned and his mouth almost dropped. Aurelan was gorgeous in her little black dress. Her hair, half down, fell neatly around her face, framing it. He couldn't help but notice how her red lips popped. "Hey," he said, trying to recover.

"So what are you doing?" she asked as she took a seat next to him.

"Trying to stay unnoticed, which is hard I tell you," he said, scanning the crowd. There were a few people staring at him and he did his best not to glare back. He turned back to her. Once again, he couldn't help but look her over. Her legs looked amazing in that dress. If he wasn't suffering from a broken heart, he would have invited her back to his room. He still might do that just to piss off Spock. "And where have you been?" he asked. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"Pissing off your mother. It's a fun sport," she said as she slid closer to him. "I loved your brother's and hers face when they saw me. It was priceless." She laughed.

Jim froze. His brother was here? He knew his mother was already here, which pissed him off, but his brother's presence was good news. He had wanted to see Sam and apologize. He had been an asshole to him and now regretted it. He looked around the room. "I would like to see him."

Aurelan made a face. "He's your brother." She shook her head and her curls flew around her face. "I don't want to see him again. I don't want him to know I'm not over him." Jim knew the pain she was going through. He felt the same with Spock.

As a waitress came back, she dropped two glasses of water in front of them. "Thank you," he said as she walked away. He stared at the water, wondering what they spiked it with. There had to be something, because he couldn't stop drinking it. "We could always pretend to be together," he joked. She stared at him and he knew that she was thinking about it. She didn't know if he was serious or not. He wasn't really, but he wanted to shove it up Spock's ass.

"Are you joking?" she asked. She stated at him. "I doubt that would be beneficial to you after what happened."

He hated that people kept reminding him. He wasn't some child or idiot. He knew and would never forget. Never ever forget. "I just think it would be fun to see their faces." He did worry about his brother, and what he would think, because no one should ever date their brother's ex-girlfriend.

She stared at him as she was thinking. He knew she was doubtful. "That would be stupid. People do that shit all the time and it never ends well."

Jim waved before he wrapped an arm around her. It felt strange and wrong, and he fought it as he knew he couldn't stay in love with Spock forever. "Let's have fun before hell comes down," he said, thinking about who was also here.

She grabbed his hand. "Sure, why not?"

He smiled. "Really?"

"NO!" She said as she slapped him in his head. She shook her head as she leaned back from him.

"You're no fun!" he said as he rubbed his head. He was a little hurt by her reply but knew she was right. "So-"

"There you are!" Jim and Aurelan looked up to see Admiral Pike, who looked very put together in his formal uniform. Everything was in place down to his shoes. "I have been looking all over for you. There are a few people who would like to see you," he stated. Pike glanced over Aurelan.

"Been trying to hide, but it doesn't seem to be working. My blond hair just stands out," he said as he stood up. He didn't know what was going on, but he was all jokes today. It was better than tears or anger.

"Come with me," he said. "I have some people, who want to meet you." He put his hand on Jim's shoulder pulling him toward him. "You didn't mind, do you, Miss Swift?"

"No, of course not," she said as she remained seat. "I know a few people here."

Jim knew she did, but he was sure she didn't want to speak to Sam or Winona. He wanted to tell Pike no, but he couldn't do that. He had to do what Pike wanted. "Don't have too much fun without me," Jim smiled.

"Oh, I will try," she said.

"Urgh!" Jim muttered as Pike and he said good-bye to another official.

"It's almost over," Pike smiled as he led Jim to the bar. He ordered himself drink.

"That's if you don't count tomorrow," Jim responded. He watched as Pike brought his whiskey to his lips. He licked his lips. The amber liquid looked so tempting. Jim wanted to have some, but he would not allow himself to even taste it. He didn't want to be controlled by it so he ordered himself another glass of the water. "_What is in this shit?"_ he asked himself. He couldn't help but drink it.

Pike took a deep breath. He walked to a corner of the hall and Jim followed, eyeing him.

"Is something up?" Jim asked in a whisper.

"I wanted to warn you."

"Warn me about what?" Jim was curious. "I already know about the Enterprise." He glanced around the room, surprised he hadn't run into Spock or McCoy. He knew things would be bad if he did. He had no idea if he would be able to control himself.

"Seleen is here."

Jim hated that name. "I would assume so," he said slowly. If he saw that man, he would probably hit him. That man, if he could, would force him to marry his son. He would tie him up if he could because he didn't believe Jim had a right to choose. In his deranged mind, Jim belonged to his son.

"And he wants to speak to you."

"No," Jim stared. That was the last thing he wanted. He would fight to hell to keep his rights.

Pike wrapped his arm around Jim's shoulder. "I told him to leave you alone."

Jim laughed. "Like he would listen." If that man wanted something, he would do anything to get it. He didn't care about laws or rules.

"He understands that there will consequences with the Federation if he does."

"Really?" Jim didn't know if he believed it. Was the Federation willing to offend a whole planet for him? That really touched him. It meant something to him that he couldn't describe.

"Yes," Pike smiled.

Jim exhaled. He felt good. It felt really good. "Alright!"

"Admiral Pike!" A voice called from the crowd.

Pike turned into the direction of the voice. "I have to go. See you later," He smiled, "when it's announced that you're the new captain of the Providence."

"Urgh," he muttered. "Can't wait." That would be in a few hours. He didn't know what he was going to do. He didn't know how it was going to feel and wouldn't try to guess.

He watched Pike leave when a thought came to his mind. Once it was announced, there would be no hiding from his old crew. They would know of his location and he knew them well enough (or so he told himself) to know that they would try to talk to him now that they knew the truth.

* * *

Jim had to find Aurelan. He felt bad that he left her alone. She really didn't have to be here. She came only so he wouldn't be alone and that meant a lot to him.

Putting on a smile, he walked through the crowd, keeping an eye out for his stupid mother, his crew and Seleen, who to his joy he hadn't ran into. There was no doubt he would punch any of them if he saw them and that would not help him. He would just end up in jail, and he had no interest in going to jail. He never wanted to see the inside of a jail cell again.

Taking a deep breath, he made his way through the crowd. He was stopped every few seconds as someone wanted to speak with him. "Captain Kirk, it's a pleasure." "I dreamt of meeting you." "How are you?" "What do you think of that new Starfleet regulation?" "Your leadership skills are something I wish more captains shared." He could deal with those questions. He could not deal with "How was your Medical Leave?" "What happen to you?" "Are you okay? I heard about your leave." Those are the questions he did not want to answer. He didn't want people to know he wasn't okay. He didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to forget its existence.

Shaking his head, he moved through the crowd. "Captain Kirk!" He turned to the direction of the voice. To his displeasure, it was another no name Federation official. "How are you?"

"I'm well. How are you, sir," Jim replied. He knew he had seen this man before but could not remember who he was.

"I'm well."

Jim forced himself to smile as the man spoke. He wanted to get far away from this person as soon as possible, but every time he tried, the man pulled him back. "Yea," he muttered. He took a deep breath as he glanced around.

"This addition will be a benefit to the Federation."

"Yup," Jim said. He didn't know what else to say. What could he say? He didn't want to be in this conversation and he knew talking would keep the conversion going. The official went on and on.

"Don't you agree?" he asked.

He knew he probably shouldn't answer the question, considering what happened to him the last time, but he had to say something. "Sure," he stated, knowing it was probably the best way to answer.

The man started rambling again, but Jim wasn't listening. Suddenly he spotted something very familiar. There, about fifteen feet away from him, stood a man he didn't want to see. Though he only saw the back of him, he immediately knew who it was. His blue uniform and stiff form was enough to identify the person. It was Spock. His Spock…no, not his Spock and he would never be his again. He didn't deserve another chance… not after what he had let happen.

His heart started to race and his breathing became heavy. Sure he knew he would see Spock again, but he didn't know it would affect him so much. He felt speechless at the sight of the Vulcan officer. During his last days on the Enterprise, his life was a leaving hell. He was alone with no one to turn to during a point when he just wanted to die. He wanted to go to sleep and not wake up. He wanted it all to end, because he thought he deserved that. Now he knew better even if he still thought that way at times.

He was also royally pissed at Spock for everything that he did to him. He treated him like shit. He remembered every stare, every nasty comment, every action. At the time it killed him, but now, it just pissed him off. How dare they treat any crew member like that?

He was also afraid. Yes, afraid. Afraid of what would happen when he came face to face with his ex-Lover. Would his anger hold up? Would he be able to speak, unlike now? Would he be able to stand up for himself? He wasn't sure and that made him feel weak. He was afraid of what would happen if he spoke the truth.

He still also cared for him on some level. He still cared about what he thought, but it did not mean he wanted to be around Spock or anyone else who betrayed him. He loved the Vulcan, even though it annoyed him. In their time together, he had shown him something that he didn't think was possible. He made him feel special. He made him feel like he mattered to someone. Though he broke his heart and trust, he still loved him.

Yet Jim was stubborn and he would never forget. He would never forget what happened to him and how his crew responded. He might still care, but he would not open his heart back up. They did not deserve his forgiveness.

"Captain Kirk?" the man called. He noticed that Jim wasn't paying attention. "Captain-"

"Mr. Jones," a voice called out.

Jim shook himself out of his thoughts and hoped Spock hadn't notice him. He turned to see Selek and felt his heart jump. He loved the old Vulcan. "Selek."

"Mr. Jones, do you mind if I borrow Captain Kirk?" he asked softly as if he knew that young Spock was nearby.

"No not at all."

Selek lead Jim away without much trouble. When they got a safe distance away, Jim spoke. "Thanks for the save." He was grateful to Selek, who always seem to know the right time to save him.

"There is no need to thank me, Jim," he responded.

Jim scanned the room again, making sure Spock was nowhere in sight. He wanted to wait as long as possible so he could work up the nerve to yell at him. He didn't think he could as he was speechless just at the sight of his back. "Still."

"How are you, Jim?" Selek asked as he led him to a table.

Jim shook a side. "You keep asking me that." He wasn't sure how he was right now. He wasn't okay, but he wasn't completely screwed. He was messed up. "I'm fine," he stated. He stared in the direction of Spock.

"And you will always be fine."

"Yup," he said as he grabbed another glass of the planet's water from a waitress, "How are you? I'm surprise you're not with Sarek."

"I was for a time, but he is speaking with Seleen, who is looking for you." Jim froze and Selek took the time to pat Jim on the arm. "Sarek and I both knew it would not be wise for that to happen, so he is keeping him distracted."

"Really? He would do that?" He knew he could count on Selek, but it warmed his heart to know that Sarek cared, even if he would not admit it. He wished Spock was more like his logical father….Okay, not completely like him.

Selek took a seat across from Jim. "Do not have doubts about Sarek. He has his good moments." He stared at the water. "It is nice to see a glass of water in your hand." He knew of Jim's problem with alcohol. It was a constant worry for the old Vulcan.

"I know, right," Jim said. He knew how bad his drinking had become. More than once, he had almost killed himself because of it. He knew he needed to stop. "There's something about this water." He looked up at the Vulcan and smiled. He always found himself smiling with Selek.

Selek stared at the glass. "I know. It seems to have addicting qualities. Please do not over drink. I do not know what the long term effects will be."

Jim did not like the thought of that, but he knew there had to be something better than alcohol's side effects. "But it is sooo good," he whined.

"You are a child," Selek commented.

"And there is nothing wrong with that," he grinned. He didn't know what it was about being with Selek but he was feeling better. Sure, that feeling went out the window at the sight of Spock or Seleen. He didn't know what it was, but he knew it might be because he was here. He was a captain for the length of the party. He could stay a captain if he wanted to.

"Kaptain Kirk!"

Jim turned, knowing that Russian voice anywhere. "Chekov." He did miss the kid. Okay, he wasn't a kid any more, even though he was still a teenager at the age of nineteen.

"I hawe been looking eweryvhere for you," Chekov said. He had a huge smile on his face.

"Have you now?" Jim joked.

"Yep."

Selek watched. "I see you are still speaking to someone from the Enterprise after what happened."

"Vhat happened?" he asked. He knew the outcome, but he had no idea what really happened. He wanted to know what had made everyone on the Enterprise turn their backs on Captain Kirk.

Jim stared wondering if he should try to tell him. Uhura and Spock already knew what happened, and by now, everyone else must know, right? What would happen if Chekov knew? Try as he might, he could not forget _it_. There was no getting rid of that terrible night. He knew from before, when he had confronted Uhura, it felt good to let it go. It was as if a weight had been lifted off his chest. He would like to feel that again. "I'll tell you," he looked back to Selek, who gave him a nod.

* * *

Usually Spock was not against attending events like this, but when he was looking for Jim, he disliked speaking to people. It was an annoyance. He had been unable to find Jim and he was beginning to wonder if he was really here. Maybe Uhura had been mistaken. No, that couldn't be right because she learned directly from Jim as he had told her he had been invited. Maybe he left because he couldn't deal with being at this event.

"Yes," he responded. The man in front of him had answered a question.

"I agreed." He smiled before turning. "I hear someone calling my name. This was a nice conversion, Commander Spock."

"I agree," Spock stated. Normally he didn't lie, but today he did. It hadn't been an enjoyable conversation when he wished he was somewhere else. The man disappeared into the crowd.

"I see you didn't have any luck either," McCoy stated as he came up next to Spock.

Spock shook his head. "It is logical considering the number of people in this room."

McCoy hated logic. "But still, we should've found him by now."

"Statistically we should have found Jim by now unless he is avoiding us on purpose."

McCoy knew that was correct. Jim must have known they were looking for him and had been avoiding them. When Jim didn't want to found, nothing could locate him. It was one of his best skills. "I-" He was interrupted by a couple arguing and they were getting louder. Normally he wouldn't care until he noticed one of them was the woman who had thrown a drink in his face. He had wanted to say a few choice words to her, until he noticed the woman she was yelling at. It was Jim's mother, whom he had only seen once in a photo. Jim didn't have a relationship with his mother, and from what little Jim had told him, he didn't blame him. "That's Jim's mother," he muttered.

Spock turned toward them. "I doubt she would know of Jim's location." He also knew of Jim's relationship with his mother and concluded that Jim would never turn to her for help. He watched the argument and saw another familiar looking person standing next to the pair. "Samuel Kirk is there as well," he stated. He knew from their conversation that Jim and his brother's last encounter did not end well.

"His brother? He's here?" This was interesting. Why was he here? What was going on?

"I do not know why and it does not matter." Speaking with Sam, Spock knew he did not know of Jim's location. They have not been speaking since the fight.

McCoy watched as Jim's mother yelled at the woman. He could barely make out what she was saying, but it was clear she did not want the woman here. He had no idea what she had done to have the older woman yelling at her, but considering she had thrown a drink on him, he wasn't in the mood of caring. He did know those three had something to do with Jim.

Jim's mother, Winona if he recalled correctly, was yelling at the strange woman. She tried to keep her voice down, but her anger had gotten the better of her. Their voices became loud enough to for the doctor to hear them. "Stay away him. You tried to go after Sam, but that didn't work, so now you are after Jim and his fame. Go away, Aurelan."

The woman or Aurelan, as Winona called her, snorted. "You have a lot of nerve." She shook her head. "I'm not after Jim's fame. I'm here because I care about him."

"That's strange," Sam chipped in.

"It's not," she stated. "He needs me, so I'm here."

Winona glared at her. "Or you're using him!"

"I'm not using him. I love him," she stated. It came out as if she didn't mean to say it.

"You're dating him?" Sam said in shock.

McCoy stared in shock. Did Jim get over all of them so sudden? His heart had dropped, but he knew they had no one to blame but themselves. They were the ones who had treated Jim like shit. "Spock, did you hear that?" He didn't know if he wanted Spock to know that Jim had moved on. He didn't think he could take it even though it was their fault.

"I do not listen to others conversions." Spock stated as he stared at the stage. He never understood why humans listened into conversions that were not of their concern. If someone was meant to know, they would be told. "Admiral Komack is speaking."

McCoy had no interest is listening to the man, but Spock did. It was a good thing or that was what McCoy told himself. He didn't need to know that Jim was in love with someone else. "Okay."

On the stage a few Admirals were standing. Pike was there with Pitts, who was standing to the side of him. He had a smile on his face, which McCoy had never seen before. That man was never happy. Admiral Komack stood center stage behind a podium, speaking about how the new addition will benefit the federation. Everyone was quiet at the sound of him, but Winona would never be quiet.

Komack rambled on and on. McCoy wondered if he was going stop spouting off and just let the event continue. "I would like to take the time to reveal our new Starship." McCoy stared. Now that was interesting. He heard rumors that they were working on something new, but he didn't know much about it. Jim, being a Captain, had been informed, but he didn't tell the doctor, although he had hinted that Starfleet was working on something new for the fleet. He wasn't sure if Spock knew about it. He could never get anything out of that Vulcan.

"Did you know about the ship?" he asked Spock.

"Yes. A few months before he left, Jim had showed me the designs for the ship. They were impressive."

McCoy should have guessed that Spock would have been told, because the Vulcan was knowledgeable and his advice would be invaluable. He knew he shouldn't feel insulted, but it did hurt a bit that Jim didn't show him. Sure, he was just a doctor, but he was also Jim's best friend….okay, maybe not at this moment.

Komack lifted his arm and pointed toward the middle of the room. Everyone turned to look, but there was nothing there. A few seconds later, a hologram activated and revealed an image of a ship. Its sudden appearance caused the people closest to it to step back. "I would like to introduce our new Starship, the U.S.S. Providence." People around the image clapped. The ship was truly impressive.

Spock glanced over the hologram, remembering the specs that Jim showed him. There hadn't been many changes in the appearance, but he did notice a few things that he had suggested were added into the ship's design.

"This ship represents our growth. It's the future," Komack stated as he lowered him arm.

McCoy stepped toward Spock, forgetting about the argument he had overheard, and said, "What about the Enterprise? I thought she was the future." He knew everything was replaceable and technology was always changing, but that did not mean the Enterprise was old news.

"The Enterprise is not as it had been before everything that happened over the last year," Spock answered. The Enterprise wasn't at her best without Captain Kirk in the chair.

"Because Jim's gone," McCoy added. Jim was here somewhere. Spock and McCoy were beginning to wonder where he was standing. They both knew this party was not where he really belonged nor on another ship. None of those ships were the Enterprise and she couldn't be her best without him. "I hate this."

Spock looked at him, but didn't say anything. He agreed.

"The ship isn't complete yet, and they are already making a big deal about it," McCoy complained.

"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, "You must not let your bitterness cloud your judgment. It is logical that they do this. The U.S.S. Providence will become one of the Starfleet's staples." He knew it would be fascinating to serve on that ship.

"Yea, yea," McCoy said, waving it off. He was judgmental and that made him who he was.

Komack stepped to the side of the clear podium and the Federation symbol disappeared. A more detailed image of the Providence appeared on the screen. "It has been designed with the latest advances." The imaged changed, showing what the interior would look like. "There's nothing else like it."

McCoy stared at the image. He knew it would be more advanced than the Enterprise and felt insulted that they didn't consider the Enterprise special anymore.

The ship had been upgraded since the last time Spock had seen it. "Doctor, maybe you should stop glaring."

McCoy turned to Spock. "I'm not glaring."

"There is no need to lie."

"Shut-up."

Komack walked back to the center of the stage. "However, a ship cannot be great without a great captain to lead." He smiled. "We are pleased to announce that we have found the Providence's captain. He has proven himself time after time and though he is young, he has shown us his impressive character. An impressive captain for this impressive ship. "

"Too bad he can't take Captain Pitts, but he isn't really impressive." McCoy remembered what Sulu had said before. Pitts was a bit old for a new commission. He took a deep breath.

Spock glanced toward him. "It would be wise to be careful. It would be foolish to speak aloud about your distaste for Captain Pitts."

McCoy knew it could cost him his commission, but at this point, it would give him a chance to find Kirk. "I know." However, he could not fight Spock on this.

"I would like to call the U.S.S. Providence's captain to the stage," Komack said, as he motioned to the side of the stage. A figure had appeared from the crowd and slowly walked onto the stage. "I would like to welcome Captain James Tiberius Kirk, the new captain of the U.S.S. Providence."

McCoy felt his heart race as Jim crossed the stage to Admiral Komack. He couldn't believe that Jim was here and looked well. The man on stage looked healthy and strong, which wasn't something he was expecting. The last time he saw Jim, he had been declining. He was thin, pale, and barely talked. He was like the walking dead. Now, he looked normal, like he had never been sickly. After he got over Jim's looks, his brain caught up. Jim had accepted a different commission. What did that mean for the Enterprise? How could he not come back to the Enterprise? Jim loved that ship.

Spock, who McCoy had forgotten about, had started to make his way to stage. Spock needed to get to Jim, and he didn't care who got in his way. However, he could tell from was on the floor that something was different about Jim. He may look like Jim, yet there was something very different about him. It worried the Vulcan as he moved closer to the stage.

* * *

Jim felt his heart race as he stood at the side of the stage. He had readied himself but didn't know if he was truly ready for this. Did he prepare himself well enough? He didn't have a chance to think as Admiral Komack called his name, "I would like to welcome Captain James Tiberius Kirk, the new captain of the U.S.S. Providence."

He glanced at Pike, who had a smile on his face. He held back a glare and kept walking._ Of course, he would be smiling._ Jim kept back his growl. Of course he would be happy in Jim's pain! Yet Jim knew that was incorrect. _No, he cares about you!_ Pike would never be happy in Jim's pain. The admiral was doing all of this to help him heal, but was it really helping?

Hearing the clapping of the audience, which brought him back to reality, he did his best not to look shocked or angry. Though he could see their faces, he didn't want to look at them. There was a chance he could see Spock or Seleen, who was hunting him.

When Jim arrived at the podium next to Komack, the admiral smiled and shook his hand, which sparked camera flashes. "Ladies and Gentleman," he stated, "Captain James Kirk."

Jim did his best to smile even though on the inside his heart was hurting. He wanted to take the ship but still wasn't sure if he was ready. He still didn't trust himself. "Thank you," he said. His heart was beating so fast. "I am honored." Sure, Pike said he didn't have to say anything, but Jim didn't really expect that. He really couldn't take a commission without saying something.

"Is that all you have to say?" Komack teased. "I bet there is something else." He looked to the audience. "Is that all? Don't you want to hear more?" The crowd clapped again in agreement.

"I didn't prepare anything," he said, annoyed. He knew he couldn't just say thank you and sit down. He really didn't want to give a speech.

"You can come up with something in that mind of yours," Komack whispered to Jim.

"I guess." He was going to beat someone. Jim turned to the audience. "This is an honor." He took a deep breath. "I never expected to get the Enterprise," he paused, thinking of that ship, "at such a young age. Now, I'm gifted, yes gifted, with a new ship. It is amazing to know that Starfleet has such faith in me." He didn't know if they really had faith in him or not. How could they when he didn't have faith in himself? "I will continue to serve Starfleet and be the best captain I can be. I hope I can make Starfleet proud." He took a deep breath.

"You will, Captain Kirk," Komack stated, patting him on his back. It wasn't very long, but he had said enough. And he didn't want to say anymore.

"Thank you," Jim said again.

He shook his hand again and made his way back off the stage. He kept his view away from the audience. He smiled as he saw Chekov and Selek waiting for him at the side of the stage. He could see the shock on Chekov's face as he hadn't expected Jim to accept a new ship, not after what his former captain had told him. The navigator was still able to take it in. He was compassionate but didn't pity him. The look on Chekov's face when he thought about the crew brought a smile to his face. The Russian still looked cute despite being angry. Jim had to admit it to himself. It had felt good to tell him the truth.

He turned to Selek, who was also surprised. He did not know that Jim would be given a new ship. Jim couldn't tell if the old Vulcan was happy or not. He knew Selek had an interest in getting him back to the Enterprise, because that was where the Vulcan felt he belonged. It was where he had been in Selek's timeline. He could also see the worry in the Vulcan's eyes. He wasn't sure if he could handle a new ship and knew Jim doubted himself.

"Hey," Jim said as he got off the stage. Komack continued talking, probably about him and the Providence. He wasn't paying attention any more as his part was finished.

"I did not know you were going to get the Providence."

Jim wasn't sure what to say, and he knew he couldn't lie to Selek. He would have to explain in private. "Yep. I-"

"Captain Kirk, it is a pleasure to see you again," a voice said. Water slapped around as someone walked to them.

Jim turned and froze at the sight of Seleen. He had the creepiest smile Jim ever thought possible. Selek narrowed his eyes and placed himself between Seleen and Jim. "Hello, Seleen. How can we help you?"

Chekov had noticed Selek's and Jim's behavior. He placed himself next to Jim to give him some support.

"I wish to speak with Jim."

"I will not speak to you!" Jim snapped. His hands tightened into a fist. He was ready to strike.

"Why not? We are like family," Seleen said stepping forward.

Jim was nearly shaking. He didn't want to be related to his own family and there was no way in hell he would be 'family' to his man. "Go away," he growled.

Seleen smiled and took another step. "I wish to speak to you about Salean. He misses you."

Something in Jim's mind cracked. "Don't say his name to me!" He said loudly, causing quite a number of people to stop and look. His hand had stayed in a fist. He wanted to punch him and had no interest in anyone stopping him.

* * *

I hoped you enjoyed it! And please review!


	13. The Desire for Violence

Good DAY.

Yea, yea, I know. It has been a while, but I have been distracted. I had another story pop into my mind and I had to get it out or it was going to drive me crazy. If you are interested in look at it, it is an Avenger's Story. It is a genderbender, so be warn.

Anyhow, thanks to MoonstarWorld, who had proved this for me! :) I hope you like it. Please let me know through reviews

Oh, yea. I do not own Star Trek, so please do not sue me. I do not make money on this.

* * *

Chapter 13:

The Desire for Violence.

* * *

The blood started to rush to his face as Jim shook in anger. How dare this man bring up Salean in front of him? There was a part of Jim, a part that scared him, that wanted to torture the beast to death, and he didn't know if he could hold that part back. It wasn't like he hadn't taken a life before, because there were a few times he had to as a last resort while on a mission.

"I…I.." He knew better than to speak what was on his mind because he didn't need the whole damn party to hear him threaten a council member. That would be very bad. Shaking his head, he tried to get control of himself.

Closing his eyes, Jim tried to think of anything else, because murder was not the answer. That would really put his ass in jail, and that wasn't something he wanted. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and he allowed the person to pull him away because he could not have done it on his own.

Jim heard Seleen step and call to him trying to get him to stop, but Selek had gotten in the way and would not allow him to pass. That was another thing that Jim was thankful for that man, as he always knew the right thing to do, when he didn't know what to do.

Somehow Chekov was able to maneuver him to a different room. Jim had walked mindlessly to a wall as Chekov closed the door behind him. "Kirk," he called to him.

Jim had rotated, placing his back against the wall. "I…" He didn't know what he wanted to say to his Russian friend, because his mind had turned violent and that scared the shit out of him. Sure, he wanted to beat Spock and McCoy for their betrayal, but that violence was different than what he was feeling right now. He seriously wanted to kill that man, because he wanted revenge. He wanted to make that man feel what he was feeling. "I…I…" he couldn't get anything out.

"Kaptain," Chekov called and crossed to him.

Refusing to look at his former crew member, Jim slid down the wall. Jim knew he wanted to hurt him, but what did he want to do to Salean? "I'm…sorry," Jim finally stated. This was the reason why he couldn't allow himself to take a commission. He wasn't able to let go and trust himself again.

"For vhat? I don't understand."

Glancing over to him, Jim studied his face. There was no pity on his face, and Jim was grateful for that, but he couldn't stand his caring eyes. He didn't deserve that. "I let everyone down."

"You didn't."

Shaking his head, Jim turned his back to Chekov and buried his head into his knees. He hated that he was showing his weakness in front of the young ensign, but he had no interest in hiding. He had no will. "I…" Jim had made wrong choices from the beginning. If only he told the truth and acted with courage that a Captain needed, he wouldn't be a big baby right now. He would still be in the Captain chair.

"Ve let you dovn," Chekov said, looking at Jim's back. He didn't make any movement to touch him.

"I…I want to hurt that man," Jim admitted. "…No, that isn't truth. I want to kill Seleen and his son." He didn't want to lie anymore, even if he didn't want to admit it. Jim needed to let someone else in. "That scares me. I can't trust myself, so how can I lead a crew? How sad is that? I can't trust myself. What am I good for?"

"Don't doubt yourself." Chekov stared at Jim, unsure if he would reach out him. "Ve all at one point hawe, Sir."

Jim took a deep breath as he pushed himself off the ground. "No, I'm always doubting myself, and that's trouble for a captain." He started to pace around the room. "I'm not James Kirk anymore."

Chekov, who reminded seated, spoke, "Vhat are you talkin' about? You are Kaptain Kirk."

"NO, I'm not!" he snapped as he paced harder cross the room. "I'm not the same man, who once captained the Enterprise. I'm a weakling and a coward, who just want to give up, because I'm sick of fighting. I'm sick of being kicked, and I'm sick of trying to get back up. So sick of life." He shook his head, in exhaustion. As he passed across pass a table, he picked up a paper weight. "At one point, I just wanted to give up. Just give up."

Jim eyed the strange piece, wondering what it was for a brief second. "And I hate myself for that. I absolutely hated myself, so badly that there was times that I…" Could he say it? Could he admit that he at one thing thought about ending his life? Could he be strong this time? "…thought about ending it, killing myself." Jim could hear Chekov intake, but he refused to look at him as he didn't want to see the look in his eyes. It pissed him off even more thinking about it. Anger flowed to him, because that man took everything from him, and he hated that. He hated that someone was able to make him feel powerless. How could he allow that to happen to him? "How could I let someone do that to me? Why?"

In an instant, he flung the weight at the wall, breaking it in a loud bang. Chekov flinched, but he didn't move from his spot, and he also didn't speak. He knew Jim needed this; Jim needed to let it out.

He started to pace again, paying no attention to the broken weight: his arms were swinging wildly. "And who the hell does _Salean_ think he is?" Instead of just pacing back and forth, Jim paced in the long circle around room. "What give that asshole the right take someone's life? I want…." He didn't finish as he picked up a chair and threw it at the wall, not caring if the whole party could hear him. "If I see him again, I'm not sure what I would do." He shook a breath, trying to calm himself. "…I want to kill him." His words were soaked with angry.

Chekov flinched again as he could feel the rage coming from Jim. "Kirk," he muttered

"And I don't know if I could stop." He crossed to another chair and picked it up another chair. "There are so many things that I want to do with him. Like hitting him with this chair," he stated as he sung it again the wall a few more times. He kept swinging it until the chair broke apart. "I want to see him fall apart like that." He picked up the broken wood, not caring that he had cut his hand on a nail. "I want to hit him with this a few times."

And that still scared him. When was he willing to sink down to Salean's level and steal someone's life from them? He didn't know, but he didn't like it to think about it. If he was willing to do that, he would be a monster. He dropped the wood and stated to punch the wall with his injured hand a few times. "..."

"Kirk," Chekov jumped and stepped toward. "Stop, please."

Jim turned, and his hand dropped to his side. Blood dripped from him hand, but he didn't care as he studied the young Russian. On his face was worry and it pissed him off again. He wasn't mad at him, as if that was possible; he was mad at everyone else. Why couldn't they be like Chekov? "I'm sorry."

"Ewerything vill be fine," he tried to reaching out to him.

Turning sharply to the door, Jim snapped, "No, won't." Blood still dripped from his hand as he reached for the door. "My life is gone. My so call friends are gone, and I don't want them back. I want to…" He shook his head. "No, it won't fine." He didn't want to think about his so call friends, because he needed to remain calm and control himself. He couldn't let his violent tempter out, even if he wanted to.

* * *

Spock's heart pounded as he stepped closer to the end of the stage, where Jim had disappeared. Though he knew he was not worthy of Jim's forgiveness, he had to make sure Jim was okay and he had to protect him, even if Jim wanted nothing from him. Though he had no idea of what he was going to say to his ex-lover, he had to see him and make sure Jim was okay. He needed to talk to him even though there wasn't anything he could really say to make it better. He had to try.

As he made it through the crowd, he noticed Selek, speaking with Seleen if he remembered correctly, and the conversion did not look friendly. Spock knew him to be the council member of Dalenius; he had spoken to the man once, when the Enterprise visited the planet. He did not agree with Seleen's culture or beliefs; however, he had to respect the man, because of who he was.

Once he was close enough, Spock could make out what they were saying. "I will notify the Federation if you keep persisting," Selek said. The old Vulcan was standing tall with his hands behind his back, and his tone could scare most people.

"I do have a right to speak with Captain Kirk," Seleen stated as he eyed an empty hallway.

"Only if he wishes it, and he does not wish it. Respect his wishes or face the consequences. I believe you are aware of the Federation's penalties if you do not."

"I do not care-" Seleen started.

"One should be careful when speaking in public," Spock interrupted as he made his way toward them.

"Commander Spock," Selek greed formally.

"Is everything alright?" Spock asked as he eyed the two, knowing something was going on with them and it had to do with Jim.

Seleen eyed him. "We are well." He took a deep breath. "However, I must go as there is someone I need to speak to." He turned and left without another word.

Selek took a deep breath. "We must be careful of him," he warned as he turned to the empty hallway.

"Why is that?" Spock asked taking a step after him.

"He is after Jim."

That took the air from Spock's lungs. "Why would he be after Jim? Was he the one that…" He could not finish the sentence because he could not handle the thought of it. There would be no doubt that he would make that man suffer if he was. Changing his focus to Jim, he could not comprehend how Jim was able to get back up and how strong he was when everyone else turned on him. Sure Jim had left, which made people think he was a coward, but now Spock saw the truth. He was strong as he was able to do what was needed. He left everything he loved for the better of others without a thought for himself, and Spock felt shameful because he had helped to force him out.

"No, he is the father of the filth," Selek answered. "He is trying everything in his power to force Jim back to Dalenius to mate with his son. His persistent is becoming harassment." Selek's tone and body was stiff as if he was trying to control his anger. "Because of this, the Federation has ordered him to stop all attempts to communication with Jim, and they had stated there will be consequences he does not adhere to this."

Spock glanced around, looking for Jim; he was hoping Jim was not round. "I have seen Jim walk off into this direction. Has he-"

Selek turned around. "Unfortunately, he had already seen Jim, and I am afraid that Jim did not take it well." He took a deep breath and walked toward the empty hallway.

"Where is he now?" Spock asked. He had to make sure he was okay. He knew his presence would not do Jim well, but he knew he had to try, even if it would mean they would never see each other again. That was what he deserved anyways.

"Ensign Chekov had taken him down this hallway to an empty room. However, I am unsure if it would be wise for you to come." Selek started to walk off.

Spock followed. "I have heard about Jim's disregard for his own life from his brother." It pained him to think that Jim had thought killing himself was his only way out. "I will not leave him without making sure he is okay first. Though I am not worthy of Jim, I cannot allow him to suffer. I need to fix this."

"There are some things that cannot be fixed, Spock. I believe our father had taught you that."

"If that was the case, why did you lead me to the truth?"

"Because Jim needed it."

* * *

As he walked out of the room, he held no belief that he would be returning to the party. He knew Pike would be upset, but once he heard what had happened, Jim was sure he would understand. He couldn't handle people right now and he really couldn't handle his emotions at the moment. He was angry one second and the next he wanted to curl up into a ball. He really couldn't stand himself and that didn't need to be at a party.

"Kirk!" Chekov had followed him out, which Jim knew would happen. The ensign cared too much to let him go.

"I'm fine," Jim stated, trying to hide his still bleeding hand. It didn't want to stop bleeding.

"Ve should see a doctor!" Chekov pointed off to toward the medical bay, trying to steer him.

Jim, who had seen enough doctors and medical facilities for a life time, wanted nothing with that idea. He just wanted to go back to his quarters and rest for the rest of the night. He needed to put his brain to rest because it kept going to that dark place, which would lead to death. "I'm fine," he repeated.

"And James T. Kirk would always be fine."

It took Jim a few seconds to realize that that voice did not belong to the Russian. "Selek," he smiled, only smiling for the old Vulcan. "Is he gone…" His voice faded as he saw the person behind Selek. If it was possible, Jim's anger had grown.

"Kommander Spock," Chekov greeted.

Jim looked between the two wondering why in the hell would Selek bring Spock to see him. Selek knew how he didn't want anything to do with any of his old crew. "Why are you here?" Jim hissed. Turning his attention to Selek, Jim spoke, "Why did you bring him here?" He could see the hurt in Spock's eye when he glanced back, and it pissed him off again. Spock had no right to feel pain, because he had betrayed him and left him alone when he needed them.

"I follow him, Jim. I want to speak to you," Spock answered. His tone was soft, and Jim had a hard time hearing him. "I am sorry."

Jim had to make sure he wasn't hearing things, because Spock just said he was sorry. That Vulcan had never said he was sorry because he didn't believe in saying it as he rarely sorry for any of his actions. Spock was never the one to regret his actions, even if Jim didn't agree with his actions. Even after their many fights, Spock never said sorry. According to him it would be illogical for him say sorry because he was right. "So? That doesn't change a damn thing!" Sure it warmed his heart that he did say it, but he had stabbed his heart and sorry would not heal it. "Leave me alone."

"Jim," Spock spoke.

He hated how Spock said his name; he wasn't allowed to speak his name so intimately. "Just go," he stated, trying to hold back his anger. He didn't want a repeat of what happened to that room to happen again, and he was sure breaking Spock's face would be harder than breaking the wall. "There's nothing you can say," he waved him off with his bad hand, which he regretted a second later.

Selek stepped forward. "Jim, what happen to your hand?" he asked, concerned as the blood didn't seem to want to stop. "We should have a doctor look at it."

"It's nothing," Jim answered a little too fast.

"Jim, I would agree with Ambassador Selek," Spock stated as he took a step toward Jim. There was a hesitation in his step.

Every time he heard his name out of Spock's mouth, Jim wanted to snap and yell at him, but he couldn't. It had taken Jim a long time to get the Vulcan to address him using his first name, and he had liked how it sounded. Though it was painful each time he heard it now, he didn't have the will to tell him to stop. "You have no right to care about me, Commander. No right at all, so don't even try to care about my pain," Jim demanded.

"You are correct that I have no right, and I would agree; however, you are hurt." Spock was eyeing Jim's hand as he took a deep breath. Even when he thought Jim had betrayed him, he hated to see Jim hurt, and right now, it was killing him because he was the reason.

Chekov looked to his Commander. "I tried as vell, Sir. He vill not listen."

Selek took a deep breath. "Jim, it is not weakness to ask for help. It shows strength." He took a few steps to Jim. "Please, ask for help."

Jim glanced at him, knowing he was right, but he didn't want help from them. "I can handle myself." He looked back to Spock, still fighting the urge to deck him. He knew he would have already if his right hand wasn't in pain. "Do me a favorite? Leave me the hell alone and you can tell the rest of the Enterprise to do the same."

"Jim," Spock called again.

It was something to listen to Spock, because Jim had never heard him sound so weak, even when Spock first thought Jim had cheated him. However, Jim didn't care. He was happy Spock was hurting, because he deserved it, after what they did to him. "Just stop saying my name, because you really have no right," Jim snapped. "Just go!" How many times did he have to say that? Jim turned to leave, because if Spock didn't leave, he would. His anger was starting to boil over.

Selek eyed Jim. "Maybe, it would be wise to listen. Forgiveness is the first step in moving forward."

He had thought about it for a brief second. "No, I don't think I want to," Jim answered. He knew Selek was right, but he wasn't really ready for that, and he didn't want to. Why did they have the right?

"Jim," Selek said as he crossed to him. He placed his hand on Jim's shoulder. "In order to move on, you must let it go."

Jim narrowed his eyes at Selek, as he looked him in the eye. It was starting to look like Selek was on Spock's team, and that pissed Jim off more. Sure, it made sense as they were the same person, but Spock didn't deserve to have anyone on his team. "Since when are you siding with Spock?" he asked in a whisper.

"I am worried about you," Selek admitted in a whisper. "You are not allowing yourself to heal. You need time. I believe taking the Providence is an unhealthy idea." Selek was only a few inches from Jim, as he spoke,

There hadn't been time for Jim to tell Selek or Chekov that he wasn't taking the ship and this was just a publicity stunt, but now, he wasn't sure if he wanted to enlighten them. "Well, you're the only one who thinks that," Jim snapped, loudly, drawing both Spock's and Chekov's attention. "I'm taking the ship and there's no stopping that," he stated turning away. He was sick and tired of being told what was good for him. "I can decide what is good for me!"

"Jim," Selek called out as Jim took a good number of steps away from him. "I am simply looking out for you."

"I do not need a fucken parent, Selek," Jim snapped. His anger was bursting through, and he was ready to hit something again, even if his hand was still hurting. Though the bleeding had slowed, it was still bleeding. He had done a number on his hand.

"He is looking out for you, like I should have done, and as I will do," Spock stated. "Again, I am sorry that I have not. I have shamed myself for betraying you. I should have believed you."

Though Spock needed to make it up for hurting him, it pissed him off that he said sorry again; saying sorry wouldn't help him. "Stop saying that," Jim stated, crossing back to Spock. "Just shut up and leave me the hell alone. I don't want to talk to you and hear what you have to say. There's nothing you can do to fix this." He was inches from Spock, holding back his anger or at least trying to. It was failing.

"I would agree with you that there is nothing I can do, but I need to try, Jim. I need to make sure you are okay," Spock stated, with soft weak voice. "If anyone were to happen to you, I would surely die."

Jim laughed, which threw people off. "That's fun, considering you shamed me off the Enterprise. You care about me now because you know I was truthful, innocent? Fuck that!" Jim hissed getting closer if that was possible. "You and everyone else treated me like shit. If you truly cared, you wouldn't have treated me the way that you did. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do." As Jim thought, he wondered where all this fight was, when he was still on the Enterprise. Why didn't he fight back? Why did he just lay down and die?

"I had thought you have…" Spock trailed off.

"Don't you say that," he shot back. "No one should be treated that way no matter what they did. I was your Captain!"

Spock looked into Jim's eyes. "I know. I have no excuse."

"Good."

"I need to make it up to you, even if you do not forgive me."

"Well that's impossible, because there is nothing you can do!" Jim snapped. "Just go before I hit you."

Selek stepped closer at Jim's threat. "Jim, let me take to you me medical."

Jim took his focus off Spock, who could've easy fought him off, and turned back to Selek. "No, I'm fine. I can take care of this in my quarters."

"Jim, let us take care of you," Spock asked, drawing back Jim's attention.

"I will never let you take care of me again, Spock." Jim, who could usually read Spock, was having a hard time reading the emotions he was seeing in the Vulcan's eyes, but he knew there must be pain, and Jim didn't care. "Just leave me alone," he stated yet again. "All of you just leave me alone." At this moment, he didn't want to deal with Selek, who had sided with Spock. There was no doubt that Spock knew of the rape _because_ of Selek.

"I cannot, Jim," Spock replied. "I cannot, knowing your mental state."

"My mental state? How would you know anything about it?" Jim was back in his face, and he could smell Spock's scent. O', he had missed it, and it had filled him with good memories, but they couldn't erase all of those bad memories out of his mind. There was a part of him that wanted to forgive and forget, because he did want to go back to his life on the Enterprise. However, it wasn't possible to forget what they did to them.

"I know about the crash, Jim, and how it was not an accident."

"What?" Jim muttered. No one knew besides Selek that he had intended to kill himself, even if some of the doctors thought it. "You told him?!" Jim snarled toward Selek.

"I did not, Jim. I would not betray your trust," Selek stated taking a step toward them.

"You already did," Jim replied, knowing Selek would not lie to him. However, he had told Spock the truth about the rape, when he didn't want to, and he didn't know if he could let that go. Why did everyone think they knew what was best for him? How can anyone know him better than him?

"Jim, it was your brother," Spock stated. "He told me about the accident, and I do not know if it would be wise to take the Providence Commission. You need to heal."

Jim was so sick of listening to Spock and just snapped, allowing his anger to take over. Not caring that his hand was in pain, he swung his hand and hit Spock in the face. "Shut-up!" Pain shot through his hand as his hand started to bleed again, but he hid the pain. "I don't give two shits what you have to say." He knew Spock could have stopped him from hitting him.

"Jim," Spock stated. "I-"

"NO! You have no fucken right!"

"I-"

"Jim, there you are! I have been looking everywhere for you," Aurelan stated as she stepped into the wall way. Though it looked like her hair was a little messy and her face was red, she still looked beautiful. "Your hand!" she stated as she crossed to them and gently picked up his hand.

"I'm fine, Aurelan," he stated as he looked at her.

She looked around to see Spock starting at her with an intense look. "Let me take you to the medical ward."

He tried to flex his hand, but he couldn't and groaned as his hand could be broken. He knew better than try to punch a Vulcan. "Fine," Jim submitted. "I will go with you." Jim, who tried his best to avoid them, could see the pain in both Selek's and Spock's eyes.

Aurelan put her arm around his shoulder and walked down the hallway past Chekov, who allow them by without a word. "You need to be careful, Jim," she stated.

Jim didn't say anything as Aurelan walked him away, because he didn't have anything else to say to them. If he stayed, he would have hit Spock again and that would have been bad, so he allowed himself to be dragged away by Aurelan.

* * *

As Aurelan and Jim arrived at the medical ward, she spoke, "So that was your ex?" She sat him down in a chair.

"Yes."

"So are Vulcan's faces as hard as I thing?" she asked as she looked around for a doctor. The ward was like a ghost town as she couldn't find any one.

"Is it that obvious?" Jim asked, as he leaned forward in the chair. He went over the conversion in mind as he tried to figure out what he was going to do about Selek and Spock. Though he knew Selek was doing what he thought was right, Jim still felt betrayed by him. How could he go to Spock behind his back? "Stupid," he muttered to himself. He knew Spock would try to talk to him again, which he didn't want, and he knew there would be others like McCoy.

"Yes, and did it feel better punching him?" she asked as she spotted a doctor.

Jim took a deep breath. "It did and didn't." He had always wanted to beat Spock for what he did for him, and he felt freedom as he was able to release some of his pain. But it broke him a little bit more as it meant he was farther and farther away from old lover. "And I do wish to punch him again even if I do break my hand," he spoke again, wondering if it was possible for him to move on.

The doctor walked past Aurelan and looked at Jim's hand. "It doesn't look broken, which is good. I can have this fix in no time." He disappeared behind a curtain.

"Jim," Aurelan said as she took a seat next to him. "I heard the end of that conversion. Did you try to kill yourself?" There was a concern look in her eyes that took his breath from her.

Jim pulled back the certain trying to see if the doctor was around. He didn't need someone else to think him unstable, which was what Spock thought. What right did he have to worry about this mental status when he was reason behind it? "I have thought about it, and I was close. I…I jumped off before going over the cliff."

She placed her hand on his injured hand and tried to look at his face, but he was looking away from her. "Jim."

"I was in a bad place, still am really, but at that time, I couldn't see the upside. You know I probably would have if I hadn't been thinking about him." Jim looked down. The thought of Spock had broken Jim out of his thoughts that day and made him jump from his bike.

Aurelan looked at him. "You were thinking about him?"

He took a deep breath. "I thought that even if he hated me, he wouldn't want me to kill myself."

"That's true."

"I don't care."

"He does," she stated as the doctor had come back with a device.

"I don't care if he does. I just want to move on and forget that he exists." Maybe, he really should take the Providence, as it would make it easy to escape from him. And he really did want to be back on a ship.

The Doctor stepped in front of Jim and ran the device over Jim's hand. In a few minutes, Jim's hand healed. "You're good to go, but it will be sore for a few days."

"Thanks," Jim muttered as he got to his feet. The Doctor disappeared again, leaving Aurelan and Jim alone. "I need time to myself, Aurelan."

She looked at him. "Is that a good idea?"

"I don't a baby sitter!" Jim stated before leaving her. She didn't follow.

* * *

Spock watched Jim walk away with Aurelan if he recalled correctly, as an emotion ran through him. Through deep breaths, he was able to keep his jealously in check. "Do you know her?" he asked Selek. He knew it was foolish because he was the one who had betrayed and turn him away.

"I am aware of who Miss Swift is," Selek answered.

Spock stared down the hallway, wondering how she was able to get Jim to listen to her without a fight. "She came with Jim?" He had no right feel jealous or anger when he was the one who betrayed Jim.

"She did," Selek replied.

"Sir, may I speak freely?" Chekov asked as he stepped forward.

Turning his attention to the Russian, Spock spoke, "There is no need to stand on ceremony right now, Ensign." Chekov had seen enough and it would be foolish not to listen to him. He also seemed to be one of the closest people to Jim at the moment.

"You are an idiot, Sir," Chekov replied.

"I must contest-" Spock started.

Selek cut him off. "He is not insulting your intelligence. He is simply stating that you have handled the situation poorly, which I have to agree with." He took a deep breath. "Neither did I."

Chekov was confused. "Hov did you let him dovn?"

"Jim feels like I have betrayed his trust and I must admit. I have," Selek stated.

Spock narrowed his eyes. "Maybe, not soon enough. Jim had been alone enough and you have allowed him to do so, instead of just revealing the truth." There was a pause. "Jim could have killed himself as you allowed him to suffer," he stated.

"Do not speak as if you are innocent, young one. If I would have tried to control him, he would not have allowed it and the outcome would have been worse. If you wish to blame someone, Salean is the reason," Selek answered, almost snapping. "You should also blame yourself. I am not the one who had abandoned him and I am not the one who allowed Jim suffered alone."

"That was a mistake," Spock answered. "I will make up for it."

Chekov glanced between the two. "I don't think you can," he answered as he turned and walked away. "You hawe broken him, Sir."

Spock and Selek watched him leave, knowing that he was right. "It would be best to leave Jim alone for now," Selek stated. "He needs time to himself."

"I cannot do that. I must insure Jim is okay."

"You know he is not fine, and your presence is only hurting him."

"Were you not the one who forced me to see the truth? Why are you forcing me away now?" Spock eyed as he walked to the room Jim and Chekov walked out of it. His heart almost dropped as he saw it. Broken pieces of wood laid everywhere and there were flecks of Jim's blood. He could see the indent on the wall, where Jim had hit it. Selek had walked in behind. "Jim."

"I am worried, Spock. He holds everything inside and I believe it is killing him. This is Jim's reaction after seeing Seleen, and his reaction to seeing you was also alarming," Selek admitted. The worry was breaking through his calm voice. Spock turned back to him, and Selek could almost see the pain that Spock was feeling. "Jim needs help."

"And you believe I am not it," Spock spoke, turning back to the broken wood. "And I do not believe he is ready for the Providence."

"Neither do I, but he will not listen," Selek answered.

"Something needs to be done."

* * *

By the time McCoy realized that Spock had left him, Jim had disappeared off the stage. "Stupid hobgoblin," he muttered to himself as he made his away to the end of the stage. He knew he should've expected that from Spock, because there was nothing that could keep Spock away from him now. He also knew that Jim would not take it well if he was ambushed by them, and he knew it would turn out bad. _Maybe, I would just let Spock at him first, _he thought to himself. However, he couldn't wait to see Jim, his best friend, who he had to talk to.

Making it to the end of the stage, he noticed Jim wasn't here, but he spotted Selek and Spock disappear down a hallway. Fighting an urge to go after them to see if they had located Jim, he could see there was tension between them, and it would be stupid to get in a fight with two angry Vulcans, who wouldn't admit they were angry. That would be a death wish, which McCoy didn't have.

"Where is Jim?" he asked himself as he looked around again. Taking a deep breath, he thought about the situation. Spock had probably scared Jim away, and no one was going to find him now, which annoyed him.

"McCoy!"

The Doctor turned around to see Sulu walking toward him. "Sulu," he greeted, wondering if he could somehow hacked into the security system to search for Jim. He disregarded that idea as he knew he would never be able to do that.

"I can't believe Kirk is taking another ship, not that I blame him," Sulu stated. "However, I take it you didn't find him." McCoy snorted. "Yea, yea. I know."

He didn't like the idea of Jim taking another ship either, but he didn't have a choice or a say. If Starfleet thought he was ready after the terrible event, he must be ready. He knew he couldn't be the judge of Jim's readiness, because he had no idea of what Jim went through or what he was going through. McCoy couldn't even imagine what Jim had gone through or how alone he must have felt.

His mind wandered to Jim's time away from the Starfleet, and he wondered what was going on in his head. He had no idea of how Jim did in his time away or even if he was stable, but if he had to judge, Jim wasn't ready. He ran away and hid so he wouldn't have to deal with it. He would rather lie than admit what happened to him…McCoy did know they were to blame for that as well, and for that, he couldn't forgive himself. He turned away from his friend when he needed him the most and he hated himself for that.

"Have you found Chekov by a chance?" he asked, trying to thing about something else.

Sulu shook his head, looking around. "Wait, there he is."

McCoy stared off in the direction Sulu had pointed in and he could see an angry Russian coming toward. "He looks angry." He had only see Chekov angry a few times and each one of those times, he was scared to leave the Medical bay.

"Maybe, he found Kirk," Sulu answered.

"I don't-"

"Hey, Chekov," Sulu spoke.

Chekov looked between the two as if he was looking for something to say.

"Are you okay?" McCoy asked. Guessing from Chekov's appearance, there was nothing wrong with him, but he knew something was wrong with him. He looked pissed.

"Hov dare you do that to Kirk!" he snapped. "He needed you and you left him!"

Sulu looked at him confused. "You know?"

"Yes," he answered. "Kirk told me so!"

McCoy almost jumped. "You have seen Kirk! Where is he?"

Chekov looked at him wondering if he should tell him. "He vas on his way to the Medical Bay."

That made McCoy's eye grow. "What happen to him? Is he okay?" He was freaking out in side, because he knew Jim already had a bad act of getting into trouble and he hated to see it now.

"Vhy should I tell you?" Chekov asked.

McCoy knew Chekov was right, because he was of the reason why Jim left, and he knew he had no right to Jim after what he had done. "I need to make sure he is okay."

Chekov took a deep breath. "He's not okay, Doctor."

* * *

Jim sat alone in a dark corner staring out a window at the planet below with one thought on his mind. He hated when people tried to tell him to do and he was tired of listening to people who thought they knew more than he. How could any think they knew what was best for him? They couldn't and he was going to show them.

"I'm taking the commission and there isn't anything or anyone that can stop me," he said to himself.

He knew he wasn't ready, but he had to do something, because what he was doing wasn't helping anything. It would also shut up the Enterprise, and he would love to see that.

* * *

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SO I hoped you like this! Remember to review!

Peace until next time.


	14. Nothingness vs Everything

Yea, yea, I know. I just couldn't get writing. It took me awhile, but I got the new chapter. Someone on here told me if I was quicker on updates, I would have more followers. I know he's correct, but it hard to get the creative juices flowing.

I hope you enjoy this chapter. :)

Edited: Special thanks to MoonstarWorld, who had edited this for me! :)

* * *

**Chapter 14: **

**Nothingness vs. Everything**

* * *

Unwilling to do anything, Jim was now lying alone in his bed, staring at the ceiling as he thought through what had just happened in the last few hours. After the run in with Spock and Seleen (and the medical bay), Jim went straight to his quarters, and didn't leave after activating the locks. There had been a few knocks at his door, but he didn't answer any of them. He didn't want to talk, and whoever it was at his door had left after a few seconds without a word, getting the picture that he didn't want to talk. That surprised Jim, as the people he knew who could be knocking wouldn't give up. He was glad that they left him alone.

Taking a deep breath, Jim looked away from the ceiling and glanced at the mirror across the room. Although he couldn't see himself from that angle, he couldn't help but stare. The light was reflecting strangely off the mirror. "I need a life," he said to himself as he was easily distracted by the light.

"I need to get over this shit," Jim told himself, being sick and tired of feeling like garbage. He needed to get over that because he wasn't a baby. And the idiot liars were right. He needed to get over it if he wanted to move on with his life. Maybe taking the ship wasn't the best idea, but it was the only idea he had. He couldn't go back to how he was living before, even if he wasn't ready to take a ship at the moment. Besides, the Providence wasn't even finished yet, so there was time for him to heal. Although he didn't like the idea, he considered the thought of seeing a therapist when he got back to Earth. _Might go see one, _he added to that thought. He knew he should talk to someone, because this not talking was only hurting him.

He shot up from the bed. He really didn't want to speak about it to anyone, even if it could help him. He didn't want to open up to anymore pain because he wouldn't be able to take it. "I can't." he muttered to himself as he stood up, "I need a drink." Yes, he knew he shouldn't, but he just couldn't take this reality anymore. How could anyone think he could? _"You don't need a drink, Kirk."_ If he kept telling himself, he might believe it.

"But I want it," he whined to the room. He took a deep breath as he closed his eyes, but they didn't stay shut for long. "And I'm going to get one." Each time he closed his eyes or tried to rest his mind, he went back to that night and the fear he felt. He had never felt that weak before, and seeing his ex-crew and Seleen had brought back that fear. He couldn't deal with that, which was why he needed a drink, even if he kept telling himself that he was finished with drinking.

It was a fight to stay away from alcohol, and he was going to keep trying. He had promised himself that he would stop, because he didn't want to lose control. He wanted to have a clear mind and didn't like the thoughts that kept intruding. He didn't know how to make the terrible thoughts stop without drinking them away.

_That's it! _Jim decided he was going to have a drink because he would go crazy without one. He didn't want to deal with his problem right now. He could deal with it after he got back to Earth. He needed to if he wanted the ship and he decided he wanted the beautiful ship called Providence. Yes, there was a part of him that wanted to go back to the Enterprise, but he didn't know if he could handle taking that one. There were so many bad memories on that ship.

Slipping on his shoes, Jim stood up and walked to the closet to put on his leather jacket. He was still wearing his non-formal uniform without the golden shirt that he had changed into since returning to his quarters. He had slept in his blacks and had no interest in changing out of the wrinkled clothes. He shrugged on his coat and headed to the door. Just before heading out, he glanced at the clock on the wall. He liked that it was very late. There were lesser chances that he would run into anyone.

* * *

The lights in the corridors were dimmed. There was no need for bright lights as everyone was supposed to be sleeping. It seemed like the lights designer wasn't aware that Jim wouldn't be able to sleep. It seemed like the bartender wasn't aware either as the bar was closed. On top of that, the replicators wouldn't supply any alcohol. He guessed he could try a store but that meant he would have to go planetside, and he didn't have any interest in traveling that far. He was too tired to try. He knew if he did, he would most likely get lost because sometimes his directional skills sucked.

"You don't need to drink anyways," he told himself. Though he had the biggest urge to take a drink right then, he knew it was the best that he didn't. He didn't know what he would do if he was drunk…He knew it was a problem which would just get worse if he didn't stop.

Though there was no one around, Jim flinched when he came to the banquet room where it had been announced that he would become a Captain again. It was the room where he ran into Seleen, who was still no doubtingly looking for him. "No," he told himself, shaking. He wasn't going to allow himself to be controlled by a room of all things.

Before taking a step into the large room, Jim looked to see if the water was gone. He wasn't sure if it was there all of the time or just during events, but to his joy, the water was gone. Eyeing the room around him, Jim walked to the stage. He didn't know what it was but if felt like he was being called there. Once he got to the center of the stage and behind the podium, he took a long look around the room.

The room, no longer glowing, was amazingly clean even though there had been a massive event a few hours ago. There was nothing out of place, which was to be expected since this room would be packed again in twelve hours. The Providence was displayed as a large hologram in the center and was the only light source in the whole room. Jim didn't mind the darkness as it hid him from any one passing by, not that he expected anyone at this time of the night.

Jim stood behind the podium and stared at the empty hall. He closed his eyes for a few seconds as he imaged it full of people and his ex-crew. He imaged them watching him, wondering what he was going to say. By now, they must all know what had happened to him… knew that he was innocent the whole time. They must have felt like shit, but Jim didn't care. It annoyed him that he enjoyed their pain. A Captain should never feel joy over someone's pain even if they deserved it. A Captain needed to forgive those who crossed him.

"What makes you think all of you deserve my forgiveness?" he asked the imaginary crew. In his eyes no one deserved anything from him but anger. "You turned your backs on me when I needed you the most. What makes you think I would let you back in, back into my heart?" His voice started to pick up as he spoke. He stared at one spot just a few feet away from the stage. "You don't get a say in my life anymore." In that spot, he imagined his ex-First Officer. "I just want you to forget that I exist. Just pretend like you never met me and let me move on. I need to move on and I can't do that with you." There was sadness in his voice.

Jim walked away from podium for a few steps before turning back. "I'm going to take that ship," he said, pointing at the hologram. "I'm going to make it one of the best ships in the fleet. I don't need you for anything."

Jim's mind demanded a drink as he could visualize Spock's face perfectly. The pointed ears, the upswept eyebrows, the dark eyes… He could see the sorrow and pain in Spock's face, knowing he had betrayed his Captain. He had turned his back on his lover, unable to take the pain in his eyes. He tried to tell himself that he didn't care and Spock could suffer all night long.

"But wouldn't that mean you haven't moved on yet, Jim?" he asked himself. He knew if he wanted to move on, he needed to look past his friends' betrayal and forgive them. No, that didn't mean he had to be friends or even talk to them again. It just meant he had to release them from their guilt. _"But I can't."_ He didn't think he could as he had too much anger towards his former crew. He didn't know how to release it without violence.

Jim turned his attention to another blank spot. "And you. You were my best friend. My only friend! Even if I did what that asshole said I did, you're supposed to side with _ME!_" he yelled. "You don't even like that hobgoblin and you picked him over me. How could you do that to me?" It had killed Jim when McCoy turned on him. Jim was surprised that he was able to make it through that alone. It had hurt worse than Spock's betrayal. "Why in the hell do you care if I cheated? I wasn't dating you!"

Shaking his head, Jim turned away from the podium. "And there's the fact that you call yourself a doctor. How could you not notice the pain I was in? How could you not notice that I was dying on the inside? How could you not notice the depression? I wanted to die…and I almost did. Did you know that I tried to end it all?" He took another deep breath. "Of course not. No one did."

Jim turned to a different spot with such hatred that he was surprised it didn't catch on fire. "And you. Who in the hell do you think you are? What makes you think I belonged to you? I belong to no one, but that didn't stop you from trying. Even in my dreams, I can't get away from you. If I could kill you I would, but we all know I can't. Murder is murder." He took a long deep breath as he was pissed and needed to calm down. "You r-raped me, Salean," he snarled. "For that you deserved to rot in hell! For the past few months I allowed you more than what you allowed me. I gave you control… control that I have never given anyone, and now I'm taking it back."

His voice became calm and soft as his anger started to disappear. Though he knew it was going to be an uphill battle and the urge to drink was still there at the very moment, Jim Kirk was going to reclaim his life. It was going to be long and hard but he was going to do it. "I'm James T. Kirk, and I'm the boss of my own life." He turned back to the end of the stage and stared at the Providence, which was _his_. He just had to claim it.

"Jim, I didn't know."

Jim almost jumped five feet into the air as he thought he was alone. Standing in the entryway was his brother, who he hadn't seen since the fight. He knew Sam was here and wanted to apologize, but he wasn't sure how to say it. "Sam, how much did you hear?" he asked. "Why are you up so late?"

Sam stepped into the room with his hands in his pockets. There was a look in Sam's eyes that Jim didn't like; pity. "All of it." He stopped at the edge of the stage but didn't step on it.

"Didn't anyone teach you manners?" Jim asked, putting up his defenses. He didn't want anyone to see him.

"Why do you do this?"

"Do what?"

"Not let anyone in," Sam answered as he stepped onto the stage. "This has more to do with you than with your crew's betrayal. Why won't you trust people? Please let someone in."

Unlike anyone else, Sam could read Jim's emotions. Jim, though he wanted to move on, didn't want to let anyone in or accept any help. "No," he answered. He didn't want to lie anymore. "I can't."

"I know it's hard, but…"

"No, you don't. You never had everyone you trusted knife you in the back," Jim interrupted. He lost count of the number of people who had. Sam was one of them, but Jim knew he couldn't blame him anymore for what happened during their childhoods. Sam was just as scared as he was when they were younger.

"You gave such a nice speech. Did you already forget it? Forgiveness is the key," he stated. He reached out his hand to his brother as a sign of forgiveness. "I'm sorry." Jim stared at the offered hand. "I was a jerk that day at the farmhouse. I shouldn't have said those things to you. I'm truly sorry. I wish I could change things."

Jim took his brother's hand. "Thank you." He paused. What he was about to say next was very hard for him. He took a deep breath before speaking. "But you also have nothing to be sorry for what happened when we were kids." He pulled his brother into his arms and hugged him. They stood in that hug for a few seconds before releasing. "I missed you, Sam." Jim could forgive his brother because he knew Sam had also suffered during their childhoods. He was too scared to stay and too strong to leave. Yet some part of him wondered whether or not Sam would defend him from his mother.

Sam stepped away with a smile. "You have forgiven me. Now, it's time to forgive the others." Jim didn't answer and just walked past him. Sam turned and watched Jim as he walked to the hologram. "It will help."

"I know."

"And talking does as well." Sam stepped to one of the many tables and leaned against it.

"I know."

"So why didn't you tell me or anyone else?" he asked, glancing back.

Jim flinched. "If we're being honest here, why would I tell anyone?" He dropped down to sit on the end of the hologram box. "We weren't, aren't really, close. I can't stand mother dearest at all." Yes, there was a part of him that wanted to work it out with his mother, but each time he thought he could, she shot it down. He couldn't take her fake happiness, because in the end that was all it was; fake. He could still see it in her eyes. She was forcing this connection with him and that hurt. There shouldn't be any forcing with a relationship. "Oh, there was a deadbeat crew, who couldn't even look at me…. I couldn't admit it to myself, so how could I tell any of you?"

Sam stared as he was unable to speak.

"Can we change the topic?" he asked his brother. He really didn't want to talk to his brother about this….well anyone really.

"Yes, but you still need to talk to someone."

"I know." They locked eyes for a few seconds. "I know."

Sam turned back to Jim with a thought in his mind, but he didn't reveal it. "Are you and Aurelan dating?" he asked. There was something in this voice that Jim couldn't pinpoint.

It wasn't something Jim expected Sam to ask, and why would he ask that? What would give him that idea? Yes, he had played with the idea of pretending to date her, but she shot that down. "No, she just brought me here. I thought about pretending though," he admitted. "Neither of us were over our exes."

Turning, Sam stared at Jim. "What?" It was cleared he was shocked.

Jim eyed Sam from the corner of his eye. "Yes, Sam. She isn't over you." He flashed back to what Aurelan had told him about her former relationship with his brother and about his drinking problem. Was Sam over it yet? "Are you?" he asked aloud.

"Are you going to see Mother?" Sam asked changing the subject.

Nope, it didn't seem so. Jim inwardly sighed. It looks like he wasn't the only one who needed to talk to someone. "No. I think it's time to go to bed." Jim turned toward the door. "I will say that it was great to talk to you, Sam. Maybe, we can talk some more." That was the true, and Jim meant it. He just didn't want to talk about _it._ "About something else though." He smiled at his older brother.

"I would like that," Sam responded. "And I did come to your room earlier but you didn't answer."

"That was you? That would explain one of the knocks." There had been a few knocks on the door. He refused to answer and had no clue who had tried. "But yeah, just stop back sometime." With that Jim left the hall leaving his brother alone.

* * *

Jim really did mean to go back to his quarters but the second he turned down the corridor, he suddenly changed his mind and was off in the opposite direction. He knew he should be sleeping as he had a big day ahead of him, but the nightmares wouldn't let him get any rest. The only solid sleep he had in the past month was on the Constellation, and he still didn't really understand how. It probably had something to do with the fact it was a starship.

Within a few minutes he found himself at the door of Admiral Pike's room. "I hope he's alone," he joked. He didn't know anything about Pike's personal life, not that he really cared to find out who the Admiral was sleeping with. "Urgh," he muttered as an image of Pike and some girl appeared in his mind. "That's going to scar me for the rest of my life."

Taking a deep breath, Jim rang the bell to the door. He wasn't surprised when there was no answer. Though the chances were low that Pike would answer, there was also a chance he would have to yell at him to go away. Jim knew first hand that Pike wasn't a heavy sleeper, which had landed him in trouble a few times. He rang the bell again, and again there was no answer.

"Maybe, I should walk away," Jim said to himself. This could be a sign just to leave, but he really wanted to speak to Pike. "I could wait for tomorrow, but…" He was scared because there was a chance he would turn chicken and change his mind. Taking a deep breath, Jim rang again, and this time he held it for a few seconds. He knew this had to be annoying Pike.

"This better be an emergency or I'm going to make it one!" Jim heard Pike yell through the comm. He held back the laugher as he doubted that Pike would do that. "If this is some prank, I'll court martial your ass!"

As the door flew open, Jim spoke, "Already happened once." He waved it off, chuckling. That one court martial flashed before his eyes as he thought about it. It had been the first time he met Spock, and that didn't turn out well….but then again, that whole day didn't end well. He rubbed his neck.

Leaning against the door and getting over his shock at seeing Jim at his door, Pike narrowed his eyes as he crossed his arms. "This one would be ten times worse." He looked at Jim. "What's going on?"

"I needed to speak with you."

"And this couldn't wait until morning?" Pike asked annoyed.

Jim took a deep breath. "No," he answered simply.

"Come in," Pike said, moving to the side of the door.

He waved Jim in. Jim took a step into the room before freezing. There, in the corner of Pike's quarters were a few bottles of alcohol, and even after his promise, Jim still craved a drink. He wanted one badly, but he knew he couldn't take a sip. _I can't be in here._ "Can we take a walk?" Jim asked, not wanting to talk in here.

Pike narrowed his eyes. "It's late."

"I know."

"Fine, let me get changed," Pike sighed as he turned away from the door.

Jim glared at the whiskey before watching Pike head to the restroom in his quarters. "I'll wait outside for you," he spoke. Pike nodded as he left Jim outside. Taking a deep breath, Jim leaned against the wall and closed his eyes.

What was he going to say Pike? Should he tell him the truth about everything? Pike didn't know the whole story even if the Admiral thought he did. He didn't know how badly Spock and McCoy had betrayed him and that his whole crew turned on him for something that had nothing to do with them. He just knew something happened. Sure, Jim was pissed at the whole lot of them, but he didn't want to throw the crew under the bus and let Pike roast them.

There was also the fact that Jim had a drinking problem….yes, he could admit it to himself, but he didn't want to tell anyone else. They didn't need to know that. He took a deep breath. If he told Pike about the drinking, it wouldn't turn out well and he could lose the Providence. Who would want a drunken idiot in charge of a ship? Okay, Jim didn't blame anyone for that one, but he still didn't like it. He was trying to change everything about himself. Would that account for anything? He hoped it did.

There was also the issue that he had anger management problems and tried to kill himself. That wasn't exactly captain material. No one wanted a captain like that. "What am I going to do?" he asked with a sigh. He couldn't go on with his life as it was right now, because it would eventually kill him. Should he go back to Starfleet? He was unstable and people knew it. Spock knew which annoyed him. He knew how protective the Vulcan was of him, and what he would do anything if he thought Jim was in danger.

Again, that protectiveness just pissed him off and it made him want to hit the pointy eared bastard, even if it was a very stupid idea. He didn't need a broken hand. He hadn't run into McCoy yet, but he already knew that meeting wasn't going to turn out well either. He had so much anger toward the doctor that he would probably hit him the moment he saw him. He had planned to try hard to avoid them until he realized there would always be a chance. All three of them were part of Starfleet.

Jim turned as he heard the door open. Pike walked out wearing a black shirt and pants like Jim, but his blacks weren't a part of a Starfleet uniform like Jim's outfit. "So what do you want to talk about?" he asked.

"Let's walk," Jim said as he turned. He had to work up the nerve to tell Pike the truth.

In silence, Pike walked behind Jim eyeing him. It didn't take a genius to know that Jim wanted to talk about something important and knew from experience he couldn't push the kid to talk.

After they reached an observation deck, Jim turned to face Pike. He leaned back against the glass and took a deep breath. "Pike," he spoke.

Though he didn't want to push Jim, Pike was tired and would rather be sleeping than standing in a dark room. "You know I would like to get back to sleep."

"Got a hot girl in there?" Jim joked. Though he shouldn't be changing the subject, he needed a laugh.

Pike narrowed his eyes. "No, I don't. Not you." There was a chuckle.

_Geez, does everyone thinks I am man whore?_ He thought to himself. The crude joke hurt, but he let it go. There was no need to pick a fight over it.

Pike stopped chuckling when he saw Jim's jaw tighten. He had forgotten what a lot of people assumed about Kirk. "But that isn't what you wanted to talk about? And if that is, I'm going to slap you."

Jim smiled softly. "First of all, I'm sorry for how I acted since I got here. All of it had been uncalled for." He had acted like a child towards his former commanding officer and Pike didn't deserve it.

"You woke me up to say you're sorry?" He sounded annoyed. "It could have waited until tomorrow." He walked to the bench in the corner of the room and took a deep breath. He remembered it took a lot for Jim to say he was sorry. "I do accept it though. I understand what you were going through." There was an interesting plant next to the bench, which Pike studied as he sat down.

It was now or never for Jim. "An apology wasn't why I woke you up, but it's important." He took another deep breath. "I want the Providence."

Pike smiled. "I figured you would. I wondered how long it would take you to decide." He leaned forward. "But again, why did you wake me for this?"

He knew it was stupid to wake Pike up because the man was grumpy without sleep. "I needed to say what I'm about to say now."

"Did Spock piss you off? Are you accepting this because you're angry?" he asked. "I saw you both go down the same hallway. What did he say?"

Was that the reason? Yes, he wasn't thinking about the assignment before Spock pissed him off, but it wasn't the only reason why he was accepting the Providence. He needed it. He needed his old life back. "Not really."

"Jim…"

"It isn't," Jim snapped. He also wasn't taking it because several people told him it was a bad idea. This had nothing to do with that.

"Okay, then what is it?" he asked. "There's something. I can see it."

Jim allowed himself to slip down the window into a sitting position on the ground. "I think…no, I know," he admitted after a few seconds, "that I have a problem."

Pike eyed him on the floor. "We all have problems."

"This might stop me from taking the Providence," Jim stated as he rested his head on his knees. He stared at the floor, feeling like he was going to make the biggest mistake of his life.

"Jim, what is it?"

"I have a drinking problem."

"I know."

Jim stared at him, his eyes wide open. "What? How?"

Pike stood up and walked to Jim. He slowly sat down next to him and put an arm on Jim's shoulder. "I did watch you ride off drunk. I saw the signs, and I saw how you acted when you noticed the whiskey in my room."

"Signs? Am I that readable?" he asked, annoyed at that possibility. It was the last thing he wanted to be.

"That and Selek told me."

"What? Why would he tell you?" It pissed him off. Why would Selek tell Pike anything? It was none of his business. _He cares about you,_ he told himself.

"He doesn't believe you're ready for the Providence. Spock agrees, but I don't know how much weight I would put in his opinion about you," Pike admitted.

"They both need to just mind their business," Jim snapped.

Pike eyed him. "I thought you and Selek were close."

Jim shot to his feet. He was angry and annoyed. "He betrayed me to Spock." He ran his hand through his hair as he crossed to the plant Pike was looking at earlier. It was a funny color that made Jim take a double look._ How could Selek do this to me?_ It made Jim want to yell at him.

"How did he do that?" he asked. "I don't understand why you don't tell Spock the truth? I'm sure he would've stood with you. What's going on?"

"Nothing," Jim yelled. "There's nothing going on!" He kicked the plant, but all the action did was shoot pain through his body.

"Jim!" Pike yelled, jumping to his feet as Jim winced. "There's something. Tell me." There was compassion in his voice that made Jim want to tell him everything.

Shaking his head, Jim turned. He had a feeling that Pike knew about his relationship with Spock, though he had never been sure about it. "There's more," Jim spoke. He took a deep breath and opened his mouth. He explained everything. He admitted his relationship with Spock to Pike. He told him about his last days on the Enterprise, about his anger, and his lack of caring. He told him about his pain, his attempt to take his own life, and how he kept thinking about it.

"Jim…"

"I did, Pike. When I left you, I had reached my end. I wanted to end it all…There's a small part of me that still wants to end it all," he confessed. There were tears running down his face. "See? I bet you want to take the Providence away from me now, don't you?"

Pike took a deep breath. "I want to help you, Jim. I want the best for you."

Jim turned and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't answer my question." He tried to curb his anger but it was getting harder to do. He thought it would start to get better now that he had something, but it was about to be taken from him.

"Though I'll do anything for you, I'm an Admiral in Starfleet. I cannot allow an unstable man take control of a ship when there's a chance he can hurt those in his command."

"So yes," he replied, slowly. Jim knew Pike was correct and if he was in Pike's spot, he would do the same thing. "Then why let me think I could take it?" His voice was soft, almost too soft to hear.

"I didn't think you would take it to begin with since you know the whole 'forcing you into this' ruse." Jim stared at him with an intense look. Pike took another deep breath. "And if you did, I have two years, Jim. Two years to get you back."

Jim exhaled. "You think I can get better?"

"I have faith in you."

"You would be the only one." It seemed like no one, except Pike, believed in him anymore, and it pissed him off. He thought he had Selek in his corner but now he wasn't too sure. It appeared he was siding with Spock now which annoyed the hell out of him. Selek knew what Spock did to him, so why would he do that? He was supposed to be his support.

"They have faith in you. You just can't see it."

Shaking his head, he took a deep breath. "I don't know what to do." He was at a lost to what he was supposed to be doing. Was he supposed to pretend he was okay? Was he supposed to show his pain and tears? As he closed his eyes, he blew out the air he was holding. He didn't want anyone to see his broken self. He didn't want anyone to know that he was dying on the inside.

"You took the first step." Pike put his arm around Jim and pulled the younger man towards him. "Once we get back to Earth, we can move from there." He guided Jim forward to the door. "Let's get you to bed. You need to rest. "

"Rest," Jim muttered as he allowed Pike to guide him to his quarters. He didn't think he could do that with so many thoughts running through his mind.

"Yeah, I'll be back in the morning for you," he stated. "I came to your room earlier but you never answered. Let's hope you answer in the morning."

Once they got to the corridor outside of Jim's room, he pulled away from Pike, who reluctantly allowed him to do so. "I can make it from here. Thank you, sir."

Pike took a deep breath. "Anytime, kid." He smiled as he turned to leave.

Jim watched as Pike walked away. He hadn't told Pike about his run in with Seleen, because he wasn't sure what good it would do. Yes, he would love to see Seleen thrown out on his ass, but it wouldn't stop that monster. He didn't want to seem like a bigger baby than he already felt. He wanted to move forward not backwards and that involved forgiveness. Sam had been right, but he didn't know if he was strong enough for that.

"And Jim," Pike called, bringing Jim out of his thoughts. Jim turned and saw that the Admiral was a few feet away from him. "If you wake me up in the middle of the night again, there'll be hell to pay."

That made Jim chuckle. "Yea, yea." He waved his off. Pike disappeared around a corner, leaving him alone in the dark. Jim stared off into the direction. "What am I doing?" he asked himself as he crossed to the door. There was a part of him that always seemed to doubt his own actions.

It took him one try to enter the code to his door even though he was dead tired and his eyes were nearly closed. The door slid open and he walked to his bed without turning the lights on. He didn't need them as he would be going straight to bed or at least trying to sleep. He wasn't really sure if he could sleep anymore.

Sitting down on the bed, Jim took off his coat and tossed it aside. He had aimed for the desk but missed and the coat landed a few feet short. He didn't care and wasn't going to pick it up. Facing the room with his back to the wall, he lay down on his side and exhaled. He shifted a few times, trying to get comfortable.

Before closing his eyes, he noticed something on the table in his room, which hadn't been there before he left for his night walk. "Lights," he called out. The lights flicked on, quickly revealing the object on the table. "What the hell?"

In a vase on the table, stood some very ugly looking flowers, or what Jim thought were flowers. He didn't have any idea of what kind they were but knew he had seen them before. He had no idea why the obnoxious flowers, which were dark in color, looked familiar to him. Jim Kirk wasn't a fan of flowers as they were useless in his opinion. Sure, they smelled good, but that didn't last. Why would anyone waste their money on something that was going to die soon anyway? If Jim recalled correctly, he only purchased flowers one time because an ex begged him to buy her flowers.

However, the real question was how they did they get into his quarters? No one could get into his room unless they had the access code, and no one, including Aurelan, had the code. It was how he liked it. He didn't want anyone to have unneeded access to him.

Jumping to his feet, Jim walked to the vase to get a closer look. After he found out who sent the flowers, he would go yell at that person, because it pissed him off that someone was able to get in his room. Noticing a card in the flowers, Jim pulled it out. _There are only a few people that could have sent this, _he thought. If had been from Spock (not that he suspected they came from him), he would throw them at his face.

He opened the card and froze, even though his heart was moving at a million miles per hour. "How is this possible?" he asked, shocked. Closing his eyes, Jim tried to calm himself, as he was about to have a panic attack. "No. NO," he yelled, dropping the card. "I won't let you." He picked up the vase full of flowers and hurled them against the wall. The vase shattered, soaking the wall and floor with water. The flowers had flown everywhere, scattering their ugly petals all over the room. "NO." He pushed the chair out of the way as he made his way to the door. He couldn't stay here anymore.

Jim couldn't get out of the room fast enough, leaving the card on the floor. There was nothing special about the card itself as it was a single piece of white paper, but it was the message that had been written on it that had sent Jim running.

_Jim, _

_Oh, how I miss you and the feel of your skin on mine. I miss your scent. I miss your eyes. I want to see you, but there're so many forces in my way, which I must deal with first. I know these flowers aren't much, but I hope they remind you of my love. I promise, I will see you soon, because nothing will keep me from you, my love._

_Your Salean_

The note had shaken Jim to the very core. He didn't know what was going to do but knew he had to do something. Though he wanted and was going to move on (Jim had told himself that he wouldn't fail), he didn't know if he would be able to handle seeing Salean again. It only made things worse that he knew Saleen was hiding somewhere, watching him. He knew eventually the fear alone would surely kill him…. He knew Salean wouldn't let him go.

Jim was really beginning to think life wasn't worth it anymore.

* * *

Just to let you know, I am about half way through the next chapter. :)


	15. Captain MIA

I know I know. It is a fast update for me :)

I meant to have this out before the new Star Trek Movie but it did not work like that. However, here it is. I hope you enjoy it :)

And the save copy right thing applies. I do not own or make any money off this.**..**

Edited 6/2/2013: Special thanks to MoonstarWorld, who had edited this for me! :)

* * *

**Chapter 15: **

**Captain MIA**

* * *

Aurelan hadn't seen Jim since he stormed out of the medical bay, and she was worried. She didn't know what was going through his head, but she knew it probably couldn't be anything good. Jim had been so negative about himself, which she knew happens a lot with victims. They blamed themselves, thinking of all the things they could have done to change and/or stop it. She knew Jim blamed himself because of their first conversation. She had told him then that it wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't listen. She had played the blame game herself when Sam never called her back. Even though she didn't consider herself a victim, she had blamed herself at the time. It took her a long time to see that it wasn't her fault. Jim needed time. She knew if he kept on this track, he would be fine, but she was worried that something or someone would try to stop it. _Salean, I wish I could stab you,_ she threated in her mind. Thinking of Jim's former crew and what they did, she realized they could set him back as well.

_"Maybe, you're worrying about nothing,"_ she told herself as she came across his quarters. After taking a deep breath, she pressed the comm, but there was no answer. She stared at the unit for a second, wondering if she should try again or leave him alone. _"Maybe, he isn't here." _She shook her head. If he wasn't here, where would he be? She rang the room again. "Open up, Jim," she ordered into the comm.

There was still no answer. "Time to wake up!" she yelled. It would be bad if he was still sleeping. Jim had to be at this morning meal with the Admirals, and Pike stressed the importance of it last night when she ran into him. He wanted to remind Jim last night but stopped when he realized Jim needed some time to cool off. Aurelan had wanted to tell Pike about the night's events, but she didn't want to go behind Jim's back. He had enough people doing that to him.

"Jim," she sighed in annoyance. She slammed her hand down on the comm and to her surprise the door slid open. "What the hell?" Even when Jim was inside his room, he never left the door unlocked. To prevent someone from having the ability to come right in, he never told anyone his code, including her. It really worried her that the door was unlocked. "Jim," she called, not wanting to step in. The sight before her reminded her of one of those scenes in a horror film. The type where the viewer says, 'you're an idiot for going into a dark room.'

Taking a deep breath, Aurelan took a step inside. "And I'm the idiot in this movie." She took a quick look but couldn't see anything. "It might help if I turn on the lights_,"_ she told herself.

"Lights." The lights popped on, revealing the room to her. Her heart almost skipped a beat as she noticed the broken chair and vase. Pieces of wood were spread all over the room, and shards of the glass vase were sticking out of the carpet and walls. The flowers, though Aurelan wasn't sure were flowers in the first place, were scattered everywhere.

Stepping to the flowers, she dropped down to her knees. "It's dry," she whispered, examining the spot. "This happened a while ago." Something had to have happened to make Jim snap like that. _"I have to find Jim,"_ she thought as she moved to her feet. She knew for Jim to do this something bad must have happened, and she had to make sure he was okay. She took a long look around the room, looking for some clue to what happened and where he went. Just as she was to about to leave, she spotted the white card on the floor.

_"This must have come with the flowers,"_ she thought as she picked it up. Her heart stopped as she read the card. If she remembered correctly (not that she could forget), Salean was the name of the asshat that raped Jim. "Jim," she uttered as she thought about the pain he must be going through. Who did that fucker think he was? Didn't he care that he hurt Jim and was continuing to hurt him? She sighed as she realized he didn't, because he raped him in the first place.

Though she knew Jim wouldn't like what she was about to do and not that she really cared, she needed to tell Pike. There was a big chance that Jim was in danger. "Jim, where are you?" she asked as she bolted out of the room.

* * *

Pike took a deep breath as he watched all the Federation Officials, Admirals, and Captains walk into the dining room. Jim was missing from the group which both annoyed and worried him. He had stopped by Jim's room earlier to personally get him because their midnight talk had left him worried. Not to his surprise, Jim was not in his quarters.

_Jim, _he thought. He didn't know what the young captain was going through and he wasn't going to try to guess what he was going through. He might never fully know, but he was going to do everything in his power to help him.

He put on a smile as he looked around the room. Even if he didn't like everyone in the room, he really had nothing against them. Decker, for example, had an impressive track record and was a good Captain, but it didn't mean that Pike had to like him. He didn't. It annoyed him that Kirk and Decker were good friends. Decker had bad habits that he didn't want Jim to pick up.

"Admiral Pike."

Pike glanced over to see Captain Pitts, who took the seat next to him. "Captain," he greeted. "How are you?" Turning back, he eyed Decker, who smiled at him.

"I'm well," he stated as he took a look around the room. "You know you're glaring at Captain Decker, right?" Pitts asked with a chuckle.

Shaking out of his thoughts, Pike turned to Pitts with wide eyes. "I'm not glaring," he stated, defending himself.

Pitts laughed again. "Good, because you don't need people talking."

Pike exhaled, knowing that Pitts was right. He didn't need people gossiping, and it wouldn't be fair for him to dislike a good Captain like Decker, even if he was a jokester.

"So where's Kirk?" Pitts asked as he looked around for Kirk. "I heard no one has seen him since he walked off the stage last night. Did you ever find him?"

"He found me," he said with a smile.

Pitts looked at him with a calculated stare. "So where's he now?"

Pike knew the man was fishing for something, but he wasn't sure why or what he wanted. "Something came up," he replied. Pike didn't want to tell Pitts that he had no idea of Jim's current location._ Jim, you can't be doing this,_ he thought. He knew Jim hated these things and would try everything to get out of them, but he had to stop if he wanted to keep the _Providence_. It looked bad after everything that happened right after he turned his back on Starfleet.

"I hope everything's fine with him."

"It is," Pike stated, though he wasn't sure about that.

Pitts opened his mouth say something, but he was interrupted by Admiral Komack, who suddenly stood up. His smile was as neat as his uniform. "Let's eat before we talk about business," he smiled again as he waved in the servers. When he turned to Pike, he gave him a look as if to ask him where Jim Kirk was at that moment.

Pike shrugged, knowing he would have to talk to Jim about his absence. Komack and Pike kept eye contact as the food was brought out. Breaking it first, Pike shook his head as he glanced to an empty place setting.

"What was that about?" Pitts asked, noticing Komack's and Pike's staring contest.

"Don't worry about it," Pike replied.

"I-" Again, Pitts was interrupted as a loud commotion could be heard from the other side of the door. Every head turned to the door. "What's going on out there?"

Pike didn't answer as he was trying his best to listen to the commotion. He thought he heard someone shout his name, but he could have been wrong. It was hard to tell with all the chatter from the room, and the voices of the security personnel. He was about to turn away when a woman outside raised her voice. "I need to talk to Admiral Pike!" she yelled. "It's important." He rubbed his forehead in annoyance as the whole room turned their attention to him.

"I'll handle this," Pike stated as he stood up. He became annoyed as he could feel their eyes staring at his back. Captain Pitts stood up to go with Pike, but the Admiral waved him off. "I can handle this alone," he told him as he walked to the door. The woman in the hall was shouting for him, no one else.

Admiral Pike quickly walked out of the room and took a step towards the sounds. To his surprise, it was Miss Swift, who was arguing with a red shirt he didn't know. He waved the security guy away so he could speak to her alone. He had a strong feeling he wasn't going to like what she had to say.

_Why is she here? And why is she yelling for me?_ He thought to himself. He barely knew the woman, having only spoken to her twice. He did know she arrived here with Jim but wasn't sure why he trusted her. Perhaps they were dating and even if they weren't, they did seem close.

"Miss Swift," he called. Aurelan, if recalled her name correctly, turned to him and he could see the worry on her face. It wasn't a good sign. "Why are you looking for me?" he asked, getting straight to the point. She had interrupted an important conference. "This has better be important."

She was holding something in her hand. "It is. It's about Jim." Her voice was filled with worry.

"What about Jim? Did something happen to him?" he said, starting to get very worried. He knew Jim had a knack for getting into trouble. He recalled how even back at the Academy, Jim would try anything to get out of these social events.

"I don't know."

He eyed her, completely annoyed "So you dragged me out here and you don't know if something happened?"

"Read this!" she demanded as she shoved the card into his hand.

Pike took the card and stared at her. "What's this?" he asked, looking at the note. He looked at her again before reading the note. He felt his stomach drop as he read it. "I'm going to kill Salean," he swore. The Admiral was always protective of Jim and now he felt that more than ever.

"You'll have to get in line," she angrily stated.

"Are you sure Jim saw this?" There was a chance that Jim hadn't seen the card.

"Well, his room is trashed. The flowers that came with this are all over the floor."

Pike looked at her before glancing to the door. "I need to tell Admiral Komack," he said.

"We don't have time! We have to find Jim right now! That rapist could have him," she frantically said.

"If that's the case, we're going to need all the help we can get," he stated. "Go get Selek and bring him to Jim's quarters."

She looked at him. "Why Jim's room? He isn't there. He just left it a big mess."

Pike looked at her. He was torn between wanting to half smile or say something smart but stopped himself. It wasn't the time or place for any of that. Right now he had to find Jim and kill a certain Dalenien. No, two Daleniens. "We might find something there." He still held the card in his hand and had no interest in giving it back to her. He needed it.

"Okay, but hurry," she stated as she turned around. Without a second thought, she ran down the hallway toward Selek's room.

Pike watched her for a few seconds before walking back into the room. As the door closed behind him, he felt a few eyes on him, which annoyed him. He knew there were all expecting him to walk back to his seat, but he didn't. Pike was not a stranger to embarrassing and awkward moments, but now, he felt like he was doing the walk of shame. Forcing his head forward, he walked toward Komack, who was half way finished with his plate. The Admiral stared at him sternly as he tried to figure out what was going with Pike.

Pike's mind wandered to Jim and where the hell he was hiding. For a moment he tried to convince himself that just because Jim had received a note from Salean, it did not mean the Dalenien had him. Maybe, Jim just needed to get away from the world. Jim had a habit of disappearing when things got bad, and Pike didn't blame him after everything that he had been through. He just wished Jim would come to him or someone else when he needed help.

Taking a deep breath, he continued his walk toward the back of the room. He still felt eyes on him as he arrived at the front table. He leaned down to Komack, who was eyeing him strangely. "Is everything okay with that woman, Pike?" Komack asked, quietly. Pike was a few inches away from him. "Didn't break her heart, did you?"

Pike narrowed his eyes. "No, I did not. This is about Jim. Something's wrong," he stated, rubbing the card that Aurelan had given him with his thumb.

Komack glanced at Barnett from the corner of his eyes. "And I figured that he just skipped this like the rest of us wanted to do," he said, with light smile. "So what happened?" Pike handed over the card to Komack and watched as anger set in. "Are you sure Kirk saw this?"

Pike nodded. "Yes."

Komack glanced around the room, noticing a few eyes on them. It was obvious that they knew something was going on as they watched the two Admirals whispering to each other. "It doesn't mean Salean has him." He paused. "Salean isn't even here."

"That we know of. There are a few ways that he could have sneaked in." When Pike had learned about Jim's RSVP which had arrived less than a day before the event (Leave it to Jim to RSVP at the last minute), he bumped up security and put in stricter flight regulations into the Deon System in the hope of keeping Salean out, but he realized it would be very difficult. The Dalenien was smart and there was no doubt he would try as this would be his best chance to get to Jim. "We have to find him."

"You care about that boy."

"I wouldn't refer to him as a boy," Pike responded, not denying anything.

Komack stood up, drawing even more attention to them. It was a clear sign that something was going on. "Alright," he stated with the card still in his hands. He put a smile on his face as he looked out to the crowd. "There's something I have to attend to. Please, enjoy the rest of the breakfast." He stepped out from the table and waved Pike to follow him.

* * *

Selek had just finished his mediation, when Sarek entered his quarters to speak with him. Selek wasn't too sure why his father had wanted to speak to him, because even after a year, their relationship was strained at best. Yes, they worked well together on a professional level, but there were still the awkward moment when their work was finished. Sarek knew who Selek was and he knew Amanda lived in his timeline.

"Ambassador Sarek," he greeted.

"There is no need to be formal," Sarek stated.

"Is this is about Project Omega?" Selek asked, unsure if there was anything else they could talk about. What could they talk about that did not require formality?

Sarek stood still next to the door with his hands behind his back like he always did. Selek did not know if Sarek had another stance. "No, Spock. It is not."

The answer had taken the breath from Selek. Living in this time, he had become so used to not being called by his given name, and he did not realize that he missed it until someone addressed him as Spock. "What do you wish to speak about?" he asked, looking at Sarek. He was starting to look human, which was worrisome.

He took a deep breath. "I am-" Sarek was unable to finish his sentence when there was an abrupt banging at Selek's door. "Doctor McCoy again? He does have an act of interrupting in the most barbaric way."

Selek's eye brow rose. "You did not call James barbaric when he was banging at your door."

Sarek shifted. "I have a fondness for James." Selek did not expect that of his father, who always a difficult time admitting anything. "He reminds me much of Amanda."

Selek knew for Sarek to say that, Jim was truly a special person. Sarek didn't say that about anyone.

"You should answer that as I do not think he is going away," Sarek said, as he turned to stare at the door. There was still banging at the door. "We can talk about it later."

"That would be logical," Selek answered, knowing that McCoy would not leave until he wanted to leave. And he did not want to force the good Doctor to leave just to speak with his father. Selek crossed the room and opened the door. To his surprise it was Aurelan. "Miss Swift," he greeted. He had been curious to find out about her relationship with Jim, but his curiosity was cut by the worry on her face.

"Ambassador Selek, I…" She drifted off as she saw Sarek.

Noticing her silence, Sarek walked pass them both. "We will speak later, Selek." He disappeared down the hallway, leaving them alone.

"How may I help you?" Selek asked.

"Jim is missing."

Recently that fact wasn't out of the norm for the young captain. Jim had started to disappear when he became stressed or overwhelmed, which had worried Selek. It was not a healthy habit to run away from those emotions. "I am sure Jim will return, Miss Swift. This is not the first time he has done this."

Aurelan looked at him. "This is different," she countered. "He received a note from Salean. He threatened to come after him."

Selek was very good at controlling his emotions for the most part but hearing about the note almost made his control slip. This whole situation had tested his control, and there were times that he had been close to losing it. "Jim has seen the note?" he asked, his voice was soft.

Salean, who had been trying to contact Jim for months, had sent countless notes, flowers, videos, and gifts to Jim; however, none had made it through thanks to the security checks. Nothing can travel through space without being checked.

"Judging from his room, yes." She took a deep breath. "Do you think Salean has him?"

Selek was never good with emotional troubles of others. He had no idea of what to say to her and didn't want to try. "Anything is possible," he stated. He knew Seleen would do anything to please his son and would gladly help him kidnap Jim. It was why it worried him when Seleen learned of Jim's presence. "We must alert Admiral Pike to this."

Aurelan gave him a weak smile. "Admiral Pike sent me to get you and bring you to Jim's quarters." She closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to clear the image of the trashed room from her mind.

"We should not keep him waiting," Selek stated, worried for Jim. It seemed it was Jim's life mission to make him die of worry, and now it looked like he was going to succeed in doing that. There was a part of him that wondered if Jim enjoyed seeing him like this. It didn't matter the timeline, as in each, he would take unnecessary risks. He wondered if that made his counter-part as annoyed as it did to him. He imagined it was worse for young Spock as he and Jim had a relationship. The urge to protect Jim would have been greater than his own.

* * *

Pike and Komack had made it to Jim's quarters in a short amount of time. Not waiting for Selek and Aurelan, they entered the room and took a look around. Pike noticed the now dead flowers on the ground. "Those flowers are only grown on Dalenius," he stated as he picked up one of the ugly blooms. He took a closer look to study it.

"How would you know that?" Komack asked, looking around the room. He was looking for any sign of a struggle, but he wasn't sure if Jim did the damage out of anger or if it was the result of a fight. He knew the young man would not be able to put much of a fight against a Dalenian. He had no doubt of Kirk's fighting ability, but there wasn't much of a chance he could handle one with his fists alone. Dalenians were known for their super strength.

Turning to Komack, Pike pointed the flower toward him. "Because this isn't the first time Salean had sent these flowers to Jim." He paused. "Although this is the first time they had reached him." He exhaled. "Salean is resourceful." This was another reason why Pike wanted Jim back with Starfleet, as it would be easier for him to keep Jim safe. There was no telling what Salean would do to get to Jim.

"I wasn't aware of that." he stated turning back to Pike, who had started to pick at the flower. He had known of Salean's nonstop attempts and countless petitions to see Jim, but he wasn't aware of the flowers.

"Jim wasn't aware of it as well." Pike took a deep breath. If Jim had known, it wouldn't have been pretty. He had already been worrying about Jim's mental state, and he didn't think Jim could take the terrible stress of knowing.

"Why wasn't I made aware of that?" Komack asked. It was cleared he was irritated.

Pike knew it was stupid not to tell Komack, but at the time he didn't consider it something that the man needed to know as he had other things to worry about. After everything that happened, he wanted to personally handle Jim's security. Jim needed proof that someone cared about him. "I didn't believe you needed to know at the time."

"I want to know everything that involves that man, even if you don't think it's important." He gave Pike a long look. "And those obnoxious flowers. Do you know what they mean?" He knew the flowers on Earth had a different meaning.

Pike took a deep breath. "Understood." He looked down at the flower. "I guess you would compare them to roses, though I would prefer roses over them. Roses are pretty at least." He stared the flowers. "I guess what makes them special is the rarity of the flower. These are only found on Dalenius in certain places." He remembered some of the Dalenian officials telling him this, and they also explained that it was considered a great honor to receive them. "For Salaen to send them to Kirk, it means..." He didn't want to finish the sentence.

Komack didn't need him to finish his sentence as he understood exactly what Pike meant. "He has to be dealt with."

"It could already be too late." There was no telling that Salaen would be willing to do. He had already shown that Jim meant a lot to him, even if it was in a twisted way, and he wasn't going to give him up.

"We do not know that."

"I-"Pike started but he was silenced by the door opening. Selek and Aurelan entered the room.

"Ambassador Selek," Komack greeted. "I wish these were better circumstances. This should have been a joyful meeting." He had not given the card back to Pike.

"So do I, Admiral Komack," Selek responded back. "What do you know?" He looked between Pike and Komack. It only took a few minutes to explain everything that they knew, which wasn't much.

"Have you tried scanning the station for him?" Selek asked.

Feeling like an idiot, Pike shook his head as he hadn't even thought of doing that. "I will need access to the station security system and that'll take some time." Though this was a Federation event, the Deon Council was in control of the space dock.

Aurelan crossed to the computer in the room and turned it on. They watched her as she did so, and didn't say a word until she rotated in the chair. "That will only take a few seconds."

"What did you do?" Komack asked, eyeing her.

"I hacked into the mainframe and started a scan. It will only take a few seconds to locate Jim," she explained.

"Fascinating," Selek uttered.

"Did you just admit to a crime in front of two Starfleet Admirals and an Ambassador?" Pike asked. Though he frowned at her law breaking, he was quite impressed at her hacking skills.

She glanced at each of them. "Are you going to throw me in the brig, Admiral Pike?" she asked. There was a hint of annoyance in her voice. "We need to find Jim before someone else here does. I heard Salean's father is here."

"Seleen has already spoken to Jim," Selek stated, briefly explaining the run in. "I have no doubt he will try to speak to Jim again before this event it over."

Pike was growing angrier by the minute. What was it with that family and thinking they could do anything that they wanted? Trying to calm himself, he took a deep breath. The conversation that he had with Jim was starting to make more sense.

Komack rubbed his forehead. "So it is quite possible that Salean has help from his Seleen." He glanced back to the computer, which was still scanning. "Do we have any proof of that?"

Pike glanced toward the flowers. "Kirk didn't get the flowers until after Seleen had seen him."

Selek was standing with his hands behind his back as he stared off. "It does not mean he is helping his son. The news that Jim is getting a ship would have spread and he could have learned it on his own."

"That doesn't mean he isn't," Aurelan stated, drawing the attention to her. They had almost forgotten that she was there.

"We know," Pike stated. "But we simply cannot break the law just because we want to." He glanced back to the computer. He couldn't be mad at her because she was doing something that he wanted to do. He wanted to toss the regulations out the window and beat Salean and Seleen to death, but he couldn't. He didn't want to turn into a monster like them.

"We can't stand here and do nothing," she protested.

"We are doing something," Selek responded.

Komack handed the card back to Pike and crossed to the computer next to Aurelan, staring intensely at it. His presence made her uncomfortable, but he didn't care. "It appears that the scan is completed."

"What does it say?" Pike asked. His heart was beating fast.

Aurelan turned back to the monitor and her mouth dropped. "It's unable to locate Jim."

Pike took a deep breath. "That isn't good. Not good at all."

"Don't think so negatively, Chris. He could have gone planetside," Komack stated, not really liking that idea. There were so many dangers on the planet, and it would be easier for Salean or Seleen to take him. He looked towards the dead flowers on the floor. "Isn't it a crime to let those flowers die?" he asked.

"It is," Selek answered, staring at the flowers on the floor. After a few seconds, he turned away. "Maybe there was an error," Selek replied, walking over to the monitor. "These programs can error at times."

Aurelan glared. "There's nothing wrong with my program," she snapped as she moved out of the way for the Vulcan. "Why don't you look at it, Ambassador Selek?" she added.

"Easy," Pike warned.

Aurelan looked at him and sighed. "Sorry," she muttered.

Selek turned slightly to her and nodded. "It is fine," he stated as he typed away. "It is a common misconception."

Komack almost laughed as he looked between the two. Vulcans had a special way of insulting a person without really insulting someone. "Are you able to locate Kirk?" he asked the Ambassador. From the corner of his eyes, he could see that Miss Swift was still annoyed.

Selek rotated in the chair and faced both of the Admirals. "It seems that Miss Swift is correct. Jim is not located on the dock. I could start a scan of the planet if you like."

"See! There's nothing wrong with my program," Aurelan stated, defending her program.

"I said I could not locate Jim and not that your program is correct," Selek responded. Aurelan glared again, but she didn't say anything.

Pike glanced toward Komack, who shook his head. "I can look past the illegal scan of the space dock, but I cannot look pass the illegal scan of a planet. They would detect that," Komack answered. "We'll have to go the old fashion way."

"A planet wide search?" Aurelan asked, confused. "We won't find him that way. The planet is too big for that."

Komack shook his head. "No, we must speak with Seleen. He might know something."

Pike exhaled before speaking, "And I can give him a piece of my mind for trying to speak with Jim. He knows he has been ordered to stay away from Jim."

Aurelan looked between. "Is there something I can do in the mean time?" she asked.

Komack had turned away from her. Pike spoke, "Nothing at the moment. I will let you know if we learn something." She knew that meant there was there was nothing she could do to assist.

* * *

McCoy had just woken up. Usually he had no problems, but today, he had no interest in getting out of bed. He just wanted to lie in his bed and rot. However, there were places he needed to be and people he needed to see. The whole event was just an annoying headache, but he had no other choice.

Pushing himself out bed, he crossed to the dresser. After he had gotten dressed, he left his quarters in the search of Captain Pitts, who had requested to see him. He knew Pitts was in a breakfast meeting of some kind, but it was scheduled to be over in a few minutes. He would rather be early than late. He didn't want to invite an earful from that guy. He didn't know if it was Pitts or that fact he wanted nothing more than to speak with Jim, but he really couldn't stand Pitts' voice at the moment.

He was half tempted to avoid meeting with Pitts and go Jim hunting or even Spock hunting, but that would not end well. Pitts would have his head, which he thought he deserved. He deserved every punishment known to man for the horrible things he did to Jim. _"You don't deserve pity,"_ he told himself. _"So just stop it."_ He knew feeling guilty wasn't a good enough punishment. He needed to stop feeling guilty and do something. Actions spoke louder than words.

McCoy took a deep breath as he walked. He could hear many voices talking but didn't recognize anyone of them to his disappointment. He was hoping he knew one of the voices so he would be spared from his thoughts. Shaking his head, he reached into his pants pockets and pulled out a folded picture. It was an old photo from his cadet days with Jim. _"Those were the easy days,"_ he told himself as he stared at the pic.

Both he and Jim were wearing their red cadet uniforms and had huge smiles on their faces. Their hair and uniforms, which was not buttoned correctly, were a mess, but they didn't care. When the picture had been taken, they were drunk out of their minds and had no idea which way was up. They had just come from a party that to this day McCoy had no idea of who had thrown it. Jim had dragged him there and filled him up with so many drinks that he had lost track. Somehow Jim was still able to talk unlike himself who so drunk he couldn't say a word.

_"I miss those days,"_ McCoy told himself. He didn't have a worry in the world, and he had his best friend. Now, he was too afraid to trust his judgment and he had lost his best friend. _"_I'm an idiot." Ever since he had turned his back on his friend, he hadn't been able to smile and lost a piece of himself that he would never get back.

Shaking his head, he pocketed the picture, and made his way to Pitts' quarters. As he was distracted, he wasn't paying any attention to where he was going. He had some near misses and had a few people yell at him but he didn't notice as he was still trapped in his mind. It wasn't until he collided with someone that he realized that his mind was drifting. "Sorry," McCoy muttered as he looked up. He vaguely recognized the Dalenien, but he couldn't remember from where.

"You should watch where you are going. Though I guess, I should not expect more from a Starfleet officer," the Dalenien stated as he strengthen out his robes.

Knowing he should just let it go, he couldn't. He was proud to be in Starfleet even if he complained about it all the time. "Excuse me?" he asked, hoping the Dalenien would give him a name to call him when he yelled at him.

The Dalenien took a long look at him. "Starfleet and the Federation are simple minded fools, who do not understand the universe does not rotate around them."

The Dalenien's arms were folded behind his back, which reminded McCoy of a certain Vulcan; however, Spock had more sense than this one. "You're at a Federation event," McCoy stated, trying to point out that he was an idiot. As the alien turned, McCoy noticed the symbol on this shirt. "Dalenien," he stated, becoming angry. Though he doubted this was the one who raped his best friend…ex-best friend, he was a part of the world that did. He didn't know about anything about the rape and that killed him. He didn't know what Jim went through.

"My name is Seleen and I am a member of Dalenius' high council," he stated proudly. There was a smile on his face that creeped McCoy out.

The name was familiar to him, but his mind was too clouded to think straight. "Why are you here if you don't believe in what the Federation is doing?" he asked.

Seleen glared at him. "I do not need to explain myself to a lowly Starfleet officer."

"Lowly Starfleet Officer?" McCoy was ready to snap. "I'm the Chief Medical Officer on the Enterprise. I am not lowly." He raised his eyebrow as he noticed Seleen looking at him oddly. "Did I say some interesting?" he asked, not believing the Dalenien found anything that he said to be interesting.

"I find it fascinating that you, with your lack of manners, are serving on the Enterprise under James Kirk."

McCoy narrowed his ears. "Lack of manners?" He took a deep breath to calm himself. "And Jim is not the Captain of the Enterprise anymore." He didn't like how he stated Jim's name.

Seleen stared at him. "I suppose he is not, but he was and still is a good Captain. James is a proper man unlike you."

McCoy was not pleased with how he was talking about Jim. It didn't feel right. "I don't have to stay here and listen to you."

"And I do not want to waste my time speaking with you. I have to find my son," he said as he looked McCoy over again.

McCoy didn't say anything as Seleen disappeared down the hall to his joy. The Dalenien was insane, and he knew he should probably tell someone about him. He grumbled as he realized it wouldn't be good if he campaigned against the Federation.

The Doctor slowly made his way to Captain Pitts' room as he thought about the asshole Seleen. When the Enterprise was in orbit around Dalenius, he had been stuck on the ship the whole time and hadn't met a Dalenien in person. When Jim went planetside, both he and Spock were left on the ship against their advice as the Captain met with the officials. Knowing what he knew now, they were correct because when Jim came back, everything went to hell. _"How could I have been so stupid?" _he asked himself as he flashed back the day. He hated that memory.

_When he heard Jim was coming back to the ship, he almost ran to the transporter room, because Jim gave him a heart attack whenever he went planetside. That man didn't know how not to get hurt. He had lost count how many times Jim was injured on a mission, and it annoyed him that Jim was so careless about his life. He had a whole damn ship counting on him. He couldn't be this damn selfish, not that Jim saw it as selfish. _

_As McCoy arrived at the transporter room, he noticed Scotty and a few other red shirts leaving. "Jim must have arrived already," he thought to himself. Granted, he might have missed Jim because the Captain was usually the first one to leave a room. _

_The last person to leave the room was the Admiral, who sent him a smile. "Captain Kirk's still in there but he asked to be left alone." _

_"Why?" McCoy asked. Jim only asked to be left alone when something was wrong and he knew something happened. The officers that went down with Jim had come back a few days ago, saying they were ordered back to the ship and they weren't given a reason why. Knowing something had to have happened, he and Spock were going to beam down, but Jim ordered them to stay on the ship. McCoy wasn't going to listen but the Admiral stated it was vital they stay onboard, giving the reason that the talks had become tense between them and the Daleniens. No one would tell them what had caused that._

_The Admiral took a deep breath. "That's a question better left for Jim to answer."_

_When he said Jim's name, an alert went off in his head. The Admiral didn't call Jim anything but Captain Kirk. "Okay," he said as he nodded. He could feel the Admiral's eyes on his back as he entered the transporter room. "Jim," he called looking around the room. He didn't notice Jim until Jim answered back._

_"Bones," he replied, softly. He was sitting in the corner of the room behind the control panel. _

_McCoy could feel in his bones that something wasn't right. Something was very wrong as Jim didn't sit this quietly._

Closing his eyes, McCoy took a deep breath as he tried to shake that memory. He was right that day; something was very wrong. He now knew what it was and it broke him that he didn't notice it back then. Jim had showed all the signs but he looked right passed them as his anger had taken control. _"Jim, I am so sorry," _he told himself.

_He had gotten down on his knees so he could look Jim in the eyes. "Tell me what happened?" He looked around the room. "Where's Spock?" He asked himself. There was no way Spock would leave him like this, even if he was an emotionless pointy ear bastard. He still did not understand how those two got together. _

_"Nothing happened, Bones." He turned away from his best friend._

_Though he hated that nickname, Jim had a special way of saying it, which made his heart melt a little. Granted, if anyone else would to say it, he would hypo them to death. "Bull shit," he said. "I know you."_

_Closing his eyes, Jim pushed himself up and took a few steps away from McCoy. "I don't want to talk about, Bones."_

_Again, his tone worried him. "Why isn't Spock here?" he asked as he eyed him._ _"Wait? What's that?" he asked himself as he noticed some strange coloring on his arm._

_Jim turned toward him. "I ordered him to stay on the Bridge. It's where he's needed."_

_It was clear he was trying to dodge his questions. "What happened? Did the Dalenians attack you?" As he eyed his best friend, he noticed a few other bruises on him. _

_Shaking his head, he walked into the transporter as if waiting to be beamed down. "They did not attack us."_

_"Tell me what happen then?" McCoy asked annoyed. _

_"Don't worry about it, Bones," Jim stated. His back was facing him._

_"Don't worry about it? Don't worry about it?" he repeated, showing his annoyance. "You're my best friend. I'm going to worry about you." Something happened and it was clear that Jim didn't want Spock to know about it. "No, Jim you didn't,"_ _he thought to himself. He had seen bruises like that before on Jim; on the nights before he got with Spock, Jim came to him bruised from his wild nights. "You slept with someone down there, didn't you?" he asked, pissed. "You messed with some Councilmember kid, didn't you? Are you stupid? What about Spock? What about our assignment? Don't you care about anyone besides yourself?" He took a breath. "I'm sick of cleaning your messes."_

McCoy shook his head as he was pissed with himself. How could he be so stupid? How could he not see his best friend was hurting? He was the stupid one that day and he wished he could take everything he said back. He took a deep breath as he tried to clear his mind. His mind couldn't be distracted when he was speaking with Captain Pitts as that man could eat him alive…not that he didn't deserve it.

However, he couldn't get Jim's face out of his mind, but at that moment, he couldn't give a fuck. He thought Jim didn't care about anyone but himself and he was sick of cleaning up after Jim's messes.

_Jim turned with wide eyes and stared at him. He was breathing heavy. "Fuck you, Doctor McCoy," Jim stated, switching to a formal tone. Though Jim was pissed, his tone gave his shakiness away. "I never asked you to fix my messes. I can fix my own problems," he yelled, as he pulled down on this sleeves. "I don't need you or anyone."_

_"You couldn't tie your shoes let alone command a ship without help. You're a child," McCoy snapped. "Did you think what this would do to Spock? I don't like the asshole, but he doesn't deserve this."_

_Jim took a few steps toward him. "You should remember who the hell you're speaking to Doctor McCoy. I'm the Captain of this ship."_

_Though Jim was angry at him, he could read the fear in his eyes. Jim was scared and that alerted McCoy but he was too irritated to care. "I don't think you deserve that title." The second he said that was the second McCoy had regarded it, but he wasn't going to take it back. _

_A pissed off Captain stormed into McCoy's face. "I think you better watch your tone, McCoy, or you might end up in the brig." His hands were shaking at his side. _

McCoy had to stop and gasped, because it was getting hard to breathe. Knowing what he knew now, he felt sick to his stomach. He had seen that Jim was in pain and he did nothing. Instead, he attacked his friend.

_"Abusing your power?" McCoy snapped._

_Jim grabbed him by the collar and slammed him against the wall without much effort. Jim could usually take McCoy in a fight. "You have some nerve," he hissed. "I run this ship as a captain should, not how you want. I think you forget that you're a doctor. You didn't go through what I just went through down there for this ship, so shut your fucking mouth, or help me God; I will throw you in the brig and never let you out." He shoved McCoy away and walked back to the transporter pad._

_"You think cheating on your First Officer is a part of the job? You're insane," he stated as he turned to the door. _

_"You don't know what you are talking about," Jim stated softly._

_McCoy wasn't expecting such a soft weak tone from him, and he glanced at Jim. He thought he was seeing things when he saw a tear ran down Jim's face. _If he thinks he can fool me with that, he's stupider than I thought, _he thought. "Don't expect me to clean your messes anymore, Captain."_

_"Trust me, I wouldn't call you even if you were the last person in the universe," Jim shoot back. _

_"Maybe, you won't need me," McCoy replied. "But don't come crying to me when Spock dumps your ass."_

_"Going to tell him, tattletale?" Jim asked._

_Again, McCoy could hear the fear in his voice, and that pissed him off. If he didn't want Spock to leave, then he shouldn't have cheated on him. "I don't need to tell him. That robot will find out on his own."_

Closing his eyes, McCoy took a deep breath. It did no good for him to be stuck in the past, thinking of all the ways he had been wrong. He needed to fix things now. Shaking his head, he got back on his way.

As he turned a corner, he saw Admiral Pike and Admiral Komack coming down the hallway. It worried him that they looked they were in a hurry. "Is there something going on?" he asked as he reached them. The look in Pike's eyes scared the shit out of him.

"Have you seen Captain Kirk?" Admiral Komack asked as he glanced over the doctor.

"No, I haven't. Why?" McCoy was very worried. "Is he missing?"

Pike took a deep breath. "We don't know if he's missing, but there's something important we need to speak to him about."

McCoy knew something was going on, but he knew they wouldn't tell him. If the stink eye that Pike was giving him was any clue, Jim must have told the older man everything including what happened during his last days on the Enterprise. "No, I haven't seen him."

"I thought you two were close?" Komack stated, "I hardly ever saw you two apart while you both were in the Academy."

It was clear Komack wasn't aware about how he had acted during Jim's last days on the _Enterprise_, which was a blessing. He didn't know what he would do if everyone knew he was a shitty friend.

Pike turned to Komack and gave him a look. "Kirk told him nothing, not that I blame him." Komack turned to Pike and gave him a questioning look, which McCoy didn't like. He knew it would be stupid to say something.

"Let's just find Seleen," Komack said.

Seleen's name brought up irritation. "Why do you want to find him? He's an asshole," McCoy stated. "You know that he isn't a fan of the Federation? I believe he called us simple minded fools."

Pike rubbed his temple. "Where did you see him?" he asked. It was clear he was annoyed but he made no mention of it.

McCoy glanced down the hallway. "Down one of these corridors," he stated. "He said something about looking for his son, who's probably just as big of an ass as him."

"His son?" Pike asked. "Did he say Salean?"

"I don't know. He didn't mention a name." McCoy didn't know who this son was, but he didn't like the expression on the Admiral's face. Something was very off. "Someone tell me something. I'm a doctor, not a psychic."

Komack glanced at Pike. "Seleen only has one son, doesn't he?"

Pike ran his hair through his hair. "Yes, I think. FUCK," he cursed.

"Who is this Salean?" McCoy asked. It wasn't a good sign when two Admirals were worried.

Komack immediately issued an order. "Pike, go alert security and have them search for Seleen and his _beloved son_. We need to find this son of a bitch before he finds Kirk, if it isn't already too late."

McCoy's heart started to pound as he came to a sickling realization. "Salean is the bastard that raped Jim, isn't he?"

Pike, who had turned to leave, looked back toward McCoy. "Yes," he answered.

Komack looked between the two. "I thought you didn't know."

"I found out on my own," McCoy answered, not wanting to get anyone in trouble. He wasn't sure if Selek was sworn to secretly or something. "Besides, we have other things to worry about. We have to find Jim," he stated. Jim's name on his tongue felt weird as if he had no right to say it.

"Pike, get going. I'm going to take Doctor McCoy with me," Komack stated, starting at the doctor. Pike nodded before disappearing down the hallway, leaving Komack and McCoy alone. "Let's talk to Deon Council."

* * *

Hey all! I hoped you enjoyed this. :)


	16. Memories of the Broken

Hola! New Chapter time. Same thing as always, I do not own Star Trek

:) Thanks to MoonstarWorld for looking over this for me.

And someone once asked in a review who was top and who was the bottom in their relationship. To be honest, I hadn't really thought about. Haha. Whatever, I decided, it probably won't be awhile before you find out. :)

I did intend to put more Memories in here, but this chapter would be way too long at that point. But don't worry, you will still see those memories down the road. :)

* * *

Chapter 16:

Memories of the Broken

* * *

Jim was on the edge of unconsciousness and fighting to stay awake. He knew if allowed himself to fall asleep, he might not wake up. In the back of his mind, he wasn't sure if he could win this fight. His head felt like it was on fire, and the pain was almost too much to bear. Jim couldn't think straight or even open his eyes as he was experiencing flashes of pain nearly every ten seconds. He tried to take deep breaths between the waves of pain, only to have pain shoot through his side each time he did. He knew his ribs were broken from the beating he had gone through.

He wanted to curl up in a ball and ride the pain out, but he couldn't move. His feet barely touched the ground so all he could do was hang in that spot. The only good thing about his pain was that it nearly distracted him from the overwhelming heat. It was so warm that he felt like he was going to puke, but there was nothing in his stomach to throw up. His only comfort was the cold sticky liquid that was running down his face, which was probably blood. If he had been thinking clearly, he might have been worried about his head injury. However, in his current state, he wasn't able to feel that emotion.

At that moment, a flash of pain flew though him, and he unconsciously yanked on his hands. His arms refused to budge. His wrists were raw and started to bleed at the sudden movement. If he could have yelled out in pain, he'd be screaming, but for now, he could only moan.

His numb hands were bound high above his head in a painful backward angle. If the coldness and stiffness of the bindings were a clue, his shackles were made of a metal chain that wouldn't break even if he had Vulcan strength. He let out a groan as he rode out the pain. It was the pain that kept him somewhat conscious. He wanted to stay awake, but as the pain increased he began to regret that desire.

His head bobbed as he tried to open his eyes, only managing to keep them open for a second. As his body was failing him, his mind, which wasn't functioning at 100% to begin with, followed. It was silently crying for sleep. His head started to throb worse than before, and he let out another excruciating moan.

He tried to pick up his head again when something, most likely a door, made a loud screech. It startled him, causing his head to fall. His face twisted in pain. Jim did his best to ignore it as he heard someone moving in the room. Listening hard, he could tell there were two sets of feet, but he couldn't process what that meant. They were talking, but Jim couldn't figure out what they were saying as more pain ran through his body. His vision was hazy, only allowing him to see fuzzy shapes. Jim flinched as one of the beings grabbed his head, forced it up, and shined a bright light in his face.

Unable to fight the alien (he could tell from the cold, fat, slimy hands), his head was forced to the side, revealing his neck. Jim let out a moaning curse as the alien hypoed him with something. He would have cursed at the alien but he became grateful as the pain started to slowly go away. He still couldn't move but his mental functions were coming back.

"This human needs a hospital. There is only so much I can do here," the alien who hypoed him said. His cold disgusting hands were still gripping Jim's face.

The other alien walked closer. "I am sure you are aware I cannot do that. If I was able to do that, I would not have called you in the first place," he sneered. His voice was familiar, but Jim couldn't figure out why, only that his body trembled at the sound of it. "You are a doctor. Fix him."

The Doctor let go of Jim's face, which fall hard without anyone to hold it up. Jim still did not have any strength. "That may be the case, but my area of expertise is not in human biology. I do not want to give him anything that can kill him. I assume you want him alive." His voice wasn't soft.

"I do."

"Then find another doctor," he hissed.

Jim shifted in pain, and it was noticed by both of them. This time however, the Doctor didn't give him another hypo, and the other one didn't move.

The other alien took a few steps toward them. "If there had been another, I would not have chosen you. Fix him or I shall not pay you. He needs to be healthy enough for the trip home."

The Doctor took a deep breath as he stepped away from Jim. There was a loud thud as something was dropped. Jim could hear him rummaging through something that he guessed was a bag. "Not enough. He is injured more than you led me to believe."

"I can pay you more."

"I do not think you can pay me enough," the Doctor stated. "I know who he is. Helping you to kidnap James Kirk will put me on their radar. I do not want to make an enemy of the Federation, especially not now."

Jim flinched as his face was grabbed again. He could tell the rough hands didn't belong to the Doctor. "Fix him," the mad alien stated as he ran his thumb across Jim's lips, making him feel nauseated.

"His current state is your fault. Your man should have been more careful with how he treated your beloved human."

Jim would have fought and argued with him if he had the strength, as he did not belong to anyone. That was the one thing he wouldn't give up, even if his life was on the line. He wanted to protest but his body didn't respond to his brain. Instead, it just shook in pain.

"My man has been dealt with in the most painful of ways, and he has learned never to hurt my James again." The alien noticed Jim's pain and brought his lips to Jim's ear, which made him flinch. "It's okay. Everything will be okay," he stated, softly. He ran his hand through Jim's messy dirty blond hair. "I will have to give you a bath when we get home." Jim moaned again. "Fix him," he sneered again at the sound of Jim's pain.

However, the Doctor did not move. "Pay me more and pay me now."

"Okay." The hand let go and released Jim, causing his head to drop. "I will pay you half now and the other half later, but you will fix my James."

Again, Jim did not like to be referred to as belonging to anyone, alien or otherwise, even if he still couldn't identify the stranger. Yes, there was something familiar about the voice, but he couldn't for the life of him remember where he had heard it.

"Very well, but if Starfleet comes looking for the Captain, I will not take the fall for you," the Doctor stated.

"By the time the Federation realizes that he is missing, we will be far away," the alien answered as he stepped away.

Before Jim could realize what was happening, his head was forced to the side to reveal his neck again. "S-stop," he moaned. His throat hurt and at first he didn't realize that he had spoken any words.

The Doctor froze and it seemed he was unsure if he wanted to continue. "Just do it Doctor," the angry alien ordered.

"Okay," the Doctor responded just before stabbing Jim again in the neck. It didn't take long for Jim to pass out, yet in that one second before he lost consciousness, he could only feel terror.

* * *

"Kirk to Scotty!" Jim yelled into his communicator, which didn't seem to be working. He had been running for a while now as he tried to put some distance between himself and the natives, who were trying to kill him for some odd reason. This seemed like a common thing for Jim, who was always running from something or another. It was really annoying.

Jim knew they would soon overtake him as they had more stamina and could keep up running longer than he could. "Kirk to Scotty! Beam me up! Can you hear me?" he asked again. Again, there was no answer. "FUCK," he yelled as he turned back to look. The natives were catching up with him.

Shaking his head, Jim forced himself forward as he zigzagged to dodge the weapons that were being thrown at him. "Where is Spock when you need him?" he muttered, breathing heavy. It was getting harder and harder to up with his pace. "Kirk to Spock!" he yelled, putting his communicator to his lips. There was still no answer. "Is anyone there? Can someone beam me up?" Jim was getting exasperated.

Spock, himself, plus a few science officers, had beamed down to study an unexplored planet's water supply as it had some strange healing properties. It was going well before the natives attacked, which was surprising as their scans hadn't pick up any life-forms other than plants, trees, and a few small animals. As they were outnumbered, the officers of the Enterprise had decided it was best to run than fight. Early in the chase, Jim was separated from the rest of them, which may have been on purpose. He had noticed that they were more interested in him than the rest of the crew for some weird reason. Making the logical choice (not that Spock would agree), Jim took off in the opposite direction.

Now he was really regretting it. Five minutes in, he had fallen straight on his face and dropped his communicator. It hadn't been working since, and without it, he knew his chances would be small for the Enterprise to find him. "Idiot," he muttered. He really needed to find a way to superglue the communicator to his uniform. "Kirk to Enterprise," he tried again. "Someone, please answer."

Jim looked back and regretted that as well, because the second he turned his head, a spear flew by his face. Even though it barely touched him, it sliced a long cut into his cheek. The force of the spear sent him rolling down the hill out of control. During the tumble, he reached for anything to grab onto, and after thirty feet, Jim was able to stop himself just before he was about to go over the cliff by grabbing onto a purple tree root.

"Fuck," he moaned in pain.

Still feeling a bit dizzy and wobbly, it took him a few tries to get up, but just as he got to his feet, he was violently tackled back to the ground. One of the aliens that had been chasing him had finally caught up to him and with its own strength, had pinned him to the ground without any effort. Instead of punching him like Jim was expecting, the alien was staring him straight in the eyes. Every time Jim tried to look away, the alien forced his head back.

"I know I'm pretty but this is ridiculous," Jim said.

The alien muttered something back at him in a language that Jim couldn't even begin to understand; however, he knew the alien was angry by its tone. Jim also knew the alien was angry by the fact that it had raised up one of its arms above its head, readying itself to strike him. Jim closed his eyes waiting for the blow, but it never came. He waited a second before opening his eyes, and to his joy, he saw Spock, who had the alien pinned against what looked like a purple tree.

"Spock. It's you," he stated with a smile.

His First Officer turned to face Jim after he had knocked the alien out. "Clearly." There was a pause. "I would not leave my commanding officer."

It took Jim a few attempts to get to his feet. "How are my officers?" he asked. He had to make sure they were alright before anything else. They were his top priority.

Spock looked him over. "You are hurt."

Jim exhaled in annoyance. _Leave it to him to point out the obvious, _he thought. "Aren't you supposed to ask me if I'm hurt and not tell me I'm hurt?" he teased. "And how are my science officers?" He limped over to Spock before dropping to his knees to look over the alien, who looked peaceful when unconsciousness.

"If I were to ask you, Captain, you would have denied it, therefore it would have been illogical to have asked. In addition it is clearly visible that you are hurt," he stated as he flipped open his communicator. "The crew is safe on board the Enterprise."

He turned to Spock only to receive the famous Vulcan glare. At first Jim thought the look was funny, now it was annoying as hell to get all the time. It seemed that Spock only reserved that look for him. "I'm fine."

"Fine is not acceptable," he stated, before speaking into the communicator. "Spock to Enterprise." There was a pause. "Two to beam up. I have found the Captain."

(O)O(O)

"I'm fine," Jim stated as McCoy checked him over. "You guys, worry too much." He tried to wave off his best friend, but McCoy just glared at him. "C'mon, Bones."

"Don't c'mon me, Jim," McCoy stated as he turned away from him. "You had us all scared with that stunt you pulled. Why on the earth would you go running off by yourself? It took us hours to find you." With his back to Jim, he checked his medical equipment as he spoke.

"I thought it was for the best," Jim stated as he hopped to his feet. He did feel bad for worrying Bones, but he had to do what he had to do. "I will always put my crew before myself."

McCoy took a deep breath as he turned back to face his friend. "I know, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Because I don't."

Jim smiled. "Oh I know." As he walked by the doctor, he grasped Bones on the shoulder. "You tell me every day." He was surprised that Bones had let him off so easy. He expected a lecture or rather a big lecture. "Is that all, Dad?" he teased. Though McCoy's nagging could get annoying at times, he never wanted to go without it.

"From me, yes, but from Commander Spock, no." There was a smile on McCoy's face that Jim didn't like. It was evil and when he was evil, Jim knew it was best to hide. "He seems mad, well for a Vulcan anyways."

"No, really?" Jim moaned. He knew he had gotten off too easy on the planet. "He knows me. He knows this is what I do!" He rubbed his temples as he tried to think. He had tried hiding from Spock, but the Vulcan could find him anywhere. It was as if he was trying to annoy Jim though he wouldn't put it pass Spock to do that. "Does he have more important things to worry about? Like his girlfriend? I think Uhura is going to get jealous if Spock keeps following me."

Bones stared at him without saying anything.

"What is with that face?" Jim asked as he pulled his gold command shirt over his head.

"They broke up a few weeks ago." He paused. "Maybe further back than that."

"Why didn't I know this?" he asked, straightening his shirt. Though Jim really didn't care about the relationships between his crew unless it was a danger to the ship, he had prided himself on the fact that he knew them. There were really too many people onboard the Enterprise to know personally, yet he still wanted to try. "How do you know and not me?" He had thought that he was friends with the both of them.

"Uhura said something about it in the mess hall. We all know the Robot wouldn't."

Jim exhaled. "Yeah, but you think I would have noticed."

"Not with those two."

"I guess," he muttered as he pushed back the privacy curtains. "I still wish someone would have told me. Why didn't you tell me?" Jim racked through all of his memories of Spock from the last few weeks, but nothing seemed off with his First Officer, who had been his shadow for that period of time.

"It really wasn't my business. Uhura just mentioned her lack of a love life to another female crew member, and I just happened to be in the room." McCoy shrugged. "So I just let it go."

Jim felt a little better hearing that. "Let's go get something to eat," he stated as he rubbed his stomach.

"I'm game," McCoy replied with a smile. "Just let me put this stuff away." Jim nodded as McCoy disappeared behind the curtains. It was at that exact moment that a certain First Officer walked in with a sour look on his face, though the Vulcan would never admit it.

"Hey, Spock," Jim loudly greeted. He hoped if he said it loud enough, McCoy would come to save him, but doubted that when he heard a snort from behind the curtains…. Nope, he wasn't going to save this time.

"I wish to speak with you about your risky behavior, Captain," Spock replied. He stood very still as he eyed Jim.

"Well, can this wait, Commander?" Jim asked, pulling out the titles. If Spock could do it, he would too. "Doctor McCoy and I were going to get something to eat. Right?" he asked as he looked back. He could see Bones' silhouette through the curtain.

"I don't know what you are talking about, Captain," McCoy responded, holding back his chuckle. "I have reports to file."

Jim's eye twitched. "Traitor!" he yelled back. He was going to get McCoy back and he was going to get him back good. He wouldn't know what hit him.

"Doctor McCoy is not a traitor," Spock replied, still eyeing him with that Vulcan glare. "Though the doctor is highly illogical and senseless at times, I do not believe he would be disloyal to you."

"I was teasing him," Jim sighed. He really couldn't joke with Spock around; he took all the fun out of it.

McCoy popped his head out. "Only you would insult someone to compliment someone, pointy eared bastard." He shook his head as he disappeared again.

Spock eyed McCoy's shadow. "My parents were married at the time of-"

"Spock!" Jim loudly interrupted. He did not want that image in his head. "Again, it's just teasing." It was so much work to talk with Spock, and it made his head hurt at times. At this point, he would rather hear a lecture.

Turning back to Jim, Spock's eyebrow rose. "How illogical."

Rubbing his head again, Jim took a deep breath. "You sure like that word." He knew he was going to regret this, but he might as well just get this over with. "You wanted to talk about my heroism?" Jim was quite proud of his actions.

"Heroism?" Spock questioned. "I would not call it that. Your constant risk taking is rash and pure foolishness. Your death would not suit anyone, as it will only put this ship in danger. Your safety is top priority, above everything else."

Jim was never good at keeping his anger under control, and right now, Spock was pushing all of the right buttons. "No, Commander, it isn't." He took a pause to calm down. "My life means nothing compared to my crew."

"Incorrect, Captain," Spock replied, bringing out the titles like he always did. "If you were to die, do you know what would become of this ship and her crew?"

"Yeah, you take over as captain. Is that so bad?" Jim avoided looking at Spock when he said that. There was still a part of him that wondered if Spock was more qualified for the job than he was. "Well unless you kill them with logic and regulations." He chuckled as Spock's eyebrow rose again.

"Erroneous as neither logic nor regulations can kill," Spock replied. "However, you are better suited to be the Captain than I, C-Jim." There was long pause. "You are more important than you believe."

Jim stood, speechless, as he never expected Spock to say anything like that. One, Spock just referred to him as Jim in a lecture, which he had never done before, and two, he had just given him a compliment. It took Jim a few seconds to collect himself. "I understand where you're coming from, but I will never put my life before anyone else on this ship." He took a deep breath. He knew he should have just said okay and ended it there, but something inside wouldn't let him. He wasn't the type to back down from an argument. "Will you just let it go?"

"I will not," Spock replied. "I will continue to speak until you listen."

Jim took another deep breath. "Don't you have someone else to bug?" he asked annoyed. "Like Lt. Uhura?" He knew he shouldn't have brought her up after what McCoy had said. "She was your girlfriend and all. I'm sure she was jealous of all the attention you give me." He felt a little bad for saying that. "Maybe that's why that relationship ended."

Spock's tone suddenly changed. "That is none of your concern, Captain."

"That's where you're wrong. If your breakup with her interferes with this ship, it is my problem." Jim knew he should have dropped the argument, but he wasn't going to let Spock win this one.

His First Officer didn't ask how he knew. "It will not, Captain." He stared down Jim. "You should worry about more important things like your health." With that, he turned and walked out of the Medical bay.

Jim exhaled as McCoy came out from behind the curtains. "You're an asshole at times."

"I know." He felt awful and was determined to clear the air between himself and his First Officer.

* * *

Jim took a deep breath as stared at all the 'paper work' he had to do. If he knew he had to do all of this when he first signed up for Starfleet, he wouldn't have accepted Pike's offer, until he really thought about it. He loved this job and would do anything for his crew and his ship, including giving up his life. It was a fact that neither Spock nor McCoy liked, but they respected it.

He leaned back in his chair as he closed his eyes. He had lost track of how long he had been sitting still, but he realized it had been a long time as his stomach was growling loudly. His yeoman had tried to get him eat, but he sent her away as he wanted to get his work finished before he ate.

He didn't know why he waited so long to do it but was going to finish every bit of it. If he didn't, it wouldn't be pretty as his First Officer would have his head. To top it off, they hadn't truly gotten over their argument in the Medical bay a few weeks ago. Yes, Spock had told him there was no apology needed, but Jim didn't know if he could believe that. However, if he let it go, Jim would as well.

As he signed another form, the door to his quarters opened. Taking a deep breath, Jim looked up to see Spock and inwardly groaned. Though Spock would never say it, Jim expected an 'I told you so,' which usually came in the form of a look, but he didn't see that. "I know. I know. I should have this done already," Jim stated.

"Jim," Spock called.

It was always a bit scary when Spock called him by his first name. He didn't know what to make of it. Though Jim would like to think of them as friends, he wasn't sure if Spock did. "Yes, Spock," he answered as he looked up. It took a few blinks to figure out what Spock was holding. Somehow, he was able to balance two trays of food and a box containing a chess set. "I take it one of those is for me."

"Affirmative," Spock replied. Jim watched as Spock carefully put one tray down in front of him and the other one across the desk. He set the chess set on the far end of the table.

"And you're eating with me?" Jim asked, not sure what to think about Spock's actions, but was willing to go along with them.

"It is the only way that I can ensure that you will eat. You will not send me away as you did the yeoman," he stated as he took a seat across from him. "You are a child at times."

"And you are my babysitter?" Jim teased. "I don't know how I feel about that."

"If I have to be, then I shall be."

Jim took a deep breath. "And the chess set?" He pointed to it.

"Chess teaches how to strategize and how to think rationally. You will benefit from this."

He inwardly groaned, because there was no way that he could win against Spock. One, he had never played against someone of Spock's skill, and two, he didn't think he could be patient enough to finish the game. "Is this some kind of punishment?" He would need to work on his paper work first.

"This is no punishment."

Jim took a deep breath as he looked into Spock's eyes. "Alright," Jim stated, giving in. "But no making fun of me when you kill me." As he stated that, the look in Spock's eyes surprised him.

"I will not and the game will not hurt you, Jim," he said, softly. "I promise."

Spock's tone and words had surprised him, and he didn't know what to make of it. "It was a joke."

"All the same."

"Um, thanks," he responded. What else could he say to that?

* * *

Jim leaned over the counter and stared at his reflection in the mirror, as he wore only a towel. He had a bit of an ego, and he didn't have an issue with admitting to how awesome he felt. He could admit that he was hot without going overboard, and he knew he was very sexy man, who could have any woman (or man) he wanted. He was also very intelligent with the best plans ever, yet if you were to ask certain members of the crew, they wouldn't agree. Some people thought he needed to get a reality check or at least some logic. He took a deep breath as he wondered if anyone noticed that his ego was just a shield.

Shaking off that thought, Jim walked out of the quarters as he did have a shift to get really for in a few hours. "Good thing about a uniform is that I don't need to worry about what I'm going to wear," he muttered to himself. As he laid out his clothes, this door buzzed, signaling that someone was at his door. "It's open," he stated, having a bad habit of not locking his door. What was the point of that on a Starship?

McCoy came into the room a second later. "Geez, man, put some clothes on! No one wants to see that."

Jim let out a laugh. "C'mon, you know everyone does." He took a few feet back to lean against the wall, which felt cold against his bare back. "So is there something you wanted to talk about?"

"Maybe we can talk after you get dressed."

"Oh, you don't want to see it?" Jim winked as he placed his hands on his towel.

"Jim, you're a child," he stated with annoyance present in his voice. He shifted uncomfortably.

"I-" Jim started in protest, but he was interrupted by the doors of his quarters opening to reveal his First Officer. _Wait what?_ He thought as he saw Spock's face. Was it him or was there a green blush to it? "Hey, Spock."

It took a few seconds for Spock to respond, "I came to speak with you about a certain matter in private, Jim." There was a pause. "I can come back later if I have interrupted an intimate moment." His tone slightly changed as he eyed Jim's chest.

It was the fact that he had called him by his first name that startled him. It had to be important. "Intimate?" he choked out.

McCoy let out a high pitched laugh. "No way in hell."

"Then why are you in a state of undress with Doctor McCoy in the room?" he asked, eyeing McCoy. "If you are in need of a medical treatment, it would be better serviced in the Medical bay."

"Ouch, Bones," Jim said, getting over his shock. He ignored Spock's statement as he really had no interest in answering it. "I have a sexy body. You don't know what you're missing."

The doctor shook his head. "I have seen you naked countless times, Jim, and you have nothing that I want."

"Geez, Bones, I-" Jim started.

Spock stepped forward. "It is highly inappropriate for you to be in the Captain's quarters at this time. It would be best if you left as this is not a medical emergency."

Jim stood there speechless, not at all sure what to say to that. His First Officer had been acting weird for a while now. At first he thought he was imagining it. Now he knew that he wasn't.

McCoy stared at Spock with his mouth wide open. "Excuse me, Commander Spock? What did you say?" He paused. "What the hell is up your ass?"

"I am trying to respect Jim's privacy," Spock stated, as he took a few steps to put himself between Jim and McCoy. This did not going unnoticed by either of them.

"I have seen Jim naked numerous times. I've seen scars that you don't know about." McCoy did his best to stare down Spock, but it was hard to stare down a Vulcan. "Like the scar under his-"

"Hey!" Jim yelled. "He doesn't need to know about that." He had a lot of scars under things and each one had a story that he didn't want anyone to know about. "Let me get dressed and that will solve everything." Jim shook his head as he took his clothes into the restroom to change. As the door closed behind him, he wondered what the hell he was going to do with them. After he put on his blacks, he walked back into his quarters and noticed that Spock was gone. "Where did Spock go?"

McCoy exhaled. "After you went to get dressed, he left without a word. Strange, but heck, he's gone." There was a small smile on his face. "He's going batshit crazy."

Jim blew out the breath that he was holding, because he agreed with McCoy. "You really shouldn't egg him on."

"That wasn't egging. You've seen me egg people before." McCoy's smile turned semi creepy. "Besides, he's in love, which is why he's going crazy. The whole Vulcan emotion thing."

Jim narrowed his eyes. "I thought he and Uhura broke up?"

"They did. I wasn't taking about her. He's in love with you." McCoy revealed with a laugh.

It took Jim a few second to realize what McCoy had said. "Bullshit," he replied, because that was the only thing he could come up with. Why in the hell would Spock be in love with him? He could barely admit that they were friends.

"That was the same thing I said when Uhura brought it up, but after seeing him react to you being naked in front of me, I think she's right."

Again, he wasn't sure what to say. "Since when did you start talking to Uhura? And you both need help if you think the emotionless robot loves me." It didn't make any sense to him. Why would Spock love him of all people? All he did was lecture him and treat him like child. He thought Jim was the most illogical person in the universe.

"Think about it. Look at how pissed he got when I was in here with you when you were only wearing a towel," McCoy stated. "He stepped in front of me to block my view of you for crying out loud. He almost ripped my head off, Jim."

Jim didn't know why this idea was so strange to him, because he had noticed that Spock was acting weird. Spock had always protested his ideas, but recently, he had started to check up on him. Jim couldn't go anywhere without Spock knowing. He couldn't deal with the Vulcan's over protectiveness because he didn't need anyone, though both McCoy and Spock would disagree. He took a deep breath. "I don't know, Bones."

"I hear he has been coming to your quarters more than usual, Jim."

That was true, but Jim still didn't want to believe that Spock was in love with him. "He just wants to make sure I eat because you know I don't eat all the time." He shook his head. "And… we talk while we play chess." It still surprised him that Spock was willing to talk to him while they were off duty rather than just during a shift or a mission.

"And you can't tell me that you two aren't closer now than a few months ago?" McCoy asked. "Everyone can see that you two are working better together even through the many fights."

This was becoming too much for Jim, and he had to sit down.

"Why is this so hard for you? I know I don't like him, but he isn't that horrible." McCoy looked annoyed. "Look at what you made me admit. I can't believe I just said the hobgoblin isn't that horrible."

"It isn't that." Jim took a deep breath. "It just makes working with him awkward." He paused as he thought about everything that was revealed to him and what could happen from it.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but… how bad could a relationship with him be? Well besides the fact that he is an emotionless robot," McCoy stated. He took a few steps toward his friend and crouched down in front of him.

Exhaling, Jim met McCoy's eyes. "One, I don't like him like that." It felt weird on his tongue as he said it. "And two, you know I don't do relationships, Bones. If I let something happen, it won't end well. I never had a relationship with anyone without it falling apart. I can't allow that, because a Captain and a First Officer have to work as one. And there is probably some regulation against it." He had no idea why he was bringing regulations into this, as he often didn't follow them.

"You're afraid," McCoy stated softly. "Are you afraid of hurting yourself or hurting him?" There was a pause. "It does appear that Spock is willing to take that risk."

Jim stood up suddenly. "I am not afraid, Bones. There's nothing to be afraid of." He closed his eyes as he rubbed his head. "I need to think."

"Jim."

"No, I don't want to talk about it." He took a deep breath. "Is this what you wanted to talk about?

"No." McCoy answered, as he went off into the real reason why he came.

* * *

Though Jim would rather not think about the past, the memories were at least good memories and put something good into this horrible experience.

It was getting harder and harder to breathe as Jim's body had started to shake in pain. The pain was ten times worse, and if he could talk, he would be screaming out in pain. To make matters worse, his whole body felt like it was on fire. It didn't matter that he was lying in a tub of ice.

"Your temperate is not dropping," the Doctor from before muttered. Jim still wasn't able to get a good look at him as his vision was still failing him. "And the meds that I'm giving you are not working."

Jim felt his body shake as pain rocketed through his body. He let out a moan, as he knew the end was soon. He realized there wasn't any way he was going to survive this. He wished he could end it now instead of slowly dying. There was nothing that could keep him going besides the _Providence_ and Admiral Pike…okay maybe Selek, but he was still ready to die.

"Salean, I need you!" the Doctor yelled. With that name, Jim's already slow heart almost stopped. His train of thought disappeared along with his ability to breathe. "Now, if you do not want your human to die!"

During the time where Jim had no idea of who had entered the room and who had left, when he was only aware of the heat and pain, he didn't know who belonged to the second pair of hands that had touched him. Now it hit him full force as he realized the identity of the owner of those hands. His body began to shake harder as his soul cried.

"What can we do?" Salean asked as he placed a kiss on Jim's forehead.

"Find a human doctor, preferably one who knows this human. James Kirk seems to have allergies that I am not aware of and I am concerned about giving him the wrong thing." He hypoed him, even if it was clear he didn't want to. It annoyed Jim that the substance let him breathe again. He just wanted to die.

Jim tried to move his hand as Salean touched him, but his body wouldn't listen. The pain was too great, and somehow, he was able to let out a scream, even though he couldn't breathe.

"I will find one. I cannot let anything happen to my James."

"Do it fast, because I am not sure how long he will last."

"I will."

Jim didn't know when Salean left as it was getting harder to think. "M-make i-it s-stop," he moaned. It sounded like there was cotton in his mouth. "J-just let m-me die."

If the Doctor understood what he said, he didn't respond. Instead, he just stabbed him again and with that, Jim drifted back into unconsciousness. His memories were safe for now at least.

* * *

If anyone asked Jim, he'd say he wasn't avoiding Spock, when in reality he was doing everything he could to avoid the Vulcan. After Jim had left McCoy the other day, he had taken a long walk inside the Enterprise, and during this walk, he had come across Uhura and Spock, speaking in one of the observations decks. He didn't want to stay and listen to the conversation but stopped the second he heard his name. He had to find out why they were talking about him. Looking back at it now, he wished he had kept on walking.

Jim at the moment was working out in the Enterprise's gym, as he tried to figure out what he was going to do. He couldn't keep changing his shifts and pretending he was sick each time Spock came to see him, as someone was bound to notice his weird behavior. But he couldn't be around Spock at the moment or any time right now.

"Stop, Kirk," he told himself as Uhura and Spock's conversation replayed in his mind. "Stop thinking about it." He didn't know why he kept thinking about it when it wasn't going to happen. He wasn't going to let it happen.

"_I think you're overthinking and overreacting, Spock." Uhura stated._

"_I do not overact or overthink, Nyota."_

Jim still did not understand why Spock was so friendly and open with Uhura even after the breakup. Most breakups did not end on friendly terms…well most of Jim's did not. He couldn't even look at people he slept with anymore.

"_You are this time. There's nothing going on between McCoy and Kirk. They are just good friends, really good friends."_

"_He was alone with the Captain in his quarters while he was indecent. What else does it mean?"_

It blew his mind that Spock was jealous of McCoy. He was just a good friend, who Jim could count on for anything.

"_You forget who Kirk is. If he could run around naked, he would," Uhura answered. "And McCoy has probably seen him naked hundreds of times. I don't know why you are so worried." She exhaled loudly. "I'd seen him naked for crying out loud, and I don't know what the big deal is about it." There was a chuckle. _

Though this whole situation was awkward, he could laugh at Uhura's joke. He and she may not be the best of friends, but she was still amazing. Jim didn't know how she truly felt, but she had never shown anything but smiles and kindness unless he did something stupid.

"_You have seen Jim naked? Why?"_ _It was clear that Spock was jealous, which surprised them both. _

"_It wasn't on purpose, Spock. It was by accident." She paused. "If you want Kirk, why don't you just come out and ask him. I would think he would like the direct approach."_

"_I…" There was a pause. "I do not want to scare Jim. He is everything."_

Even now, the admission sent chills down his spine, because no one said that about him. It warmed his heart to hear Spock say that, but that didn't change anything. The relationship still couldn't happen.

"_I doubt you would scare him away that easily."_

"_He has been though more than most people think and I am not willing to risk it."_

"_Spock, you have to do something. I can see how much this is hurting you. Just tell him. I know he might not return your feelings, but at least you can move on if you he doesn't."_

Jim wasn't sure what he was feeling for Spock, but he refused to think about it.

"_I will not as you say 'move on' from him. He is my T'hy'la. I will stand by him no matter, even if… I have to watch him take others to his bed." There was pain in this voice that Jim didn't like. _

"_You're kidding right? Kirk is your T'hy'la?" _

Jim still had no idea of what that word meant and why Uhura was shocked by it. He wished he knew, but he couldn't ask anyone what it meant without telling him or her where he got it from.

"_I do not joke, Nyota. And for that, I will do anything for him."_

"_But still." There was a pause. "You would just watch him sleep with other people? You're okay with that?"_

"_No, I'm not, but I will try." There was a long pause. "However, it will slowly kill me."_

After Spock said that, Jim quietly left as he couldn't listen to his First Officer anymore. He didn't want to feel worse than he already did. Spock had admitted his feelings, while he couldn't even begin to understand his own.

Jim swung at a punching bag in frustration. Why must he be so confused all the time? Why was he still thinking about Spock? Why did he care in the first place? Did that mean he returned the Vulcan's feelings? If he did, what did that mean for the Enterprise?

He took a deep breath as he punched the bag again and again. He didn't stop until his arms felt like they were going to fall off. Jim stared at the bag before letting gravity take over. On the ground, he closed his eyes as he tried to think about anything else. It was nice to just close his eyes without having to worry about being somewhere.

"Jim."

Said man almost jumped out of his skin at the sound of his name. "Commander Spock," Jim greeted as he got to his feet. He didn't want to be on the ground when Spock was around. He needed to be on his feet in case he had to run. "How are you today?" He tried to put on the biggest smile ever.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" he asked. Spock was staring him down with a look that Jim couldn't read.

"Me avoiding you? Why would anyone avoid you? You are a basket of fun." Jim knew he was stupid to think that Spock didn't notice, but he still hoped.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "Basket of fun? I do not understand." He paused. "And you have. You have changed your shift ten times and been sick each time I came to see you. If it were serious, you would have seen Doctor McCoy, which I know you have not. When I asked McCoy about this, he said a few things that I do not wish to repeat, but he agreed with me."

"Traitor."

"McCoy has not-"

"It's an expression!" He had started to believe that Spock did this on purpose.

"I see, but it does not change the fact that you are avoiding me. I wish to find out why."

Jim took a deep breath, because he didn't want to have this conversation with Spock. He wanted to pretend this thing between them didn't exist. "You're overreacting, Spock."

"You have not answered my question," he stated with his famous glare. He took a step toward Jim as if to trap him in the room. He must have known of Jim's plan of escaping.

Turning away so he wouldn't have to look at his First Officer, he crossed to the bench to get his towel to wipe off his sweat. "I'm not avoiding you."

"You are lying."

Even if it was true, Jim hated to be called a liar. "If you don't believe me, that's your problem, not mine," he snapped as he picked up his things to leave. As he made his way to the door, Spock stepped in front of door blocking his way. "Spock move out of the way." He really didn't want to deal with this.

"No."

Jim's head had started to hurt. Yes, Spock could sometimes give him a headache, but at this moment, he was pissed and normally, he could look past it. Normally his anger would beat anything, but right now his head felt like it was on fire. "Move, Spock," he sneered. Jim thought it was weird that Spock hadn't noticed that he was in pain. His First Officer always noticed the smallest cut on his skin during away missions.

"No."

_Stupid stubborn Vulcan,_ he thought. "Move, Commander. That's an order," Jim stated pulling rank. He hated it had to come to this, but Spock wouldn't listen to him.

"No."

"Are you disobeying a direct order, _Commander_?" He made sure to deliberately stress the rank.

There was some hesitation in Spock, but he did not move. "Yes, Captain. It seems like I am."

Jim stood there in shock, because he didn't know what he was going to do. He knew he really couldn't force his way around Spock, and he didn't want to call security on him. That would screw them both. He opened his mouth to speak when pain flashed through him, and again, it surprised him that Spock didn't notice. "Spock, please move," he begged.

"There are only two ways that I am leaving, Jim. Either you explain why you are avoiding me or call security, which is something you will not do."

Jim groaned in pain and annoyance. He couldn't believe how much pain he felt. Why wasn't Spock noticing? He thought he cared. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Jim, this rift between us will not help the ship. We need to talk about it."

He closed his eyes again as he was rocketed with another flash of pain. However, even with the pain, he knew Spock was right. Once Jim turned him down, this whole thing would just get awkward. "I can't do this."

"This is vital to the ship."

He shook his head. "I meant that I can't do a relationship. There can't be an us, Spock."

"I do not understand. Us mean-"

Jim waved him off. "I know what 'us' means." He took a deep breath as he tried to ride the pain out. "I meant that we cannot have any kind of romantic relationship. I'm sorry, Spock." The look on Spock's face made him feel like he had just killed his puppy, and he felt awful about it. "I was avoiding you so I wouldn't have to do this."

Spock exhaled as he stood very still with his hands behind his back. "May I hear your reasoning for saying no?"

"Why, does it matter?" he asked. "There is probably some regulation against it."

"When did you start caring about rules and regulations, Jim?"

"When did you stop?" Jim countered. "And then there's the whole being emotionally compromised to each other, and we can't have that on a mission. You know that."

Spock started to take a few steps closer to Jim, who took a step back for each step Spock took toward him. "That will not happen." By the time he was done, Spock had Jim cornered and there was nowhere for him to go. "Why are you afraid?" he asked, looking directly into Jim's eyes.

"It's funny that you're accusing me of being afraid." Again, he had to close his eyes as pain flashed through him. Black spots entered his vision. "Besides, you wouldn't want a relationship with me. Everyone knows how I am and how I don't do relationships." All of the sudden, Jim felt cold. Did someone turn the heat down?

"You have not been in the right relationship."

"And you're the right relationship?" he asked. Why couldn't he just tell Spock that he didn't like him that way? Did he really like him? Was he crazy? How could he like his First Officer like that?

"You are my T'hy'la."

There was that word again, but he couldn't ponder what that meant. It was hard to think when he was freezing and in severe pain. "What does that mean?" he asked.

"You are not ready for that yet."

"So why does Uhura get to know before I do?" he asked, annoyed.

Spock stared at him, studying him. "I do not want to scare you away." There was a pause. "You have overheard us speaking?" He sounded annoyed. "You should have come to me."

Jim snorted. "Beats the whole idea of avoiding you, doesn't it?" His heart was beating a million beats per second. "And there still can't be an us."

"I will leave you be Captain, when you tell me that you do not feel anything for me." In a move that Jim never expected, Spock pinned Jim to the wall with his body. His hand danced up Jim's body, but he didn't touch any of Jim's bare skin.

"We can't, Spock," Jim stated as he breathed slowly. He was still freezing and in pain, but at the moment, he was distracted by Spock, whose lips were inches from his lips. He couldn't stop looking at them.

"Tell me you do not want this."

Oh god, he wanted to tell him that he didn't want this, but he couldn't. He wanted this badly…He didn't know when he had started to admit the truth to himself that he wanted Spock… Still though, he couldn't let this happen, but there wasn't anything he could do with Spock so close to him. He closed his eyes as he allowed the whole situation to overtake him. Spock took this as a sign and kissed him hard. Without Jim even knowing, he placed one of his hands on Jim's hand and ran his fingers up and down. When Jim started to kiss Spock back, his First Officer became more aggressive. He put his full weight on Jim's body and Jim could feel Spock's body wanting his. After a few minutes, Spock's lips left Jim's and traveled to his neck. Jim moaned as Spock sucked on his neck.

"Mine," Spock stated as his lips left Jim neck. He had left a mark on Jim's neck and seemed quite proud of it. "No one else may touch you, now." He returned to Jim's lips and kissed him hard.

They stayed there for some time kissing, even with the black spots in his vision and the dropping temperature, which was making it harder to feel. Then all of the sudden, Jim came to his senses and pushed an unsuspecting Spock away. He couldn't do this. He was the Captain. His happiness came last.

In Spock's surprise, Jim was able to slip passed his First Officer and grab his things. "We can't, Spock. I'm sorry." He bolted out of the room before Spock could even react. As soon as Jim made it down the hall, his vision was overtaken by the darkness.

* * *

Jim woke up, wanting to scream even if no sound would come of his mouth. It was so cold that he couldn't feel his body and the pain almost disappeared along with his nerves, which was a good thing in his eyes. "Relax, James," the Doctor stated as he started to wrap Jim in blankets. "If you do not, you will die faster."

His opinion was the same; he didn't care if he died. It would be a good thing if his death happened soon. His body was shutting down on him and he was happy for that because he didn't want to be raped by Salean again. He would rather die.

"If Salean does not come soon with a human doctor, it will be too late." He took a few seconds away from Jim and walked to his bag. "I don't want to give you anything else, because there is already a large cocktail in your body."

Jim tried to move his head, but his muscles wouldn't work. The only thing he could do was moan as he still could feel some pain. Without the extreme pain, he was able to open his eyes a little bit and take a look around the room. He could tell the doctor wasn't human just by looking at him. His skin was a light greenish-blue color, and he had weird looking ear-like things coming out of his head. His legs looked like they had been put on backward. "W-water," he stated, struggling to get the word out.

The Doctor turned to him before picking up a rag. "I did not think you would be able to drink with your lack of strength, James." He placed the rag close to Jim's lips and allowed the water to drip on his lips. "This is a good sign, though."

"C-cold," Jim muttered.

"I know," the Doctor stated as he glanced down Jim's body. Jim had been taken out of the ice bath a few hours ago and placed on a heating table. He had been covered in blankets, but the doctor had been unsuccessful in keeping Jim's body temperature up. "The beating that Salean's thug gave you almost killed you, and then the Dalenien idiot almost kills you with a hypo mixed with everything under the sun. If you survive this, it will be something extraordinary."

Jim's eyes started to drift again, and he was unable to stop them. In his last few seconds, he thought about his death. _So this is how it feels like to die? _He wouldn't wish this on anyone, even his worst foe….just maybe on Salean.

His thoughts wandered to his crew (he would claim them in death) and Admiral Pike. His heart started to ache knowing the pain they would suffer. Pike was a father to him, having a special relationship that no one could deny. He wished he could have said goodbye to him one last time and tell him how much he meant to him. Also, even if Jim could never forget what his crew did, he wanted to forgive them, Spock and McCoy included, and tell them goodbye as well. Though they made his life a living hell during the last few months he was on the Enterprise, they had given him some happy moments that he didn't think were possible.

In one of his attempts to breathe, Jim thought of Aurelan. He hated knowing that he was going to leave her. She had tried to be a rock for him, and he wished there was a way that he could have paid her back. There was his brother, and he dreamed of the relationship he had always wanted with him instead of the barely tolerable one he had now. He thought about his annoying stupid mother. No matter what he did, nothing could have fixed that relationship, but it didn't stop him from wishing there was something that could have be done. Now he had run out of time.

In his very last second, he thought of Old Spock. The Vulcan had lived through him dying once in his own time, and now he was going to have to live through him dying again. How could the universe be so cruel to him? If only for him, Jim wished he could come back, because he understood what it meant to lose a loved one. _I'm sorry, old man._ He really loved that old Vulcan.

But….for once, James T. Kirk had truly given up. He had lost all hope and would rather this be over as he didn't want to think about the pain of his death and the suffering it would cause.

"James," the Doctor called when Jim didn't open his eyes. "James."

Jim couldn't answer as he suddenly lost the power to breathe. His body unconsciously started to struggle for air, as it thrashed, using strength that he didn't know he had. His back arched as pain returned to his body ten-fold, and he knew then that the end was near and welcomed it.

* * *

I hoped you like it.

Until next time


	17. Impossible Decisions

I think I am getting better, right? I am think I am getting better with updates, right?

Anyhow, here is the next chapter. Some might say the fun is starting with this chapter.

Please enjoy!

Special thanks to MoonstarWorld, who had edited this for me! :)

* * *

Chapter 17:

Impossible Decisions

* * *

With each passing second that they did not find Captain Kirk, Admiral Pike's nervousness was growing. At this rate, he thought he was going to go crazy, because not knowing could drive anyone insane. If Jim hadn't been kidnapped or wasn't in danger, Pike was going to kill him very slowly, because this nervousness could knock even the best to their knees.

Shaking his head, Pike turned to the door that led to Jim's quarters. Admiral Komack had set up a temporary 'base' in the space, so they could coordinate the search party without being noticed. Komack wanted to keep the search under wraps. Although Pike didn't like it, he understood why. Knowing that the famous captain of the _Providence _was MIA and there was a dangerous criminal on the loose would cause a mass panic amongst the crowd, which would take officers away from the search to calm them down. Also, if they kept this quiet, Salean and Seleen wouldn't be expecting them and they could get the surprise on them.

The door to the room slid open and he stepped through. The ugly flowers had been removed and the room had been cleaned. There were several computers set up and each had an officer sitting in front of them. Doctor McCoy, who had requested to beam down with the search team, was sitting at one of the monitors; his eyes were glued to the screen. Komack had denied his request, saying if they needed him, they would call him. Komack thought it would be best to keep the doctor away from the action as there was no telling how bad it would be. McCoy had argued aggressively, but Komack refused to listen.

McCoy had also requested that they inform the senior crewmembers of the _Enterprise_ of the situation. He knew they would want to assist with the search, and their skills would be helpful. Komack had denied that as well as he didn't want emotionally compromised officers on the search team. He knew the crew was close to Kirk and didn't need their emotions. Having the emotional McCoy was enough, and he needed the famous crew of the _Enterprise_ at the festivities. If he pulled them from the events, someone would notice and begin to ask questions.

Pike crossed the room to McCoy, who looked up a bit. "Pike," he said.

"McCoy, is there any news?" There were more qualified people in the room that Pike could have asked, but he wanted to ask McCoy to keep him distracted from leaving. The Admiral knew the doctor must have been feeling like shit at the moment, which he thought McCoy deserved after hearing the whole story from Jim. Despite the fact that his best friend (ex or not) was missing, there was nothing he could do at the moment.

McCoy glanced up before turning back to his monitor. "I think you should ask them, not me, Sir." He pointed toward the officers beside him. Pike kept his eyes on McCoy. "No, they haven't found him. They have already searched three sections and haven't found any trace of Jim."

"And what are you doing?"

"I'm looking at all of the things on that goddamn planet that can kill Jim. I'm making sure my medical kit is stocked." McCoy pointed to his case. "The second they find him, I'm going to be there." McCoy paused. "I still think we should let Spock in on this. That hobgoblin could probably instantly find him using his Vulcan voodoo."

Pike took a deep breath, knowing where McCoy was coming from. He knew it would be wise to bring in the Vulcan first officer, but he was following Admiral Komack's orders. "Why would we bring in Commander Spock? He doesn't serve under Captain Kirk. Jim is no concern of his. He's Captain Pitts' First Officer, and if Captain Pitts was missing, we would bring him in." He was very irritated at Spock and the rest of the senior crew for their behavior. It was very unfitting for a group of Starfleet Officers and there was a part of him that wanted to bring each of them up on charges. He inwardly sighed as he knew Kirk would never go for that. Jim blamed himself for their actions.

McCoy turned in his chair to face Pike. "Jim may not be our Captain, but he'll always be our concern," he stated loudly, drawing the attention of the room.

Groaning in annoyance, he yanked McCoy up by his forearm and dragged him to the corner of the room to have some kind of privacy. "Doctor, watch your tone," he ordered.

"This is bullshit, Admiral Pike, and you know it. The-"

"Enough, McCoy," Pike snapped. He was whispering, but his tone was very clear and harsh. "The crew of the _Enterprise_, you included, turned their backs on their Captain. What rights do you think you have?" McCoy was feeling guilty and wanted to make up for it, but he couldn't just run off.

"You have every right to pissed; heck, I'm pissed at myself. What I did to Jim is unforgiveable and I don't expect him to forgive me." McCoy paused to take a deep breath. "I know Jim is like a son to you, and you're trying to protect him, but we can't go to the big horse race without our best horses."

"Don't kid yourself. This isn't about you and your betrayal." Pike took a long look around the room. Nothing seemed to have changed and they weren't any closer to finding Jim. "Yes, Jim's very important to me, and I don't want to see him hurt, which is what your presence will do." He paused to take a deep breath. "However, that isn't why I'm keeping them in the dark. The less people who know, the better, because Seleen and his son could be watching."

McCoy exhaled. "I understand, but I don't like it." There was a long pause. "You know if we could change what we did, we would in a heartbeat."

"I know," Pike stated. He knew Jim didn't tell them anything after what had happened and refused to talk about it, but they still didn't have the right to treat him like that. He flashed back to what Jim had told him. "He wanted to kill himself, did you know that? He almost did in fact. For that, I can't look past it." There was another pause. "If I thought it would help, I would bring each of you up on charges."

"And we would deserve it." McCoy's voice gave away to what he was feeling… broken. "He wanted to die?" He looked down.

"He did." Pike eyed him as McCoy leaned against the wall. "I have to go see Admiral Komack and give him an update." He took a deep breath and turned to the door.

* * *

McCoy couldn't sit in the room anymore, and he didn't care what Admiral Pike thought or told him. As an officer, he could understand Pike's reasons, but right now he didn't agree with them. Spock had been able to find Jim countless times when no one else could, and he was sure the Vulcan could do it again. He just had to be given the chance.

Standing up, he glanced around the room. No one looked his way despite his sudden movement. He picked up his medical bag and headed to the door. He knew he would be disobeying a direct order that both Admirals Komack and Pike had given him, but he couldn't sit in a chair and stare at a computer screen any longer. He had to do something.

In a matter of seconds, McCoy was out the door and down the corridor. Though he wasn't sure of the time, Spock had to be in the main hall as the festivities had already stated. However, he stopped by Spock's quarters to make sure he wasn't there. Not finding him, McCoy turned toward the direction of the main hall and took off in a brisk walk. He would have run but didn't want to draw attention to himself.

As he walked, he thought back to what Pike had told him about Jim, and it knocked the air from his lungs. It shocked him that Jim had sunk so slow that he wanted to die, because his former best friend was always the happy, hyper guy. Yes, Jim had his depressing sad moments that he tried to hide, but McCoy had always been able to see through them. However, he didn't see any of that before Jim had given up the _Enterprise_…Or maybe, he did and just didn't care.

As he got closer, McCoy could hear the festivities, and it made him pick up his speed. He made it to the doorway of the hall in a few minutes, and scanned the room, looking for Spock. The room was crowded and McCoy couldn't see anyone that he knew. "Where are you, you pointy-eared bastard?" McCoy asked himself as he took a step into the large room. He took another look around the area, and to his joy, he spotted the Vulcan standing next to his father. "Spock," he yelled, but there was no way for him to be heard over the noise of the crowd and background music. McCoy could barely hear himself.

As he was able to take another step into the room, McCoy heard his name called and turned around. "Doctor McCoy."

"I don't have-" McCoy started as he turned around. He was ready to snap on the person as he didn't have the time. His heart stopped as he recognized Seleen. "Where's Jim?" He snarled, stepping toward. "If you hurt him, I will personally hypo you to death." His grip on the medical bag tightened.

"If you come with me, I can show you," Seleen stated. He was standing with a straight back and his hands were behind his back. To his left was a man that could only be described as a thug. He was four times McCoy's size and stood a good three feet higher than him. His face looked like it had seen better days as it was black and blue with a few deep scars.

It would be very stupid for McCoy to go with him. Just because the Dalenien said he could bring him to Jim, it did not mean he would. He could be lying. Seleen had already made it clear that he didn't like him. "Admiral Komack would like to speak with you."

"I know, but I do not wish to speak to him."

"I don't care if you don't want to speak with the Admiral. You're going to do it." Seleen was pissing him off.

"I do not have the time. I need to see my son."

"Salean is here? Does he have Jim?" McCoy didn't know what he was doing, but he knew the more information he had the better. It could help them find Jim.

"If you wish to see James, come with me," Seleen stated. His tone had not changed, but it was clear that McCoy had annoyed the Dalenien. "We must hurry, Doctor. He is of need medical attention. I am afraid he will not last long without it."

Every bone in McCoy's body was telling him that this was a very bad idea. Going with Seleen could mean death for him, but he couldn't leave Jim alone to die. "And you came to me?" he asked. "I thought you didn't like me."

"I do not like you. If I could, I would break your legs and leave you in the desert to be eaten by the animals, but the current doctor cannot help him, and you are the only one who can save James." He nodded to the thug who took it as his cue and stepped toward McCoy, "Now, please let's go."

McCoy glanced over his shoulder to where he had last seen Spock, but the Vulcan was no longer there. He scanned the crowd for a second, but he was unable to find him. "And if I refuse?" McCoy asked, knowing that he would never refuse. He would do anything for his friend…besides supporting Jim when he needed him. Disgust for himself filled him.

"You would let your friend die? I would have thought higher of you. My first assessment of you was correct."

"I would never let Jim die."

"Then come with me," he stated. The thug grabbed McCoy arm tightly. With his arm in a lock, there was no way the doctor could break free. "We do not have time for a discussion."

"After I save Jim, what do you plan on doing with him and me?" McCoy glared at the thug holding him.

As he took a look around, Seleen stepped toward McCoy. "With James, you need not worry. He will be taken care of. Maybe, we will let you come with us. If Salean plans on keeping him, we will need a doctor."

"By taking care of him, you mean your son raping him repeatedly?" McCoy snapped back, ignoring the part about his possible future. How could he save Jim only to have him be turned into a sex slave? Though he couldn't speak for Jim, he knew it wasn't the life he wanted.

Seleen grabbed McCoy by the collar and pulled him toward him. "Your Federation has no idea of what they speak of. My son has claimed James, and he will have him." Seleen let him go as he spotted a few people walk their way. He nodded to him as they entered the main hall.

"Even if it is against his wishes?" McCoy hissed.

"He will accept it soon enough." Seleen looked to the thug. "Let's get going."

McCoy groaned as he nodded his head. He couldn't leave Jim to suffer this alone, and he would do whatever it took to make sure that it didn't happen even if the Daleniens killed him.

* * *

Admiral Pike was pissed when he arrived at Jim's quarters to check on McCoy. He knew he shouldn't have left the doctor alone, because there was no way in hell that McCoy was going to listen to him. McCoy was too emotional to think clearly, and Pike couldn't fault him. He himself was also very emotional, and it was a wonder that he was able to think clearly. "Did anyone see where he went?" he asked the officers.

"No, Sir. He left over an hour ago," an officer in a blue shirt answered.

"Fuck," he cursed causing a few heads to turn to him, but no one mentioned his language. "If you hear anything about Captain Kirk or Doctor McCoy, let me know immediately." They nodded as he crossed to the door. "Stupid. I hate babysitting." He muttered to himself.

Pike headed to the hall in a rush. He knew it might be too late to stop McCoy from disobeying orders, but he had to try. If he didn't, Admiral Komack would have both of their heads. Komack had been very firm about keeping this quiet and would punish anyone who disobeyed him. His firmness on keeping this quiet was not a reflection of how he thought about Captain Kirk. Komack hadn't been Jim's biggest fan in the beginning, but with each passing day, he could see that Jim Kirk was a great captain and had started to grow on him.

Now, Pike had to scope out the damage and see what he had to do to fix it. He hoped McCoy didn't go yelling about Kirk's disappearance in the middle of the party and alerting everyone to it. If he didn't, it gave him a chance to keep McCoy out of trouble.

His advancement through the room was slowed by the large crowd that was stopping him every few seconds. It took ten minutes for him to locate Commander Spock, who was having a lively discussion with Captain Pitts. Judging by Pitts' face, he was annoyed, but there was no emotion on Spock's face. He had heard rumors that they did not get along, but it took a special kind of person to have a Vulcan as their first officer.

"Captain, Commander," Pike spoke as he arrived at their location. "Is there something wrong?" he asked as he looked between the two.

"Admiral Pike," Pitts greeted. He glanced around the room. "There's nothing wrong." He put on a large smile. "We were just having a discussion."

"Maybe that discussion is better left to your quarters, Captain Pitts," Pike stated. He didn't think he needed to babysit Pitts as well. "We don't need them seeing us fight." He nodded his head to the crowd.

"I understand, Sir," Pitts responded.

Spock nodded his head. "It is a mistake that we will not let happen again."

The Admiral took a double look of the Vulcan, because now he could see emotions on Spock's face. He knew the Vulcan better than most, and he had never been this easy to read before. Pike knew something had to be wrong, and it had to do with Jim, which annoyed him. Spock turned his back on Jim, and he deserved none of his compassion. "Make sure it doesn't."

"Was there another reason why you're here?" Pitts asked.

Pike looked around the room, catching a few eyes on them. This was too public for his liking, but he didn't have much of a choice. "Follow me," he stated as he headed to a vacant corner. It was the best he could do.

"So?" Pitts asked as he glanced over his shoulder to the crowd. There were only one empty table between them and the crowd. Spock stood by Pitts' side with his arms behind his back. They both eyed Pike.

"Have either of you seen Doctor McCoy?" Pike asked.

"Why are you concerned with Doctor McCoy's location?" Spock asked. "Has he done something erroneous?"

Pitts stared off as he thought his CMO. "McCoy does have a bad habit of speaking out of turn." Spock glanced toward Pitts for a brief second before staring at the wall behind Pike's head.

Pike glanced between the two. If he didn't know them, he wouldn't think that anything was wrong, but he knew them both well enough to know something was up. He also knew there had been tension between the _Enterprise's_ crew and Captain Pitts, but he didn't think it was this bad. "Not everyone can handle Doctor McCoy. It takes a special kind of person," Pike answered. "However, have you seen McCoy?"

Pitts eyed him. "No, I have not. Have you, Commander Spock?" he asked, turning to Spock.

"I too have not seen Doctor McCoy," Spock answered. "Has something happened?"

Taking a deep breath, Pike glanced around the room. "If you see him, please let him know that I'm looking for him." He stated as he turned to the door. Not to his surprise, he didn't make it three steps before getting stopped by Captain Pitts and Spock.

"Admiral Pike, what's going on?" Pitts asked. "I know something's up. I haven't seen Admiral Komack since you dragged him out of breakfast, and now you're acting weird." He took a step toward Pike.

"Just one question. When did you last see McCoy?" Pike asked. Something wasn't right. At first, he had wondered if Jim was playing all of them with his vanishing act, but now he was beginning to wonder. But why the hell would Seleen and/or Salean kidnap McCoy? He doubted they would like his southern insults and bedside manner. He already knew Seleen didn't like the doctor which led him to think of the only reason why they would take McCoy… _Jim_, he thought, panicking. Was Jim hurt? Was he dying?

"I have not seen Doctor McCoy since it was announced that Captain Kirk would take the _Providence_," Spock answered. Again, if Pike didn't know the Vulcan, he would not have noticed the annoyance and worried tones in his voice.

"Same here." Pitts studied his face. "C'mon, Pike. I know something's happening. I can see it in your face." He followed Pike's glance.

A shiver flowed through Pike as he felt someone besides Spock and Captain Pitts watching him. He didn't like it. He scanned the room, but no one stood out to him. "I can't talk about it here. Follow me," he stated as he turned to leave. They followed him without another word.

It only took a few minutes for them to find an empty room to speak in. The second the door closed, Pitts opened his mouth. "So what's going on?"

"One of the Captains went missing sometime last night, and no one can locate him. We were led to believe that someone has taken him," Pike responded, eyeing Spock. Though he wasn't sure of the status of Jim and Spock's relationship at the moment, he knew Jim was important to Spock. He wasn't sure how the Vulcan would react to hearing Jim was missing.

"Who was the Captain?" Pitts asked.

"It is J-Kirk," Spock said, quickly.

Pike eyed Spock and he could see the Vulcan's body language change. "It is."

"I see why you wanted to keep this quiet," Pitts stated, glancing at Spock. Spock was standing very still with his arms against his side. His hands were clenched into fists as he stared off. "Do you know who took him?"

Pike still eyed Spock. "We do have a lead, but we aren't sure. Captain Kirk did make a few enemies when he was the Captain on the _Enterprise_."

"And you believe this same person has McCoy?" Pitts asked.

"I do."

Spock turned to Pike. "You are being ambiguous. Why?" he asked. "You do not believe it was Salean? He would be the most logical of suspects."

Admiral Pike didn't know if it would be wise to admit that it was Salean. He could already see the control slipping from Spock and knew he couldn't lie. "I do not believe it would be wise to bring in emotionally compromised officers." He eyed Spock and could see the gears turning in the Vulcan's mind.

"You believe that I am emotionally compromised?" Spock asked.

"I believe you can answer that," Pike stated, as he glanced toward Pitts, who was eyeing Spock.

"Though I am Vulcan and I do not outwardly show emotions, I do feel," Spock admitted. He glanced toward Pitts. It was obvious that he did not feel comfortable admitting his emotions in front of Captain Pitts. "…Jim is important to me."

"And you believe your treatment of Kirk showed his importance to you?" Pitts asked.

Spock stared forward, refusing to look at Captain Pitts. "Though my treatment of _my _Captain is none of your concern, no, it does not." The stress on the word 'my' did not go unnoticed by either of them. "I am ashamed of my actions."

"He is no longer your Captain, Commander," Pitts stated. "I am."

"Captain Kirk will _always_ be my Captain," Spock shot back as he turned to the door.

"Where are you going, Commander Spock?" Pike asked. He glanced toward to Captain Pitts to give him a warning to keep his mouth shut. He could see how emotional Spock had become, and he needed the Vulcan to keep it under control. Pitts was just making it worse.

Spock looked back. "I am going to find Jim."

"No, you're not. I don't need emotional officers making things worse. I need you here," Pike stated.

"Do not insult me. I am not easily controlled by my emotions as are humans." Spock stated, "I can control my emotions."

"Really?" Pitts asked, not caring for Pike's warning. "You don't seem to be doing a good job now or for the last few minutes." He paused, looking for some kind of reaction in his First Officer. "You allowed Kirk to suffer…Heck, you made it worse for him and then you have the nerve to call him important to you? Really? And you think you aren't controlled by your emotions. I find that hard to believe."

"Captain Pitts, that's enough!" Pike ordered, as he glared down the Captain. He didn't know how Spock was feeling but he knew that Pitts was pissing them both off. Yes, Spock's actions were horrendous and he was going to give the Vulcan a piece of his mind later, but that was _his_ job. Captain Pitts just needed to shut the hell up.

Pitts only spared him a glance. "I can only imagine why Kirk couldn't tell you. He seems to be a proud man who wouldn't want to look like a coward or a weakling in front of his crew. It was a captain thing to do as a captain cannot be weak." He paused as he studied Spock. "I find myself wondering what the rest of the crew and you were thinking. Why would they, especially you, treat him so negatively?"

"Captain Pitts, that's enough! Shut up or else. That's an order." Pike threatened, "This is not the time. There are more important things to worry about."

Spock stepped back to Captain Pitts but kept a good distance between them. "Admiral Pike is correct." He became very stiff which worried the Admiral. "Jim is the top priority." He crossed back to the door.

"Commander, stop," Pike stated. "I remember telling you that you're not going to look for Jim. If you must help, I can set you up with a monitor." He glanced toward Pitts, who met his eyes. He understood the warning.

"Is that an order?" Spock asked.

There was a look in Spock's eyes that Pike didn't like. "Would you listen if it was?" he asked.

Spock turned completely to him with his arms stiff at his sides. "No, I would not. If forced, I would immediately resign my post."

"You would give up everything for Jim?" Pike asked. "What about your future?" Pike would do the same thing as Spock if he could, but he still had to try to talk him out of it.

"Jim is my future, and I will do whatever it takes to get him back."

"Salean could have devised a trap for anyone that comes near him. Heck, we have no idea of where he is." Pike explained as he tried to reason with him. "We need to think logically about this."

"He will not deceive me." Spock turned to the door with his hands still clenched. "Dungau gla-tor nash-veh Salean taflau."

Pike hated when Spock spoke using the Vulcan language. He wished he had learned to speak it so he could understand what Spock had said, but with the tone alone he realized it couldn't be anything good. He knew he had to stop the Vulcan before he left, but he realized he couldn't stop him, especially after learning that Spock and Jim had been together in a relationship. He had to make sure Spock didn't do something that he would regret. "When you find Salean," he paused, knowing that Spock had a better shot than they did. "Just don't kill him."

"I will not kill him," Spock replied. It sounded strained as if he didn't want to promise it. Pike didn't push and allowed him to leave, not wanting to force him to resign. Starfleet needed both Spock and Jim, and in the end, Spock might be the only one who could find him.

After a few moments, Captain Pitts spoke, "Do you think that was wise?"

The older man was really getting on Pike's nerves. "I did not ask for your opinion, Captain. If I want your opinion, I'll ask for it," Pike stated, walking to the door.

"Understood."

"Good. Now go back to the event and pretend this conversation never happened."

"Admiral Pike..."

"Now, Captain."

"Yes, Sir," Pitts stated as he left

Admiral Pike went to look for Selek and ask him about what Spock had told him. He had a feeling that the young Vulcan might be getting himself in a lot of trouble.

* * *

McCoy's hands were cuffed in front of him, and there was a firm hand on each of his shoulders pushing him forward. His medical bag had been taken from him by Seleen, who held it close to his side. His blue medical shirt had been ripped off and tossed away, leaving him only in his blacks. A jacket had been thrown over his hands, hiding the cuffs. He knew the reasoning. His blue Starfleet shirt would make him stand out, and the handcuffs would draw attention to him. Seleen did not want that.

The second they had entered the transporter room, the thug held him still as Seleen blindfold him. The thug then guided him onto the transporter pad. Though he couldn't see or feel the thug and Seleen, he knew they were on the pad next to him. Seleen said something in his native language, which McCoy couldn't even begin to understand, and a second later, he could feel his himself being ripped apart. Oh, he hated beaming, but it was over a few seconds later, and he was whole again.

McCoy had been blindfolded before and two times stood out to him. One time was by his bitch of an ex-wife, who had tried to be romantic early in their relationship. At the time, he had thought it was cute, but now, he thought the whole thing had been extremely annoying. Because of that date, he had ended up in the hospital as he had tripped and rolled down a hill. She had just left him alone for two minutes. He had started to wonder if she had planned the whole damn thing. The second time was because of Jim, who had jumped out of nowhere and forced it on him. Jim, then guided him down the hallway to a surprise birthday party, but he didn't make it there in one piece. Jim kept accidentally walking him into walls leaving him with bruises the next day.

Though he did not like it this time as well, he didn't fall on his face or walk into any walls. Instead, he was able to focus on his surroundings, which would be helpful if he was to escape. If Jim was too badly injured to escape with him, he would bring back help even if it was the last thing he did.

They walked for about ten minutes on a dirt road before McCoy was forced into an old fashioned carriage. For twenty minutes, McCoy was forced to sit on the floor as they drove. It was the bumpiest ride of his life, and that was counting the time the _Enterprise_ was attacked while in warp drive. Then he was forced out of the carriage and dragged into some kind of building. He was led deep into the building in complete silence, which he was very grateful for as he had nothing to say to these idiots.

Without warning, the thug gave McCoy a hard shove forward, barely missing some kind of sharp object. He could feel his uniform get caught on it. McCoy, who literally bit his tongue, was able to gain control of himself before he fell to the ground. "What the hell!" he yelled. He could taste the blood in his mouth.

"Easy," Seleen ordered as grabbed McCoy. He harshly pulled the blindfold off McCoy. "We do not need the doctor injured as well."

"That would be important, Igits," McCoy muttered. He regretted it a second later as Seleen smacked him in the back of his head.

"We need you healthy, but I will not stand for your mouth."

"Alright," McCoy stated, knowing his mouth could get both Jim and himself in trouble.

"Good," Seleen stated. He turned around and looked back at the thug. "Stay here. I can handle the doctor from here." The thug nodded his head and turned back to the door.

Seleen was an arrogant son of a bitch, and McCoy would love to slap him outside of his head. Yes, compared to McCoy, the Dalenien had four times his own strength, but that didn't matter. McCoy would still love to slap the fool.

"Let's go," he stated as he grabbed McCoy by the upper arm and dragged him into one of the hallways connected to the large room. It wasn't long before they were joined by another Dalenien. "Salean, how is he?"

McCoy froze at the name, remembering it from Jim's file. He had never met Salean while docked at Dalenius as he was stuck on the _Enterprise_ the whole time, but he had heard of him. What he had learned gave him the chills and filled him with anger.

"Bad, father. I see you found the doctor," Salean stated, as he gave McCoy a look over. "I expected more." Salean was a Dalenien that stood roughly 6 foot 11 inches, with a beefy body and larger shoulders. His long jet black hair was tied in a low pony tail, which showed off his long funky ears. The top of his ears had two large points and his tribal earrings, much like the Terrain Native Americans, hung low on his ears. His nose looked like someone had cut off the tip. His skin was pure white, nearly transparent, and McCoy could almost see his organs through the light skin, but it was Salean's arms that drew McCoy's eyes. On each arm, Salean had scars that traveled all the way up his arms and disappeared under his robes. The scars were outlined in black and gold, making them stand out like he was proud of them. Knowing that Daleniens were a violent race, he probably got them in a battle.

"You're exactly how I pictured. A slime ball," McCoy muttered, regretting his mouth. Seleen had hit him again. This time with enough force to send him to the ground.

"You will watch your tongue, Human," Seleen snapped.

McCoy brought his handcuffed hands to his head as if to rub the spot where Seleen had hit him, but he couldn't reach it.

"Father, we need the doctor alive. Please refrain from hitting him hard as without him, James will die," Salean stated.

McCoy's head snapped up, hearing Jim's name. He hadn't seen Jim yet, so he had no idea how serious his current condition was, but if he had to judge by Salean's tone, it was bad. His heart started to race just thinking about it. In the back of his mind there was a part of him that wondered if he should save Jim, who wouldn't want to become a sex slave for this piece of filth. How could he subject Jim to that life? "I'm not going to save him for you to rape him to death, you ogre," McCoy stated, struggling to get to his feet. He readied himself to be hit again. "Who the hell do you think you are to do that to him?"

Not even a second later, McCoy was thrown against the wall by Salean. His large hand was wrapped around McCoy's neck, making it hard for the doctor to breathe. "I have claimed him, which means that I have every right. He's mine."

"H-He isn't an o-object. He c-can't be claimed." McCoy tried to pull the hand away from his neck, but it was impossible as he was a foot off the ground. "H-he doesn't w-want you. He w-will never w-want y-you. He wished y-you were d-dead," he stated, barely getting the words out. It was getting harder and to breathe, and he was beginning to panic.

"Salean," Seleen said calmly. "I believe you told me you needed him alive."

Salean glanced toward his father before dropping the doctor, who landed hard on the floor. "He needs to learn his place." It was clear that he was pissed.

"He does, but he is also needed alive."

McCoy's hands went to his neck as he glanced up at the two. He thought back to the hand imprint he had seen on Jim's neck and felt sick. He had only experienced a small bit of what Jim had gone through. _How did he make it through that?_ He wondered. He knew it had to do with Jim's overwhelming strength.

Salean glared down at McCoy. "James may not want me now, but he will. I will be everything to him soon."

"You don't know what love is." Oh god, McCoy wished Spock, with his Vulcan strength, were here so he could pound the asshole's face in. He would love to see the Vulcan kill the Dalenien, and he knew he would once he found them. No one touched Jim and got away with it when he was around. Spock was super protective of Jim and he didn't blame him, as the kid was always getting into trouble. "And Jim will never think of you like that," McCoy stated.

"Enough, Doctor," Seleen stated as he pulled McCoy to his feet. Even in his old age, Seleen still had the strength and body of a young man.

"We need to-" Salean started but was cut off by yelling. He turned back to the direction of the noise. "James," he muttered, taking off in the direction of the sound. He disappeared down the hallway.

McCoy only had a second to think before Seleen dragged him in the same direction. McCoy couldn't keep up with Seleen's full speed, so the glaring Dalenien slowed down. As they come upon the door, Seleen looked proper as ever, while McCoy was completely out of breath. It took him a few seconds to catch his breath. Seleen eyed him for a few seconds before he turned to the door. At the moment that Seleen opened it, someone let out a heart stopping, bloodcurdling scream, and McCoy recognized the owner of the sound, Jim. With no care for himself, he pushed his way passed Seleen and into the room.

Salean was trying to hold down a thrashing Jim, trying not to hurt him in the process. An alien he didn't recognize, who McCoy presumed was a doctor, was standing on the other side of the table. He had a hypo in one slimy hand, while he checked Jim's heartbeat with the other one. Blankets, which had covered Jim from head to toe, had fallen to the ground.

The sight before him was something he had never seen before. He had seen Jim beaten up and almost dead countless times as the damn idiot didn't have any sense of self survival. This time was different. He could barely recognize the man lying on the table in front of him. He was deathly pale, which made his bruises stand out so much more. The right side of his face was covered in dry blood, while the other side sported a large dark purple blue bruised eye. The black shirt that Jim had been wearing was ripped in multiple places and his skin, which was in different shades of purple and blue, was visible. Even from a distance, he could see that Jim had a broken rib.

McCoy took a few steps toward Jim, knowing damn sure that he just couldn't stand there and watch. It was killing him to see Jim in this much pain. "Take these off," he stated as he turned to Seleen. "I need to help Jim."

"You wish to help now?" Seleen asked. "I thought you did not want to help James."

McCoy felt himself growl. "I can't watch him die," he stated as he held his hands out to Seleen.

"You are a true friend, Doctor McCoy," Seleen stated as he took the cuffs off McCoy.

"No, I'm not. If I was, I would let him die," McCoy stated in a whisper as he grabbed his medical bag from Seleen's hand. By saving Jim, he was sentencing him to a life of misery. Seleen had heard him, but he didn't say anything. He watched as McCoy ran to Jim. "What the hell are you doing?" McCoy snapped as he looked over Jim's thrashing body. It was clear he was having difficult time breathing. They needed to relieve the pressure on Jim's lungs so he could breathe. "Can't you see he can't breathe?"

"Yes, I can see!" The alien doctor shot back in annoyance.

"I don't know about that." Exhaling, McCoy glanced back at the alien doctor and the hypo in his hand. He noticed the label on the hypo and yanked it out of his hand. "Jim's allergic to this, you Igit. How many times have you given him this Hypo?" he asked as he reached into his bag. "I need to know!"

Not answering, the alien doctor looked up at McCoy before looking back Salean who was glaring at him. "You give my James something that he is allergic to?" he hissed as he let go of Jim.

McCoy didn't like how he referred to Jim as his, but he didn't say anything. He had other things to worry about. "Don't kill him. I need him," he stated. Salean was going to kill the alien doctor, but McCoy couldn't let that happen. He needed help with Jim. He needed to know what else he had given him. "You can't really blame him as Jim is allergic to everything. I'm surprised he isn't allergic to water," He stated as hypoed Jim. The medication seemed to relieve some of Jim's pain, but he was still having trouble breathing. Dr. McCoy knew if he didn't fix the broken rib, it would kill Jim in a matter of minutes.

Salean glanced back toward McCoy before nodding. "I will not hurt him for now," he answered. McCoy put a hand on Jim, who seemed to relax under his touch. It didn't go unnoticed by Salean, who silently glared at McCoy.

However, the calm didn't last long as Jim started to convulse again.

* * *

Admiral Pike needed a break and he needed it now. Admiral Komack had given him an earful when he had learned that both Spock and Captain Pitts had been brought in. Komack had every right to be pissed as he had disobeyed a direct order, but when he had heard of McCoy's disappearance, he understood his actions. Now, they had no idea if McCoy had run off to search for Kirk or if he had been taken. Either way, it wasn't good.

Shaking his head, Pike took a deep breath as he looked at the report that one of the officers had handed him. They had searched eight different sections and there was still no sign of Jim, Seleen, or Salean. At this rate, they were never going to find Jim before it was too late.

He put the P.A.D.D. down when he heard the door to the observation room open. "Selek, have you found something?" he asked as he turned to the old Vulcan, who was holding a P.A.D.D. and a blue Starfleet shirt._ That's interesting,_ he thought as he looked at the shirt.

"I have." Selek answered, "Seleen has Dr. McCoy."

"How do you know?" Pike asked. Then after a few seconds, he spoke, "That's McCoy's, isn't?"

"It is," Selek answered. "I found it outside of the main hall. It appears to have been ripped from him." He held out the shirt for Pike to see.

Pike closed his eyes as he thought about everything that had happened. McCoy had suggested that they should bring in Spock, who was in the main hall. "He must have been on his way to see Spock and didn't make it."

"It would be wise to assume such an event occurred," Selek stated.

"I don't have to assume anything. I know he didn't reach Spock because I asked him."

Selek eyed him. "I thought Admiral Komack did not want young Spock to know?"

"I didn't have much of a choice," Pike stated. "McCoy was going to tell him." He thought back to what Spock had said and it worried him.

"Your Dr. McCoy is just as stubborn as my Dr. McCoy had been," Selek stated. There was a hint of a smile on his face.

"Stubborn people," Pike muttered. "You brought a P.A.D.D. Is there something you wanted to show me?"

"Yes," Selek replied. "I have pulled the video from outside of the main hall, which shows Seleen talking to Dr. McCoy. Unfortunately, there was no sound, so I am not able to clarify what was said." He passed the P.A.D.D. to Pike to watch. "It would be logical to assume that Seleen told Dr. McCoy that they have Jim."

"But why would they want McCoy?"

"Jim would not have gone willingly." Selek took a deep breath. "Jim would have killed himself before he let Salean touch him again. He told me so in our many communications."

"Jim has to be hurt, and they needed a doctor."

"It had to be a doctor who had knowledge of Jim's complete medical history. Jim has many special medical needs that other doctors would only remotely consider to be possible," Selek stated.

After watching the clip, Pike handed the P.A.D.D. back to Selek, who pocketed the device. "This isn't good, though it means they haven't left with Jim yet. Any idea of where they went?"

Selek took a step to the transparent aluminum window and stared down at the planet. "I have checked with the transporter room operator. Seleen had paid him for his silence, but I was able to get information from him. He transported an adult human male and two Daleniens down to the planet. He did confirm that the human was Dr. McCoy." He had a piece of paper in his hand. "This is the location of where they were transported."

"You did your Vulcan mind thing on him, didn't you?" Pike asked as he stepped beside Selek to take it.

"It is a Mind Meld," Selek corrected. "However, you would be correct."

"I'll send this to Commander Andrews," Pike stated. He took out his P.A.D.D. and sent the message to the Commander.

"Very well." Selek turned to the Admiral. "Where is young Spock? I checked the main hall, but he was not there."

Pike took a deep breath. "As soon as he heard about Jim, he went looking for him on his own against my advice."

"That was unwise of him. He is more hostile than I was at that age, and I am afraid of what he will do when he finds Salean."

"You think he will find him?"

Selek nodded. "When my Jim was still alive, there was nothing that could keep me from him, and I know this Spock is the same. He will find Jim, even if it is the last thing he does."

"He promised me he wouldn't kill him," Pike stated, annoyed. "But he also said something in Vulcan. I don't have the slightest clue what he said. Dun something. Maybe, Dunga. Then nash vah…I think. He said Salean's name… Then Talau. Or maybe, he said Tafu." He took a deep breath. "I don't know."

Selek looked at him with a worried expression on his face. "Did he say dungau gla-tor nash-veh Salean taflau?"

"You understood what I said?" Pike asked, astonished. How could anyone figure out the broken words he had spoken when he himself couldn't understand the language?

"So I am correct," Selek said. "This is not good."

"Why what does that mean?"

"If he had promised, then he will not kill Salean, but…" Selek drifted off.

"But what? What does that mean?" Pike asked.

"It would be wise that we find him. He might not mean to kill Salean, but if Jim is hurt, his promises will not mean anything," Selek answered as he walked to the door.

"Fuck," Pike stated. "This situation is getting worse by the minute." He didn't want to let Spock go, but there was no way to stop the Vulcan unless he locked him in the brig. Spock would never allow them to put him in the brig when Jim was in danger.

* * *

McCoy's head ached, and his neck hurt from the blows that he had received from Salean and Seleen. "Igits." He shook his head hoping it would help, only to bring more pain. He knew what would help, but he had no access to pain medication at the moment.

McCoy was once again handcuffed, but this time, his left hand was handcuffed to the table where Jim lay unconscious. Seleen wanted to keep them separated as he did not trust McCoy with good reason, but Salean wanted to keep the doctor close to Jim, in case he needed more medical attention. Salean knew with Dr. McCoy around the chances of Jim's survival increased.

"Jim," McCoy called, but Jim didn't move or respond. He knew Jim was out cold, but that didn't stop him from talking to the person who was once his best friend. "Jim, you just want to give me a heart attack, don't you?" He inquired as he took a look around the room. They were alone in the room to his joy, but he did wonder about the alien doctor. Salean had dragged the alien out of the room, while Seleen had handcuffed him to the table. He knew Salean had most likely killed him.

Shaking his head, McCoy looked down at the hypo in his hand. When he had gotten Jim stable, Seleen had taken the medical instruments from McCoy, including all of the hypos but the one that he had been able to hide in the rim of his pants. The contents of the hypo would kill Jim almost instantly, but McCoy hadn't decided if he wanted to use it yet. This wasn't an easy choice for him. How could he kill his best friend? But how could he allow Salean to continually rape Jim? He didn't know what he should do. He knew he was a dead man no matter what he decided to do.

"Jim," he stated as he moved closer to him. "I'm sorry. I hope you know that. I'm so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could protect you…" He exhaled slowly, knowing there was one thing he could do. "Maybe, this hypo is the answer." He closed his eyes. He knew there was a chance that they could be rescued, but didn't know if he could take that chance. "Or maybe, it's not." He hated choices, which was why he was a doctor and not a damn commanding officer.

"B-Bones."

McCoy blinked, as it was barely a whisper. "Jim, are you awake?" He stood up and looked him over. He put a hand to Jim's face and tapped him slightly on the cheek. "Jim."

"B-Bones," Jim muttered again.

He shook Jim's shoulder but he didn't stir. "He must be talking in his sleep." He grabbed Jim's hand and held it tightly.

"D-don't g-go."

"Don't worry, Kid," Bones told him. "I'm not going anywhere." Jim was talking in his sleep and probably couldn't hear him, but McCoy didn't care. "I'll be here to the very end." McCoy glanced down at the hypo. "I'm sorry, Jim, that I'm no help. I don't know what to do. Tell me what you want, please." He glanced toward the door, wondering how long they were going to leave him alone with Jim.

* * *

**Author note:** I hoped you enjoyed this. There wasn't much Spock action in this. He will be more involved in the next chapter, which will difficult to write in a sense. I know how the chapter is going to go; however, I am trying not to make Spock so OOC, but I think in stories like this that it will be harder than most as this story is all about emotions...

And for what Spock said, I am not going to tell you what it means just yet. :)

You guys got to see Salean in this chapter...As I wrote this chapter, I had to take a few days and decide what I wanted Salean to look. As I never really described what Daleniens looked like, I had to decided what he looked it, which was harder than I thought. I didn't want him to look too humanoid but I didn't want him to look (for lack of a better word) alien. I hope he fit what you guys pictured him.

Until next time whenever that will be. My poor laptop :( has died...


	18. Regretful Decisions

Hey all. Long time no see... I know. I have been working on this chapter for about three weeks now...

I hope it was worth the wait. Though to make up for it, I had make this chapter long... It is the longest chapter that I had ever wrote. Over 15,500 words. He he.

Special thanks to MoonstarWorld, who had edited this for me! :)

Anyhow, here you go.

* * *

**Chapter 18:**

**Regretful Decisions**

* * *

Jim's eyelids felt like they weighed a ton and he couldn't open his eyes for more than a second. When he was able to open them, he couldn't make anything out. Everything was fuzzy. He wasn't in pain anymore, which was something that he was glad about; however, his body wouldn't respond to his commands. He could barely feel his body. In fact, he had a sensation that he was floating in some kind of liquid that felt like blood.

Even on the edge of unconsciousness and unable to see, he knew someone had their hand on his. His heart started to beat a million miles per hour because there was only one person who would hold his hand like that and it made him sick. The very thought of Salean touching him made him want to crawl in a hole and die. Jim didn't know what he would do if Salean raped him again. He knew he wouldn't survive it.

He was really regretting that decision to jump out of the car; he should have gone over that cliff. If he did, he wouldn't be in this mess. He would be free from everything… free all of this pain and suffering, because there would be no other way to be free. Even if he did escape from this mess, he would still be trapped in the memories and the pain. He would be still haunted by Salean's face for the rest of his life. He would always have the fear that Salean would take him again and again, and would never be free of that Dalenien. He was too weak live with the fear.

"Jim, relax." The voice startled Jim, because it did not belong to Salean. "You need to calm down. We need to keep your heart rate down." The man paused. "I'm not going anywhere."

As he was trying to obey the voice, Jim's mind wandered back to the hand on his. This hand was too rough to be Salean or his father, who had smooth hands. It also had hair, and neither Dalenien had hairy hands.

"I won't leave you."

The voice sounded familiar. He knew it from somewhere.

"Jim, you have to calm down. Your heart rate is too high."

It also had a familiar accent.

The man's hand left Jim's and travelled to his face. He patted Jim's cheek. "Are you listening?" There was a chuckle. "You never listen to me. Okay, you never listen to anyone."

It was in that second that Jim realized who it was. "B-b," he stated, trying to speak, but his throat was too dry. His lips were cracked and bled each time he spoke. "B-Bones," he muttered through the pain.

"Yeah, Jim. It's me." McCoy's hand left his face and squeezed his shoulder in a sign of support.

Jim could only open his eyes for a split second, yet he was still able to make out a form. Though it was an only a blur, he knew it was McCoy. Why was he here? Jim didn't understand why McCoy was here. Were they safe? Or worse, did Salean get McCoy too? He knew it had to be the latter, as he was injured and needed someone to fix him. "D-don't…" He trailed off unable to speak. It was probably for the best as he wanted to tell McCoy to stay, and if he stayed, it would be a death sentence for him. He couldn't allow that to happen to his best friend…yes, his best friend, even if he wanted to punch his face in. McCoy couldn't die because of him. He was torn between telling him to go and leave him and telling him not to go and stay with him. He was positive that he would lose all sense of his identity and would need Bones here to remind him of that. "G-go," he verbalized as he tried to tell him to go. He couldn't be selfish.

"Relax, Igit. I'm not going anywhere." Though Jim couldn't see or move his head, he could tell that Bones had taken a seat next to him. "Besides it is not like I could if I wanted to," he stated with a chuckle. He rattled something that sounded like chains. "They handcuffed me to the table."

Jim wanted to tell him to pick the lock. It was a losing battle as he was drafting back into unconsciousness, and didn't have the strength to tell his best friend that as he was a fucking coward and didn't want to be alone. It seemed like he would always be the coward that everyone accused him of being.

"Rest, Jim," McCoy stated, knowing him well. "I know you're fighting to stay awake but you need to rest. Once, you are rested, we can escape."

Jim wanted to tell McCoy that he was kidding himself because there was no escaping from Salean. That beast would do anything to keep Jim his prisoner. This situation was proof of it. The only real escape would be death, but Jim would never ask that of Bones, even if he knew the doctor would do that for him. He would never put that burden on McCoy.

*O*O*

* * *

Jim did not know what to do, except going back in time and changing everything, but he couldn't do that. There was nothing that he could do and he refused to accept that. He wouldn't be James T. Kirk, who could succeed at everything if he believed in no-win scenarios, but this time was different. He couldn't win this time no matter what he did. If he gave in to these emotions, emotions that he didn't quite understand, he would lose, because love had always bitten him in the ass. He refused to allow himself to be hurt like that. However, if he didn't, he wouldn't be the only one hurting. He could lose the best damn First Officer in the fleet if he told him no. Why couldn't he just stay together with Uhura? None of this would be happening if Spock did.

Shaking his head, he crossed to the duffel bag on his bed. He was packing for a well-deserved shore leave, which would give him space from his First Officer, who had been eyeing him from a distance. Even from afar, Jim could see the Vulcan fighting with himself to stay away, and it was killing them both. Jim knew Spock wanted to talk to him about the other day in the gym, but they both knew cornering Jim Kirk wouldn't end well. Spock had already tried and failed. They both knew he had to let Jim come to him, which was something Jim was trying to resist.

Swinging the duffel bag over his shoulder, he turned to move to the door, but it opened just as he was about to leave. "Bones," he stated surprised. "I thought I told you I meet you planet side."

McCoy gave him a question look. "Yea, I got that message."

"Then why are you here?"

"I wanted to talk."

"We can talk later," Jim stated as he wanted to get off the _Enterprise_ as soon as possible. He doubted Spock's ability to stay away and he needed some time to think.

McCoy crossed to the bed and sat down. "You know I don't like the hobgoblin, right?"

"I know. You say it twenty times a day," Jim stated, eyeing McCoy. Something was up with his best friend. "So?"

The Doctor took a deep breath. "I don't like seeing you this way."

"Seeing me like what? And what the hell are you talking about?" Jim had no idea what was going on. First, he brought up Spock and now he was asking if he was okay. "I'm fine."

"Just try it, Jim."

"Try what?"

"A relationship with him."

The simple statement took the air out of his lungs. "No, Bones," Jim stated. He could have played dumb, but he wouldn't insult McCoy that way.

"Why not? I see how you feel about him and I hate seeing the Robot acting like a love sick puppy." McCoy shook his head. "I can't believe I'm trying to help that Vulcan." He stared into Jim's eyes, glaring. "Look at what you're making me do!"

Jim exhaled slowly. "He'll get over it eventually. It takes people some time to get over the famous Jim Kirk," he stated with a smile.

McCoy pushed himself up. "I don't doubt that. The question is; how will you get over him?"

"I thought I told you that I don't like him like that."

"Who are you trying to kid, Kid?" McCoy asked, eyeing him with that strange knowing look. "I know what happened in the gym."

Jim's heart started to beat rapidly. "Who said something happened in the gym?" He didn't think Spock would tell him, right? They didn't even like each other.

Not answering him, McCoy said, "You like to put me in awkward positions." He took a deep breath. "Why won't you let yourself be happy?"

"Nothing happened in the gym." Jim lied, "And I am happy."

"Jim."

"I have to go," Jim responded quickly. "My shore leave is ticking." He tried to put on a smile. He didn't need love in his life as long as he had the _Enterprise_ as the ship brought him all the happiness that he needed. Besides, he enjoyed being single. Though it made him sound slutty, he enjoyed being able to sleep around.

"Jim," McCoy called again. Jim didn't listen and couldn't get out of the room fast enough.

*O*O*

This wasn't where Jim thought he would be when he set out this night. This was the last thing that he expected. When he started the day out, he had fun plans in mind, which involved alcohol and a few other activities.

Wanting to have some fun without the nagging Doctor or his protective crew, he had gone out to a bar by himself, and didn't plan on going back to his hotel room alone. He knew what he wanted and needed to do. He wanted and needed to get a certain First Officer off his mind and that would involve a beautiful woman. It didn't take him long to find a hot humanoid alien, and he didn't care that she had a tail or purple skin. It also didn't take long for him to talk her into coming back to his room with him.

The second the door to his hotel room was closed behind him, he had the alien woman pinned against the wall and was lining kisses down her neck. He knew she could easily overpower him with her alien strength, but she allowed him to take control. He kissed her hard as he tried to force to the thoughts of Spock out of his mind. Why in the hell would he be thinking of him when he was about to have sex with a beautiful alien woman? It was pissing him off.

Jim, using all of his skill, was able to get her on the bed with her shirt and pants off. Not long after that, his shirt and pants were off, leaving him only in his boxers. Starting from her lips, he kissed her all the way down to her legs. She groaned and complained that he was taking too long. She didn't want foreplay; she wanted him now. He wanted to get it to her. Oh god, he wanted to give it to her, but there was a huge problem.

From the time that he pinned her to the wall to just then, he had been trying his hardest to become hard, but his pride and joy was floppy. He had no idea of why he couldn't get hard. Sure, he knew alcohol could inhibit one's ability to perform, but he hadn't had that much to drink. Plus, he had drunk way more in previous encounters and had been able to get hard then. He didn't understand why he couldn't now. This alien woman was probably one of the most beautiful women that he had ever seen. So why couldn't he? This had never happened to him before…

What was he supposed to do? Tell her about it? Keep trying? He was hoping he could hide the fact, but she wanted him inside her right then. She wouldn't wait… So, he had to tell her.

When she found out about his little issue, throwing a fit would have been an understatement. After shoving him hard, she jumped off the bed that very second and begin cursing in her native language at Jim, who couldn't care less if he tried. He didn't care that she was throwing his clothes in his face, distracted only a tiny bit when the belt buckle on his jeans slashed his left check. Even with blood dripping down his face, his thoughts were on that stupid Vulcan, who haunted his every thought. Why could he just leave him alone? Why did he have to be thinking about him every second? How can he move on if _he_ couldn't let him?

Only wearing boxers, Jim looked up from his spot on the bed and watched the woman pick up her clothes. He had to give it to her as she had the most remarkable eyes he had ever seen. He would have loved to see them during intercourse as they changed colors with her mood. Right now, they were glaring at him in a bright red color that matched the color of his blood. She still cursed at him while she got dressed. Her tail whipped around with her anger. He wasn't sure what to say to her, and doubted that any words would help.

She glared at him one last time as she slammed the door behind her. Jim could hear her yelling as she walked away.

"What's wrong with me?" he asked himself as he used his gray t-shirt to wipe his bloody check. Dropping the shirt, he allowed gravity to take over as he fell back on the bed. He stared hard at the ceiling, thinking. This was where he lay for next few hours.

"Stupid Spock," Jim muttered. A thought passed through his mind and it popped him right up. "He stated that I was his now and that no one else was allowed to touch me." His fists balled. "He probably did something to me when he kissed me!" That pissed him off. He was going to give that Vulcan a piece of his mind. First, he cornered and kissed him, then he used his mind voodoo to make it impossible for him to get Spock off his mind, and finally, he made it impossible for him to get hard with an attractive woman. Jim refused to believe the next thing that popped in his mind: he wanted to be in a relationship with Spock.

In fit of denial and rage, Jim jumped to his feet, quickly dressed, and headed toward the transporter. He didn't care that half of his face was covered in blood or that there was dried blood on his gray shirt. He was on a mission. He was going to punch Spock's face in.

*O*O*

* * *

There were so many things running through the half Vulcan's mind, and there was nothing that he could do to rid himself of them. He was a failure in every sense of the word. He had failed as a First Officer as he didn't notice his Captain was hurt. He had failed as a friend as he didn't see his friend needed him. He had failed as a lover as he couldn't see his beloved was suffering. He didn't deserve Jim. After all of this was over and he had saved him, Spock would let Jim go like he wanted. He would not be able to stand at a distance and watch like he had told Nyota. It would break him, but he was going to let him go.

However, before he would let Jim go, he was going to make sure Jim was safe and protected, and he was going to kill Salean, as that would be the only way he could ensure Jim's safety. The Dalenien would face all of his Vulcan and human rage, his Vulcan pacifist ways be damned. He had hurt _his_ Jim; he was hurting _his _Jim at this very second. He was the reason why he was losing Jim, and he would make him pay for that.

The first goal on his list was to find Jim. He was able to 'convince' the transporter room operator to tell him where he sent the Doctor and Seleen. From the beginning, a simple mind meld would have worked in obtaining the information from the operator, but Spock, Vulcan rage beginning to take over, had no interest in easy. This man had helped Seleen and Salean take McCoy. There was also no doubt that he had also helped them take Jim and that was an unforgiveable act in his mind. After the operator was thoroughly sorry, Spock used the mind meld to obtain the information. The operator knew more than Spock had expected.

After being transported down to the exact location that Seleen, his guard, and McCoy were transported to, Spock located tracks and realized the group had used some kind of animal pulled carriage. Though there was an attempt to cover up the tracks, the Science Officer had no trouble following them.

He narrowed his eyes in the direction that the tracks went off in. He had to hurry, because there was no telling what they were doing to Jim, though he knew that it couldn't be anything good. They would not have needed McCoy if Jim was well. Spock had to give it to McCoy, because without the Doctor getting abducted, he wouldn't have come this close to finding his Jim.

Trying to clear his mind, Spock closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. He tried not to think of punishment that he would give Salean and Seleen for hurting his Jim again. He needed to focus on saving Jim.

*O*O*

* * *

After convincing Admiral Komack, Admiral Pike had brought Chekov and Scott into the group. He knew that they would be able to help track Spock, who would be close to finding Jim, as long as the Vulcan kept a communicator on him. Pike knew there were ways to block a communicator signal, making it untraceable. Spock would most likely have disguised the signal, so no one would stop from punishing Salean as he saw fit. This was why he brought in the two _Enterprise_ officers because they could play a key part in tracing the signal and finding Spock. They had to find the Vulcan before he did something stupid.

Chekov and Scotty, who both were stationed in the temporary base in Jim's quarters, wanted to come with Pike and Selek. Pike ruled that out knowing they would do more good in the base. He had wanted Selek to stay behind with them, but the old Vulcan would not hear of it. There was no fighting Selek, who even in his old age could take him with one arm behind his back. Pike allowed him to beam down with the search team. All of them had questions and concerns about Pike coming on this search because of his current disability, but he wasn't going to let the search team go without him. Jim was a pain in the ass, but he was _his _pain in the ass and he would do anything for him.

Once on the ground, Pike looked around to make sure everything was ready. Komack had asked if they wanted a vehicle, but Pike had turned him down at the advice of Selek, who stated it would be easier to track him on foot as the terrain would not allow for a vehicle. Instead, Selek suggested that they bring along five red shirts, all heavily armed. In the back of his mind he wondered if it would be enough to take on Salean and Seleen, who were both stronger than all of them.

Flipping his communicator open, he radioed Chekov. "Have you been able to track Commander Spock?" he asked. He could see many different tracks in the dirt.

"Sir, Kommander Spock is fiwe clicks southvest of your location and he's moving fast," came the Russian's reply.

"Thank you Chekov," Pike responded. His Russian accent was easy to understand as he spoke slowly.

"No problem." There was some hesitation in Chekov voice. "Vill you be alright, Sir?"

Pike knew what Chekov was referring to. Though he was in shape, he wasn't a young man anymore. His mobility was still hampered from his encounter with Nero. He didn't have the stamina or energy to keep up with the younger officers, but he wasn't going to let it stop him. "I'll be fine," he replied. "Pike out," he stated. He clicked the communicator closed and turned to the group. "Let's get going."

*O*O*

* * *

Jim didn't remember to put his shoes on when he bolted out of the room and had to run back to his room for them. He ran the entire way from his hotel room to the transporter room. By the time Jim beamed aboard the _Enterprise,_ he was completely out of breath, and shocked the transporter room operator when he appeared on the transporter pad in a frantic state, dressed in his civilian clothes.

His anger was clearly present on his face. "Where's Commander Spock?" Jim demanded from the engineer behind the control panel. If he had been calmer, he might have remembered the Ensign's name, but at the moment the only thing on his mind was Spock.

"Captain, are you okay?" he asked, worry clearly present in his voice. His eyes traveled from Jim's cheek to his shirt. "Doctor McCoy's not on board, but there are other doctors who can assist you, Sir."

"I don't need a doctor." He paused to catch his breath. His hands rested on his waist as his muscles were in a state of protest. "Where's the Commander?" he asked again. After he had regained some of his breath, he stepped off the transporter pad.

"He should be in his quarters as he has just gotten off his shift, but Sir, may I escort you to the sick bay?" he asked.

Jim narrowed his eyes. He could see fear in the Ensign's eyes, but he wasn't sure if he was frightened of him or for him. He had no idea why the officer would be either of those things. Why would he need to go to sickbay? "No, get back to your post," he ordered.

"Yes, Sir."

If Jim was in a caring mood, he might have felt sorry for the Ensign as he looked like Jim had kicked his puppy. This time, he had one goal in mind: finding Spock. Without another word, Jim dashed out of the room and in the direction of Spock's quarters. During the sprint, he had noticed a few looks and stares but didn't put too much thought into them as he knew he must have looked like an idiot running through the halls with his head cut off. He was supposed to be on a shore leave.

When he arrived at Spock's quarters, Jim didn't buzz or alert his First Officer to his presence and barged in, using his override codes. He didn't care that he was probably breaking some kind of regulation, because this wasn't Starfleet related and Spock was not in danger. He didn't care if he got into trouble over this, and doubted that Spock would report him for the incident … Or he hoped so. Besides, the Vulcan started this war first, when he cornered Jim in the gym.

It took Jim a few steps into the room for him to notice that Spock wasn't the only one in the room. Sitting at the desk was Uhura, who was looking at him as if he was going to fall over dead any second. Balling his fists, he tried to control his anger at seeing _her_ in his room. Why in the hell was she in his room _alone_? She didn't need to be in his room. And why did he care? _Because you like him more than you're letting on,_ he told himself. _You wouldn't have kissed him back if you didn't._ He knew he was screwed because there was no denying the truth, but he wasn't going to act on it.

"Captain Kirk, are you okay?" Uhura asked, jumping to her feet. He could hear the uneasiness in her voice.

"I'm fine," Jim snapped. He came here for a reason. This Vulcan had ruined him.

"Captain," Spock stated. "What happened? Were you attacked?"

The voice annoyed the hell out of him. "I'm fine," he stated through his teeth. "You're an asshole, you know that!"

Spock's eyebrow rose. "I do not understand how I am an 'asshole' but that is not important at this time. We need to escort you to the sick bay." His eyes drifted to Jim's check.

"You ruined me, you know!" Jim stated, pointing his figure at Spock. "RUINED ME!"

"Captain Kirk, are you drunk?" Uhura asked, drawing Jim's attention.

"I am not!" Jim protested.

"He does appear to be intoxicated," Spock stepping closer to him.

"I'm not."

"C'mon, Kirk, who are you kidding? If you won't go to sickbay, let's get you to bed," Uhura stated as she moved to him. She reached out for his hand, but he pushed her hand away.

"I want to say this," he stated, turning to Spock. He took a deep breath. "I don't know who the hell you think you are or what the hell you think you know." He took a deep breath. "You aren't special and you know jack shit." Jim had wanted to yell at him for destroying his sex life and haunting his every thought but he didn't want to admit that in front of Uhura. It was embarrassing enough. Seriously, how could he not get hard? "I don't want you. I'll never want to be in a fucking relationship with you. Why in the hell would I want to be tied down to a stick in the mud? A know it all? What happened in the gym was a fucking mistake. A mistake, Spock."

Spock's posture never changed, standing as stiff as ever. "Jim…"

Jim tried to tell himself that he was imagining the flash of pain in Spock's eyes. He tried to tell himself that he was doing the best thing that he could do for Spock, as being in a relationship with him would be pretty damn stupid. Why would Spock want to be in a relationship with him in the first place? He was a player who didn't know what love really was, and it would just end badly for the both of them. The bigger question was why did he want to be in a relationship with his First Officer? He hated relationships with a passion, and he really didn't understand them. "Just stay out my personal life, Spock," he stated as he turned to the door. "We're never going to happen! I can barely stand you now. You th-"

"Kirk, enough," Uhura demanded. The look in her eyes was deadly. "If you're just going to be an ass, just get out."

He gave Uhura his "I'm the captain" look making her back down. Though he felt like an asshole, this was what he wanted. Maybe, if he convinced Spock that being in a relationship with him would be a mistake, he could move on, and be with someone else. _But you know he won't,_ Jim thought to himself as he walked to the door. He remembered the conversion that he had overheard. All of the sudden he felt sick to his stomach. "Just keep that in mind," he said as he left.

Feeling like shit, he didn't pay any attention to the things around him, too focused on how horrible he felt. Not only did he feel like he had killed a puppy, he felt like he lost a part of his soul. He didn't understand why this was hitting him so hard. Although he wasn't happy that he had feelings for the Vulcan, he didn't understand why they were so strong. He just realized his feelings, so how could they go so deep? It scared the hell out of him, because he had never felt anything so strong before. Making Spock hate him wasn't just to protect the Vulcan, it was to protect himself. He refused to admit his fear to anyone.

Shaking his head, Jim entered the transporter room. To stop himself from doing something very stupid, he needed to get off this ship right now. He needed to get away as fast as transporter would allow.

"Ensign, one to beam down," Jim stated, as he glanced toward the Engineer, who still looked frightened.

"Yes, Sir," the Ensign responded, shakily, as he started to type away.

Just as Jim stepped onto the pad, the door to the room opened revealing Spock. Jim had to do a double take as he didn't expect his First Officer to come after him. "Please excuse us, Ensign Morris. I have to speak with the Captain." He only eyed the Ensign for a brief second before studying Jim's shirt.

_What's with everyone looking at my shirt!_ He thought. There wasn't anything special about it. _Haven't they seen me in a tight T-shirt before? _"There's nothing to talk about, Commander," Jim stated. Why in the hell did he want to speak to him? "I'm ready, Ensign Morris." He was slightly annoyed that Spock knew the Ensign's name when he, as the Captain, was supposed to remember the names of everyone on his ship.

"Leave, Ensign," Spock ordered. His eyes never left Jim.

Jim narrowed his eyes. "Disregard the Commander. Sometimes he forgets his place. I'm ready, Morris."

"Sir," Morris stated. Fear was clearly presented in his eyes and Jim didn't blame him as they were both putting him in a very awkward place.

"I am the Captain of this Ship and I outrank the Commander," Jim stated, glaring. "You will listen to me. Get behind panel and let's go."

"As of right now, Captain, you are on shore leave, which makes me the Acting Captain," was Spock replied. "_I _am in charge of the _Enterprise _at this time." Jim could hear the stress on the word I.

Ensign Morris didn't say anything but he kept glancing between the two as he didn't know who to listen to.

Why the hell would Spock want to speak to him after that conversion in his quarters? He thought he had made himself clear. "Morris, leave us for few minutes." It would be better to get this over with and he didn't want to put the Ensign in the crossfire.

Morris left without another word, leaving Spock and Kirk alone in the transporter room.

"I thought I was clear, Spock," Jim stated from the pad. "Why did you follow me?"

"You are injured."

"Why does everyone think I am injured? I'm _fine_! If that is all, Commander, I will be leaving." Jim turned facing the back of the transporter.

"You are covered with blood."

Jim glanced down. He had forgotten that he had used his shirt to wipe his face. "Oh," he stated, noticing the bottom left side of his shirt. "I cut my cheek and I wiped my face with my shirt," he shrugged, understanding all of the looks and concern from his crew. "It's nothing major."

"I must contest. If I am to judge by the amount of blood on your garment and face, the graze is more serious than you are revealing. Please, come with me to the sick bay," Spock asked.

"When I get back to my hotel, I'll let Bones look at it," Jim replied, lying. He wasn't going to see a doctor about a tiny cut and just wanted to get off the ship.

"I do not believe you will, Jim."

Jim turned around and glanced at Spock. "I thought I told you that you didn't know me." He had seen the pained look on Spock's face before, and now he couldn't see it.

Spock took a few seconds toward Jim. "How did you get the cut, Jim?"

"Why do you care?" he asked. He really didn't want to admit the reason to Spock. "Why are you even here?"

"You are injured. I will not leave my Captain when he is injured." He paused as he looked Jim over. "I would also like to know why you think I have ruined you as I do not understand how I have done so."

The real reason why Jim gone to Spock's quarters was to yell at him, but it was too hard to do because it meant he would have to admit the truth. He wanted to make the Vulcan hate him, even if it would do more damage than good. "Spock," he uttered. "I-"

"I desire honesty," Spock demanded. "What you stated in my quarters was a lie, and I did not appreciate it." His voice was harsh and demanding.

Jim's eye twitched. "How would you know that?"

His Vulcan First Officer took another step toward him. "When we kissed, I felt everything, Jim. I felt how much you cared. I felt how much you wanted me. I felt how much it scared you. I understand why, Jim, but I promise that I will not hurt you."

Jim hated promises as he had not met one person who could keep one. "Don't promise me anything," he demanded. "All relationships end."

"Jim, not all relationships end."

"This one will, trust me."

"Maybe, you are the one who should trust me. We are T'hy'la. You do not understand what that means." There was _that word_ that Jim didn't understand.

"Yea, you're right. I don't know what it means." He didn't understand why Spock kept repeating that word when he didn't explain its meaning. "Just go, Spock. You have ruined me, and there is nothing else to say."

Spock's eyebrow rose. "Please tell me how I have ruined you?"

Jim's cheeks reddened as he thought about it. Seriously, she was breathtaking and there were so many things he wanted to do with her.

"Jim, how have I ruined you?" he repeated.

"I was with this beautiful woman," Jim started, noticing Spock's shoulder tense. "We were in my-"

"I do not wish to hear about your sexual exploits."

"You said you wanted to know," Jim stated._ Is he jealous? Is he even able to feel jealous?_ Jim asked himself. He had never seen Spock's jealousy, granted he had only seen the Vulcan either stiff or angry. He didn't know what to make of it. "I didn't have sex with her, even though I really fucking wanted to. I couldn't get you out of my mind and was unable get it on with her." Jim motioned to his groin. "God, I wanted to."

Spock looked at him. "You were not able to achieve an erection?"

His face reddened at Spock's sentence. "I bet you enjoy that," Jim stated bitterly. His arms were folded across his chest in annoyance. "Me limp."

"Though I do not enjoy your discomfort, I…" He paused for a second. "…do delight in the fact that you were unable to achieve an erection with anyone that was not I. I do not want you to be intimate with anyone who is not I." He took a few more steps toward Jim, trapping him on the pad.

Spock's voice was deep and…_ Shit,_ Jim cursed. What the hell what wrong with him? Really, his penis wanted to come alive now, when he didn't want it to? Spock couldn't see him like this. "It does not change anything." He could imagine what it would be like to have sex with the Vulcan. His long fingers touching him, making him grovel and beg, as Jim was pinned to bed by his Vulcan's strength.

"I see you are 'turned on' as we speak, Jim." Was that a smile on the Vulcan's face?

"So?" Jim tried, but couldn't play it off. It was getting very uncomfortable standing there in his tight jeans.

"I take great joy in seeing you like this," he stated as he cornered Jim. "Why do you protest the truth? Let yourself have happiness."

"I think you are taking too much joy in this," Jim stated as he tried to adjust himself without being obvious, yet it was clear that Spock had noticed.

"I am."

Jim closed his eyes, knowing that he was fighting a losing battle. He knew this was going happen at one point and time, no matter what he did. Both his body and heart was working against his mind. "Fine, you win." He might as well give in and enjoy it, because it was killing him to fight it. "But if either of us feels like this thing between us is dying or anything, we _will _end it, so we can still be friends after." Though he hoped it would never end, he had to think about a possible ending. He had never been friends with any of his exs, but if Uhura and Spock could do it, he could. "We can't let this hurt the ship."

"If it does and we find we cannot work with each other, I will resign, but this will not happen. You are my T'hy'la."

"Will you tell me what that is?" Jim asked as he closed the distance between them. "And no, you won't resign." That was the last thing that he wanted. He would resign before he would allow Spock to.

"When the time is right," Spock asked. He wrapped an arm round Jim as if he was afraid that Jim would change his mind. He placed a kiss on Jim's forehead. "And you are correct. I will not resign as this will last."

Though Jim didn't have blind faith like he did, he was going to go with it. "Just kiss me, Commander," Jim ordered.

"Very well, Captain," Spock answered, kissing Jim hard. After a few minutes of kissing, Spock released him. "You are still on shore leave." He did not move from Jim's side. "Do you still wish to leave or do you wish to stay onboard with me?" He had stressed the word me.

"If-" Jim started to speak, but he thought he had heard something. Was someone calling his name? He looked around but he didn't see anything besides Spock, who was eyeing him. "If I don't get back, Bones will notice," he spoke.

Spock looked him over. His eyes paused over Jim's groin, which Jim had noticed. "I am sure he would not mind. If you need me to speak to him, I can."

_Jim. Jim. _There it was again, someone was calling his name. Was it just in his mind? It had to be because Spock didn't seem to hear it. "No, I'm good," Jim stated. A part of him wanted to stay on the ship with Spock and test this new relationship of theirs, but he didn't want to go that fast. He still had his doubts. "Can you beam me down? I think we scared Morris away."

_Jim. Buddy, are you there?_ What was going on with him? Was he going crazy?

"Do you not wish to relieve your erection?" Spock asked. His voice was thick and heavy.

Jim laughed. "I thought Vulcans didn't do the whole sex thing." Though he hadn't put too much thought into Spock's sex or love life, he did wonder about the state of Uhura and Spock's relationship.

"Sex is vital to all life. Though Vulcans do not perform acts for pleasure, they do engage in sexual intercourse. It is not as frequent as Humans do," Spock stated, uncomfortable.

Jim let out a chuckle, but it didn't last long as that voice in his head was back. _Jim. Jim. _Shaking his head, he spoke to Spock. "And you are willing to help with this?" He glanced down.

"I am half human," he stated, pinning Jim against the wall. His hand was traveling south. "I want you. I want you every second of every day."

After placing a light kiss on Spock's lips, he rested his forehead against Spock's. "Let's take this slow, Spock." He couldn't believe that said that. He wanted to take this slow? This wasn't normal for him, but if he wanted to make this work, he would need to. "I'll take a cold shower when I get back."

"Understood," Spock stated, taking a step back. "Just as long as no one else touches you."

"Geez, Spock. You're possessive." Jim let out a chuckle.

"I will not share you with others."

"What if I take care of it myself?" Jim joked. He could see the wheels in Spock's head, and he admitted to himself that he loved it. "Just me in the shower, touching myself."

Spock took a small step toward Jim, staring as if he was the most precious thing in the universe. "You are testing my control." His eyes scanned Jim, and the Captain could see the hunger in the Vulcan's eyes. "If you desire to take our relationship slow, I would suggest not making comments like that. Though I have patience, if you keep teasing me, I will not be able control my cravings for you. I have waited an extensive period of time for you."

"Spock," he muttered. The Vulcan knew how to get to him and if he kept talking like that, Jim might just jump him.

His First Officer stared at him, as if he was afraid of letting him go. "I am hesitant to let you go, Jim." He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Though it is an irrational emotion that I do not care for, I am afraid. I am afraid to let you go as you might change your mind." There was another long pause. "I would not be able to endure it if you did."

Jim took a deep breath, wondering if he had made the right choice. He had already hurt Spock by rejecting him before. Now, the Vulcan was afraid that Jim would do it again. If he wanted this and he did, he needed to fix that. _You are already ruining this. _"You don't need to worry. I'm yours." He would try his best at this relationship.

"I am glad," he stated as he touched Jim's fingers with his own before he stepped off the pad. He crossed to the control panel and started to type in the coordinates. "Are you ready?"

_Jim._ Jim shook his head. _Wake up! _"I'm ready."

"Very well."

There was a look in Spock's eyes that Jim could just melt in. He could get use to that look, the look that he was worth something to someone.

*O*O*

* * *

McCoy still had the death hypo in his hand, and with each time Salean came in the room to check on Jim, the urge to use it grew. The look in the Dalenien's eyes made him want to both puke and punch Salean's lights out, not that he would do either of those things. McCoy, who had not eaten since he had departed from the _Enterprise,_ had nothing in his stomach to throw up, and Salean was way too strong for Leonard to really hurt him. He was just an ant for Salean to step on, and he would step on McCoy, when he was on longer needed.

Wanting to get his mind off Salean, Leonard turned to Jim and watched his unconscious form. Jim's eyes fluttered, which signaled that he was now semi consciousness and not as deep in his mind as before. It was a good sign, but it worried McCoy for a few reasons. One, the longer Jim stayed unconsciousness, no matter how close to the surface he was, the less likely he would wake up. As some of Jim's injuries had been healed, he should have already woken. He was still badly dehydrated and there was a risk of internal bleeding. And two, if he did wake up, he would have to face Salean and Leonard didn't know if Jim would be able to take that.

"Jim," he called, as he stared at Jim's slow moving chest. It was killing him that he was one of the reasons why Jim was here. He blamed himself, because he had turned on his best friend, when he needed him. If he hadn't done it, Jim might not have left and he might have even told them what had happened. He wouldn't have been vulnerable. Jim would have been protected and Salean wouldn't have been able to get him.

"I'm sorry," McCoy stated for the thousandth time; however, he knew no matter how many times he said it, it wouldn't change anything. To fix this mess, he needed to do something that mattered.

He played with the hypo, popping the cap off and on, as he tried to think of a way out of this place. If he wasn't able to get them both out of this hellhole, did he really want to use the hypo on his best friend? There was a chance that they would be saved, because Spock would do anything to save them… But what if he couldn't save them? McCoy took a deep breath. He told himself that he had to do it and he would if they weren't saved soon. If they got off this planet, he would use it. The likelihood of them being found after Salean had taken them off planet would be very low.

Hearing the door to the room open, the Doctor hid the hypo up his sleeve. "Salean," he agreed, knowing that it would be better to treat him nicely. McCoy had enough bruises from Salean and he couldn't help Jim if he Salean kept hurting him for being disrespectful. "Nothing has changed."

Salean nodded at McCoy as he crossed to Jim. He reached out to touch Jim, but he retracted his hand just before touching him. Instead, he stared at Jim's pale lips.

McCoy was grateful that Salean didn't touch Jim. The last time he did, Kirk had gone into a cardiac arrest and he barely got him back. There was a part of him that wished he had let Jim die, but he couldn't watch his friend die in such pain. With the hypo, it would be a quick death. "What do you plan on doing?" McCoy asked after a few minutes of silence. "We can't stay here." He was digging for information.

Salean turned to him. "We, Doctor? Do you believe you are coming with us?"

"I'm not leaving him," McCoy stated as he nodded toward Jim. "And why wouldn't I? What if he gets hurt? Do you have someone else who can fix him?"

The alien narrowed his eyes at McCoy. "I am no fool. You believe with time that you can escape with _my _James, and you are trying everything to stay with him." He was glaring at McCoy with such hatred that he thought he would catch fire. "It will not work. You cannot escape."

"If you know my plans, then why am I still alive?" he asked.

Salean's fingers danced along the table, inches from Jim, but he didn't touch the still form. "Because you are correct. I need you, which is why you are coming with us. The second that I feel you are no longer required, I will kill you. Granted, I might need you as long as my James is alive."

The way he said the name James made Leonard want to shove a scalpel into his ears.

"Can I ask you a question, Doctor?"

"I can't stop you," McCoy stated, lifting up his handcuffed hand.

"You should be careful with how you speak to me as I can slaughter you in a heartbeat," he stated as he crossed to McCoy. He put a hand on his shoulder and squeezed, causing him to yelp in pain. "Do you understand?"

"Yes, I do," he stated through his teeth. He wished that he could kill this bastard or at least punch him in the face. "What is your question?"

Salean stepped away from Bones and crossed to the door. "Do you think James would ever love or care for me?"

The question shocked Leonard, because he didn't think Salean would even care that Jim didn't want him. If he did, he wouldn't have forced himself on Jim. "Do you want my honest answer?" he asked, not sure why he just didn't lie to him. There was something in Salean's voice that struck him as odd. Did he really care?

"Yes, I do," he answered, looking back at him.

McCoy didn't answer right away, knowing his reply wouldn't be the answer that Salean liked. "He won't. When you raped him, you took something from him. You destroyed him, and there's no fixing that. I don't think he would ever love anyone again." He and Spock had a part to play in that as well, but Salean didn't need to know that.

"He belongs to me. He accepted the stone."

"He's not an object you can own." Jim didn't belong to anyone. "What does a stone have to do with this?"

"It makes him mine as he accepted it. It meant he accepted his place as my partner."

"A stone does not give ownership, you sick assfuck," McCoy cussed. He knew he should not have insulted him as he would get hit for it. "You raped him."

"I did not rape him," Salean snapped back.

"You may not consider it, but Jim does. You forced him to have sex with you," McCoy stated, wondering how batshit crazy this Dalenien could be. "He was with someone, did you know that? He was in a serious relationship. He loved him. You will never compete with that."

Salean glanced at Jim and McCoy could see the longing in his eyes. "Then I shall kill the Vulcan."

"How did you know it was a Vulcan?" Leonard asked, surprised. And did he just send this crazy son of the bitch after Spock? Wait, wasn't this a good thing? It would give Spock a chance to find them, right? Would Spock be able to take this monster? Could the Vulcan win against Salean? He wasn't sure how Vulcan strength could compete with Dalenien strength.

Salean didn't answer him and crossed to the door. "I need to ready the space craft for our leave. Please make sure James is ready for travel." He closed the door behind him without waiting for Leonard to respond.

McCoy stared at the door, knowing that he and Jim were screwed. He needed to find a way out now, or he would have to use the hypo. Glancing over Jim, he got to his feet. "Jim, JIM!" he called, tapping him on the cheek. With each tap, he hit him a little harder. "Jim, I need you to wake up. We need to get out of here."

Shaking Jim's shoulder, Bones tried everything to get Jim up, but he didn't stir. As a Doctor, he knew the likelihood of Jim waking up would be low, but he had to try. "C'mon, Buddy. We need to go. We need to go now." He took a deep breath. "JIM!" He yelled again.

*O*O*

* * *

Kirk had never been this happy in his life before and it was strange for him. It was strange that he had nothing to worry about besides the safety of his crew, and he was waiting for the other shoe to drop. His life never stayed good for long, and this time, he hoped it would. He had everything that he had ever wanted: a beautiful ship, an amazing crew, an annoying-tell-it-as-was best friend that he wouldn't trade for the world, and an overly protective- okay, wonderful- boyfriend. Yes, he was amazed that he had a boyfriend. He had no idea that the relationship would work so well or even last this long. It felt so right being with Spock, even though his overprotectiveness was very annoying at times.

Jim took a deep breath as he exited the turbo lift and stepped onto the bridge. He heard Chekov yell, "Kaptain on the bridge." It brought a smile to his face, knowing there was nowhere else that he wanted to be.

He nodded toward Chekov as he took a seat in the Captain's chair, his favorite place on the entire ship. "Any word from the outpost?" he asked, turning to Uhura. Jim tried to ignore the empty chair in front of the science station and the feeling that was growing inside of him. It felt strange that Spock wasn't there.

Uhura looked up from her station and turned to Kirk. "No, Captain."

Jim glanced around room, trying to decide what to do. He couldn't sit here and do nothing when there was a possibility that there were people hurt. "Get a search party together and tell them to meet me in transporter room."

"Sir, is that necessary?" Sulu asked as he rotated in his chair. "We don't know if anything happened yet."

After thinking for a few moments, Kirk got to his feet. "That may be true, but I do not like this silence." The _Enterprise_ had been sent to check an outpost that had gone quiet. There had been no communications from the outpost for over a month, and they had not responded to any transmissions. When the _Enterprise _first arrived, Kirk had sent out a planet wide broadcast with the plan to send a search party if no one responded. Kirk had given them six hours to respond, but two hours in, he decided he couldn't wait and had to go down now.

"Understood," Sulu stated as he rotated back.

"Should I have Spock meet you in the transporter room as well?" Uhura asked, drawing Jim's attention.

Jim knew she didn't mean anything by it, but it bothered him. He didn't need his First Officer to come with him everywhere, even if he did disliked being away from him. "Where's our First Officer now?" Jim asked, refusing to even look at the empty chair. "He's supposed to be on shift."

Chekov turned to Jim. "He's in the science labs, Sir. Something came up, vhich required his attention."

"Does it have to do with the outpost?" Jim asked, wondering why it couldn't wait until after the mission. He knew he had told the crew six hours and Spock had probably decided it would be illogical to sit there for six hours waiting for a response while he could be productive elsewhere. Still, he should be waiting with them on the bridge.

"I don't beliewe so, Kaptain," Chekov responded.

Jim nodded before taking a few steps toward Uhura. "No, Uhura. Let Mr. Spock be," he ordered. He knew full well that the Vulcan wouldn't be happy that he went down with the search team, but he was going to go down. Spock had a belief that a Captain should stay on the ship at all times, where he could be protected; however, Jim didn't believe a Captain should sit back while others put their lives on the line. If he wasn't going to risk his life, how could he ask his crew to do the same? "Sulu, you have the conn."

"Yes, Sir," Sulu stated as he stood from his chair and moved to take the Captain's chair.

"Shouldn't we alert Commander Spock?" Uhura asked. She was eyeing Jim, trying to tell him something through her eyes. "He would like to know about the change in plans." They both knew he wouldn't be happy and she wanted him to think about what he was doing, knowing it would lead to a fight.

Jim stepped toward the turbo lift and shook his head. "If Commander Spock couldn't be here, he must be working on something important, and it would best not to interrupt him." With that, Jim left the bridge and headed toward the transporter room. This was going to start an argument with Spock, and though he hated when they fought, he wouldn't back down. There would be no stopping him from beaming down to the planet. He didn't care what was safer for him. Still, he didn't like how it felt like he was lying to Spock.

He walked into the transporter room and spotted Scotty, who was sitting behind the control panel. "Are we ready to go?"

"As we will ever be," Scotty replied.

Jim nodded and stepped onto the transporter pad with five red shirts. "Everyone's ready?" he asked as he looked at each of them. They nodded to him. "Energize," Jim ordered as he turned back to Scotty.

*O*O*

He really didn't think it would turn out like this… Okay, that was a lie. Jim had a very good idea what would happen, which was why he didn't want to tell Spock. Only an idiot would think nothing would go wrong on a planet that had gone silent. However, he didn't think injuries would be any worse than they already were.

The planet was more dangerous than anyone originally suspected as most of its plant life was carnivorous. Not only did some of the plant life literally bite, they seeped out some type of acid that ate through the outpost's walls and equipment. By the time this was realized, most of the equipment had been destroyed and a few lives had been lost. Once the acid hit the skin, the affects were almost immediate as it rapidly destroyed the skin, and if the antidote was not given soon after, it would be deadly.

Jim could have dealt with that if he wasn't also being attacked by the planet's animal life. If he didn't know better, he would have thought the plant life was coordinating with the animal life to eradicate him. They would have succeeded if one of the outpost officers didn't push him out of the way, but he didn't make it unscathed. One of the creatures had managed to claw him in the chest, sending him to the ground. Unfortunately, he landed in some kind of bush. With quick thinking, Jim ripped off his shirt a second later and was able to save his most of his skin from the acid. A few drops did land on his skin, burning him. It hurt like a bitch, but Jim had played it off as he had lives to save and didn't have time to worry about himself. Once he had the officers inside the outpost, he radioed the _Enterprise_ to beam them up. He, of course, had passed out the second he arrived on the ship from the blood loss.

Right now, Jim found himself in the sick bay getting patched up by McCoy who was giving him the stink eye. "You can't be mad at me for this," Jim stated as he glanced down at his chest. He winced as McCoy cleaned his wounds. The antiseptic the doctor was using on his chest hurt worse than the plant acid.

"I know," McCoy stated as he turned away from Jim. "You were doing what you felt was right, and you were right. You did save lives today." There was no denying that Jim's impatience had saved the outpost officers, who wouldn't have lasted another four hours. "This doesn't mean I have to like it, because I don't."

Jim tried to push himself up but the pain was a little too great. Giving up, he allowed himself to fall back. "So how bad is it?" he asked as he glanced down.

McCoy turned back to him and glared. "Not too bad. I have seen worst; I have seen you worse, you Igit." He picked up one of his dermal regenerators and lowered it over Jim's chest. "Hold still," he ordered.

"I'm trying. That tickles," Jim stated.

"You're a child," McCoy commented. It didn't take long for McCoy to heal Jim's injuries. "I don't want to see you in my sickbay again," he joked as he helped Jim into a sitting position. "But I know you'll be back soon enough." He let out a chuckle.

Jim jumped to his feet and grabbed the black shirt from the end of the bed. "So how pissed is Spock?" he asked, scanning the room.

McCoy let out a loud snigger. "Let's say I'm glad that I'm not dating him."

"So he's pissed," Jim muttered. He knew this was coming, but wasn't ready for it. Ever since they started dating, he hated whenever Spock was mad at him.

"Yes, he's waiting out there for you. He wanted to come in, but I kicked him out while you were out," McCoy stated as he pulled back the curtain. He nodded to Spock, who sitting in a chair near the doors of the sick bay. He was sitting with a straight back with his eyes closed, but everyone knew he was alert.

Jim shook his head and stepped to Spock, knowing he should just get this over with. McCoy didn't go too far to give Jim support if he needed it. Their fights could get out of hand sometimes. "Hey, Spock," he stated with a huge smile. Spock wouldn't be mad at him if he flashed his pretty blue eyes, right? "Doesn't that hurt your back sitting that straight?"

Spock opened his eyes and stood up slowly. "You could have been killed and you are making jests about how I sit?" he asked, annoyance clearly in his voice.

"I thought since we had this fight before, we could just skip it."

"I will keep speaking until you listen."

Jim shook his head and turned back. He glanced toward McCoy who was eyeing him from a safe distance. They both knew how he was when Spock tried to corner him. "Spock," he uttered.

"You forget how important you are to the crew," Spock stated.

It was clear that he wanted to say more but not in front of McCoy. Jim already knew what he wanted to say. He was important to _him _and Spock didn't want to lose him. "I can't. You won't let me forget." Jim sometimes had a problem of being serious during conversations.

"I thought I stated that I do not appreciate the quips." Spock did his famous Vulcan glare. "You also forget about regulations. A Captain should-"

"Enough," Jim stated, annoyed. "I saved lives. I'm not going to be sorry for that."

Spock's shoulders were tense and it was clear he was losing control of his anger. "Captain-"

"Maybe, if he got laid, he wouldn't be so stuffy," McCoy countered as he turned away to put some instruments away. An angry Vulcan wasn't good.

"Bones!" Jim yelled. "Shut it." He knew he was trying to help, but sometimes the doctor got on both their nerves. Jim took a deep breath as he knew it was the wrong thing to say to the Vulcan, and he could see something in Spock's mind snap.

"The sexual relationship between the Captain and myself is none of your concern, Doctor. Please mind your own business," Spock warned, surprising them both with his tone. He was pissed. "Very, well Captain. I will halt talking about your risky behavior, as it seems you only care about yourself." With that, Spock left the sickbay without another word.

After watching Spock leave, Jim turned to Bones. "Bones, what the hell was that?" he asked.

McCoy stared at him, shock present on his face. "Wait, you and Spock, didn't you, you know…" He drifted off as he didn't want to finish that sentence. He gestured his hands together to symbolize the act.

Bones was heading toward a subject that Jim really didn't want to talk about. "No, we haven't," Jim stated as he eyed McCoy's hands.

"Not that I really want to know, but why?" He closed his eyes as if the images in his head were causing him pain. "He seems like he wants to… I think." He shook his head. "You really can't tell with him." He shuddered. "Dammit Jim, now that image is stuck in my head."

Jim would have laughed if this was a joking matter. He might have gone too far with Spock, and it hurt that he had upset his boyfriend this badly. "I know he wants to. I'm not sure I am ready." He blew out.

McCoy narrowed his eyes. "You, the guy who had so many one-nighters, that you lost count. You, the guy who used to brag about his sexual exploits? You aren't ready?" He took a deep breath as if to think. "Are you afraid again?"

Taking a deep breath, Jim closed his eyes as he couldn't take the look in McCoy's eyes. "I have never loved the person I was having sex with before." There were ways that he could mess this up.

"You love him?" McCoy asked, shocked. "Does he know this?"

It hit him like a sack of bricks. Did he just say he loved Spock? He had never said that about any person; heck, he hadn't even come close to love before.

"You didn't even know, did you?" McCoy asked. His eyes soften a bit.

Jim left out a chuckle as McCoy was right. "I have to go." Jim bolted out of the sickbay as fast as he could. He couldn't wait as he had to tell Spock right now. It also had to be in his or Spock's quarters as those were the only places where Spock would truly be open with him.

*O*O*

He couldn't wait outside of Spock's door for a second and walked straight in without alerting Spock. He found Spock, who didn't look up, on the ground meditating. "Spock," Jim called as he stepped toward him.

"Why did you tell Doctor McCoy about our sexual relationship?" his First Officer asked. There was something in his voice that Jim didn't like. "It is none of his concern."

"I didn't."

"Then how did he know?" he asked as he opened his eyes. He turned slightly toward Jim.

"It's a common joke to tell someone that's a stick in a mud. It's just another way to tell someone they need to relax," Jim stated, trying to explain. Was Spock upset that they hadn't had sex yet? He thought his boyfriend would respect him for wanting to take it slow.

"I do not care for his jokes."

"He didn't mean anything by it." He hoped Spock didn't feel rejected.

Spock stood up slowly and turned. "Am I a joke to you, Jim?"

Jim blinked not sure how the hell they had gotten here. "No, you're not." He hated how defeated Spock sounded at that moment and wanted to change that.

"Then why do you treat me as such?" Spock asked as he crossed to Jim. He stared him down.

"I don't." That was the last thing that Jim wanted Spock to feel like.

Spock exhaled. "If you did, you would not treat me like thus. Do you know how it felt when I learned that you accompanied the search team without even informing me? I found out when I came to the bridge and saw that you were not there. You do not understand how much it affected me." There was a long pause. "The communication silence was unbearable as there was no way to confirm if you were well, and when I discovered you were hurt, I…" He didn't finish.

"Spock," Jim stated. He felt like shit.

"Then McCoy would not let me see you, and I feared the worse. I felt as I did when… I lost my mother." Spock reached out to touch Jim but he pulled back at the last second. "I understand why you risk your life, Jim, but when you do, you do not take in account my feelings." He paused. "I know you will not change your ways, but please, be careful," he begged. "I do not know what I would do if I were to lose you."

Was Spock begging? That was unexpected and it just made him feel worse. "I'm sorry. I forget sometimes. I am not used to this," Jim stated as he reached for Spock's arms. "I'm sorry."

Spock reached up to Jim's face and traced his cheek. "Jim." Jim pulled him closer and kissed him hard. He would show how much Spock meant to him. "Are you sure?" he asked as he held Jim tightly, so Jim couldn't get out of his arms.

"I love you, Spock," Jim stated after he had kissed him again. "I just never made love before and I was scared." He was feeling scared right now but was okay with it as long as it kept his relationship healthy. "I want you," he stated as dirty as he could muster. "I need you."

Spock's response was in Vulcan. Just the sound of Spock's deep voice brought heat to Jim's face. The look in Spock's eyes made him want to melt. "Taluhk nash-veh k'dular." If Jim had any idea of what he said, it wouldn't have mattered. It was still a huge turn on, though he would ask about it later. Jim didn't have time to think as Spock had him against the wall in seconds with his shirt off. He didn't even know how that had happened, but he didn't care.

*O*O*

* * *

Spock tried to keep focused on the task at hand of finding Jim, but his mind kept drifting to all of the good moments. He remembered the first time they had intercourse and it had been more than Spock could even comprehend. Jim had given himself fully to Spock, which he had never done before, and he had trusted him with his whole self. It pained the Vulcan to know that he had destroyed Jim. Even if by some remote chance Jim forgave him, they wouldn't have what they had before, and though he would not like it, Spock would accept it, if Jim was safe and protected.

Dropping to his knees, Spock felt the imprint on the ground. It was faint, signaling how much of a head start Salean had, but he did not let that phase him. He would have no problem tracking Seleen and Salean, and he hoped he wouldn't be too late. He didn't know what Salean was doing to Jim, but he knew it wasn't good. His only thought was to see to it that the Dalenien was punished for it. Though he would not mean to kill him, Spock would not know what he would do when he saw him.

It had brought out so much rage in him when he thought about Salean with Jim. Though he was partly to blame, Salean had taken his beloved from him. Jim had meant everything to him and Salean had destroyed it. Not only had he taken his life (Jim was his life), he was hurting him; he was making Jim suffer. Spock knew if he didn't save Jim, Salean would devastate Jim and leave only a shell. The Vulcan couldn't let that happen.

After following the tracks for twenty minutes, Spock arrived at a rundown building with partially collapsed walls. On the walls that were still standing, vines of different shades of green and brown covered them. The windows were shattered, making the building look abandoned, but Spock knew it wasn't. Hidden in the bushes was an old fashioned carriage, which he assumed was used to transport both Jim and McCoy to the base. Taking out his phaser, Spock slowly advanced to the door and pulled it open without trouble. Before entering, Spock glanced down at his weapon to make sure it was set to stun. Though it would be more useful in kill mode, Spock would not kill Salean with a phaser. If Salean would to die, it would be by his bare hands. He wanted to see the life drain from his face as he executed him.

Did he just make up his mind? Was he going to kill Salean for what he did to Jim?

Closing his eyes for a second, Spock exhaled as he tried to clear his mind. He couldn't be this irrational when Jim's life was on the line. Jim was _the_ most important thing at the moment and he couldn't allow his emotions to be clouded. Forcing himself forward, Spock kept his phaser up, aimed in front of him. With every step he took, Spock could tell he was accurate in his assessment. This building was not abandoned. It had appeared that only the outside of the building was falling apart, as the interior appeared to be well kept up.

After a few minutes of quietly moving through a hallway, Spock found himself in a large room, and he wasn't the only one in the room. There on the other side sat a sleeping brute, who looked too large for the chair that he was sitting in. His face and hands were disfigured with many scars, and his skin was blemished with different shades of blue and purple. His wardrobe, if they could be called that, was ripped and torn and looked like they were seconds away from falling off. For a moment, Spock thought about this alien and what he could possibly get from kidnapping his Captain. He did not look Dalenien, as his skin was not ghostly white. What was his motive in helping the Daleniens? How much currency did he think he would get from kidnapping his _T'hy'la_?

Spock kept his phaser trained on the alien, as he played with the idea of switching it to kill. This beast, as he could only be a beast, had taken something very precious from him and had given him to Salean, who could be doing horrible things to him. The Vulcan's blood was boiling just thinking of it, and it had been that thought, which made his decision against switching it to kill. Only one beast deserved that and that was Salean.

Seeing the alien twitch, Spock fired not giving him a chance to wake up. Though Spock knew he could probably outsmart the thug in a fight, he did not have the time to waste. He needed to find Jim. He eyed a Dalenien before he crossed the room to the door next to the unconscious man, but it was blocked. There stood Seleen, who was glaring at him, and Spock finally understood what Jim meant when he said 'if looks could kill'. "Where is Kirk?" he demanded.

Seleen's starch white hand was wrapped around a tube like weapon. "How did you find us?"

"It does not matter how I found you, though it was not difficult. Where is Kirk?" Spock asked again. He would have his answer even if he had to force it out of Seleen. Nothing would keep him from Jim.

Seleen took a step toward him. "You speak as if he is yours. He is not. He belongs to my son." The tube weapon was at his side.

"Kirk is not an object that you can possess," Spock countered. It angered him to hear Jim referred to as an object, because Jim was no object. What made Jim special was his inability to be controlled and Spock would not allow that to be taken from his former Captain. "As you have not answered my question, where is Jim Kirk? Though I do not like to kill, I will not hesitate to slaughter you if you keep me from him." He switched the standard Starfleet phaser to kill.

This was not lost on Seleen, who only smirked. "I thought Vulcans were a peaceful race."

"You would be correct; however, we will kill if needed." Spock took another step toward him. "And I am only half Vulcan." Though he disliked admitting the truth, it was who he was, and it was one of the reasons why Jim had fallen for him. His mind drifted a bit as he thought about Jim's love and how he didn't deserve it.

"You love James."

"It is of no matter to you," Spock answered, taking yet another step. He did not understand why he could not just shoot this Dalenien. He did not need the alien, even if he could be very helpful in finding Jim.

"And James loves you."

"Kirk does not love me," Spock stated. There was no way that Jim could after what he had done.

Taking a step forward, Seleen raised his weapon. "James is in a deep coma. Salean and your human Doctor McCoy do not know if he will wake. However when he is close to consciousness, he utters your name. Neither my son nor I can deny that he calls your name, because he holds you close to his heart."

Spock did not know if Seleen was lying or not, but it did not matter what spot Spock held. He did not deserve it. He deserved nothing. "Where is Kirk?"

Seleen began to circle him. "It does not matter where he is as you will never see him again." He paused. "If I kill you, James will return my Salean's love."

The Vulcan felt himself growl. The Dalenian did not deserve Jim's love, which could transcend life itself, and he would not let him force Jim to give it. It wasn't something that could be taken. It had to be earned. "Even if you do kill me which will not be as easy as you may think, Jim will never love the beast who raped him."

"We will have to see," Seleen responded as he charged Spock.

"We will," Spock stated as he fired.

*O*O*

* * *

As he was accustomed to the fights, Jim was expecting this one. "Spock, I'm doing this," Jim stated as he was packing his bag.

"It would be unwise to go down to Dalenius alone," Spock stated as he blocked the door. "And if you keep insisting on going, I will stop you."

Jim turned and eyed Spock, wondering what was going through his Vulcan head. "I'm not going alone. Chill, Spock." Jim put on a huge smile, knowing it could melt Spock's composure. Jim had come to learn that he could get Spock to do almost anything in the privacy of his quarters just by batting his eyes. Outside of his quarters or in the presence of others, Jim couldn't get any type of emotion out of the Vulcan, unless it was annoyance. Vulcans were an extremely private race who would not get intimate in front of anyone who was not his or her bondmate. "I will have officers with me."

Spock, with his arms folded behind, took a step toward Jim. "As you do not have security officers with you, I request that I go with you."

Throwing his bag over his shoulder, Jim crossed to Spock as he kept an eye on the door. "I need you here, Spock."

"Both Officers Sulu and Scott can handle the ship, Jim," his First Officer stated as he reached his hand to _his _Jim.

There was something in Spock's voice that struck Jim as weird. "You are worried, more so than usual. Why?"

Spock pulled Kirk close, pressing his body against his. "I do not like this race."

Jim took a deep breath. "I never heard you talk like this. What's going on?" Spock, who was always quick to list his objections, had never expressed a dislike of an entire race before even meeting them. His Vulcan glanced over him before kissing him hard. "Not that I mind kissing, but what's going on?" he asked as he pulled away.

"I do not want you to leave."

"This isn't very Vulcan of you," Jim stated.

"With you, I do not care to be such." His fingers traced Jim's face.

Jim laughed, knowing what Spock meant by that, but sadly he didn't have time for that. "I like when you let go," he stated, running his hand through Spock's neat and tidy hair. He loved messing up Spock's perfect hair. "But I still have to go. They're waiting for me in the transporter room." Jim broke free of his lover's arms and side stepped him.

"I must insist that either I come with you or you stay and let the Admiral deal with this. You are not needed."

"They have requested that I personally attend," Jim stated as he headed to the door.

"Then I shall come with you," Spock replied.

Jim exhaled. He had no idea what was going on with his lover, but he didn't have time for this. "Either you tell me what this is about or I am leaving, Commander," he stated, putting on his Captain Voice.

"I am… worried."

Narrowing his eyes, Jim looked him over. "Are you feeling okay? You just confessed to an illogical emotional."

"Bond with me, Jim."

Jim's heart started to beat rapidly. "When you say bonding, do you mean the Vulcan equivalent to marriage?" Jim asked as he started to freak out. He wasn't ready for marriage just yet. That level of commitment scared the shit out of him. Human marriage was one thing. It could be broken, unlike a Vulcan bond.

"Yes, Jim."

"Are you crazy?" Jim muttered, almost regarding saying it, as he noticed the look on Spock's face.

Spock took a step toward. "I understand you are scared, but this is right. We belong together."

Exhaling slowing, Jim turned from him. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I do not understand."

Jim closed his eyes before turning back to him. "Why are you asking me this? Why right now? Are you trying to stop me from going? If that is the case, no, I won't bond with you." His fists were balled. Though he had never thought himself as the marriage type, it pissed him off that Spock would use it to stop him. He must have known what it would do to him.

"If I was trying to stop you, why would it matter? Regardless of the reason, I want to be bonded with you."

"Really? What does it matter? Really, Spock?" If Spock couldn't see why it was an issue, there would be no point in telling him.

"Are you rejecting the idea because you are scared? Do you not want to be in an intimate relationship with me?" Spock asked. "Are you trying to find a way to terminate our relationship?"

His anger was starting to get the best of him. "After all of this time, you're still expecting me to fucking leave? I have given you everything. I have given my heart and soul to you and you have the balls to think that. Well, fuck you!" Jim stated. "You have some nerve. You're only asking me, because you want to stop me. Is this a way to control me? To make me listen to you? Because I won't!" With each passing second, Jim anger grew.

"That is not accurate."

"Whatever, Spock. I have to go." With that Jim stormed out of his quarters and did not stop no matter what he heard from Spock. If he were to stay, he would say something that he would not be able to take back.

*O*O*

Jim hadn't spoken to Spock since he had stormed out of his quarters, and he had been successful in keeping the Vulcan out of his mind for two days. However, on the third day, Jim caught sight of something that reminded him of his pointy eared lover and he couldn't keep Spock off his mind. _Damn that musical instrument!_ Though not many people knew it, Spock could play a few instruments, and Jim had spent many hours listening to him play the Vulcan lute. At times, he would watch his fingers while he performed. _DAMN IT! _He _needed_ to get him out of his mind, as he wouldn't be able to focus during the mission.

Throughout the whole dinner and conference, Jim couldn't get Spock's proposal out of his head. Did he really mean it or was it just a way to stop him from beaming down? Was it an attempt to control him? He didn't know was going through Spock's mind, but knew thinking about it wouldn't help him. Instead, he tried his best to pay attention to the issues at hand. He had important things to do and he couldn't do that with Spock on his mind.

Somehow, Jim had been able to make it through the discussion without looking like he had gotten into a fight with his boyfriend and was heartbroken about it… Was he still his boyfriend? He had no clue. Did that fight count as a breakup? Jim wasn't sure as he never really had to breakup with someone. But did he want to end his relationship with Spock? He knew that answer in a heartbeat. No, he didn't, no matter how pissed off Spock made him. He loved that stupid Vulcan, more than anything else in the world, and yes, that scared the shit out of him.

Arriving at the room that he would be staying in while on Dalenius, Jim took a deep breath as he peeled off his command gold shirt. He took the communicator out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment before deciding he would call the _Enterprise. _He needed to talk to Spock and get the whole thing straightened out, because if he didn't, there might not be any relationship to fix. Just as he flipped it open, there was a knock on his door. Jim wondered for a second if he could pretend that he didn't hear it, but it was just too loud. There would be no way that he could.

Flipping the communicator close, Jim headed to the door. As he put on a smile, he opened the door, expecting either the Admiral or Ambassador, being the only people who would have reason to knock on his door. To his surprise, it was a Dalenien. "Oh, hi," Jim answered coming face to face with Salean. Jim barely remembered his name, having only talked to him once a few hours ago. He did know that Salean was Seleen's son, and Seleen was a very important councilmember. Trying not to be rude, Jim smiled and asked, "How can I help you, Councilmember Salean?" He hoped he was saying his name correctly.

"I wish to speak to you. May I enter?" Salean asked.

Jim eyed Salean, knowing something was up, but ignored his instincts. He didn't want to talk to him, having other more important people to speak to. He wanted to say that they could talk later, but he couldn't tell him no. He could not risk upsetting the council. _Damn, I wish I read that brief Uhura gave me more carefully. _"Sure come in," Jim stated, moving to the side. He eyed the large stone in Salean's hand. It had a strange colored leaf tied to it. What was the point of that?

Salean walked pass him and Jim closed the door behind him. "Thank you, James."

Jim's eyes twitched. He hated to be called James as it made him sound like a child. "So what can I help you with?" he asked as he watched Salean placed the stone on the table. He made sure the leaf was facing Jim.

Salean watched him with a creepy smile. "Do you like the stone? It is my gift to you."

*O*O*

* * *

The hypo in McCoy's hand was uncapped and was inches from Jim's neck. McCoy had waited to see if someone would find them before Salean had them across the universe, as it would be less likely that they would be found after that, and there were be fewer times McCoy would be able to use it. He would not allow Jim to suffer anymore. However, as they got closer and closer to the time that they were scheduled to leave, McCoy's hope was dying. He thought Spock would have found them by now, but he wasn't sure anymore.

McCoy closed his eyes and took a deep breath, as he couldn't believe he was about to do this. Was he really going to kill his best friend? Could he kill his best friend? No, he didn't-wouldn't let Jim suffer, but he didn't know if he had it in him to kill him. How could he ever kill him? This man had saved him after his divorce from his evil ex-wife, and though Jim had made his life a living hell, he had given him something that no one else could. Jim, who knew all of his secrets, didn't leave him or judge him… That thought made him feel like a bigger asshole for turning on Jim. How could he even do that in the first place?

Shaking his head, McCoy opened his eyes and glared at the hypo. He had to do it, and he had to do it now, because there was no telling when Salean would be back. "Jim, I guess I should say my good byes, right?" He asked. He could feel the tears start to form in his eyes. "I already said I'm sorry, but I'm going to say it again. I'm fucking sorry, Jim. Though I know it won't help, if I could take it back, I would. I would give my right arm to take it back."

He eyed Jim's face, trying to take in his sleeping face one more time before he was gone. Jim's face was still a multicolored mess, though McCoy had wiped off most of the blood. Knowing Jim, he would have given it his all in that fight against that brute. Jim, who would not have gone down easy, would have fought like hell. "Though there is no chance that I could fix us, I wish I had a chance. I would do anything." He took a deep breath. He would do anything to win Jim's friendship back, and if Jim told him to fuck off, he would after he had made sure Jim was okay. He wouldn't leave Jim if he wasn't. "Jim." He knew why he was rambling because he was trying to put it off. "I think it is time….I don't want it to be time." The tears flowed down his face.

Blowing out, McCoy brought the hypo to Jim's neck. "I will miss you, Buddy," he stated. "You-" The door flew open, startling McCoy. In shock and surprise, he dropped the hypo before he was able to inject Jim. "Fuck," he muttered as he couldn't spot the hypo on the darkened ground.

"Time to leave," Salean stated.

"What?" McCoy stated as he tried to feel for the hypo with his foot.

"It is time to leave," Salean stated as he picked up McCoy's medical bag. He set it on the end of the table that Jim was on. "Is he able to travel?"

"Of course not!" McCoy snapped, trying to take a step toward Salean. He wasn't able to move more than a foot, but unfortunately, he was able to move enough to kick the hypo away. He was lucky that Salean didn't notice it fly across the floor. "He's not stable enough to travel."

Salean looked at McCoy before scrutinizing Jim. "We do not have a choice."

"You are-" A loud sound rocketed throughout the base and McCoy instantly knew what had made that sound… a phaser. God, he hoped Spock found them, but would he be in time? What if it wasn't Spock who fired? What if he was fired upon and what if he was dead? Salean's roar had brought him back to reality.

"We do not have time for you to think, Doctor," he snapped. "Let's go." He gave a table a hard push.

McCoy had the urge to stand his ground and not move in the hopes of giving Spock more time, but he knew that wouldn't do anything. Salean would simply force him to move and he couldn't fight back. There was no doubt that Salean would kill him if McCoy didn't comply, and Leonard would not leave his best friend. "Okay," he stated, trying to see if he could locate the hypo.

"You are behavior is improving, Doctor. I am pleased."

If he wanted to get hit, he would have laughed. He was behaving so Jim wouldn't suffer alone. "For Jim, I will do anything," he replied as putting his hand on the table.

"Good, let's get going. Our craft is through those doors," he stated as he pointed to the doors opposite from the door that the Salean had entered through. "We do not have much time."

"What about your father, Seleen?" McCoy asked, trying to give their savior more time.

Salean looked down. "We are leaving without him. He will reunite with us later." He looked up again and pushed the table ahead.

* * *

I hoped this chapter. Let me know by reviews!

So I have an question, what are your thoughts about me going into detail about Jim's rape? As you know, Jim is going through his memories as he is in a coma. The last memory I showed you was Salean giving him a stone. I am going to show bits of that horrible night, but I wonder how detailed I should go with that one memory. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable by going too detailed. Please let me know what you think.

Until next time. :)


	19. Living Nightmare

Yea, yea, I know it been a while... I have no idea why this took me song. It took me over a month to write this chapter.

Hola! My beta just got back to me! SO here is the updated vision.

Anyhow, save copyright rules apply. I do not own Star Trek.

* * *

Chapter 19:

Living Nightmare

* * *

He had felt anger before, but never anything like this. Not even his mother's death brought out this much anger in him, and he didn't want to admit it scared him. It scared him that he had this much hatred for another life form. A Vulcan, no matter full or half, should not be feeling this level of hatred. They should not desire another life form to suffer a slow painful death. But then again, a Vulcan, full or half, should not fall in love and one should especially not fall in love with a human. However, Spock had never been very good at being Vulcan, no matter how hard he tried. He was always too emotional for those around him, who took great pains to make him show it.

Growing up never being taught how to deal with these feelings, he didn't know how to react to them, so he tried his best to hide them instead of embracing them for the treasure that they were. In an effort to be like any other Vulcan, he locked his feelings away and threw himself into the pursuit of knowledge, but no matter what he did, it wasn't enough. He was too human for his father and too Vulcan for his mother. After years of torment he came to the conclusion that he no longer stay on Vulcan.

Going to his Mother's home planet did not aid him. It was far different than what he had been expecting. He had expected to be overloaded by their discernible, rowdy, untamed emotions, but never thought that he would be considered as such an oddity on Earth, where the Federation and Starfleet were headquartered. In large cities, he could not walk down a street without crossing paths with another species, which looked less humanoid than he did, yet, he was the _outsider_. He was the stranger everyone stared at. He was the one that they called the emotionless robot. It took everything he had to ignore them.

He realized that he did not really fit in anywhere, and it was that thought that weighed heavily on him, at times nearly overpowering him. As he could not change who he was, he acted like emotions did not exist and tried to demonstrate to everyone that he did not need their approval or understanding. He tried to distance himself and show that he was not like them. He tried to show them that he was intelligent and worth something, but at the same time, he wanted to be the emotional robot that they thought him to be.

Spock went through the Academy that way, and for a while, it worked. Everyone marveled at his intelligence and offered praises to him that he told himself he did not need. No one made any attempts to befriend him, which was what he wanted as he could not risk being compromised. It worked for a while, but when his path crossed with Christopher Pike, his plan started to unwind.

The then-Captain Pike would not let him, always checking on him, making sure he was alright, and refused to take no as an answer. In the end instead of fighting him, he allowed him a small window, which Pike used on a regular basis. It was an annoyance, but also a comfort as he knew Pike saw him as more than just a Vulcan. This was why he wanted to serve under Captain Pike. His friendship had opened him up to the idea of something else.

Even with Captain Pike on his side, the half Vulcan was still known as the cold heartless robot on campus that scared cadets and even a few professors. It didn't bother him that people thought of him as scary and heartless, and he considered that a compliment. He saw no point in friendships. He told himself that he did not need love or affection, which he saw quite often on campus. Not only was it highly inappropriate, it was also highly illogical. He did not understand the point of being emotionally compromised by someone. What was the point in showing one's feelings in public? Shouldn't those intimate moments only be shared by the couple? He did not understand the point in displaying those moments with others. Love was a weakness that he would not allow himself to have.

However, then-Cadet Uhura did not like that idea and did everything she could to get him to notice her. Though it had taken her awhile, she had won him over and they began a relationship. She flowed well with him with her bright mind and clever thinking. Though she was not a Vulcan, Uhura was proper and well-spoken just like any Vulcan. For a while, he thought that she was the one he was meant to be with, but he soon realized something was missing. Even though the relationship did not last, he still held her close to his heart as a friend. She had shown him something that he did not think was possible and he was forever grateful to her, because she made it possible for him to love. She had taught him that it was okay to feel his emotions, not fear them. It made it possible for him to open up to Jim.

Unlike Uhura, who impressed Spock from the beginning, from the second he had seen Jim, the man angered and frustrated him (though he would not admit that aloud). Jim had no concern for rules and took great pleasure in breaking them. There was no logic or reason to Jim, who refused to listen to anything and seemed to like testing his restraint. He pushed his buttons at every turn. It took everything he had not to lose his composure when dealing with Jim. It was worse when Jim became the Captain, and there were times that Spock had thought of transferring to another ship. Admiral Pike denied all of his requests, insisting that he stay a little longer. Despite his misgivings, he stayed.

As he got to know Jim, he had learned that there was something more to the rule-breaking Kirk. There was heart, courage, and an overwhelming loyalty in Jim that no one could attest, and those were the traits that he admired. He also had this innocence about him that drew Spock to him, as he had a way to look through one's appearance and see his or her soul. He had the power to look pass grievances and forgive those who would not. Those were the reasons why Spock had stayed, and those were the reasons why he had found himself spending more and more time with Jim. Though it annoyed Uhura that he was spending less time with her, he found that he did not care, as he learned that he would rather be with the frustrating Jim than the relaxing Uhura. It was that reason why he broke up with Uhura.

At first, he had no interest of being in a romantic relationship with Jim as their friendship was rewarding enough for him, but yet as the months went by, Spock found himself wanting something more. It scared him to think that he wanted to be the only one with Jim, the only one Jim turned to. As much as he wanted it, he didn't know what he would do if Jim didn't want a relationship. After getting over his own fears, he courted Jim, and though he had nearly lost hope towards the end, Jim had agreed. At that moment, Spock was filled with a feeling of happiness that he had never felt before.

During their time together, he had come to learn real love, and though Jim had the power to drive anyone insane, there was nowhere else he would rather be. With Jim, he had total acceptance and unconditional love, which was a feeling that Spock could not even begin to describe.

His heart constricted when he thought about how it all came to an end, and he had no one else to blame but himself… Wait, that wasn't completely true. He had Salean and Seleen to blame for taking Jim away from him. They were the reason why he had lost everything after they had destroyed Jim. They had taken away Jim's innocence and turned him against the world, which was unforgivable in Spock's eyes.

Somehow, Spock had managed to overtake Seleen in the fight and had the Dalenien pinned to the ground. Spock looked into his eyes, trying to find any kind of remorse, but found none. All he saw was violence and hatred from Seleen, who didn't regret any of his actions. There was no doubt in Spock's mind that he would do everything again if given the chance but he wasn't going to let him. Raising his fist up to knock the Dalenien out, Spock saw his mouth move, but the sound was lost as he tuned out the world.

When a sickening smile appeared on Seleen's face, something in Spock's mind snapped. Why was this foul thing laughing? He had no right after he caused so much suffering.

With no care of restraint, Spock's fists flew, using him as a punching bag. With every hit, he thought of Jim and the hell his Captain went through and was still going through. This beast and his son had left behind a shell of a man, who had no idea of who he was anymore. Jim had lost his fight, his will, and more importantly, he had lost a sense of who he was and where he was going. He was living life with no purpose. He had lost everything he admired that made him James T. Kirk, and the Vulcan would not stand for that.

Spock couldn't get the image of how Jim looked when had last seen him out of his mind. When he had run into him at the event, he had used all of his Vulcan control not to gasp at the sight. The sparkle was gone from Jim's beautiful blue eyes. His face was pale and devoid of his usual cheerfulness while his hair was dull and limp. He looked like he had lost a lot of weight and was shrinking. It was that image that kept his fists flying even as he felt bone breaking beneath them.

When Spock pulled back his hand, it was covered in Seleen's white blood, which made him looked down at the Dalenien. He was unconscious and barely breathing, but the Vulcan couldn't find himself to care. He wanted, no needed, to make him pay, because not only had he stolen everything from Jim, he had taken something important from Spock. He had spent his whole life as an outsider, but when he allowed himself to love, he found a home in Jim, and now, that home was gone. While he knew he had to share in the blame, he didn't care. Seleen and his son were going to pay for creating the situation, for hurting Jim, and for all their hideous acts.

He raised his arm as he readied himself to strike him again. The human and Vulcan halves of him were ready to release his full rage.

*O*O*

* * *

Admiral Pike's nerves were getting the best of him. They were taking way too long to find Spock, and with each passing second, it was less likely that they would find the Vulcan in time. It should have been a comfort that a Vulcan was in the pursuit of Seleen and Salean, as Vulcans were always controlled and relaxed. They would not kill them if it was not required. At least it should have brought some comfort, but Pike held no belief that Spock was acting logically at this moment. He had doubts that Spock was acting rationally, so it was a relief when he spotted an old rundown building. "Commander Scott, is Mr. Spock in the building in front of my location?" he spoke into his communicator.

"He should be, Sir," Scott responded.

"Thank you, Mr. Scott," Pike stated as he flipped the communicator closed. He turned back to Selek and the five red shirts. "Are we ready?" he asked them.

Selek stepped forward. "It matters not if we are ready, as Jim cannot wait any longer, Admiral."

"True," Pike stated as he knew Selek was right. Though he did not know if Spock's strength could compare to the Daleniens, he knew the Vulcan would let nothing stop him from saving Jim. If he had to kill to protect Jim, that would be one thing, but if he killed for revenge, it was another, and Pike could not let that happen. Revenge killing would destroy his career and his life would be over. He knew Jim's life was on a line, which meant there wasn't any room for emotion. He just hoped that they made it in time to stop Spock from destroying his future.

Taking a deep breath, Pike and the search party worked their way through the building. Not knowing the building's stability made their progress ungodly slow. Even at their reduced pace they could hear cracking in the walls. Pike couldn't risk any of his men.

*O*O*

When they finally got through the hallway, they were shocked by the scene that awaited them. A large man was hunched over in a small chair with a burn mark across his chest from a phaser shot. For a second Admiral Pike thought he was dead, but a closer look proved his chest was moving slightly. It proved to be the least of his worries. Phaser scorch marks tarnished the walls, while blood, which he recognized as both Vulcan and Dalenien, was splattered across the room. He didn't have time to process the scene before his eyes zeroed in on Spock at the far side of the room.

He couldn't believe the sight of the Commander, who was totally disheveled. His blue formal uniform was ripped in several places and was covered in both his and Seleen's blood. There were more of the green and white liquids smeared across the skin of his face and hands. It made him almost forget that it was Spock who was the aggressor as Seleen was on the ground. Seleen, who didn't look alive, had been battered to a pulp. Blood oozed from multiple cuts and lacerations across the Dalenien's body, and the bone in his right arm had snapped and pierced through his white skin.

"Spock," he yelled as he noticed the Vulcan's hand rise. He knew what that meant. Spock was ready to kill Seleen, and if he did that, Pike would have no choice but to stop him. Seleen was the bad guy in this situation, but he was unconscious and unable to defend himself. It would be murder.

"Spock," he called again, when the Vulcan didn't acknowledge him. He had to do something, because the Vulcan wasn't listening and there would be stopping him if he didn't stop himself. "Commander Spock, put your fist down," he ordered. If they had to stop Spock by force, their chances of finding Jim would be slim.

The Vulcan didn't move.

"Spock," Pike stated again as he started to cross to him. Before he could take a second step, Selek grabbed his shoulder. "Selek," he uttered, giving a questioning look.

"It would be best if I approached him, Admiral. He is not in the right mind, and you will not be able to reason with him," Selek stated as he walked pass Pike. Selek kneeled down next to Spock, who didn't even look up. The younger Vulcan was focused on Seleen; his hand still poised to strike. The older Vulcan began to speak in their native language, "_Spock, tash-tor tu."_

The one-sided conversation went on for a few minutes as Selek tried to reach him.

Pike narrowed his eyes as Selek continued to speak to Spock in their native Vulcan. He knew it was the best way to reach the Commander, but he wished he knew what Selek was saying. It was another reminder that he needed to learn the Vulcan language.

Taking a deep breath, Spock glanced at Selek before dropping his fist. He replied back to Selek in Vulcan, and slowly began to rise but stopped when he notice Seleen twitch. His fist balled again, causing the five red shirts to ready their phasers that had been set to stun.

"Jim would not want this," Selek stated in English. He hesitated for a moment before placing his hand on Spock's shoulder.

Spock glanced at him. "_Vravshau Jim_," he stated. He gazed hard at the older Vulcan. He stared at his eyes for a few seconds before he spoke. "We do not have time to waste, Admiral," he stated as he turned back to Pike.

Pike stared at both of them in amazement. "Correct, Commander," he responded. It was then that he noticed something on Spock's shirt. In the location of where a human heart would be, it appeared that Spock had been shot and the wound was still bleeding. "Spock, are you okay?"

"The wound is not major. My heart is not in the same location as the human heart," he replied, trying to convince the Admiral that he was not seriously injured. Blood was dripping down his left side. "We do not have-" Spock didn't finish his sentence as Seleen flinched.

Pike eyed Seleen before he turned to the red shirts. He pointed to two of them before issuing an order. "You two keep an eye on him. If he moves, stun him. Don't kill him." He paused. "Unless he gives you reason to."

"Yes, sir," they responded.

Pike nodded before he crossed to Spock, whose state was still worrying him. Though Spock was down playing his wounds and speaking calmly, there was no doubt in Pike's mind that he was close to his breaking point. Seleen had been beaten to within an inch of his life and if they had been a second later, he would have been dead. His eyes moved to Selek, who kept his eyes on the younger Vulcan. It was clear that he too wasn't sure of Spock's state of mind.

*O*O*

* * *

There were so many things running through Spock's mind as they made their way through the building. The thing that startled him the most was fact that he did not feel guilty for nearly killing Seleen. He felt nothing but joy when he was about to end the Dalenien's life. The piece of filth did not deserve anything else but death, and he would have killed him if not for Selek, who had reminded him of Jim. Despite everything he had done, Jim would not have wanted him to destroy his life. In his heart he felt as though he had already done that when he threw Jim away like trash. Shaking his head, he tried to ignore those thoughts.

"We will locate Jim," Selek stated in a whisper only Spock could hear.

Spock glanced at him, unable to respond as Jim had already lost, and in fact, he had lost as well. He had lost a part of himself when he threw Jim aside. In one single act he had betrayed every promise that he had made to Jim. How could have he done that?

It wasn't long before they came across another room, which contained the alien doctor's body. The body was broken in several places, bones where popping out of his light greenish-blue skin, which was losing its shine. "How long do you think he's been dead?" Pike asked as he kneeled down next to him. His once slimy skin was almost completely dry.

Selek studied the corpse. "A few hours I estimate." He paused as he glanced around the room. "He seems to be a doctor," he stated as he pointed toward the medical instruments a few feet from them. "He must have angered Salean to the point that he killed him."

"Why do you say that?" one of the red shirts nervously asked. No one could blame him for being scared.

Pike glanced at the empty hypos that littered the ground. Though he was not a doctor, he knew what a few of those hypos were for, and each one of them could be deadly to a human.

"He was strangled, and I assume it was why they brought in Dr. McCoy," Selek answered.

"Then we need to hurry." Pike stated, "I doubt even McCoy could save Jim if this doctor gave him any of these hypos." He reached down and handed one of the hypos to Selek, whose eyes widened.

"I am surprised that Salean did not hire a better doctor, one who is knowledgeable in human anatomy," Selek stated, as he turned to Spock. "This doctor should have known better than to give a human any one of these hypos."

He did not like the way Selek was eyeing him. He was not a Vulcan child, who hadn't learned to control his emotions. He had almost killed the Dalenien because he wanted to, not because he lost control. He wanted revenge and was perfectly capable of stopping himself.

"If I was a doctor, I wouldn't want to get involved with a kidnapping of a Starfleet Officer," Pike stated as he stepped to the door. "He must've been the only doctor that Salean could find."

Selek nodded. "It must-"

"If McCoy was kidnapped for the sole reason of providing medical amenities to Jim, then we do not have time to talk," Spock interrupted. If Pike and Selek were correct, they had to find Jim, and they had to find him now.

*O*O*

They came across another room, and this one stole the breath from Spock, who was not expecting the blood. Unlike the rest of the blood in the building, this blood was crimson red, which meant it was undoubtedly human. Though he didn't know how, he was positive it was Jim's blood. This had to be the reason why they had taken McCoy, and why Seleen was fighting so hard to keep him away.

In addition to the blood, the room was riddled with empty hypos and antique needles, which he had read about in ancient medical books. In the corner of the room, chains with blood stained shackles hung from the ceiling, while a metal tub that was filled with dirty water sat a few feet down from them. There was a table in the middle of the room with scraps of black fabric on it. Next to the table was an empty chair, which had been knocked over. The entire room gave off the feeling of a torture chamber.

Spock knelt down next to a puddle of blood and dipped his finger into it. From the consistency, he could tell the liquid was drying, which meant it had to be at least a few hours old. He was terrified they might be too late. "We must hurry. If this is Jim's blood, he has to be seriously injured," Spock stated. He could not take his eyes off the crimson liquid. It was a sickening reminder that he had failed Jim, his everything.

"It could be McCoy's," Pike stated as he was kneeling a few feet away.

"What would make you think that?" Selek asked as he eyed the broken hypo in Pike's hand.

"I can tell from the label that this hypo belonged to McCoy," Pike stated as he stood up.

Spock eyed the hypo's label, but he was unable to read it from this distance. "Why would that hypo bring about Dr. McCoy's death?" He asked as he stood.

Pike handed Selek the hypo. "McCoy's no fool. He knew what this would do."

Selek looked down and squeezed the hypo. "It would have killed him," he answered.

Spock froze as he heard those words. "You do not believe that Dr. McCoy would kill Jim?" It did not compute with him as Dr. McCoy would never harm or purposely end Jim's life. Though he did not approve of the _Enterprise_'s CMO, he could not deny that Jim and McCoy had a special relationship. There was no way he would have ended Jim's life, even if his former friend begged him.

"I do," Selek stated. "Dr. McCoy would not deny Jim this request."

The younger Vulcan tried to control the surge of anger that flew through him. Though he could not nor would never understand the pain that Jim went and was still going through, ending one's life was not the answer. "If Dr. McCoy had used the hypo on Jim, would he not be dead?" he asked. "Salean would not have let him live if he had done that, and he would have not taken the two bodies with him."

Both Pike and Selek were looking at him, trying to read him. Although he would not admit it, it unnerved him the way they were looking at him. He glanced at the two of the three red shirts, who held their phaser rifles, ready to shoot.

"You may be correct, Spock," Pike admitted as he walked past them toward the door on the other side of the room.

Spock followed closely behind the Admiral, ignoring the pain in his right shoulder. The wound was affecting him, but would not allow it to stop him. He had to find Jim, and needed to get out of the room, which felt like death. "We should cease this conversion and search for Jim." He did not understand why they were speaking when Jim was in danger.

Pike took a deep breath as he stared at Spock. "I know," he stated as he placed his hand the door.

Just as he was about to open the door, he was stopped by one of the remaining security officers, a medium sized man with very short hair. "Don't move, Admiral," he stated as he crossed to door. He knelt down next to Pike and pulled out a small tube of a very light spray, which he used to reveal a thin black wire running a few inches above the ground across the door. "If you were to trip this wire, half of this wall as well as yourself, Sir, would have been blown to pieces."

"Good eye, Lieutenant Smith," Pike stated as he took a step back. "Is there anything else we should be worried about?"

Spock watched as Lt. Smith ran a scanner over the door. It annoyed him that it was taking this long to go through the door, but he could not refute that it was logical for Smith to be careful. There was no doubt that Salean had planted traps all over the building.

Smith safely cut the wire, but he did not move away. He ran the scanner over the door, looking for another trap. The scanner chirped when he got to the middle of the door. "Another one," he stated as he clicked on the thermo scanner. "There's a heat signature on the other side of the door. Though I can't be sure, I'm willing to bet it's a bomb, Admiral," he stated as he glanced back to Pike.

"Disarm it," Pike ordered. He glanced toward Spock.

Smith followed Pike's eyes to Spock before returning back to the scanner. With a deep breath, he spoke, "I need everyone to step back. There can only be one man down field at a time." Selek, Spock, and Pike stepped back to the other two red shirts, who automatically stepped in front of them. Smith checked to make sure that they were back far enough before he started.

*O*O*

* * *

Salean was not gentle when he slammed McCoy into a hard metal seat and strapped him in. McCoy thought Salean was going to break his wrist when he handcuffed him to a steel bar. While wincing in pain, he watched as Salean kicked up a few seats to push the scratcher against the wall across from him. After securing the scratcher to the wall, he fastened Jim tightly to it, and before turning away to the cockpit, he kissed Jim hard on the forehead, which made McCoy puke a little. It was sickening to him that Salean could do this. How could he think he could just take Jim and do with him what he wanted?

McCoy took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself, because he needed to come up with a plan. If they were taken from this damn planet, both he and Jim were screwed. There were too many places Salean could hide them. He still hoped that Spock would save them, but he couldn't rely on that. He never wanted to be the 'damsel in distress', needing to be saved.

Trying to formulate a plan, Leonard took a long look around the craft. It was a small ship which could only carry eight people plus the pilot and copilot at the max. What struck him as odd was how bare-boned it was in supplies. There was no way they could travel the entire way to Salean's planet. It was just a shell that contained very little medical equipment and provisions that wouldn't last more than a few days. It had no weapons, which would make it easier to sneak pass space checks. It was then that McCoy realized that there must be another ship waiting for them.

McCoy leaned forward as much as he could and stared in the cockpit. Salean was sitting in of the pilot's chair, flipping switches on and checking on the status of engines, which seemed to be taking some time to become completely operational. "Are you able to fly this thing alone?" he asked.

Salean reached up and flipped a switch above his head. "This ship can be piloted by one person."

"It's sure taking you awhile to power this thing up," he stated.

"It will be powered up soon enough."

"How soon is soon?" McCoy asked, knowing he was being very annoying.

Salean stood from his seat and closed back to Jim as if to check on him. "Soon, Doctor. It takes a while to get the engines running." He reached for McCoy's medical bag and searched through it.

"What are you doing?" McCoy asked, trying to keep down his anger. Besides the fact that he hated when anyone messed with his medical supplies, he did not want Salean anywhere near Jim with hypos. If he were to grab the wrong one, he could kill Jim, though he wondered if that would be a bad thing.

"I do not want James waking up before we get to the _Salasi,_" he stated as he pulled out a hypo.

McCoy tried to move closer, but the restraints were tight. "Put that hypo down! You'll kill him with that!" he shouted. From where he sat it was difficult to read the label, but he knew that there were many hypos in his bag that could kill Jim, who seemed to be allergic to everything.

Salean glanced down at hypo. "I have you here." He took a deep breath as McCoy glared at him. "I will take your concerns under consideration," he stated as he pocketed it.

It wasn't what McCoy wanted to hear, but he would take it. "And is _Salasi,_" he repeated slowly, "the name of the ship that you plan to meet up with?"

"You will mind your business, Doctor."

"This is my business. You're kidnapping us."

Salean stepped to the back of the craft and glanced out. "Interesting," he stated as his eyes swiped their surroundings looking for any kind of movement. After a few seconds, he closed the hatch.

"What's interesting?" McCoy asked as he tried to wiggle out of the handcuffs.

The psychopath turned to McCoy. "The explosives that I set have not gone off."

His eyes widened at Salean's words and tried to jump out of his seat. The restraints held him down, cutting into his skin. "You asshat," he yelled.

"Asshat, Doctor?" Salean asked as he raised his transparent eyebrow. "I would have thought you were capable of better insults." He stepped to McCoy. "However, I will not stand for any kind of insult from a pet."

_A pet?_ No one called him a fucking pet, and he refused to stand for that. He then realized something in his anger. "Spock must have found your traps, which means your father must have failed," he stated, letting out a small chuckle. "You aren't getting off this planet."

In an instant, Salean had him by his neck and slammed his head against the hull. "Your Vulcan friend will not last against my father, and we will get off this planet."

He smiled internally, as he was getting to this beast. "First, that Vulcan is not my friend, and second, it appears he already did. Maybe, you should have set better traps." It was getting harder to breathe as Salean's hand tightened around his neck.

"That Vulcan is lucky. I only had time to set up a few traps. If you hadn't slowed me down he would be dead." His tone was deadly, but it did scare McCoy.

"Like that would have helped," McCoy coughed out.

Salean stared at him before dropping his arms. "You only attempt to anger me."

"It was more than an attempt."

Salean growled, which startled Leonard, and stepped away. "You will learn your place soon enough," he stated as he crossed to the cockpit. He took a seat and started to type away at the computer.

McCoy started at Jim and his heart jumped as Jim's hand twitched. _You start to wake up now, you idiot?_ Jim had always had the worse timing. "Jim," he whispered as he eyed Salean's back. Salean couldn't find out that Jim was close to waking, because he would be hypoed again. There were already enough drugs in his system and didn't need anything else in his bloodstream. "Jim, don't move. Just stay still."

"B-Bones," Jim moaned loudly.

"Fuck," McCoy swore as he saw Salean turn. The Dalenien stood and reached into his pocket for hypo. "Please, don't use that, Salean. Please, don't. I can keep him calm," McCoy begged. He couldn't watch his best friend die, even if he had planned to do it. This time was different. The hypo that he had planned to use would have been a quick death, while this one would make him suffer.

Salean stepped to Jim and grabbed his hand. "What is this bones?" he asked as he ran his fingers up Jim's arm.

"It's his nickname for me," McCoy answered as he eyed Jim's face.

"He cherishes you," Salean stated, sounding jealous.

McCoy wasn't sure if that fact was still true, but Salean did not need to know that. "Just don't use that." He nodded his head toward the hypo.

"Do you think he would give me a nickname?" He eyed Jim.

"Just because he gives you a nickname doesn't mean he cherishes you. He's given people he hated nicknames as well," he revealed. He was still hopelessly struggling with his restraints.

Salean stared at McCoy before uncapping the hypo. "We will see," he stated as he stabbed Jim in the neck.

Though he knew Jim was overdramatic at time, he was deeply worried when Jim moaned at the impact. "Untie me! Or at least move me next to him!"

"I am not foolish," he answered. "If I allow that, you might kill him yourself."

McCoy eyed the empty hypo feeling like the world just ended. It wasn't because Salean knew his plan; it was because there was nothing he could do for Jim. "What if you just killed him?" he asked, shaking.

"We will-" Just as he started to speak a huge explosion rocked the building and ground, shaking the craft. Salean let out a chuckle as he felt the shockwave. "One of my traps went off. That should have stopped them."

Dread filled McCoy as Salean crossed back to the cockpit. "You assfuck, you won't get away with this," McCoy yelled, not caring if he angered Salean anymore. "Starfleet will track you down and you'll be punished."

Salean didn't even glanced back at McCoy as he flipped another switch, which kicked up the engines completely. They were roaring loudly now. "Starfleet will be amazed how difficult it will be. The High Council does not support the ways of Starfleet and the selfish Federation."

"And yet your planet joined the federation?" he asked as he kept an eye on Jim. His nerves were getting the better of him. He couldn't move or do anything to help Jim.

"A choice we regret," he replied. "Enough talking, Doctor. Your voice gives me a headache."

Oh, McCoy wanted to keep talking and give that alien the biggest headache ever, but there were more important things that he had to worry about, and one of them was the man across from him.

*O*O*

* * *

Though Salean's many traps had slowed them down, they had become useful. After Smith had disabled all of them, Spock used them to blast through the remaining locked doors. He knew it would give Salean a false sense of hope. He would not be expecting them, after the last explosion took out half the building. However, they had to take it slow as the explosion made the building nearly collapse.

Just as they made it out of the building, the sounds of a craft taking off deafened them as the winds from the engines nearly knocked them down. Sarek and Spock managed to stay on their feet. Admiral Pike's weakened leg nearly gave out on him, while the security officers gripped tightly to their phaser rifles.

Spock's heart began to sink when the craft started to take off the ground, but he didn't have time to think. He needed to act fast as he knew Jim had to be on the ship. In a few minutes it would be off the planet and their chances of finding him would be slim. If Salean managed to leave the region, he would never see his Jim again.

Spock glanced towards the others, trying to see if anyone had an idea. Selek kept his eyes on the ship. He could tell he was trying to think of something and was failing. He then looked at Pike, who had turned to the security officers, and gave a hand signal.

Before Spock could react, the three red shirts fired at the engines, disabling them. After smoking for a few seconds, the engines were engulfed in flames and the craft could not remain in flight. It started to slowly descend in a matter of seconds, but when flames started to travel up the wings, the craft fell almost instantly and hit the ground hard, breaking apart on impact. The ground shook, sending dust into the air, making it difficult to see.

Spock refused to wait for it to clear. Just as he started to walk, one of the red shirts, not Smith, grabbed him and shook his head. At that moment the engines exploded, sending metal shrapnel at them. The three red shirts forced Selek, Spock, and Pike to the ground and covered them.

Spock was not worried about the metal pieces coming at them, as he was focused on Jim, who was in the broken craft in front of him. There was no doubt that the explosion would have hurt or killed Jim, and it angered him that Admiral Pike would order his security officers to fire. They could have killed Jim with the crash. Before he could question the order the answer hit him; it was their only way to stop the ship from leaving.

Just looking at that burning ship scared him. Jim could be dead and he did not know how to handle a life without Jim. He could handle not being in a relationship with Jim, knowing he was still alive. When they were together, he knew eventually he'd have to come to terms that he would outlive Jim by many decades. Maybe, with time and Selek's help, he would be able to come to terms, but he didn't want to think about that now. He just wanted his Jim alive.

"Spock," Pike called for him as Spock dashed to the hatch of the craft. "It's not safe!" Pike wiped the blood from his face as he stood.

Spock didn't look back as he picked up a long skinny metal pipe that was lying on the ground from the explosion. The smoking metal seared his hand, but he chose to ignore it just like his other wounds. Using his Vulcan control over the pain, he wasn't going to let anything stop him from saving Jim. "The flames will not stop me," he snapped as he stepped toward them.

Pike turned back to the three red shirts and nodded his head before he turned to Selek. He gave the old Vulcan a worried look. "There is no talking him out of this. If it was I, I would be doing the same," Selek answered as he watched two red shirts follow behind Spock. Lt. Smith stayed behind to look for something to help put out the fire.

*O*O*

* * *

It wasn't long after the ship left the ground that something happened. McCoy could only guess at what happened, but he knew that something had exploded, which made Salean lose control of the ship. Tremors rocketed through the ship as it spun out of control. McCoy was only able to spare a quick glance at Salean, who was struggling with to gain control of the ship, and Jim, whose only blessing was that he was fully strapped in. He wasn't being ripped around like a rag doll like McCoy.

As the craft spun for what felt like forever, McCoy was forced backward by the force, his head acting like a ping pong ball against the metal wall. He was close to losing consciousness from the blows. He felt the hull of craft start to heat up and could hear the frame start to crack. Though he was not an engineer, he knew the ship would not be able to last much longer. Heck, they would not last much longer at this rate. Untied supplies and broken metal shrapnel started to fly around the room nailing everything in its path, but that wasn't what McCoy was worried. Jim had started to twitch slightly; it wasn't anything major, but considering what Salean had done, it was a bad sign. However, there wasn't a thing that McCoy could do as the ship crashed hard into the ground. The force of the crash slammed him back, knocking him out.

*O*O*

Though he didn't know how long he had been out, he knew that he couldn't have been or more than a few seconds, because Salean was crawling out of the cockpit which was completely on fire. Salean, who looked like he just came from hell, was covered in ash and blood. His clothes were scorched and his skin was burnt all over. It looked like one of his legs had been broken in the fall, though he wasn't able to bring himself to care after everything he had done.

McCoy could tell that none of his own bones were broken. Though it was hard to feel anything with his massive headache, he could feel blood dripping down his face. If he had to guess, there was a large cut above his left eye. His lower lip was split, and his left hand, which was handcuffed, was bleeding profusely around his wrist. Even with all of the pain and blood, he was still more worried about Jim, who had a sharp metal object hanging over his head. If it were to move, it would impale him, killing him instantly. There was also the fact that Jim had started to pale again.

With the flames engulfing the hull, the temperature in the ship was rising and it was getting harder to breathe without coughing as the fires consumed the oxygen in the room. The flames in the cockpit were getting larger and were starting to cross into the hull. McCoy's only hope was that the flames would eat Salean alive as he crawled closer to Jim, who was shaking. _No, _McCoy's mind protested at that sight. How could Jim be cold when he was sweating? They were surrendered by a blaze that was threatening to overtake them.

McCoy fumbled with his restraints as he kept an eye on Jim. He had to get out of these straps, because if he was correct, Jim would go into a cardiac arrest shortly and would not survive without help. Unable to break them, he reached for a something sharp to cut the belts. There was a sharp metal piece just outside of his reach. He looked at Salean, who was getting closer to Jim. Salean had tried to stand, but his burnt legs couldn't hold his weight.

Straining with everything he had, he finally reached the sharp metal fragment. Quickly cutting the straps off, he was finally able to stand, but the handcuffs kept him in the same spot. Seeing that the steel pike that he was handcuffed to was loose, he started to pull as he tried to work it off the wall.

Even using his full weight, the bar refused to budge from the wall. He tried kicking, even ramming it with his battered body. No matter what he did, he couldn't get the bar loose from the wall. His legs felt like jello and he could feel his lungs filling with smoke. In that moment he felt like a weakling, but refused to give up. Jim was all that mattered and he had to do everything he could to save him.

It was getting harder to breathe and McCoy's vision was starting to get cloudy. If they didn't get any fresh air into their lungs, they were all going to die. No matter how much he protested it, he turned to Salean and said, "S-Salean." He was coughing, and it was bloody painful to speak or breathe. He knees had stated to ache as he knelt down front of the seat that he had preoccupied. "W-we need to g-get out of here," he coughed as he glanced at the hull's hatch.

Salean picked up his head and glanced at McCoy before turning to Jim, whose shaking had gotten worse. "I must s-save him," he stated as he pushed himself up, struggling to get to his feet.

Though it sickened him that it would be Salean who got Jim out of this burning hellhole, Jim had to be saved. Hopefully, he would run into Spock when he got outside of the craft. McCoy glanced toward Jim, but he did not hold his gaze as he heard banging at the hatch door. _Spock,_ he thought. Whoever was at the hatch had to be the one who shot them down, and when he saw them, he was going to give them hell for doing so and praise them at the same time.

A loud pop came from the direction of the cockpit drawing McCoy's attention. Though it was getting extremely cloudy and his vision was starting to blacken, he could see that Salean was on his feet. His walk to Jim looked painful.

"J-James," he stated as he reached the Captain. He had to duck down to be next to Jim as the hull hung low above him. With his super strength, he stated to rip off the restraints, but he had only ripped off a few straps as the hatch was forced open.

McCoy felt a refreshing rush of cold air hit him. The flames around them seem to jump in the fresh air. "S-Spock," he coughed as he watched the Vulcan enter the hull. Even from this distance, the doctor in him could see that Spock was seriously injured. There was a small limp in his walk. Spock only glanced at him for a second before he turned his attention to Jim. It didn't bug McCoy that Spock was focused on Jim as he would have been done the same thing, but he would rather not die like this.

With the fresh air, he could breathe again, but it also meant that the flames could as well. They were almost on them and were inching closer. He could see Spock slowly make his way towards Jim. He was unsure if he made it as he blacked out and was unable to remember anything.

*O*O*

* * *

When Spock walked into the flaming ship, the only thing he noticed was Salean next to an injured Jim. He paid no attention to the handcuffed McCoy, who was trying with all of his might to break free. He paid no attention to the flames that were eating the ship. His attention was fully on Jim and the monster, who was touching Jim without _his _permission. How dare he touch Jim? He was not his to touch, and he was definitely was not his to take. How dare he take Jim? How dare he use Jim? How dare he hurt Jim, who had been hurt enough in his life? All of these acts were unforgiveable and he would punish Salean for them.

Before he could kill the monster, he had to save Jim, who was still strapped down unable to move. Flames were inching closer to him as the beam above Jim's head started to slip. With a quick movement, Spock was next to Jim, and ignoring the pain, Spock picked Salean up and shoved him to the ground. The fire licked Salean's skin, burning him in several places. Spock only glanced at him for a split second, hearing him yell in his native language. Salean tried to stand, but his legs did not support him.

The Vulcan had to get Jim out now because his odds of living were decreasing with each passing second. "_T'hy'la_," he called to Jim, knowing that word would annoy the young Captain. Jim, who only had a slight idea of what that word meant, would not want Spock to call him that, because he believed that Spock lost that right. Spock would agree, but his feelings for Jim would never change. Even when he thought Jim had betrayed him and all the pain, he still loved Jim and still had the desire to be with him.

Not seeing any movement or response from Jim, he snapped off the remaining half-melted restraints, but before he could move him, the beam started to move. It sounded like a scream as it scrapped down the wall. As quickly and gently as possible, Spock slid Jim off the table and into his arms. Jim moaned in his arms as he held him tightly against his chest. It pained him to hear the weak moan coming out of Jim, and it installed a sense of urgency in him.

He tried to force Salean out of his mind and focus on Jim, but Salean called to him in his native language. He was trying to bait him, but Jim kept his focus. Holding Jim bridal style, he turned to Salean who was pushing himself up. There was smile on his face that Spock wanted to wipe off. He wanted to use his phaser and kill him, but that death would be too quick for him. He wanted to torture Salean as he had tortured Jim. He wanted to make him scream out in pain and watch as he bled out.

Interrupted from his thoughts by Jim shaking uncontrollably in his arms, Spock turned to the two security officers, who had followed him. One of the red shirts had freed McCoy, who was unconscious and bleeding, and was dragging him out of the burning hull. The other officer was standing a few feet from Spock, waiting for him so he could drag Salean out of the hull. The idea annoyed the Commander because Salean deserved to die. Looking back at Jim, he pushed everything else out of his mind and began to carrying out of the burning craft.

When Spock set out, he had one idea in his mind and that was to punish Salean. He had deserved nothing less than death, but could he leave him to die in the fire? Or did he want him to face his crimes and spend the rest of life in jail? "Ensign, take Captain Kirk to safety," Spock ordered as he crossed the red shirt.

"Sir, I can get Salean," he stated as he eyed Jim in Spock's arms.

Spock could sense that the Ensign was worried about leaving him alone with Salean, as he did almost kill his father. He knew that he could have landed in jail, but he could not bring himself to care. "We do not know the state of Salean and it would be wise to treat him as if he is at full strength. It would be logical for me to carry him. Will you take the Captain?"

The Ensign was worried but obeyed the order. "Yes, Sir," he stated as he went for Jim.

He fought back the desire to hold Jim tightly and never let him go as he allowed the Ensign to take him. He took control over his protectiveness as he forced himself to let go. "Now, go," he ordered through his teeth as he turned from him. It was difficult to let Jim out of his sight when he spent so much time trying to find him.

After he was sure the Ensign had left, he made his way to Salean, who was struggling to get to his feet. The flames were intense and made it hard to get to Salean without being burned. The pain in his shoulder was increasing, but he ignored it as he focused on the Dalenien, who was glaring at him.

"Where did you take James?" Salean hissed as he got to his knees. The hull around was starting to collapse, but neither one seemed to care.

"To safety," Spock responded as he got down on his knees. "I have a desire to leave you here to you die, but I will not allow myself to fall to your level," he stated as he stared at the monster, who had raped his beloved. He wanted to kill him slowly, but Jim was on his mind and knowing that he was safe, dulled that longing. "You will be arrested and put on trial for your crimes."

Salean looked at him and laughed. "Your Federation is a joke," he stated as he glared at Spock. "You believe in your fatuous, ridiculous trials, which my planet does not. It will fail and I will be free again, and James will be mine."

Spock wanted to reach out and snap his neck. How dare he threat Jim in his presence? How dare he claim Jim as his? It also angered him how he said the name James. "You believe you are untouchable?" he asked as he stared Salean down. He could not let Salean get to him. Instead of getting out of the burning craft, he was speaking with him.

"It has already been proven. Just ask James, when he faced me in trial. I was freed," Salean stated as a beam crashed behind him.

"You went to trial for the rape?" Spock asked, not knowing that Salean was arrested for Jim's rape. Why wasn't he in jail? When did he go to trial? How could he have missed that? Anger at himself started to fill him.

"It was not rape, you asinine Vulcan."

"You dare insult me?" Something inside of Spock snapped, "You are testing me."

"I wish to know why James will not love me, but he loves you."

Seleen had said that same thing to him, and again he could not answer. He could not explain to any of them why Jim loved him, as he was unsure himself. He was not worthy of Jim's love, even though he wanted to bury himself in his love and never leave. "You wish to bait me."

"I wish to kill you."

"Is that so? I wish to kill you as well but as I stated before, I am not controlled by animal urges."

Still shaking, Salean pushed himself onto his feet as Spock did the same. "No matter where you take James, I will find him and I will have him. Over and over again," he stated with a creepy look in his eyes. "He is mine. If I have to destroy you, then I shall."

At those words, Spock completely snapped and charged Salean.

*O*O*

* * *

When McCoy came too, he was staring up at Admiral Pike, who looked like an angel, a hideous angel but an angel nevertheless at the moment. "Pike," he coughed. The first thing he noticed was the heavenly temperature drop. "W-where's Jim?" he asked as he tried to push himself up. He had to figure out where Jim was and get him the _Enterprise_ as soon as possible to save him.

"Relax, McCoy," Pike stated as he tried to force him back down.

"You d-don't understand," he stated painfully.

"McCoy, you're injured. You need to keep still," Pike stated as he looked around.

Leonard pushed himself up again and tried to look at what Pike was looking at. In the distance, he noticed Selek and the two red shirts trying to put out the massive fire that had engulfed the craft. Seeing the large flames scared him as he did see Spock or Jim. Taking a deep breath, he spoke, "W-Where's Jim?"

Pike took a deep breath. "You're hurt and you're worried about Jim?"

"He's g-going to d-die if we don't get h-him to the _E-Enterprise_," he stated as he pushed himself into a sitting position.

Just as Pike opened him mouth to ask what he was talking about, Ensign Charles exited the ship with Jim in his arms. "Ensign Charles," Pike called as he got up. "How is he?" He asked as Charles laid Jim down a few feet away from McCoy, who started to crawl to Jim. His legs still felt funny. "McCoy!" Pike yelled when he noticed him.

"P-Pike," McCoy croaked, "h-he needs medical a-attention." It still hurt to speak. "L-let me help him." He could see Jim was struggling to breathe. He couldn't tell if the meds that Salean gave him were doing this or if it was the fumes and smoke he had inhaled.

Hesitating for a second, Pike nodded his head and helped McCoy to his feet. Slowly, he helped McCoy walk to Jim. "Why are you so hot headed?" he asked as he placed him next to Jim.

"Because I have to be," McCoy snapped. His throat still hurt, but it was getting easier to speak. He knew his medical bag was destroyed in the fire but couldn't fight the urge to look for it. "Do you h-have any kind of medical supplies w-with you?" McCoy asked as he stared at Jim's slow moving chest.

Pike stared at Ensign Charles, who shook his head. "Unfortunately, no."

McCoy's fingers went to Jim's neck to check his heartbeat, and he felt himself curse. Jim's heart beat was way too fast, and if they didn't get it down, he could have a heart attack, which would be Jim's horrible luck. "Can we get-" The Doctor did not get to finish his sentence as the ship behind him exploded, sending everyone off their feet.

Unsure of what had just happened, the three security officers jumped to their feet to stand between Selek (who had made his way back to them), Pike, and McCoy. "What the hell just happened?" Pike hollered as he pushed himself pass the red shirts. Because of the huge explosion, fire completely engulfed the craft making it impossible to enter or escape from it. "Have any one seen Commander Spock?" Pike yelled, looking at each of them. "Did he make it out of the ship?"

"No, Sir, the last time I saw him was on the ship," the Ensign answered. "He was going after Salean."

"Fuck," Pike cursed. He turned to the fire and tried to step closer to see if he could make out the Vulcan in the flames, but the heat alone kept him back.

Selek turned and stared at Jim as if he was the most important thing in the world. "As it does fit the situation well, I would agree. We are fucked."

McCoy could see the fear in both Selek and Pike's eyes, but he had other things on his mind. Jim was looking worse with each passing second and his heartbeat was refusing to slow down. To make matters worse, Jim's was still shaking. "Pike, we n-need to get Jim to the Medical Bay as s-soon as possible," he stated interrupting Pike.

Just as Pike opened his mouth to speak, McCoy lost Jim's pulse. Frantically, Leonard tried to find Jim's heartbeat, and when he couldn't, he rolled on top of Jim, barely putting any pressure, as he tried to locate it. When he couldn't, he started to do chest compressions as it didn't seem like he was breathing either. Pike, and even Selek, looked on in horror. McCoy was losing Jim.

"D-Don't you fucking dare, Jim," McCoy yelled as he tried to get Jim to breathe again. After a few seconds of pure panic, he was able to get his heartbeat back but it was weak, almost undetectable. Jim took a breath. McCoy thought he could stop but he found Jim's heartbeat fading again. Resuming compressions, McCoy turned to Pike and yelled, "I c-can't keep this up for long. He's fading. We n-need to get Jim to the _Enterprise._" His throat was protesting.

Pike pulled out his communicator. "Admiral Pike to _Enterprise_. I need emergency transport."

Just as the _Enterprise_ responded, Jim's heart completely stopped.

* * *

**THE END FOR NOW**

I hoped you enjoyed this chapter.

If you are wondering about the memories, you will see them next chapter. :)

Until next time!


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